Could anyone share their experiences of bereavement to help me see if I am being normal about this?

[FiftyNotNifty]

I have very recently lost a parent. I did a lot of running back and forward on errands etc to help other parent who was their full time carer. This of course increased massively over the last month or so of their life. This on top of my own work and family.

I am now off work on bereavement leave and feel so physically ill and drained. I was fine when they passed away, and have been very active in funeral planning etc. Emotionally I think I feel okay, but it's as if my body has given up on me. I'm so worried about going back to work and feel like I can't get through a day. It feels like that awful post covid,/post viral hit by a bus fatigue.

Has anyone else experienced this? I don't know how to get myself physically back up and running again.

Op does the hospice/care facility your parent was under in their last part of sickness have any bereaveme support? Might be worth looking into and getting some help for you.

I work as a bereavement support worker for a hospice and what you describe is very normal. Especially if surviving parent is going through a "calm" phase.. you have held it in for so long it's finally time for your body to allow it out . Just ir allows it all out in one go.

I totally get you OP - my dad died just before Christmas and despite going back to work etc (their policy was one day bereavement leave!!) I am feeling utterly drained. I think it’s the grief plus the stress, it just sucks the life out of you xx hang on in there

I can't thank you all enough for replying and sharing your experiences. I'm so sorry you've all been through this and I hope it's OK that it's making me feel better to know this is normal!
Somebody mentioned covid; I had it a few weeks ago and it just feels like it's come back, aching limbs and sheer wiped out exhaustion.

My parent had end of life care at home, we were there at the end. Oddly I feel really positive about that. But no hospice etc involved.

I just want to have my physical energy back to deal with everything that needs dealt with.

Depending on where you live op some hospice offer bereavement counselling if the person who passed lived in their area. The hospice I work with allows 3 councils (SE London) so it may still be worth looking into. Ask your gp if there is anything like it in your area.

When I lost my partner it felt afterwards like I was at the doctor's every other week. I was either not sleeping or couldn't stay awake, my hair was falling out, I lost 3 stone in 3 months, I was either eating 24/7 or not eating at all, I had no concentration, I ached all over. Every morning just for a second I felt normal & then reality hit me, I constantly felt like I had a massive weight on my chest, I could understand what it felt like to die of a broken heart because that was like mine felt like. It took me at least 18 months before I felt anything near like my new normal, it's coming up to 8 years now, ironically dp died on ds 11th birthday, so now as well as being a special day for ds it is also the day my heart was shattered in to a million pieces.

When my Dad died I was fine for the funeral and we sorted his house that week. Once that was done I just sort of hit a wall and collapsed. It felt like a bus had run over me and reversed again a few times. Nothing in life I have experienced has ever come close to the pure total and utter exhaustion in the days and weeks afterwards. It was worse than the early weeks of pregnancy and covid combined. My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind and gentle to yourself and allow yourself the space to grieve, be angry, cry - let it all out. Sending huge hugs xx

I'm so sorry for your losses. I feel silly as my loss was expected and not really untimely.
My brain is whirring but my body has stopped!

I feel exactly the same. My DM died a year ago next week and I took over caring for my terminally ill DF, whilst starting a new high pressure job. DF deteriorated quickly and died in September. I left my job in November as I just couldn’t cope with the pressure.

I’m still sorting out the house etc, but I feel so ill all the time headache, aching bones, earache. Have been in bed for a few days as I just don’t have the energy to do anything else. I’m sure it’s grief related as it comes and goes. I have a few good days and get on with stuff, then I’m floored again. It’s a really horrible reaction to grief I have never heard of before.

So sorry to hear this @Badgerloco. It's just exhausting isn't it.

I'd like someone to wave a magic energy wand!

Honestly I think anything and everything can be normal after bereavement.

I was the opposite after my Dad's death - a whirlwind of energy, full of life. Everyone commented on how well I was coping. But of course I wasn't and it came back to bite me later. So all I can say OP is what others have already said - treat it like an illness, rest as much as you can, say no to whatever you can say no to, accept help wherever possible, and don't judge or push yourself.

I've lost both my parents now and I think it will affect me for ever, or maybe just until I reach the age where my friends also start losing their parents (I know that sounds awful, it's not meant in that way). There's a massive hole in my life and there are aspects of my personality, both good and bad, that are inextricably linked to being an 'adult orphan' and also the circumstances in which my parents died.

It's horrible OP and you have all my sympathies.

Yes, very normal and I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember being constantly ill and utterly exhausted for months after losing my Dad

My experience as well. Was smacked with a vile bout of depression a month after DM died (have always been prone to it but this was so bad I needed ADPs for a year). I'd get out of bed, turn the bath on and go back for 15 minutes, and in the evening was in bed by 7pm because that was the only place I felt safe. I was exhausted for months and have no idea how I managed my job - I was temping and nurse at the surgery said she'd love to tell me to leave work and go to bed for a month (couldn't afford that, unfortunately 🙁). Then a horrendous bout of bronchitis, which was so bad that at one point I genuinely thought I was going to die.

I'm so sorry, OP. Just at a time when we need all our energy and strength, why does the body and mind give up on us?

Don't apologise OP. It is perfectly fine to feel the way you do. There is no wrong or right. No normal or abnormal when it comes to how loss effects us. Take time for yourself to come to terms with it, to rest your mind and body as you go through this. Reach out to us fellow mumsnetters as often or as little as you need. Reach out to the GP and bereavement counseling if you need to. Tell your loved ones - friends and family you are feeling this way, you never know some of them may feel the same too. You do not have to be 'the lone strong rock' for everyone but if you want to be thats ok too. Im so sorry for your loss, an excuse my bluntness but having felt loss too it's just shit.

Oh goodness your last sentence is just IT. I'm feeling a bit more reassured now that this is normal, but it is just the last thing I need! Bed for a month sounds ideal. I hope you are feeling much better now?

@cheatingcrackers I can't even imagine how that must feel, but can totally understand it. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I know everyone is different, but what have people found to be helpful in healing?

Totally normal.

We have spent the last two years looking after MIL once her Alzheimer's went into overdrive. It was worrying, exhausting and very stressful. She died at the end of December, funeral last week, and we both feel completely floored, more tired than when she was still alive and we were having to go on an hours drive to see her several evenings per week.

I think of it like a physical wound. A badly broken leg takes time to get back to how it was before. It will take an operation and then time for the swelling to go down and the pain to stop, then maybe months of physio therapy to rebuild strength and muscle. Even then it might not get back to be exactly as it was.

Add to this we are in the middle of winter!

Don't expect to bounce back straight away. You need physiotherapist for the soul. Look after yourself OP, treat yourself, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time.

Im sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss.
Everything you’re feeling is normal. Grieving is exhausting and you were doing so much beforehand that you run on adrenalin, often not eating properly. Not sleeping properly too as you’re constantly on standby.
Make sure you drink plenty. I became unwell and was found to be dehydrated.
You can always speak to someone at Cruse or the hospital or hospice where your parent died will have advice , many have a bereavement counsellor.
Look after yourself and treat yourself kindly.

So sorry for your loss. I have definitely heard of this reaction to a bereavement and know that you are much more likely to be ill for some time afterwards. My take is that you have been on high alert, adrenalised and stressed and that lowers your immune system, selfcare sometimes goes out the window because you are needed elsewhere.

Maybe it isn’t our bodies and minds so much “giving up on us” though it can appear that way, but protecting us by forcing us to stop and just be - however uncomfortable that can feel?

You asked what can help healing. My own experience is that when my father died I had the strongest instinct to just stay in his home for a week and reflect on him whilst sorting his stuff. Was miles from home and really walked in his footsteps that week. It was a profoundly important time of meeting people he knew, talking about him, sitting in his chair and thinking deeply about who he was.

Obviously it was personal to my own circumstances, but I would definitely say just accept whatever you are feeling as OK for you, give yourself space to listen to your instincts and choose what feels right for you in the moment. Try to help your immunity build up again with gentle exercise, sleep or at least rest, walks in nature, gratitude for the good times and person, healthy food, whatever grounds you.

I hope you can start to restore and heal. Life can just be so tough but you will come through this.

My own experience is that when my father died I had the strongest instinct to just stay in his home for a week and reflect on him whilst sorting his stuff. Was miles from home and really walked in his footsteps that week

I was able to do this because DM lived in Australia and I flew out for the funeral and to stay with DB. The week after that he and SIL were back at work and I had the house to myself so could sort out DM's stuff. She'd kept all our school reports, all the cards we sent her, even for unimportant birthdays and to say 'hey mum, got a new job and this is where it is in Central London, just to let you know.' I was able to cry and talk to her and realise that she might not have been awfully good at showing it sometimes, but she did love us.

So sorry for your loss.
I lost my Dad a few weeks ago after a very short aggressive illness.
I've gone for long walks, read books & watched absolute crap on Tv.
I feel like im still in a state of shock & not really hit the grief stage yet. I cried more when he was ill knowing what was coming than I have since.
I had a couple of weeks off work & dreaded going back but I've found it's helped get back into some kind of routine. (Im only back part time)

Be kind to yourself, it really does feel like something you just have to get use to rather than something you get over.

Feeling very guilty on this thread because I am signed off for a month, but I just can't do anything else. Now diagnosed with ptsd following lifelong traumatic illness and death of a close relative. Totally relate to the being strong while going through it, now it's over it's just horrible but need to hold it together for my dc and upcoming inquest. It's like my brain is just shutting down after being on overdrive for years. The tension in my body is unreal, and I'm suffering from sleep apnea too , it's like I can't even be bothered to breathe!

Exercise and counselling are really helping me though.

💐 to everyone going through this.

So sorry for your loss OP. As other posters have said, how you are feeling is normal, if absolutely awful.

I lost my DH 3 years ago in a devastating way. I had urgent work to do and I did it like a robot for a week. Then went on bereavement leave and then signed off sick and I stayed in bed a lot. Didn't do anything except arrange his funeral. I went back to work and ended up being signed off again. I was so unwell for three months I mostly stayed in bed. Even now I sometimes feel desperate to go to bed in the afternoons. I still feel physically battered - arthritic fingers, aching joints, no stamina, just so bone tired.

Physically battered sums it right up! I'm normally quite fit and healthy too, but I can't bring myself to exercise and just seem to want to eat bread and biscuits! Which I know will not give me energy or health back.

I think my parent was ill for so long, I'd been focused on caring and hadn't really thought about the person they used to be. So actually I'm grieving their death but also the fact that their illness took them away in a lot of ways quite some time ago.

I can’t really leave the house. Well i can but leaving the house makes a panic attack fairly likely.

For some reason I really can’t cope with supermarkets very well, and absolutely hate the school run. I don’t want to see ANYBODY. In fact I kind of wish it were lockdown again where they’re was no pressure to participate in life.

Just wanted to ask if anybody else feels like this too?

Totally @SlaveToTheVibe . I'm very up and down with it though. What helped was actually giving myself permission to feel like this, but making the most of good days iykwim.