Is this rude, would you be offended?

[Redcarparkedoutside]

My friends birthday is coming up, I asked her if she has any plans, we'd usually do a spa day or afternoon tea or something.

She says she fancies a night out and sent me a link. The thing is I've pretty much stopped drinking. I'm 40s, youngish dc so we have early starts and early nights, I work, we're busy. Drinking adds absolutely nothing to my life apart from hangovers and lethargy, so I've sort of faded it out without realising.

Would it be terrible if I told her I can't really do a night out, explaining why, and offer to treat her to lunch or something instead? I'm big on making an effort for people's birthdays etc, but it'd be a late night (doesn't finish til 12), I'd have to stay at her place, we'd likely not get to bed until 2ish and it'd ruin my entire week.

Am I selfish, or is this reasonable?

I've given up alcohol too. I would just message her saying that, "it probably wouldn't be fun with me, because I don't drink alcohol any more! So I would drive, not drink and leave at 10pm. How about we do something else instead?" Personally I wouldn't go, and ask to do something else instead.

I can sympathise in that I had early wakers too and I was the first in my friend group to have children so no-one really understood why I wasn't up for really late nights out for a couple of years (they soon got it when it was their turn...)
But as a one off, I would go, don't drink if you don't want to (no-one cares and lots of people don't drink these days), then leave when you feel it's time. I'm sure your friend would prefer that to you not going at all.

Also, I wouldn't want someone to come to a thing they didn't want to do to please me. I'd rather they were honest and we did something else we would both enjoy.

Eh? Like going to work, for example? Exercising? Cleaning?

Life is full of things that we don’t want to do. Sometimes you just need to get on with it, for the outcome. In this case, the outcome for the OP is making her dear friend’s birthday special. It’s one night. She’s in her forties, not her eighties! She might have a great time and be glad she went.

This reminds me of the scene in Pulling (very funny Sharon Horgan sitcom) in which it’s the main character’s hen night and several of her friends decide to go home early. The person whose occasion it is - hen night, birthday, whatever - might put a brave face on but of course they’ll be hurt that their friend, who isn’t disabled or seriously ill or whatever, can’t stay out past 10.30 pm on their birthday night out because they might be a bit tired the next day.

It'll be a shame to go to make up the numbers if I'm not really needed
Is this what you think of your mates? Christ if one of my friends thought like this I wouldn’t fucking want them there anymore tbh. You’re going to celebrate with a mate, not to make up numbers. I honestly wouldn’t bother going, you don’t sound like you’re a good friend to this woman with this kind of thinking and you’ll end up sucking the fun out of the party with your mardyness

I'd just say you'll come and plsn to leave at reasonable hour.
If it's meal then club, I'd leave after meal, if pub then 2-3 hours after it starts. No one can be offended by that.

Being a group thing makes it's tons easier to just leave when you want. No need to give tons of information in advance to either (unless things must be booked in advance) as it sounds like a downer.

It’s her birthday and you did ask what she wants to do. Go and don’t drink and have fun!

I'm going to go the other way here. I think if the two of you are used to doing daytime activities (spa, tea etc) and have done that sort of thing for years now, it's not unreasonable to expect that she would suggest something similar when you offer to treat her for her birthday. She can say she fancies doing something different (night out) but you are not obliged to go along with it. If you don't fancy it, don't go - you've got good reasons to decline and anyone who doesn't recognise the total exhaustion of dealing with poorly toddlers doesn't deserve to have an opinion on your situation. Just be honest with your friend, as you suggested in a previous response. Offer to take her out another time and leave it there. It's just a night out, it isn't that big of a deal and you need to prioritise your own sanity!

OP life is too short to give up on things like spending time with your friends every once in a while.

I think there is a risk that you will cut yourself off and then the invitations / friendships fall off or move on and when you finally get out of the young dc phase you realise that you have no friends left.

I would go and I would also arrange with my dh that he is the one up watching cartoons at 5am. If you're that tired after a night out, you will sleep.

I am in my 50's and realise that time spent with good friends is precious and so is carving out time to be a fully functioning human being - not just 'mum' or 'model employee'.

Surely a couple of early nights would sort you out anyway?

You shouldn't have to justify anything you don't want to do in your 40's. I would just say you don't fancy going out but will happily do something else

I think the op is getting a hard time here! I totally get what she means and why she doesn't want to do it.

I have a lovely group of friends but we are in different stages of our life and it can feel really awkward to keep saying no to a night out especially when there's no reason not to other than I just don't want to. Meeting for a meal and a few drinks, planned for weeks? Count me in! Tickets for a show? I'm there! coffee? Sounds great...a msg for an impromptu night out drinking? It's usually a no from me Cos it does throw my week out of whack, and usually takes away my weekend with my family, I'd prefer to be in my pjs watching family telly.

I do make the effort for a birthday night out planned in advance and I almost always enjoy it but I don't think you are rude for wanting to duck out.

OP you sound just like me. I hate nights out nowadays. If she is a good friend be honest with her.

OP sorry actually meant to reply to this last night. My youngest is three almost four and yes I can now say I'm starting to feel myself again. I actually put on high heeled boots with my jeans to go shopping yesterday. That's the sort of thing I'd have worn pre kids. My three were horrific sleepers (one has additional needs) and super early wakers and just cranky toddlers. So I totally empathise with you

Perfectly reasonable, I wouldn’t want to go either.
lunch out together is a nice idea.

I don't mind it, although I usually bail out a bit early once the slurring is really bad.

I'm 44 with a 5yr old and 9mth old......my 5yr old has a lie in until 6.30am, he's only slept through since his baby sister was born.....I rarely sleep znd now nights out I enjoy have changed but for a friends birthday I'd go.....I rarely drink as hangovers with small kids isn't fun but I'd just see how the night goes....my 2nd jobs I work during the wedding season means sometimes im not home until 2am

I wouldn’t assume the friend would be ok with that. I’d be pissed off if I thought I was going for a big night out and my friend arrived and told me she wasn’t drinking. No one wants to drink on their own.

Your friend wants a night out dancing for her birthday, just go and don’t drink.

In my friend group we put the birthday girl and her wants first, we have a non-drinker who has enjoyed bottomless brunches, a vegan who dines at Miller And Carter, someone with such social anxiety that when it’s her turn we all go to the cinema so she can comfortably sit in the dark and not feel anxious!

When it’s your birthday, you can choose the spa day or afternoon tea, thems should be the rules!

You might surprise yourself and really enjoy being out and about for one night :) it's hard to imagine when you have been in a certain routine for so long so it can feel quite daunting but you deserve to go out and have some fun. You can get dressed up and see some new places etc. Never rule yourself out of being able to do things because you don't drink or feel 'too old' etc.

I'd just say "could we do daytime? I can't do nights ATM". Don't see how it's offensive to say that.

@ClassroomRunaway I think it could be rude though since the OP has already asked her friend what she'd like to do to celebrate her birthday without specifying that she was only willing to consider a day time meet up.
The friend has now said what she'd actually like to do (which also makes me question if all the years of day time sedate meetings were all to suit the OP) & OP wants to change that to suit herself.
If I were the friend I'd probably say don't worry about it we'll do something another time & then I'd go on the night out with other friends but I wouldn't be bending myself out of shape to arrange a separate day time thing & I'd feel irrated at having been asked & my choice rejected