Is the 'perfect teen' normal or in fact really desirable?

[mids2019]

I have a relative whose daughter is around 15 and absolutely well behaved and exhibits none of the behaviour a stereotypical teen is meant to display. She is extremely courteous, well behaved, dresses in a very conservative fashion, is a little religious and hobbies include choir and swimming. There is no mention of boyfriends or any sort of rebellious behaviour such as alcohol or smoking. In fact she would be a delight to bring u p.

However is it normal for teens to rebel against their parents a little in terms growing into an adult? To what extent is a little teen rebellion expected or even healthy?

has anyone here in their opinion been non rebellious through their teens and do you think it has made any difference to your character or current state of life? Is there any regret to not being a little more rebellious?

I was that teen.

I hit 16, went to a mixed sex college and discovered boys, and well that was that!

At 18 I rebelled hard, tattoos, casual sex etc. Was still better than most my age but it still happened.

There's plenty of time yet for your teen.

DD is completely not rebellious and her behaviour in terms of going out etc has not ever concerned us, in fact I think it would be great if she let her hair down a bit more sometimes.
However, she has Anxiety and has previously self harmed so she has caused us a lot of worry from that point of view and continues to

I don't think there's any such thing as a perfect teen - just as there's no such things as a perfect adult.

How much do you actually see of this teen? My own dd would probably be described as perfect by family members as they don't see her when she's shrieking at dh and I for some perceived slight or because she wants picking up at 1am in the morning!

I know a few of these girls and had some in my class at school. Usually there was some helicopter parenting, mixed with some ridiculously high standards and even tighter boundaries at home. The most perfect ones had a late rebellion when they were finally left home!

Ds 22 was very difficult, not rebellious as such but at 15 went to parties, was anti anything that i liked etc. We had vaping and drunken nights put. ds who is 16 is not rebellious at all, polite, chats to us. Not sure why they are so different.

This is my daughter. It comes entirely from her. We would be delighted if she arranged a night out but everybody's different!

My DS 17, perfect so far. Polite and helpful (sometimes need to ask him to help) respectful and no shouting or swearing etc
He isn't interested in hanging around streets or drinking and doesn't smoke. Friends similar too
I'm not saying he will always be like that but I'll take it while it's here :-)

I was that teen!

Didn't drink until 18, never done drugs or the casual sex scene, never got tattoos (I did get my ears pierced though!), got perfect grades at GCSE, A Level, went to uni (volunteered a lot, did religious societies) got my degree and other bits, went straight into a long term relationship (now married) and worked full time from the week after i left university.

Zero rebellion later in life, very happy life and no regrets on not being rebellious at all! And despite how boring that might all sound I promise I'm great fun 😂

My younger sister was the opposite, rebelled, tattoos, smoking, drinking, dropped school, crazy hair colours and cute boys etc - she's now got her degree and works in an incredible job with her amazing partner and is equally as grown up and succeeding at life in general.

We laugh at how different we were as children but how we've both ended up happy, successful (to us!) and loving life. Zero cause from our parents sides, we were brought up practically identically but I was strict on myself and she wasn't!

The teen years are a natural time for trying stuff out, for experimenting, for developing personal style and confidence. Sometimes that involves rebellion, sometimes a bit milder.

If they don't do it in their teens, while under the watchful and hopefully caring eye of their parents, they're going to do it later, when the potential costs and disasters are much greater.

Thanks for the replies.

As I said she would seems to be a delight to bring up and to my ancient eyes she is a credit to her parents. However she is 'straight laced' if you wish to use that term and I just wonder if having your children rebel just a little may actually be healthy from a growth perspetive? I think she is the type to divorce herself from teen culture (basically she would not be watching stuff like 'Love Island'); this may not be a and thing but isn't the stereotypical teenager meant to cause their parents a t least some angst?

She might never rebel, but doing a bit later is a bit less risky. The brain isn't mature at 15, I was pretty sensible at that age and went a wild at university but I think a bit of maturity helped me to hold back a bit and avoid the worst scrapes.
My 17 year old son is gradually confessing what he was getting up into the park during lockdown aged 14, I am just glad he is alive at times!

There is a theory in gentle/respectful type circles that if you always listen to your kids and see them as people and don't just expect them to obey orders all the time (surely an extremely stereotyped vision of parenting but anyway) then they won't rebel as such when they are a teenager because they have no need to.

But also, teenagers are just people with not-quite-finished brain development, aren't they? They will be as varied in personality as anybody. There are people who are strait-laced by nature and just don't like any of that stuff. It's certainly common for teenagers to want to experiment with whether the boundaries their parents have had thus far still fit for them, but maybe if they have no desire to step outside of them in the first place then they won't magically develop that just because of teen hormones.

Maybe it's not hormones that MAKE teenagers rebellious, but they have always wanted to thwart the rules and now they have the autonomy and ability to do so?

Does relatively restrained teen years always lead to a lot hair being let down at university? Interesting thought.

I did know similar teens to her back in the day but possibly the school being private with a religious ethos may have contributed to this. There will always be 15 year olds who are regular church goers but I would think thanks be a minority in today's world?

personally I saw kids that rebel a bit (getting into pubs underage etc) do very well academically and have great lives so part of me feels you may as well enjoy life a bit when your young.

I was like that.
I was very academic always and that continued as a teenager. My interests were business, economics, logics....
I was not living in the west though so there were less social pressures - or money.
I was not religious nor socially Conservative.
Actually I could say that my interests and personality were already similar to how I've been as an adult.

@BertieBotts

Interesting reply. Could you say that schools are a part of the system that applies overly strict rules? For example by forcing kids to wear uniforms are you actually suppressing the child's ability to be seen as a person in their own right?

I get obviously there is a range of personality in society and children will all act differently but the question is it necessarily desirable for you to encourage or want the perfect teen; is that actually an indicator of 'parental success '

@Bonheurdupasse

I suppose the questions is there any regret for n it living a wilder youth? Is it easily to blind yourself to media that is basically showcasing a life teenagers can live? Was peer pressure easy to avoid if you develop an early maturity?

I think when kids are squashed into being 'perfect' then you might see a reactive rebellion when the reins are off but if she is actively choosing her hobbies and behaviours then I can't see why she would go wild later on?

My ds is like this and so was I as a teen. I think some people are just naturally like this.

I was not dissimilar to this at 15, although not religious was very quiet/innocent, I’ve never been a wild child, although did go through a bit more of a party/going out stage for about a year in my mid twenties after a big breakup. I’ve always been a bit introverted and quiet, so was never one to stick my head above the parapet and therefore, never in trouble!

My sisters I should add were far more typical teenagers, one was even kicked out of an RG uni… however both have ended up as functioning adults with good jobs

You are determined to believe that a teen who is 'perfect' is secretly defective and a disaster waiting to happen, or else, a waste of youthfulness which will be regretted later - what have you got riding on this narrative, you seem very invested in this being a bad thing 😁

My dd is 17. She has never been in the slightest bit rebellious and is an absolute delight - well behaved, courteous, thoughtful, hardworking. However, she also has a very busy social life - tons of friends, a lovely boyfriend, plenty of parties etc.

I just don't think she has ever felt the need to rebel. We are pretty reasonable in terms of what we allow her to do, and in exchange, she is pretty sensible and responsible.

I can't see her going off the rails at uni. I was similar to her as a teen (though less socially confident) and I didn't ever feel the need to rebel either.

A bit sad that you're attempting to pathologize this nice teen girl.

I didn't feel I had anything to rebel against! DDs aren't particilarly rebellious.

@FourTeaFallOut

Not that invested but just thought it interesting. I have two daughters my self so it just got me thinking about how they will grow up as well as reflecting on my own teen years. I think it's an open question whether it's bad thing (superficially not I guess)?