Do you micromanage your husband?

[kavalkada]

It is a hot topic on Mumsnet. I have noticed most women hate it, but I’m one of those who love doing it. I wonder if there are more of us.
My husband will do everything I say, but I have to say it. I would lie if I said we haven’t fought over that in ten years of marriage, but after few years I have learned to play it to our strenghts.
So now he does most of the iroinng, shopping. Bathing the kids is only his job (3 and 8). Deep clean the bathrooms, change sheets, clean the Windows (in and out), does most of the night walkings with our daughter who still doesn’t sleep well, takes our kids to doctor, playdates, sport activities.
He is naturaly more sporty, so does more sport things with kids.
Kids stuff he does all on his own without asking him, but housework does after I tell him.
I’m natural organizer and love planning. I would never let him plan holidays and christmas, I enjoy doing those things on my own too much.

It’s your use of the word ‘tell’ that makes me recoil. I wouldn’t ever ‘tell’ a grown adult what to do - that is micromanaging and controlling. Discuss and work out what jobs there are and split them would surely be a healthier relationship?

Good relationships play to each others strengths and share the load (and I think anyone can learn to be good at, say, ironing so people who say ‘oh, but they’re so GOOD at the ironing are lazy or controlling arses).

It’s not sarcasm, trust me. But english is not my first language so I understand if it seems like that.
I honestly never thought about it this way, I thought we were a team.

I don’t “manage” him at all. He’s an adult and I’m not his boss! He also lived by himself before we got together so he really doesn’t need to be told that the bedding needs changed or the fridge needs cleaned.

Have given up on marriage now - do to this type of behaviour by soon to be ex - One day he will wake up - get mugged for 50% of everything & no doubt have to start again .What will you do then find another younger mug to control.

no but i am always astournded by grown women giving their dh Lists

My husband would laugh at me.
We each play to our strengths (I don’t like cooking much any more, he does so he does it, for example, he’s disabled so I do most of the physical stuff) and it works pretty well.

We’re intelligent adults and don’t need to be given instructions.

That’s why I asked if you had discussed it if he thinks this how a team works and is happy with that?

Right now my DH is scrubbing the kitchen floors because he thinks they need a good scrub and that’s his priority right now. I disagree as the steam mop is enough for me and my priority would be him sorting his pile of clothes on the floor over his side of the bed.

If he told me to scrub the floor I’d say no, even if he asked I would say no. If I said sort your clothes out he’d say they can wait until later.

Right now I’m sitting on my phone so sometimes one of us is busy and the other one isn’t.

My standards are higher than his generally.

I've learnt to give clear instructions about jobs he can get on with because otherwise nothing happens and the place turns into a slum, I can't do it all by myself with work and everything else I need to get done.

God some people just love to be the boss. This sounds horrendous

No, we're both adults, one of us is not in charge of the other
We are both capable of looking around, seeing what needs doing and doing it.
Yes we generally play to our strengths and there are some things that one or the other enjoys doing more so generally that falls to them but we just get on with stuff.
I couldn't be with someone who needed me to tell them what to do and when, I'm not his mum.

I am not a good organiser, but it doesn’t sound like the jobs are unequal for OP. It takes effort to plan, organise etc:

we have a model like @SuperPup86 . I am not ‘allowed’ to do DIY (I can and have done but DH is specific about what should happen and is better at understanding what is needed). I deal with car and kids medical appts as I have more knowledge/interest.

If roles were reversed we'd be saying LTB and posting messages of concern about you and your DCs' safety. You must know it isn't right because you're asking on here.

One of these days he'll snap and walk out, if you're lucky. Otherwise, he'll seek comfort and freedom before he's let you know the marriage is over. And then he'll leave. Hopefully the former, the latter would make him quite the massive bellend.

We’re fairly similar to this.

I think you apologise to your husband and then go and turn yourself into the police.

No. Life would probably run smoother and the house wouldn't certainly be tidier if I did. But we would be less happy.
I micro managed my first husband to some degree. Arguably he needed it or else nothing would ever have got done (and to some degree this is the case with dh though far less). In my first marriage there were two little kids and much more outside dress to contend with so in fairness more need for micro managing or we would have been sunk. But it created a bad dynamic and a lot of resentment on both sides and though that wasn't the reason we split up it might have been one of the root causes of him seeking to have affairs (also he was a bit of a dick but).
I don't want to recreate that in my second marriage and for the sake of having a tidy house or an organised garden shed or whatever it is he needs direction on I dont think it's worth it. If those things bother me enough I'll do it myself or say 'can you help me with this?' Or if not, I just live with them happily without them being done-as they are my standards, not necessarily his.

It’s something that happens when standards are mismatched. OP sounds like she has a better idea of what needs to be done for the kids to have a decent home. It doesn’t seem like jobs are unequally split - but I guess it would be a problem if her DH wanted a different split of jobs and she refused to compromise (but that doesn’t sound like the situation here). If the DH did nothing, or only what he did when he was single (when they now have kids), we would say he is neglectful and selfish.

Absolutely not. DP is a highly intelligent, highly qualified man with a senior job. Why TF would he need micromanaging? If he hasn’t got clean socks or an ironed shirt to wear, or he can’t organise his own dentist’s appointments, that’s his problem, not mine.

No, he’s a grown ass man who runs an engineering department of 60 people. He’s capable of working out what needs to be done without me telling him.

OP, I don't think you sound controlling but I do think you are kidding yourself that 'you love it'. Your DH sounds lazy and incompetent and you are enabling this behaviour, this is no example to be setting to your children.

If you do ACTUALLY love enabling him then fair play.

Posters on this thread are acting like women doing the lion's share of household management is not a well known thing, or carrying the mental load of planning for birthday, holidays etc.
I'd love to live in your world.

Yes, that sounds more like it.

Acting like a man’s mother certainly wouldn’t get my knickers wagging, but you do you, I guess.

I’m not sure I buy into your ‘I could cry’ from the responses to your thread. You certainly posted robustly enough with an inflammatory topic, almost like you knew it might stir things up a bit.

This is the type of woman every woman hopes her son doesn't marry.
If a man behaves like this to a woman everyone would be saying LTB but if it works for you and your dh that's your life but I bed he moans about the dragon to his work mates and probably toes the line to keep the peace.

Christ, that's not a partnership lets ask your husband how happy he really is I'll bet you it's not very.

I wouldn't dream of micromanaging my husband, he's his own person and free to do as he chooses, he's a great friend and partner neither of us would dream of telling the other what to do.