Is this rude, would you be offended?

[Redcarparkedoutside]

My friends birthday is coming up, I asked her if she has any plans, we'd usually do a spa day or afternoon tea or something.

She says she fancies a night out and sent me a link. The thing is I've pretty much stopped drinking. I'm 40s, youngish dc so we have early starts and early nights, I work, we're busy. Drinking adds absolutely nothing to my life apart from hangovers and lethargy, so I've sort of faded it out without realising.

Would it be terrible if I told her I can't really do a night out, explaining why, and offer to treat her to lunch or something instead? I'm big on making an effort for people's birthdays etc, but it'd be a late night (doesn't finish til 12), I'd have to stay at her place, we'd likely not get to bed until 2ish and it'd ruin my entire week.

Am I selfish, or is this reasonable?

Just go out with the group for a bit and leave when you want. I did this when I was pregnant, so did my other friends. We definitely all made the effort to go out for at least a bit for our friend’s birthday. It’s literally a couple of hours of your life to show support to your friend - it’s her birthday it shouldn’t have to be all on your terms.

I wouldn't go on a night out if it meant having to stay at a friends house - I am far too old for sleepovers!

This stood out to me as well. Sure you might be more tired the following day, but one late night shouldn't ruin an entire week, especially if there's no alcohol involved.

I dont drink, haven't for 20+ years, I wouldn't say sober nights out are hell but there's definite cut off point for me where it stops being fun. Usually around 11pm! I also think that half of a hangover us actually just tiredness.

Do what suits you, if she's got other friends to enjoy the night out with then I wouldn't worry about it.

Hanging all week from one late but very sober night?

That's a bit extreme.

I would agree to go but make it clear upfront to everyone that you’re driving and you’ll be leaving to go home at xx time.

YANBU. I think you need to say what you meant, rather than dutifully going along with this plan. One of the perks of maturer years is knowing your limits.

You can have a night out and only have non alcoholic drinks. Plenty of people do just that.

But your issue us that you dont want to go out to a pub.
Thats different.
If you say that to your friend, expect various reactions from ‘it’s just a one off’, ‘you are a bore’ and people taking some distance because they’ll feel you have much less in common with them.
And maybe that’s the issue too. Are your priorities different nowdays?

You are within your rights to say yes/no to whatever you do/don’t want to do. But to avoid evening events because you don’t drink and to be “hanging all week” after one late night is pretty dramatic.

Live how you want to live, but you are on the fast track to retirement in Dullsville by 45 with this attitude. Whatever you say to your friend try not to be too much of a killjoy.

Can’t you go and just drink mocktails or something? You don’t need to drink alcohol but can still enjoy being with your friend(s).

You can say no but honestly can you not just suck it up for 1 night for a good friend?

I understand having boundaries and not doing things you don’t want to, but it’s one night. It’s for a really good friend and she’s not asking you to do anything to compromise your morals or put you in danger, just go on a night out. Don’t drink, don’t play taxi but missing a friends birthday because you’ll be a bit tired the next day is pretty lame.

I think my judgement is off as we've all taken turns in being ill since early December, I've a child in bed with me every night as there's always one poorly, and the toddler has taken to waking at 5. The thought of getting in to bed at 2 and back up at 5 makes me want to cry. I know plenty manage well without much sleep and I envy them, but I just don't.

It'll be a shame to go to make up the numbers if I'm not really needed, but the consensus seems that I'm a miserable old cow so I'll go 😀

I would jump at the chance of a night out of my normal routine, especially if it involved staying overnight without the dc, but I can understand that it's not everyone's cup of tea. If she is a good friend she won't want to put you out too much and will be happy with a nice lunch or similar.

Are you a single parent? If not, why wouldn't your partner be the one getting up at 5am? Do they need to leave the house early?

Assumed you weren't a single parent or babysitting would have been raised as an issue.

Look if you don't think you can manage it then don't go, but if it were my good friend I'd be attending for a bit unless there was some reason I actually couldn't.

I don't really drink, another lady in my friendship group doesn't drink at all. We still go out with the others for drinks. We just stick to lemonade or mocktails. The others don't bat an eye.

If you don't want to stay out too late then just stay for a few hours and then ame an excuse to leave "I'm going to head off not because I have to be up really early due to xyz," or pretend to get a phone call saying that one of the kids has thrown up or something.

That’s crazy talk!

How is anyone going to get a legendary thread to their name if they just do the obvious, simple and sensible thing?

Ok so now this is something completely different! @Redcarparkedoutside

I completely get the ‘I can’t face coming back at 2.00am because I’m so shattered’.
I do wonder why you would have to get up at 5.00am after that. Can’t your DH get up instead?
And I’d also be wondering if you dint need a break generally with your DH taking over fir a week so you can actually sleep, rest and recover some if that energy.

There's no rule to say you have to stay until 12 OP!

If you're driving you can leave whenever you like; if a friend was out with me and said 'sorry, the little one is going to be up at 5am so I'll have to duck out by 10 at the latest' that would be completely understandable.

If they declined coming because they just don't fancy what I want to do, then I'd be a bit put out - I do plenty of things for friends that aren't my preference, somehow they never want to stay in on the couch in pyjamas.

Go, but don't stay. Don't be a 2am taxi, going out with friends will do yougood.

I wouldn't go. Take her out to lunch instead. I hope your partner is pulling their weight OP.

put your dancing shoes on @Redcarparkedoutside
no drinking required

Lots of people have nights out without drinking alcohol - me for a start!

Unless your friend is such that she cannot go out for a celebration without getting wasted and nagging her friends to do the same - if that were the case it would not be enjoyable - and she isn't much of a friend!

You are right, I'll go, enjoy everyone's company, duck out by 10.30 and be home by 11.30, that's manageable.

I do have a DH and he's grand, but the problem is me.....I wonder if I'm early peri or something. The toddler's a noisy little bugger, and once I'm awake I just can't get back to sleep. So we're downstairs watching cartoons by 5.15 then the day has begun, I'm really hoping it's just a phase as he's been poorly and can't sleep well either. It wouldn't be any better to stay at my friends, I'd be stuck at the venue til the bitter end, then on a blow up bed somewhere, I think I'd be better off going home.

How old is your youngest dc when you get your mojo back I wonder?!

Just say ‘I’ll come to the meal before hand but not really up for a night out at the moment”

I wouldn't go if I didn't want to. Apologise, suggest something else instead. Life is too short to feel knackered from a thing you didn't want to do.