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Original poster

Do you micromanage your husband?

80 replies

kavalkada · 14/01/2023 10:25

It is a hot topic on Mumsnet. I have noticed most women hate it, but I’m one of those who love doing it. I wonder if there are more of us.
My husband will do everything I say, but I have to say it. I would lie if I said we haven’t fought over that in ten years of marriage, but after few years I have learned to play it to our strenghts.
So now he does most of the iroinng, shopping. Bathing the kids is only his job (3 and 8). Deep clean the bathrooms, change sheets, clean the Windows (in and out), does most of the night walkings with our daughter who still doesn’t sleep well, takes our kids to doctor, playdates, sport activities.
He is naturaly more sporty, so does more sport things with kids.
Kids stuff he does all on his own without asking him, but housework does after I tell him.
I’m natural organizer and love planning. I would never let him plan holidays and christmas, I enjoy doing those things on my own too much.

OP posts:
NoNameNowAgain · 14/01/2023 10:51

Does he want to plan Christmas and holidays?
I feel a bit guilty about my failure to organise things like parking at the airport, car hire, taxis or whatever but DH doesn’t seem to mind, or I hope not.
He does micromanage me in some areas if I let him. I don’t think I do him unless it’s something very specific like the time he made stollen from his mother’s recipe, which is just a list of ingredients and no instructions.

Original poster
kavalkada · 14/01/2023 10:51

Suprima · 14/01/2023 10:46

’would never think about it by himself’

He would never think that the bedding needs to be changed?

Show quote history

No he wouldn’t. When I met him, his home looked like something from Kim and Aggie and he was content to live like that.

OP posts:
Bunchamunchacarrots · 14/01/2023 10:52

I think what you are talking about is project management. I have fallen into the role with DH because I do it at work and am better at it but really resent that. Also, DH has some executive functioning issues and struggles with planning and knowing what to do next.

Original poster
kavalkada · 14/01/2023 10:53

NoNameNowAgain · 14/01/2023 10:51

Does he want to plan Christmas and holidays?
I feel a bit guilty about my failure to organise things like parking at the airport, car hire, taxis or whatever but DH doesn’t seem to mind, or I hope not.
He does micromanage me in some areas if I let him. I don’t think I do him unless it’s something very specific like the time he made stollen from his mother’s recipe, which is just a list of ingredients and no instructions.

No, he doesn’t want to do that. It’s not something that he would think about that.

OP posts:
SnoozyLucy7 · 14/01/2023 10:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Alexandra2001 · 14/01/2023 10:58

@kavalkada Have you broken his legs if he has refused you?

Seriously, if you are both genuinely happy... fair play.

But i wonder how people would view your post if you were a man writing about his wife?

EileenAdler · 14/01/2023 11:00

You sound like Hyacinth Bucket on speed.

Original poster
kavalkada · 14/01/2023 11:00

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I sound like a dictator because I tell him to change the sheets while I cook? Or because I buy all the presents for Christmas and wrap them? Or tell him to iron while I go to shop to buy shoes with my son?
Do you think I should iron after I sort my laundry around midnight while he rests?
He’ll be happy to know that.

OP posts:
NoNameNowAgain · 14/01/2023 11:06

From various other threads, it seems that a lot of men do expect this level of management. Most women seem to find it a burden. If you are happy, that’s good.

BreviloquentBastard · 14/01/2023 11:06

No because I married an adult male not a child.

Blessedly he's capable of using his own brain and not relying on mine.

Original poster
kavalkada · 14/01/2023 11:07

I have to go now. I have lunch to cook, and my shift starts at 2 pm. But you gave me lot of food for thought.
I now see that I’m the abusive one in our relatiinship.
I never thought about that, abusers never do. I could cry. He is lovely and I treat him like crap.
sorry

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 14/01/2023 11:10

kavalkada · 14/01/2023 11:00

I sound like a dictator because I tell him to change the sheets while I cook? Or because I buy all the presents for Christmas and wrap them? Or tell him to iron while I go to shop to buy shoes with my son?
Do you think I should iron after I sort my laundry around midnight while he rests?
He’ll be happy to know that.

Show quote history

I don't mean in this list but overall everything you do how much has to be done because it's really does

Or how much is it you have decided it has to be

How much ironing has to be done? How often do the sheets need to be changed, does the washing having to be put away or can people collect their own

Do you genuinely love doing it as in a hobby or it is ingrained in you?

I am not asking you to answer these on here, but they way you work does not seem sustainable to me

We do the minimum and it doesn't get done life goes on

Stomacharmeleon · 14/01/2023 11:11

I Don't think you do and wonder if it's your phrasing on here.
I used to be married to a man who needed to be asked to do everything as he didn't appear to 'see' what I saw.
If your happy with the status quo it doesn't matter what the Mumsnet massive think?
It grated on me after a while. It seemed a very old fashioned way of thinking. Why does he not want clean beds or ironed clothes?
If it works for you it works for you.

Stomacharmeleon · 14/01/2023 11:12

It's also struck me as a big tit for tatt eg 'I am cooking so you have to be doing something like the beds'
What if he just wants to sit on his arse and watch tv?

tulips27 · 14/01/2023 11:13

I'm single but almost all (or maybe all) the married women I know do this. I couldn't stand it myself but it seems to be a natural part of marriage. Maybe that's one reason I'm not suited to it.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 14/01/2023 11:14

I tend to be the one that knows what needs doing house children and shopping wise.

He tends to know what needs doing in terms of DIY cars boiler garden.

So at the start of the weekend we talk about what the kids are doing what else needs doing etc and then agree who is doing what.

but if we have agreed that he will do eg the hoovering, clean the bathroom and order the shopping that weekend then I would not be telling him how to do that.

NoNameNowAgain · 14/01/2023 11:15

And actually, is it micromanaging or is it just managing. Do you inspect his work and tell him how he should have done it better?

Scalottia · 14/01/2023 11:16

What a nightmare, your poor husband! I wouldn't like this at all. I am glad that my husband is a grown up who doesn't need me to manage his life.

FrangipaniBlue · 14/01/2023 11:18

Nobody on Mumsnet asks husband to do something while they do something else so they can play with kids or rest together after that?
Do you think I should everything on my own?

No you shouldn't do it on your own. Your DH shouldn't need to be told - he should be thinking for himself!

I imagine you do the same to your DC..... if any of them are boys you are not doing your future DILs any favours!!

knittingaddict · 14/01/2023 11:32

Wow, this can't be real, can it?

ssd · 14/01/2023 11:32

I probably do this too but i wouldn't be on mn bragging about it.

Once the kids are grown and you still feel partly responsible for someone else its a massive pain in the arse.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 14/01/2023 11:40

JorisBonson · 14/01/2023 10:28

No. He's a grown man and can do thing on his own. I'm not his boss or his mother.

Exactly

springerspanielpuppy · 14/01/2023 11:41

kavalkada · 14/01/2023 11:07

I have to go now. I have lunch to cook, and my shift starts at 2 pm. But you gave me lot of food for thought.
I now see that I’m the abusive one in our relatiinship.
I never thought about that, abusers never do. I could cry. He is lovely and I treat him like crap.
sorry

Can’t work out if you’re being sarcastic here. It’s the language that you use, tell him not ask him, does he have to do it when you say, what if he says no?

is he submissive? If he lived in squalor before does he appreciate your micromanaging or are you forcing change upon him?

Did you discuss this or just decide to boss him about?

Kindofcrunchy · 14/01/2023 11:46

My husband does need to be told when things need doing, but I wouldn't class that as abuse - just that I have a higher standard of hygiene than him and can prioritise jobs better. For example, if it was up to him, the beds wouldn't get changed for months, he'd just be filling his time with random DIY jobs.

HedgehogOBrian · 14/01/2023 11:47

Why are you encouraging him to be this reliant on you? What happens if you’re poorly or in hospital - it will all fall apart

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