Could anyone share their experiences of bereavement to help me see if I am being normal about this?

[FiftyNotNifty]

I have very recently lost a parent. I did a lot of running back and forward on errands etc to help other parent who was their full time carer. This of course increased massively over the last month or so of their life. This on top of my own work and family.

I am now off work on bereavement leave and feel so physically ill and drained. I was fine when they passed away, and have been very active in funeral planning etc. Emotionally I think I feel okay, but it's as if my body has given up on me. I'm so worried about going back to work and feel like I can't get through a day. It feels like that awful post covid,/post viral hit by a bus fatigue.

Has anyone else experienced this? I don't know how to get myself physically back up and running again.

When my mum died (I’d spent 8 months caring for her through terminal illness) my body packed up - I had chest infection after chest infection, ended up on steroids and have used an inhaler ever since (never had asthma previously), ear infections, eye infections, gum infections, I even got mastitis despite not having had a child. You have been running around doing extra for months, plus been on high alert and under acute stress, and grief has a huge physical impact in itself.

Im very sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and consider asking the GP to sign you off for longer if you feel you need it - I was back to work before the funeral as I didn’t know what else to do, but honestly I really made it worse for myself when what I most needed was rest.

It sounds very normal sadly.We run on adrenaline for so long neglecting ourselves in our care for others who need it . I was like you and one other thing I was too tired ,emotionally and physially just done I couldnt even cry. Your body and mind will readjust but it takes time.Grief is such a weird thing \i found it comes in waves. I am really very sorry about the loss you are dealing with. I hope you have some wonderful memories to hold on to to help you get through.My advice is dont expect too much too soon you have a lot of healing to do ,mentally ,physically and emotionally. Take care.

I am 5 months post my mum's death and have had many more illnesses that I have found harder to get past than before. Only now feeling like my energy levels are getting back to normal. I just felt tired and had no energy which looking back was a symptom of my emotional state. I had no time off work (during summer holidays as a teacher) so no break at all really then ended up crashing badly in October half term and getting signed off.

All sounds totally 'normal' whatever that is and be kind to yourself.

It’s so hard. It’s totally normal. I put a disc out and was flat on my back for three weeks after my dad died. We really do carry these things in our bodies.

I really hope you feel better soon. If you can manage it, all the usual things like fresh air, bit of exercise and good food all help.

Thank you! Jumping between app and website. It probably doesn't matter too much but have reported anyway.

Will repost, as I do genuinely appreciate the responses!

About 5-6 months after mum died, I felt so ill. I remember thinking to myself that I felt like my body was giving up. I genuinely felt like it was slowly shutting down.

I rested. I went away to my parents caravan where I just slept and walked the dogs. For a few days. Eventually it subsided. Though even 13 months since mum died, I still don’t feel healthy. Though during this time I have put weight on, a lot. So it’s not surprising.

Mums death has taken something from me. I am not the same person. I don’t feel the same. I don’t think I ever will. I don’t know if I will ever physically feel well. It’s like I ah e been in an accident that’s caused long term physical damage.

I am so sorry to read about all your losses and I hope it's OK that I'm taking some comfort from your experiences. I just did not expect this physical reaction.

I'm resting as much as possible but it doesn't seem to be making any difference.

I actually haven't cried now that I think about it, I've had little tearful moments but not a big sob...it does seem like that would require too much energy!

I also work in education and my job requires full effort and enthusiasm and energy...I just have none but don't know how long I can stay off for

Oh @Bellalalala I'm so sorry to read this.

I hope you feel some positive change soon. You're right though, I do feel like a different person. I don't know why, it wasn't a sudden or unexpected death. Its all so strange

Completely normal. My parent died in a hospice and as part of their family care, they have me a leaflet about common responses to grief. You're much more likely to get ill and take longer to recover from illness in the year after losing someone close to you.

You will also perceive physical pain more intensely than usual and as pain is your brain interpreting what your senses perceive, you are actually in more pain than you would be otherwise. So a headache as part of a 'normal' cold, for example will be more debilitating.

This is my memory of what I read at the time, so I might have got some nuances slightly off but that was the gist. I found it reassuring to know this was all normal and that the emotional upheaval had a 'real' impact. I hope it brings you some comfort too.
Take care of yourself.

my mother had dementia and was in a care home. She had a fit at the beginning of November and I was told she would probably have another fit the same day and would probably pass away that night. Obviously I sat with her for about 5 hours when she started snoring. The immediate crisis had passed and she was now sleeping albeit noisily . However it was apparent that she was dying. No one knew how long she had but the gp thought no more than a couple of weeks. She lived for another 3 months. I would get into work at 7am work through lunch, leave st 3 then sit with her until bed time. This was Monday to Friday. Saturday and Sunday I would just be with her. Obviously after she died I did all the normal funeral and admin stuff. The day I was due to return to work after bereavement leave, I had the worst migraine which lasted days. My gp told me it was called a bereavement reaction . My body was telling me to just STOP, STOP. My nervous system had coped and coped and coped until it couldn’t anymore. I had no choice but to listen to my body. It took another month until I was able to return to work.

Oh that's so interesting @PlumpkinPete
Thank you.
I have a real fear of long covid type things, having previously suffered from a post viral illness, so I tend to leap to panic mode when I feel unwell.

Sorry @Ahwig I missed your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. My experience has been less intense but very similar.

I think I feel guilty as my sibling does not appear to be suffering in the same way, in fact I feel I'm somehow letting my surviving parent down as they are ok at the moment and I am really flagging.

I think it's been the juggling, coming straight from a deathbed type of situation to full cheerful mum behaviour at home with my own kids . My head isn't making sense of it.

Huge random gap there sorry!

I've been almost bed bound since my mum collapsed and then went into care, we had to empty and sell her home of 65 years 5 hours drive away.

3 neighbour boundary disputes and a difficult sister almost broke me.

Diagnosed as a nervous system disorder post a long term stressful situation.

You been running yourself rampant. All of a sudden there's no more running around to do. It's exhausting. It's happened to me, twice. Not really taking in the shock of death, because there was always so much to sort out: finances, funeral arrangements etc. And then one day, it's done. Nothing left to sort and you're left with your thoughts. That's when the grief hits you like a train. It's hard. But, this too shall pass x

I really appreciate you sharing your experiences.

@stayathomegardener that's just awful I'm so sorry.

@VariantHela I think you're right, I've stopped for the first time in so long.

Totally normal. I cared for my mum through cancer. When she passed away I took a month off unpaid as we were extremely close. And I felt totally at sea. Went to see a friend, her son pinched my bottom, and I fell over and smacked my head on a wall. I then needed months of work to recover.
When I spoke to Cruse they said you would not believe the amount of people who have accidents while grieving. As if the body gives up.
Take care of yourself. It is early days for you.

My dm passed away in September, so recent.

I took 5 weeks off on bereavement leave. When I went back to work it didn’t go as smoothly as I thought. The first week back broke me. Luckily it was half term so had two weeks off.
After returning I was ill on three separate occasions. My asthma started to play up and then I was given medication that didn’t agree with me, it made me unwell for over a week.

Hoping you feel better soon 💐 take it easy on yourself.

Yes, very normal and I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember being constantly ill and utterly exhausted for months after losing my Dad, and currently my body is making me rest after losing my godmother suddenly two weeks ago - my brain wants to get on with things, my body is having none of it. It's a very weird feeling but in my experience and that of my friends who have also lost loved ones, it is normal and does eventually pass.

I am six weeks into this horrible journey and am completely exhausted

im not depressed as such but drained drained drained. Let yourself sleep and recover. I think it’s very common tbh

My mam died very suddenly and unexpectedly just after Christmas. My dad was then hospitalised and almost died and my husband left after an argument.

My dad is doing well now, my husband is back to at least help with the children until after my mams funeral...I am exhausted and numb and constantly dizzy and spaced out.. I can't sleep, I can barely eat (have lost over a stone in 3 weeks).

I feel I should be doing better, I should be back at work but I can't, not yet. I gave an extremely mentally demanding job and I just can't give my time to it right now.

Be kind to yourself op, sending you much love 💕

I have a neurological condition (autoimmune) and it has flared massively after my grandmother died this week. I have been nearly bed bound, even moving my arms or swallowing and talking is hard. It has absolutely shocked me how much grief affects us physically as well as mentally . The last time I was that badly affected was when I had COVID.

So this doesn't surprise me at all, purely the emotions I think can take a real toll on your body. And of course you are probably physically worn out and run down too.

Be kind to yourself and don't compare yourself to others- everyone's body reacts in a different way

Oh OP I'm so sorry

every bone in my body hurt for about two or three months after dad died. I think physical problems are very much a thing after bereavement.

all good wishes to you.