Don't know how to respond to friend

[calidai]

My friend and I used to have a great friendship. She would turn up whenever she felt and I cooked for her and this arrangement just worked. We chatted for hours.

Ever since she got a boyfriend two years ago she was barley available to meet up. She was going through the honeymoon phase. This phase has lasted two years.

I raised with her very politely last summer than I had invited her to so many things and she had turned them all down and therefore would wait for her to suggest a plan next time. I said that since she has been in a relationship she has been very absent. I told her that it is fine if she wants less meet ups but that i won't be making the effort to make suggestions. She seemed very surprised and hadn't noticed and said she would make more effort. She left early because her boyfriend arrived back earlier than she expected. I saw the text.

Every two months I would invite her to something and she would say 'I don't know what my plans are for that weekend yet' and then never get back.

Last time we met up she really insulted me. I know she didn't mean to but she said two cocky comments which were quite out of character for her. I posted about it here and people said she was naive and rude.

She has tried to message me this week to meet up. The problem is that I don't have an income now and don't want to spend but don't want to be judged for this. I don't want her to bombard me with suggestions of great jobs that have very high salaries like hers because I find it quite patronizing.

After back and fourth and back and fourth with times we are both free Sunday afternoon.

I invited her round to help me assemble my Ikea furniture wardrobes as that was my plan for Sunday. I have asked if she could help me with something before only twice and on both occasions she was busy. I thought I could cook for her but didn't suggest that in the text. I have helped her in the past with errands and I thought if she was helping me it may help me move past the insults and see her as the kind person I know she is.

She has just texted me back saying shall we meet in the evening for a meal and drinks then.

I don't know why this has pissed me off and she turned it down because she doesn't want to help. I think it's because i give a lot to my friendships and I think in order to move forward I need to see her give. I helped her shift a really heavy table up four flights of stairs for 45m. I will help friends move, check CVs, read over applications, paint a front door and really these are the kind of friends I would like to. Was I unreasonable for her to ask me to help her in this way?

I just don't know how to respond because I don't want to burn bridges incase this is a low patch and I change my mind later. I just don't know how to respond to a friend but I am not wanting to meet up in the near future, I don't want any nastiness or to have to explain. Please tell me if i'm being unreasonable or if what text I should send.

I am tempted to say. Are you no longer free Sunday afternoon or do you not want to help with furniture. Then I know if shes prioritized someone else or doesn't want to help.

Sadly, it seems the norm for women to abandon their female friends when they have a man in tow. Then expect to be warmly welcomed back when the romantic relationship cools or ends.

Your friend sounds very selfish to me. I wouldn't bother with her any more.

Then don't?

You told her you were free and then asked her to assemble a wardrobe? She's inadvertently upset you but you haven't told her? Why?

This.

If she's dropped you the minute she has a boyfriend and not responded to texts inviting her to things then she's a rubbish friend.

However you've finally agreed to meet up but suddenly have turned it into an afternoon of building wardrobes....you also didn't tell her you would make dinner so as far as she's concerned you've only invited her over because you need something from her, rather than because you want to see her.

You clearly have a lot of resentment towards her, and it sounds like she's behaved badly. I'd just leave it for now, tell her you'll be too tired in the evening as you've got the wardrobes to build....

I think you're in the wrong here. You sound like you're testing her, which is a horrible thing to do to a friend. Friendships should be enjoyable and pleasant, not about demanding favours to test your level of commitment. I have friends who have taken a step back since getting into relationships and I just accept it as this stage of life and want the best for them.

She wants to have a fun night out with a friend and you want her to do manual labour, sounds like your both on completely different pages with this issue and your friendship in general.

I wouldn’t want to come round and assemble a wardrobe either to be fair. She is suggesting a nice meal, can you not go to that and see how it goes?

Genuine friendship doesn’t need to be subjected to tests to see whether as committed as you want them to be.

Genuine friendship can go through stages where you see little of each other and then can pick up when you do.

You seem to think that she needs to pass a test, build the furniture or she’s not really a friend. It’s petty and childish. Either you value her as a friend in which case you need to bloody communicate and stop playing childish games, or you don’t in which case you need to walk away.

Tbh if I texted to see if someone could meet up and they replied with “you can come and help me build ikea furniture” I would take that as somewhat of a snarky response and probably wouldn’t bother again.

Given the way you’re behaving here I’d be interested to know her side of why she hasn’t been in touch much. I suspect it’s not as black and white as you’re making out here.

Your reasons for being annoyed at the friendship generally are sort of valid, but you are picking the wrong hill to die on here. It’s been 2 years since you had the sort of friendship were you were really close and helping with boring things like flat pack, now it’s a less intense meet sociably every so often type of friendship. Kicking off because she won’t help with flat pack is just daft, and CF territory in my opinion. You keep saying you give so much to friendships, but you do this because you choose to, it’s on you. She doesn’t owe you the same, she just owes you what she feels she can offer you. If that’s not good enough it’s totally understandable of you to walk away. Sounds like this friendship has run its course for you so don’t stick around being bitter about it.

You sound very intense about this friendship. I think you either need to meet up with her and enjoy her company and have a nice time, or accept that the friendship is fizzling out. I don’t think testing her like this by expecting her to help you with something is very helpful.

I think you sound a bit codependent - for years your friend took it for granted that she could rock up unannounced at any time and you would cook a meal for her. Was this a mutual thing? Reciprocated?

You have rolled out the red carpet and feel aggrieved that she has trampled on it then abandoned you. Ultimately you have been meeting your own needs - but your need for close, comfortable, friendship has turned into a situation where your boundaries have been set very low and now you feel taken advantage of.

This isn't judgement by the way - I had a similar "friendship" which ended as I was just taken advantage of then abused when I started to say no.

Every doormat has "welcome" written on it.

And she is no friend. Or at best, a flakey one.

If my friend invited me over to help her build furniture then I’d probably say no to and offer to meet at another time. Not because I don’t want to help but because I’m useless and wouldn’t be any help at all.
If you two haven’t spoken for a while then maybe she just doesn’t realise that it would be too much to go out for dinner and drinks.
Do you want to keep this friendship going? It seems like yoU dont so just distance yourself.
People always change when they start a relationship, which isn’t always a bad thing. It seems like you two spent a great deal of time together so she’s not spending all her time on you now. That’s bound to be upsetting but you can’t expect her to be around as much. Why not arrange to go on a double date? If you want to remain friends then meet up as a group date and get to know her partner.

Nobody is suggesting that she has to be there at 9am with her toolbelt. If someone asked for help putting together flatpack furniture and I hadn't seen them in such a long time, I'd make an effort. If nothing else, I could go and try to interpret the assembly instructions at the least, with a glass of wine in the other hand!

Why not text:
"Let's leave it. I appreciate you have a lot going on in your life and I wish you all the best. Love x"

Then give up. You want more from her than she is willing to give. Her life has changed and you still want her to be an intense ever present partner. I'd not want to spend my Sunday evening doing flat pack.

the furniture really wasn't a test. But I really didn't feel like meeting her because I was annoyed. Buy knowing she was willing to help would have got rid of my annoyance which was what I was trying to do.

So it was a test really then because you were testing if she was willing to help.

I think I'd feel like an add on to your activity of making the furniture, I also do things as and when I can for people which means patches of lots of give them little. Expecting her to redeem herself with work is a little tit for that?
Finally, maybe she's making a big effort to see you and would rather pencil in something special?

I mean it's not the most fun thing to do.

But anyone with any sort of thinking skills would think "if I was on my own, how would I get this done?" And know that you don't have a close male (yes sexist so lets just say handy person nearby to help you.

I suppose she could offer to come over with her partner (which I would probably do as he's more practical than me) then I'd also arrange a catch up another time.

I’m sorry that you feel this way about a long standing friend. It happens to the best of us sometimes. Sometimes our lives just move on, and friendships change, and sometimes fade, or even vanish altogether. If a friend asked me for help with building some furniture, then yes, I’d be there. I’d probably make light of it, and say something along the lines of “god you must be desperate” (my diy skills are limited to say the least) followed by “I’m bringing a bottle though, whether we open it before we start, or wait until it’s finished is up to you 😂” but I’d be there. And no, I don’t think you are being a CF for asking. But some people see friendship differently to others. My advice - find your tribe, surround yourself with them. No need to cut others off, but don’t chase them.
I’d probably respond to your friend along the lines of “it’s a shame that I really need to get this furniture sorted on the weekend. Unfortunately I can’t see me getting it all done in time to go out in the evening and I suspect I’ll be exhausted by that point. Would be good to catch up at some point though, when it works for both of us”
And just leave it like that.

It sounds like your friendship has evolution and she has not made you priority.

It's been two year and I don't think things are going to change or be what they were 2 years ago. You have to accept this loss of friendship. Learn to adapt and put boundaries up.

Look for new good friends who put friendship above relationships.

Good luck

Gosh OP you're hard work! The thing about her giving you career advice you didn't ask for, that was her trying to help you. Or in your words that was her giving. Also when she did as you'd said and made the effort to contact you about meeting up, why isn't that enough for you? She's offering her time and company, but you want more? You sound high maintenance. You've also been quite manipulative. Said you were free to meet up, but you're not are you? You want to build furniture. You arranged a meet-up then tried to turn it into something else. This "test" that your friend doesn't even know is a test, it's mind games, setting people up to fail then you're cross with them when they do. It's the road to misery, behaving like that.

One other thing you need to understand in life, just because you do someone a favour it doesn't mean they owe you. You talk about people being giving, but you're not genuinely giving if you're doing it to receive. You should give favours with no expectations of payback, or don't give favours at all. On the receiving end there's nothing worse than someone offering or agreeing to do you a favour, then resenting you for accepting. I'd rather people who felt that way didn't do me favours at all. And I'm not a CF asking for favours here there and everywhere, I'm quite self sufficient most of the time.

I've dropped a friend for similar to what you've done. Hadn't known her long. Made plans to meet a week in advance. 9pm the night before we're due to meet in the morning, I get a text asking if when we meet I can help her do something I have zero knowledge of or skills in and don't even do for myself (but I suspect due to my lifestyle she thought I would have these knowledge and skills). Otherwise she'd have to cancel. I called her out on it, asked why she'd left it to the last minute. Turned out she'd decided to arrange meetups with a bunch of other people all through the week, whilst knowing we had plans, didn't ask any of them (who she'd known longer and was closer to) for help and figured it was ok to either dump this task on me or flake out on me. It wasn't. I was mightily pissed off and didn't bother meeting up again.

When people get a partner there's a lot less time to go around. Of course their partner takes priority, the relationship can't thrive otherwise. Your friend has allowed herself to be consumed by the relationship though and has possibly used you a bit when she was single. You may not have ever meant as much to her as she did to you. It might have been a friendship of convenience, she wanted company and you were always available. Which doesn't make it wrong as such, after all it's exactly what you want too, only the "convenience" part for you is the exchange of favours. You don't seem willing to be friends just because you like someone and meet up purely for the sake of seeing them.

Does she also have more friends than you? Because that means she's spreading herself across more people so everyone is going to get less time. I think if you don't meet her half way this time, when she's made the effort to do what you wanted, then you'll never hear from her again. Unless she breaks up with her partner and wants company again maybe.

If she doesn't know you're broke she's going to think you just don't want to meet up. You can't really hide that sort of thing from friends. Can't you just tell her you don't want to talk about job hunting, if she brings the subject up? It's not her judging you, it's her way of trying to help. If she's your friend she'll respect that you don't want to talk about it. TBH you sound like you resent her for having a good career when you're broke.

It seems very much like it was a test. Being honest, you didn’t want to meet her. You’re the one prolonging the friendship here, if you don’t want to meet up with her then don’t. Don’t just test her and then get annoyed when she doesn’t want tk help build your furniture. In the past you cooked and it seems a little like you looked after her. Not sure if she ever reciprocated and cooked a meal for you. It doesn’t matter though as you were happy to do it all and now seem put out that her partner is the main one in her life now. Some friendships can sadly take a back step when a relationship takes over but it’s the willingness on both sides to continue it that makes it work.
If you don’t want to see her anymore then don’t, just leave it as she isn’t forcing you into anything.

I don't feel you're being unreasonable, you can't really afford to go to Harrods right now, so you low-key asked her to do something WITH you where you're at right now.

She didn't need to assemble your furniture, just be there, as you can't afford meals and drinks.

However, perhaps not fair if she doesn't know this bit, and then resentment builds up. She may not be a bad person, but perhaps a friend you don't need to hide things from might help you feel more like yourself.

If she would shame you for your situation, probably not for you atm