Ready to give up on child

[CupEmpty]

I know I’m going to get some judgey responses in here but pls realise this is coming from a place of desperation, I’m bereft and at my wits end.

My toddler (2.5yrs) is horrendous and I feel like giving up on her and just walking away. Everyone says ‘this is a phase’ but it’s been going on for forever (9 months +) and I have nothing more left to give. My tank is empty, she’s taken everything.

She acts out at me. She’s not as bad for her dad (who does help but works long hours), she’s brilliant with other kids when we are out (we go out 2x a day everyday, fresh air etc). She’s not in nursery because
of various reasons, she’s starting in may (as soon as we can). I’m a SAHM and have zero break, it’s me 24/7. I’ve also got a 4 month old baby who is obviously a big reason for her behaviour.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m heartbroken and miss my little girl. I can’t do anything with her, she pushes me away, won’t let me play with her, is moody and stroppy constantly, defiant and contrary. I can’t do a single thing ever without a big fight. There are no nice moments anymore, just all negative. I’ve tried everything. Making it a game, giving choices, picking battles, I’m not a soft parent and I discipline her when she does something tangible (eg hitting me gets a firm No! And removal from situation) but I don’t know how to handle this constant low level stroppyness. She doesn’t have the comprehension for a general reminder of her behaviour eg be nicer to mummy. She has a lot of big tantrums caused by minor things (eg getting dressed) but I feel I can deal with these - time out which really helps calm her down and then a cuddle) but it’s the other stuff I’m lost with. She’s horrible to me. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship. I know she’s feeling insecure about baby etc and I have tried. Believe me I have TRIED everything. I have love bombed her and given her basically 99% of the attention and the baby gets hardly any. I’ve exhausted myself giving her everything and it’s made no difference. I feel like I love her less and resent her. I’m so lost.

Have you spoke to health visitor/doctor. At 4 months with both of mine was when i hot a brick wall of exhustion. All the adrenalin had worn off and it was just complete drugery and exhustion. Are you eating enough, had bloods done. It might help you if you are so worn out.
Can dad take children out separately so you get some time one to one with each.
Its a very difficult and exhusting time. I couldnt do it again but it honestly doesnt stay like this forever. Sending you loads of love ❤️

She woll be picking up on your feelings and that you're being spread thinly between her and baby. Obviously, that's not your fault at all though.

Does she help at all with baby?

Stuff like "you're the big sister, can you get baby a nappy please"

Does she have a chance to hold baby (with supervision) and get involved with him/her?

I wonder if she could become more responsible with baby and if that would translate into her behaviour towards you?

It's just a thought and no idea if it'd work cos there's a 5 year age gap between mine, but if just might?

I feel physically ok, the only issue is her. I’m lucky baby sleeps fairly well, and is generally not too demanding. Dad works long hours 6 days a week but he will take her out for a couple of hours once a week. He also has a lot of time away for work, so I do a lot of solo parenting. Again we are changing this as soon as we can.

I really feel for you and it’s so hard with a baby as well!

But actually what you describe sounds like standard toddler behaviour especially with another baby just born. I think a reset of your expectations would really help. Have you listened to the podcast Unruffled? It’s a Q&A style based on parent questions about their toddlers and offers really helpful perspectives on situations just like yours.

Overall though, it sounds like you urgently need a break. Could you hire a mothers help for a few hours a day if there is no space at any nursery? A cleaner? A family member coming to stay for a while? Your DH taking a day a week off for the next few weeks?

It will get better. This is a typical stage of toddler behaviour marked by defiance and acting out. Things will be different at 3, even more at 4. You’ve just got to get through this bit.

She’s not really old enough to ‘help’ / doesn’t have the comprehension. I have tried but she just shouts ‘No!’ She does have a cuddle when she asks for one. I completely understand the baby is a big factor but equally her reaction is so extreme, and many many children have a sibling. None of my friends say theirs reacted this badly.

Check our dr Becky on Instagram and she also has a podcast. Her parenting tips are really good and they work.

It sounds really tough - can you make preschool or nursery happen any sooner?

While it is a developmental stage for them to act out, i wonder how much screen time does she get?

If she gets any, I would limit this massively to see if anything improves.

Maybe if you tell your friends or family how much you’re struggling with her behaviour they will be more open about their own experiences? It would be a strange fluke for everyone you know to have perfectly behaved toddlers.

My mum friends are full of tales of terrible things their toddlers did to their newborns (lighthearted, but also awful). Hang out around a supermarket or playground a while and you’ll see some dreadful (aka typical) toddler behaviour.

Yes, get nursery sorted, do you get free hours at age 2, i think you do.

Ok two things that stand out to me.
1: at 2.5 years I suspect she has far more comprehension than you think. Sometimes it’s just about the way you word things in order to help a toddler understand. And they can be very clever about pretending not to hear or not to understand! 😁

2: Nursery will be very good for her. She will have structure, routine, and other adults setting the boundaries.

Do you have a routine to your day? Does she know what happens in what order? And does she respond to praise and rewards?

I have listened to unruffled, read all Janet lansburys stuff. And big little feeling. All of them. I have spent hours reading parenting advice, it doesn’t seem to help. I do understand it’s normal but the intensity seems far worse than friends children. Yes all toddlers throw a strop about getting dressed etc, but this is relentless all day. Other parents seem to still have nice moments.

Do you think there are any additional needs?

You desperately need some respite. Can you cut back anywhere and get a few hours regular break? We find that more beneficial than any other 'treat '.

We have an emotions board from Amazon which helped,our toddler is similar but she's in nursery which really helps so do know it will get better,ours is just so keen to learn so it's really helped.i would cut screens if you can,do more physical play if you can,musical bumps,stop and go games etc,get to the park every day in an exact routine etc,and I'd defo stop time out,change it to time in and work on building your relationship.it will get better,my older two are lovely now!

My dd was nearly 2 when I had dd2. She would never go bear her. Wouldn't help. Wouldn't even sit with her for a photo. I wonder if it's the change?

We have routine. Up/ breakfast/ dressed (which is a bloody nightmare, demands breakfast, then Refuses, screams sulks etc) then out. Back for lunch, nap, the up and out again. Back for dinner then 1 hour tv before bed bath etc . Same everyday. Plenty of sleep, fresh air, exercise playing with other kids, and fresh food.

Also my dd didn't start nursery until age 3 as we couldn't afford it. I was alone too as dd works away. It is an awful stage.

This woman sorted us out

www.oonaalexander.co.uk/

She's so kind and works online so can help from anywhere. She does free consultations and video content I think, definitely worth it.

Also look into home start charity, they offer free support to parents for a few hours a week. I used them when thing were tough for us. Put all pride/ self sacrificing notions aside. It's bloody hard and you deserve help.

I would have thought her age would be too young to tell?

Is she getting enough sleep?

We have a similar age gap and my eldest was incredibly difficult at that age - you are not alone. She does have some SN it turns out but looking back, I think the main thing was that she really didn’t get enough sleep.

Has your DD dropped her nap - if so she may be short on sleep. Try and engineer a nap (do you have a double buggy for a long post lunch walk??) or very early bedtime.

For you - lots of deep breaths. Imagine a camera watching you. Count down till she starts nursery. Coffee. And a big hug.

Possibly but not necessarily @louise5754 . Quite a few parents of two and a half year olds notice if they haven’t met milestones. Of course, there could be other explanations.

Hi, wow you are supermum! I don't know how you manage with the baby and toddler all day everyday.

I've got a 2.5yo and a 2 month old baby and it is HARD! I really struggle to have both of them together as the baby is very high needs, won't be put down, refluxy etc. If one kicks off crying then the other one will too. My son is much better now but the first few weeks were hell, he was throwing his cereal on the floor etc. He still has big tantrums and is very difficult to get dressed etc.

As I don't have any family nearby I've got a mother's help to come twice a week to help out. She takes the toddler out and plays with baby so I can focus on the toddler. Eventually.... if my baby ever takes a bottle (😡) I'm hoping to leave baby at home and take my son out for 1:1 time. Could you get someone like this in, take a look at childcare.co.uk.

no concerns re ND - she is extremely social. Happy/ smiley and brilliant with other children, actively seeks them out to play. We meet others every day to play. My husband thinks she has ADHD but I don’t - she just has sooooooo much energy but that’s normal for her age. Yes plenty of sleep - 11 - 12 hours overnight and 1-2 he nap which she defo still needs. Sleeps great.

@Geranium1984 i certainly don’t feel like supermum, I feel like I’m failing her ☹️ I’m lucky the baby isn’t too bad, but mind you, my toddler was such a difficult high needs baby that anything seems easy in comparison to her!! I do try and do as much 1-1 with toddler when baby napping etc

If she sulks/ argues about clothes, pick your battles. Doesn't matter if she goes out in inappropriate clothing, she'll learn by natural consequences that she gets cold/ dress up stuff gets ruined in mud etc. anything ruse isn't worth worrying about. Maybe lower your standards if it avoids a row? My daughter was, and is still is, like this. Think a ten year old who wears too short ripped trousers everyday, 4 mismatched patterns in one outfit and odd shoes. Turns out she's probably on the spectrum and no amount of 'discipline'/ good parenting would have made a difference. She's just very particular and always will be. There's no point fighting it.