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Original poster

Do you micromanage your husband?

80 replies

kavalkada · 14/01/2023 10:25

It is a hot topic on Mumsnet. I have noticed most women hate it, but I’m one of those who love doing it. I wonder if there are more of us.
My husband will do everything I say, but I have to say it. I would lie if I said we haven’t fought over that in ten years of marriage, but after few years I have learned to play it to our strenghts.
So now he does most of the iroinng, shopping. Bathing the kids is only his job (3 and 8). Deep clean the bathrooms, change sheets, clean the Windows (in and out), does most of the night walkings with our daughter who still doesn’t sleep well, takes our kids to doctor, playdates, sport activities.
He is naturaly more sporty, so does more sport things with kids.
Kids stuff he does all on his own without asking him, but housework does after I tell him.
I’m natural organizer and love planning. I would never let him plan holidays and christmas, I enjoy doing those things on my own too much.

OP posts:

chronictonic · 14/01/2023 13:26

SuperPup86 · 14/01/2023 10:50

We've been together nearly 20 years. I don't think either of us 'micromanage' the other but we have naturally fallen into a pattern of playing to our strengths - so when it's a joint job, the 'lead jobber' will give the other instructions, which they follow quite meekly.

Like - DH does the gardens. He enjoys it, is good at it, I have little interest. But in Spring when we have a big clean up I'll help and pull my weight but I'm happy to follow his instructions. I know when to stay in my lane and I have no idea what 'needs' doing to each plant. So he'll tell me exactly what to do whilst he does another area and I do it. I'd never dream of questioning him, I know nothing about gardening!

Dh would never dream of booking a holiday. He might mention that he fancies Portugal this year or make another suggestion but that's it. I'm good at online research, great at bargain hunting and comparison sites - he's awful. If I tell him to have a look if there are any free child places at xyz, he will, but only following specific instructions.

I think it's a fairly normal pattern to have fallen into after a long time.

This.
We're the same & you've summed it up perfectly.
It works really well for us and we have always felt like a great team.

Hbh17 · 14/01/2023 13:30

No, because he is a competent adult. We have, over 3 decades, fallen into a habit of each taking on certain tasks, but that just means we never need to discuss them - result! I would never TELL him to do anything, ffs. We both enjoy our independence and so we're also perfectly capable of operating separately too.

The OP makes me feel sad, and certainly does nothing to address the stereotypes about women, esp wives.

steppemum · 14/01/2023 13:30

BumpyaDaisyevna · 14/01/2023 11:14

I tend to be the one that knows what needs doing house children and shopping wise.

He tends to know what needs doing in terms of DIY cars boiler garden.

So at the start of the weekend we talk about what the kids are doing what else needs doing etc and then agree who is doing what.

but if we have agreed that he will do eg the hoovering, clean the bathroom and order the shopping that weekend then I would not be telling him how to do that.

we are similar to this, we have our own areas of strengths, but work as a team. So, yes over Saturday breakfast I might say sheets need doing, or he might say DC needs driving to X, or loo needs fixing and we work out who will do what.
But I would find the level of micromanaging that you are talking about deeply unattractive. I want a partner who takes responsibility for things round the house, and not one that needs telling.

The crunch for me is - if I was away for the week, what would happen? I am actually away every summer for a week running a camp. When I get back, I'd expect everything to be as it would be if I had been there, washing done hoovering done etc. But there is no way I am leaving a list or telling him what needs doing, he is an adult looking after his own kids.
By the same token when he is away for work, I put out the bins and fix things that break.

That's team work

jojojanner · 14/01/2023 13:30

@kavalkada isn't being in a relationship about bringing the best out in each other and supporting each other to reach their dreams. Doesn't your dh have his own dreams or does he just appease you?

TheodoreMortlock · 14/01/2023 13:33

kavalkada · 14/01/2023 11:54

It’s not sarcasm, trust me. But english is not my first language so I understand if it seems like that.
I honestly never thought about it this way, I thought we were a team.

Show quote history

Possibly because English isn't OP's first language I think a lot of posters have the wrong end of the stick.

She's not making him do all the chores while she puts her feet up, he's not Cinderella.

She's in the "mental load" position that a lot of women here dislike so much - he is content to do certain chores when she tells him they need doing, but if she didn't tell him they need doing he wouldn't do any of it because he just 'wouldn't see it.' So she does ALL of the mental load, part of which is delegating things to him, which he then does happily.

She's asking if anyone else is content to shoulder the mental load.

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