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Original poster

Is this rude, would you be offended?

71 replies

Redcarparkedoutside · 27/01/2023 08:01

My friends birthday is coming up, I asked her if she has any plans, we'd usually do a spa day or afternoon tea or something.

She says she fancies a night out and sent me a link. The thing is I've pretty much stopped drinking. I'm 40s, youngish dc so we have early starts and early nights, I work, we're busy. Drinking adds absolutely nothing to my life apart from hangovers and lethargy, so I've sort of faded it out without realising.

Would it be terrible if I told her I can't really do a night out, explaining why, and offer to treat her to lunch or something instead? I'm big on making an effort for people's birthdays etc, but it'd be a late night (doesn't finish til 12), I'd have to stay at her place, we'd likely not get to bed until 2ish and it'd ruin my entire week.

Am I selfish, or is this reasonable?

OP posts:
Whatthediddlyfeck · 27/01/2023 08:03

I wouldn’t be offended, but I’d be a bit pissed off if you asked me what I wanted to do then you said you don’t want to do it. Maybe you should have asked where she wanted to go for an afternoon out, but also understandable why you didn’t if boozy nights out aren’t what you usually do together

MagpiePi · 27/01/2023 08:06

I don't think it would be unreasonable to explain why you're not keen on the idea. A late night during the week would be a big no from me!

A meal out seems like a reasonable alternative, especially if you are treating her.

Bard6817 · 27/01/2023 08:07

I’m similar - have all but given up alcohol, can’t recall when i last had a drink….

Friend is having a stag do shortly, at a racecourse - which is little more than gambling and drinking, with watching horses inbetween, all 3 of which i don’t enjoy.

I won’t go. can’t help it if they are offended.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 08:07

Can’t you have a night out and just not drink?

balloontrip · 27/01/2023 08:08

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 08:07

Can’t you have a night out and just not drink?

This. So logical.

EBearhug · 27/01/2023 08:09

I don't drink, but I still go for nights out. I don't see why not drinking need stop you. Plus you asked, and it's what she wants.

Tileuh · 27/01/2023 08:09

Just say 'Sorry, I meant something during the day, I can't do a night out at the moment.'

WerkinMum · 27/01/2023 08:10

It's not unreasonable at all just because it's someone one birthday you don't have to do what she suggests - she can have a night out with someone else surely. It's not going to be fun if you're not enjoying it.

Just say you can't manage a night out because of the kids but would she want to do lunch/ afternoon tea instead

Tileuh · 27/01/2023 08:10

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 08:07

Can’t you have a night out and just not drink?

Anyone that has ever done this would know its hell. I'm the sober one and listening to the drunk ramblings, trying to stop people falling and acting like a shephard to wobbly sheep for hours is not fun.

QueSyrahSyrah · 27/01/2023 08:10

Yes, it's an odd flex to approach a friend about what they want to do for THEIR birthday and then decline because it's not exactly what you want them to do so YABU.

Go and don't drink.
Go and leave earlier.
Don't go but also don't try and persuade her to change her plans to something more palatable to you.

quietnightmare · 27/01/2023 08:11

Tell the truth she is your friend or say you can't get childcare at the moment

ReformedWaywardTeen · 27/01/2023 08:12

I don't drink very often, I go on nights out and I just stick to soft drinks. None of my mates mind.

I think you have the wrong idea that going out equals drinking booze. No one is going to be offended if you dont.

MajorCarolDanvers · 27/01/2023 08:12

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 08:07

Can’t you have a night out and just not drink?

This

You asked her friend what SHE wants to do on her birthday

Just drink soft drinks

Lalalalalaaaa · 27/01/2023 08:15

Tileuh · 27/01/2023 08:10

Anyone that has ever done this would know its hell. I'm the sober one and listening to the drunk ramblings, trying to stop people falling and acting like a shephard to wobbly sheep for hours is not fun.

Show quote history

I've done it lots of time and no it's not hell. Depends on attitude and what your friends are like I suppose. Mine are nice drunks and just funny when they hit the 'i really love you' stage.

OP is it the late night or the not drinking? In this situation I'd say to my friend 'that's fine but as a heads up I'm not drinking at the moment. No problem if you do of course'. If it's just the two of you then she'll probably decide she prefers to do something else (but of course if you say this you have to go if she still wants to!).

sunlovingcriminal · 27/01/2023 08:15

Just be upfront with her, she's you're friend- sure she'll understand!

"Hey Xxx, sorry I'm not drinking right now, so a night out midweek, at somewhere boozy isn't going to work for me- should have said that when I offered! Sorry! but i'd really love to treat you to a meal, afternoon tea, spa afternoon? Or something else? I'd really love to spend time with you to celebrate your birthday."

I'd bite your arm off!!!

BurbageBrook · 27/01/2023 08:17

YANBU, if you don’t drink an early night out is OK but if she’s the type to want to be up past midnight dancing you won’t be able to keep your eyes open! Great response from @sunlovingcriminal go for that one!

balloontrip · 27/01/2023 08:21

YANBU, if you don’t drink an early night out is OK but if she’s the type to want to be up past midnight dancing you won’t be able to keep your eyes open!

Surely you can't be serious? Why would not drinking mean OP wouldn't be able to keep her eyes open?

isittheholidaysyet · 27/01/2023 08:26

Can’t you have a night out and just not drink?

Anyone that has ever done this would know its hell.

It's not hell. It's amusing to watch and listen to the drunk people. But you also get to enjoy a night of music and dancing. And also be out and just generally enjoy the craic and the banter.

Original poster
Redcarparkedoutside · 27/01/2023 08:27

Thanks for the replies, I didn't think to specify a day time thing as we haven't had a night out in about 10 years, so I didn't see it coming....we just always do day time stuff and I assumed she would this year.

I haven't told anyone I don't drink anymore, it wasn't a big revelation, I just stopped, so she probably doesn't even know.

I think it's a group night out she's organising, in which case it'll be much easier to decline.

I'm happy to go out for dinner with friends and not drink, it really doesn't bother me. But going to a pub which is noisy and you can't really chat, where the main intention is drinking and having a dance is just not the same, and selfishly I imagine I'll be roped in as taxi at the end of the night, so still won't get hom til about 2 and will be hanging all week.

I think I'll just offer to treat her to something else and hope she doesn't mind.

OP posts:
tigger1001 · 27/01/2023 08:30

BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2023 08:07

Can’t you have a night out and just not drink?

Yes. This.

I often am the driver so don't drink. It doesn't need to be a boozy night out.

QueSyrahSyrah · 27/01/2023 08:30

sunlovingcriminal · 27/01/2023 08:15

Just be upfront with her, she's you're friend- sure she'll understand!

"Hey Xxx, sorry I'm not drinking right now, so a night out midweek, at somewhere boozy isn't going to work for me- should have said that when I offered! Sorry! but i'd really love to treat you to a meal, afternoon tea, spa afternoon? Or something else? I'd really love to spend time with you to celebrate your birthday."

I'd bite your arm off!!!

Where are people getting the idea it's a midweek night out? I've read the OP again and I can't see it?

Iamthewombat · 27/01/2023 08:30

I think it's a group night out she's organising, in which case it'll be much easier to decline.

Nope. You’ll look like a flake. Sorry!

FrenchandSaunders · 27/01/2023 08:30

Seems odd to me that you can’t handle a rare late night out in your 40s! Why would it ruin your whole week? Just go and don’t drink.

Plantpot75 · 27/01/2023 08:32

What would you be hanging ALL week if you’re not drinking?

Deathbyfluffy · 27/01/2023 08:34

Plantpot75 · 27/01/2023 08:32

What would you be hanging ALL week if you’re not drinking?

I did wonder this too - it might mean they’re a bit tired the next morning, but all week?!

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