Is the 'perfect teen' normal or in fact really desirable?

[mids2019]

I have a relative whose daughter is around 15 and absolutely well behaved and exhibits none of the behaviour a stereotypical teen is meant to display. She is extremely courteous, well behaved, dresses in a very conservative fashion, is a little religious and hobbies include choir and swimming. There is no mention of boyfriends or any sort of rebellious behaviour such as alcohol or smoking. In fact she would be a delight to bring u p.

However is it normal for teens to rebel against their parents a little in terms growing into an adult? To what extent is a little teen rebellion expected or even healthy?

has anyone here in their opinion been non rebellious through their teens and do you think it has made any difference to your character or current state of life? Is there any regret to not being a little more rebellious?

I was like that. Not religious, but studied hard, didn’t want to go out and drink or smoke, small group of good friends who were similar. Didn’t rebel at any stage, unless you count getting quietly pissed with friends quite a lot at university.

I had a liberal school (no uniform or other petty rules) and rules at home were negotiated and (I felt) reasonable. Plus I’m an introvert and parties aren’t my thing.

I married my first boyfriend and we’ve been happily together for over 20 years. I don’t feel I’ve missed out.

@winterpastasalad

I hope it didn't come across like that as that want the intention at all. It absolutely may be the case that teen years should be spent like this and as I said her relatives are rightly impressed with her general behaviour and demeanour. I suppose the question is whether there is a 'perfect' way for a teen to behave.

An interesting question! Is there a 'right' way?

I was that teen. Wanted straight A grades, got them, no interest in going out etc. I fancied boys but no interest in having a boyfriend....slightly religious, bookworm....

University was my turning point, not as reins were off, just feeling ready to live a little.

My dd is now 15, she's well behaved, courteous, studious...but has a lively social life and (yikes) now her first boyfriend.

I don't think there's a right or wrong. Part of me though is glad she's a little more easy going/mainstream and less introvert than I was, surely there's something for moderation on all things...? Rather than ignoring your degree studies (me!) as you've discovered boys. That was a bad plan...

Your daughter sounds just fine.

Same as ds2 (now 19)

vey similar to ds1 (though he did have the odd drink at 16/17)

and even dd didnt swear or drink…bit of shouting there….not gonna lie 😀

A little religious wouldn't be a delight to bring up for us.

Some whom are so perfect can be very judgemental.

The world is a fun, hard, messy place. There is room for all types.

@gerbo

Sorry it was a relative but thanks for the post. I don't think there is anything wrong personally with her nature at all I was just wondering if teen misadventures were part of an average human experience.

Glad your daughter is doing well!

I was a similar teen and have lived that way my entire life. I’m far from a perfect individual, but I’ve never felt the need to indulge in any serious partying. We still did things that were technically against the rules, even as teens, but they were the sort of hijinks that could have been highlighted on a Disney show, not anything really serious.

My own dd seems to be in a similar group. They are a bit awkward, good at school, polite etc. I trust them to make good decisions, even if they push boundaries at some point.

I was like this, just had no interest in doing anything 'rebellious', my brother was the same. We had lovely, laid back parents. It just wasn't in us.

It's healthy for teens to develop independence. That can come through rebellion but it doesn't have to.

Worth bearing in mind that a teen who dresses conservatively etc is already rebelling against some fairly pervasive social expectations, so I wouldn't assume it necessarily means a compliant personality- it could be quite the opposite.

My siblings and I were pretty much this. Brother and sister dabbled a bit in recreational drugs but it was a non issue and we all did well in school.

My oldest is 14 and still pretty charming and wholesome and I don't think is going go off the rails especially. It's all about picking your battles really - I mean it's just a non-issue for me that they dress in an unconventional way for example, or that they plan to dye their hair crazy colours and get piercings when they start 6th form college, but some people would consider that terrible rebellion.

Also I was reading something recently saying that these days there's less of a generation gap between parents and kids, and it's not as cringey to actually, for example, like the same bands as your mum.

I don't think it's important to rebel as much as it is to get some independence during teens. I'd kind of worry about a meek, wholesome teenager whose parents helicopter over them, but not one who travels independently, has a weekend job, has their own interests etc.

My mum always says she waited patiently for me to rebel and I never did. That being said, my mum was quite reasonable really - I was allowed to go to parties, drink alcohol within reason, wear what I wanted. Boyfriends would have been fine so I wouldn't have hidden it - and didn't but that didn't really happen in any serious way til I was nearly 18 anyway. I didn't really feel any need to rebel because she got that balance right. My mum trusted me, responded sensibly when I messed up, and I was able to talk to her about anything. She's still my best friend. The only down side is that she can still feel entitled to get involved in certain aspects of my life as if I'm still a teenager these days, which can be mildly irritating, but I've learnt to gently tell her to butt out when she oversteps!

I was not a rebellious teen. Or young adult.

I am an anxious person deep down, and that is probably why. Going slowly so as not to make mistakes, probably slowed my growth snd development emotionally. Not that I’ve ever been childish, reckless or irresponsible, but more that it has taken me much longer to know myself.

I would have been better off to jump into more early. I would have saved a lot of time. Anxious people aren’t like that. Sometimes people are more anxious than you realise even if they look like they have it altogether. Being “in control” msy look put together and smooth, but it is often driven by fear and anxiety.

I think we have come to expect the stereotype of a typical teen to be rebellious and full of angst whereas most young people are probably more middle of the road. My teens have certainly been moody at times and have probably done things that they would not want me to know about but to others they are outwardly polite, respectful and not overly rebellious.

When I read about the angst some other parents have to go through, I look back and realise just how lucky we were.

And it was nothing we did or didn't do in the way of parenting, just sheer luck.

My DD2 was never rebellious. At 25 she is still a lovely calm, hard working, friendly young woman. DD1 was a little rebellious but not much really. I think i got lucky!

I never quite understand the posters who say or imply that all teens - perhaps especially teen girls - are a nightmare.

Ours (both now 40s) never were, and didn’t ‘go mad’ later, either. And we were absolutely not ‘helicopter’ or very strict or controlling parents. Rather the reverse!

I was extremely square as a teenager. Still am tbh. Maybe I’ll finally rebel in middle age…

My two weren't particularly rebellious at all, because the things they wanted to do were all things I was fine with. They weren't interested in drinking because their dad was an alcoholic so they ran in the opposite direction. They hated school uniform but their 6th form was totally non uniform so they could express themselves there. And yes, they both have tattoos, but those are becoming more mainstream all the time. One's working and is starting a Masters in September, the other is in second year at uni and having a great time even though they are now disabled and a wheelchair user through multiple health issues.

What are her parents like? My parents are/were very easygoing and accepting...I never felt there was anything much to rebel against.

I spent most of my teenage evenings going to dance or ymnastics lessons, I did go out to gigs or parties but my parents knew where I was and I was allowed to go.

(gymnastics)

My experience is that teens are much less rebellious (as a whole) than when I was growing up. I don't think there were many in my year group of 150 who didn't go to the local disco on a Friday and Saturday (we were all underage) and get pissed. We were 15 onwards. All girls grammar. In comparison my niece at the same school and same age rarely goes out and if she does it's for lunch or coffee with her friends. Tbf they would be unlikely to get in anywhere now as door policies are so strict. She tells me it's cool to be smart these days!

@Girasoli

Both teachers and actually fairly relaxed about parenting. I think our side of the family as a whole are quite respectful and polite.

All four of my teens are very different. They all have their good points and they all have their flaws some more than others

One has a habit of drinking too much at parties and getting into trouble, another is a bit too much of a worrier and quite uptight, another struggles with friendships (and likes to regularly pick the “wrong” girls for relationships) but seems to have finally found his way, and the 4th has a bit of an attitude and empathy problem at times and is rebelling with body piercings….

But they are generally pretty pleasant, and don’t give us too much trouble. They can helpful around the house, and are usually very respectful and polite, and will always check in for a chat to see how our days have been and vice versa. It could be a lot worse!

As teachers I imagine nothing surprises them about kids/teens. It would probably be too much hard work to shock them 😆

I wonder how strong the correlation is between being straight laced and performing well academically? Are there people out there who went off the rails but did well academically and conversely those who were well behaved who actually weren't that academic?

conversations with people who rebelled significantly as teens often is tied with poor exam performance. They are the sort of people who would regard the quiet conscientious teen as boring and are quite proud of their teenage exploits.