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Original poster

Don't know how to respond to friend

54 replies

calidai · 12/01/2023 13:43

My friend and I used to have a great friendship. She would turn up whenever she felt and I cooked for her and this arrangement just worked. We chatted for hours.

Ever since she got a boyfriend two years ago she was barley available to meet up. She was going through the honeymoon phase. This phase has lasted two years.

I raised with her very politely last summer than I had invited her to so many things and she had turned them all down and therefore would wait for her to suggest a plan next time. I said that since she has been in a relationship she has been very absent. I told her that it is fine if she wants less meet ups but that i won't be making the effort to make suggestions. She seemed very surprised and hadn't noticed and said she would make more effort. She left early because her boyfriend arrived back earlier than she expected. I saw the text.

Every two months I would invite her to something and she would say 'I don't know what my plans are for that weekend yet' and then never get back.

Last time we met up she really insulted me. I know she didn't mean to but she said two cocky comments which were quite out of character for her. I posted about it here and people said she was naive and rude.

She has tried to message me this week to meet up. The problem is that I don't have an income now and don't want to spend but don't want to be judged for this. I don't want her to bombard me with suggestions of great jobs that have very high salaries like hers because I find it quite patronizing.

After back and fourth and back and fourth with times we are both free Sunday afternoon.

I invited her round to help me assemble my Ikea furniture wardrobes as that was my plan for Sunday. I have asked if she could help me with something before only twice and on both occasions she was busy. I thought I could cook for her but didn't suggest that in the text. I have helped her in the past with errands and I thought if she was helping me it may help me move past the insults and see her as the kind person I know she is.

She has just texted me back saying shall we meet in the evening for a meal and drinks then.

I don't know why this has pissed me off and she turned it down because she doesn't want to help. I think it's because i give a lot to my friendships and I think in order to move forward I need to see her give. I helped her shift a really heavy table up four flights of stairs for 45m. I will help friends move, check CVs, read over applications, paint a front door and really these are the kind of friends I would like to. Was I unreasonable for her to ask me to help her in this way?

I just don't know how to respond because I don't want to burn bridges incase this is a low patch and I change my mind later. I just don't know how to respond to a friend but I am not wanting to meet up in the near future, I don't want any nastiness or to have to explain. Please tell me if i'm being unreasonable or if what text I should send.

I am tempted to say. Are you no longer free Sunday afternoon or do you not want to help with furniture. Then I know if shes prioritized someone else or doesn't want to help.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 12/01/2023 13:45

I would probably say no to assembling furniture too if i was expecting something more chilled out.

fruitstick · 12/01/2023 13:48

Is she any good at assembling furniture? This kind of request would give me the fear.

Also, as you've complained about her making time for you, I don't think the first time she does you should give her jobs to do. It's hardly encouraging.

HadEnoughOfBears · 12/01/2023 13:49

I wouldn't come and help you assemble furniture but only because I am terrible at stuff like that however I would absolutely explain this to you.
If I knew you couldn't afford to go out out I'd be happy to come round with some drinks and nibbles and just hang out at no cost to you.

Shouldbeworkingnotreadingtalk · 12/01/2023 13:49

YABU I'm afraid - I love assembling furniture. Especially IKEA, but even I would think "no thanks" if I haven't seen a friend for a while. You can't have a proper catch up and follow instructions that not have pictures and no words - yiu need to concentrate on the task. Sorry, I know that's not wanted you wanted to hear.

Original poster
calidai · 12/01/2023 13:50

I just don't feel I can see her and not feel pissed off right now.

OP posts:
oldperson1 · 12/01/2023 13:51

Could you just say that you are a bit short of cash and that you needed help with the furniture and as a thank you intended to cook her a meal .
You thought this would be a good way to have a catch up and then see what her response is before you burn your bridges.

pawprintseverywhere · 12/01/2023 13:51

Maybe she just wants to chill

Raindancer411 · 12/01/2023 13:53

Just say, sorry your busy in the evening and see what she says

MoggyP · 12/01/2023 13:54

YABU

And rather a CF, to the outside observer, as you (finally) pick a time to meet u as friends, then you turn it into a furniture assembly session.

TedMullins · 12/01/2023 13:54

This isn't really about the furniture, is it (but I would help a friend assemble furniture, and friends have helped me in the past with it). It's that she's one of those shitty people who forget about their friends when they get into a relationship. I would put time and energy into other friends and fade her out. I bet she'll be crawling back if they break up

Sparklfairy · 12/01/2023 13:57

Say you won't have time to meet in the evening as you'll probably still be stuck assembling the furniture all on your own Wink

Original poster
calidai · 12/01/2023 14:03

I do feel she has been a very bad friend over the last two years. I have been very low on her priority list. When we have met up I have left sometimes feeling a bit crap. Sometimes because I thought we were spending the day together but I realized she's squeezed me in her day and rushes off, and other times because she says something which feels a smidgen condescending. I feel I have given so much energy to make plans because I really needed a friend and she is only there when it's convenient to her. I know she doesn't want to do a chore but I think her helping me would have really signalled that she really cares and wants to be a friend.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 12/01/2023 14:07

I think it's because i give a lot to my friendships and I think in order to move forward I need to see her give.

This is so cold and transactional, it's meant to be a mutual friendship but you feel that she owes you. You see her as a debtor, not a friend.

I think it's normal for the intensity of friendships to fade as we get older, partners and family assume more of a priority in our lives. Friends are still there, but they are not the central part of our lives any more. Your friend is at this stage, you are not so their is a mismatch of expectations. I would not see her, as I feel your resentment will come across and potentially cause more problems for the future - and keep in mind that she's completely unaware that you see this as a test of your entire friendship, because that's not how she sees it.

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 14:10

I’m sorry op, no way I’d say yes to this. She’s still wanting to see him, I don’t think it’s ok to make her build furniture as some form of penance.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/01/2023 14:10

Well, you tested her, and she’s failed. She’s not that friend and hasn’t been for some time. You need some proof that she’s a good friend you can rely on, and she hasn’t given it to you.

If you want to confront it then do so and be prepared to set off a rift.

Ofherwise just texted back, can’t do the evening, see you another time soon.

She sounds crap, from how you’ve described her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/01/2023 14:12

AllOfThemWitches · 12/01/2023 13:45

I would probably say no to assembling furniture too if i was expecting something more chilled out.

Even if that person had really helped you?

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 14:12

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/01/2023 14:10

Well, you tested her, and she’s failed. She’s not that friend and hasn’t been for some time. You need some proof that she’s a good friend you can rely on, and she hasn’t given it to you.

If you want to confront it then do so and be prepared to set off a rift.

Ofherwise just texted back, can’t do the evening, see you another time soon.

She sounds crap, from how you’ve described her.

I don’t think she’s failed as she doesn’t wish to build ikea furniture .

OnMyWayToSenility · 12/01/2023 14:19

Just text her back this

Sounds great but after doing the flat pack all day I'll be too tired to go out. Feel free to bring a bottle over in the evening, I'm going to need it! Be good to see you .

Original poster
calidai · 12/01/2023 14:19

I just think after the last time we met and she made the two insults something shifted. (She has no idea how I felt). But because I was feeling bad I looked back at our friendship and whilst I tried to be understanding of her new priorities, I ran out of steam and I started to feel a bit crap about it. Some things she had said which I brushed off I now saw as condescending. And she's not a bad person, but she is doing so well in her career financially and was trying to teach me, when I didn't ask for it. It felt as if she was looking down on me. Then I invited her to something and she never got back which was further rejection. I think I just feel like she's not as good a friend as I thought or she sees the friendship differently. I don't want to meet up for a while.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 12/01/2023 14:42

@Fushiadreams I just mean the OP set it as a test and the friend failed from that perspective. The friend no doubt recognised it for a test and she has refused it. In a way OP offered an opportunity to her to show she’s still a friend in the way they once were.

In the past OP has offered her a lot of practical help like this so it’s not unprecedented.

OP I do think she’s making it clear that she can’t be the friend you need, sorry.

Miala · 12/01/2023 14:43

Go for the meal out. See how you feel afterwards. It sounds like you've not seen her much lately (?) and have been stewing in your own head. Get out there, try to have a good evening and take it from there.

I think if you haven't seen someone for a while it would be quite normal to do a light touch meet up first, before getting into major favours, no matter what favours have been done in the past. Maybe she is testing whether you actually want to see her rather than needing help, especially if she has an inkling she might have hurt your feelings.

ChicCroissant · 12/01/2023 14:55

You've invented all kinds of scenarios and reasons for her actions in your head OP, which your friend can never beat because she doesn't even know about them! There is no way your friend can win here! Don't see her, you'll end up saying something you regret.

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 14:58

Miala · 12/01/2023 14:43

Go for the meal out. See how you feel afterwards. It sounds like you've not seen her much lately (?) and have been stewing in your own head. Get out there, try to have a good evening and take it from there.

I think if you haven't seen someone for a while it would be quite normal to do a light touch meet up first, before getting into major favours, no matter what favours have been done in the past. Maybe she is testing whether you actually want to see her rather than needing help, especially if she has an inkling she might have hurt your feelings.

I also think the ops being stewing in her own head and is also maybe envious of her or self conscious about not having a job.

burnoutbabe · 12/01/2023 15:07

I'd offer to help in this situation even if I am a bit crap as surely my role is just to hold stuff for the other person to do the work.

And I don't help, who then would?

So I'd stick to that being the offering -cone and help you out and you'll do dinner (and you can't afford dinner out anyway)

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 12/01/2023 15:18

She would of offered if she wanted to help I'd just reply "no busy Sunday evening as I'll still be building the wardrobes." And then not bother with her anymore.

She's not a friend op. She's a user.