Ready to give up on child

[CupEmpty]

I know I’m going to get some judgey responses in here but pls realise this is coming from a place of desperation, I’m bereft and at my wits end.

My toddler (2.5yrs) is horrendous and I feel like giving up on her and just walking away. Everyone says ‘this is a phase’ but it’s been going on for forever (9 months +) and I have nothing more left to give. My tank is empty, she’s taken everything.

She acts out at me. She’s not as bad for her dad (who does help but works long hours), she’s brilliant with other kids when we are out (we go out 2x a day everyday, fresh air etc). She’s not in nursery because
of various reasons, she’s starting in may (as soon as we can). I’m a SAHM and have zero break, it’s me 24/7. I’ve also got a 4 month old baby who is obviously a big reason for her behaviour.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m heartbroken and miss my little girl. I can’t do anything with her, she pushes me away, won’t let me play with her, is moody and stroppy constantly, defiant and contrary. I can’t do a single thing ever without a big fight. There are no nice moments anymore, just all negative. I’ve tried everything. Making it a game, giving choices, picking battles, I’m not a soft parent and I discipline her when she does something tangible (eg hitting me gets a firm No! And removal from situation) but I don’t know how to handle this constant low level stroppyness. She doesn’t have the comprehension for a general reminder of her behaviour eg be nicer to mummy. She has a lot of big tantrums caused by minor things (eg getting dressed) but I feel I can deal with these - time out which really helps calm her down and then a cuddle) but it’s the other stuff I’m lost with. She’s horrible to me. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship. I know she’s feeling insecure about baby etc and I have tried. Believe me I have TRIED everything. I have love bombed her and given her basically 99% of the attention and the baby gets hardly any. I’ve exhausted myself giving her everything and it’s made no difference. I feel like I love her less and resent her. I’m so lost.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this and so glad to read the understanding, empathetic and thoughtful responses, which are hopefully making you feel less alone.

I’m also really sorry if this sounds harsh, and it really is not intended to, but I think it is really telling that you’ve got to the point where you can say “I feel physically ok, the only issue is her”.

You are the adult - she is still very, very young. You are exhausted with nothing left to give. The problem is not purely her - to me, the fact that you feel this way is an indicator that the issue is you… You are drained - you aren’t able to manage well right now.

I really second suggestions to speak to health visitor and GP as these feelings, the hopelessness and the negativity you are feeling towards your toddler, could be symptoms of post natal depression, which can become very severe if left undiagnosed and untreated/unsupported.

Having two is absolutely exhausting, especially so close together. I think your schedule sounds quite full on and creates quite a few pressure points in your day which then become battlegrounds. If she wants to play a bit before breakfast and you don’t go out in the morning, does it matter? Going out once a day is probably more than enough until she’s a bit more settled. Even if the odd day at home wouldn’t be a disaster. Take away pressure as much as possible for both of your sakes - if she doesn’t have a bath for instance, is it the end of the world?

Are there any relatives you could stay with for a couple of days just to get some sleep? There’s lots of different strategies to employ with toddlers, and it sounds like you’re trying to throw the kitchen sink at “fixing” her, when you might get better results looking at what you can do to put more fuel in your own tank.

You have a lot on your plate and I completely understand you’re burnt out, but your feelings need to be voiced in real life and explored with a health professional, in case there’s something more serious going on for you.

Good luck 💐

My only contribution here is that even at 12, my son picks up unconsciously on how I speak to him and his brother, and also speaks like that. So if I’m in a bad mood, I notice immediately that he is also more short and grumpy with his brother. When I make an effort to speak to them in the way I want them to speak to me and each other, they do.
When mine were also tiny, my eldest was a tricky toddler. Very independent and stroppy and wanted his own way. As a 12 year old this has morphed into a lovely, clear headed, intelligent boy who also can clearly articulate why he wants his own way!
the things I found helpful were kind of parroting back their feelings and secondly trying to stay calm and make a joke out of things. So “oh, that puzzle looks like it’s making you feel frustrated” or “the baby crying is pretty hard to listen to huh? But it’s his only way of telling us what we need, can you help me figure out what he wants?”
i felt like I was in a big battle all the time and then one day i just thought, I’m not the mum I want to be, I want to have fun with my kids, so I tried to relax, speak in a kinder way - I’d say “let’s not fling our food on the floor - if you’re done, just say “done”” instead of “no! Stop throwing your food” and try and do fun things. If they like meeting with friends, do that as much as you can (we joined playgroup and then saw people pretty much every day)
Good luck, it’s a hard stage, be kind to yourself and remember that it will pass.

Is there any way you can go to work and put the children into childcare? Even if you break even financially, do it for yourself.

I'm MUCH happier working, I 100% could not be a SAHM. I personally think having that time for yourself will make you more able to deal with your daughter when you are home.