Is this a normal way to split money?

[wakkasakka]

I am a SAHM, my youngest is in nursery for the mornings. DP works.

The mortgage and bills are paid, food and petrol etc allocated for.

We then split the remaining money like this

-money for kids activities
-money for savings

Then what's left we split between us. This ends up being £300 each.

I think this is normal and how most families operate. (Meaning the SAHP isn't left with nothing for themselves)

My DP seems to think I am really lucky and should be eternally grateful 🙄

This is pretty much the outcome of how we do it - which is everything into one pot, shared bank account.

I know others don’t - but if one of you is SAHM, exactly how are you supposed to have any money if it isn’t shared? Seems more equable and “all in it together” than allowances.

I would add that sharing it all in one pot works best if both people have similar spending habits or if there’s plenty to go round. If one person is spending a lot more than the other on themselves then a split pot like yours makes more sense.

That’s how it should be - both people should have equal disposable income (and leisure time). Are you contributing I to a pension for you? You give up a lot when you become a SAHM, your DH should be weeping with gratitude, not begrudging you

@HermioneWeasley if I were you I would get back to work. I can imagine your DH not being prepared to compensate for you being a SAHM

Is he eternally grateful for you caring for his children?! I wouldn’t say you were lucky as it’s only fair. I’m guessing he doesn’t know the cost of nannies, night nannies, PA’s, cleaners etc!

@HermioneWeasley completely agree!

I don't have a pension, I will look into this, thank you for that.

He is a much bigger spender than me and would use up the money after a few days if it was all in one pot.

@EL8888 if only he knew.. ignorance is bliss right

It's normal but personally I would be looking to go back to work ASAP.

It should be normal but I fear it is unusual.
I'm assuming you do the bulk of the domestic labour. IF your DH is seriously giving you grief over this, try looking at the cost of full time child care and ask if he is prepared to do 50% of cooking, cleaning and house admin plus out of hours childcare? Because it's your domestic labour that allows him to work FT.
As others have said you should also be paying into a pension (as he will be) and make sure CB is in your name as this will affect how many years contribution you need for state pension.

Of course that’s a reasonable way to do it! Equal disposable money should always be the end result. I can’t say we’re that exact with it, we’re more the camp of buy/do what you want but discuss the big stuff but the sentiment is the same. Is your DH an ungrateful unappreciative arse about everything or just money?

That's a fair way to do it unless he has incidental costs from going to work. I know I spend next to nothing on my days at home with my child but seem to bleed money on days in the office.

Yep! All in one pot, outgoings go out, divide remainder in half.

He has an additional £500 per month for travel to work but works from home most days. So he is much better off than me.

I understand poster saying I should go back to work, but I enjoy being home with my children and feel that it is beneficial to them. I am not a high earner so it would be detrimental financially for me to go back to work by the time we paid for childcare.

I don't know how reasonable it is for a parent not to work and their kid be at nursery. What are you bringing to the table?

He has an additional £500 per month for travel to work but works from home most days. So he is much better off than me.

He’s a bastard.

I think you are lucky to have that much just to spend on yourself, but not that he is giving it to you iyswim.

If he doesn't use the £500 for travel could he save that each month, as you don't mention savings anywhere. That would be £6K saved - in a joint savings account.

I don't work, my husband does. His salary goes into our joint current account and savings into my account ( was to save on tax, but given current interest rates, not necessary anymore). We discuss larger spending such as holidays and improvements in the house etc and we both spend what we need to spend. It is a fairly simple system and given we are both reasonable adults, we know our income and outgoings so both have a good idea what is available to spend.

It depends what you do with your mornings. If you spend it doing household stuff so there is less for him to do overall, then fair enough. If you spend it relaxing then yes it does seem a bit unfair as he is actively "working" nearly twice as many hours as you, for the same "pay". Will you still be a SAHM when they are in school full time? I think it would be hard justifying getting the same amount of spending money then.

So it’s not really like the initial post? He gets 800 and you get 300?

Bit harsh to call him a bastard?

How old are your children are they all at home 24/7

It doesn't matter what the arrangement is or whether it's a common one. The fact he expects you to be grateful is horrible and a huge red flag for financial abuse/coercive control.

Relationships aren't about one person being generous and the other being grateful. That's not balanced. He sees himself as more important than you on some level.

Equal personal spending money after all bills, childcare, family activities and savings are accounted for is not something you should have to be ‘grateful’ for or consider yourself ‘lucky’.

I mean, it would be ‘unlucky’ to be in a financially abusive relationship but I wouldn’t describe it that way either.

Equal spending money is fair and should be normal to everyone. If he thinks otherwise he needs to examine his attitude and prejudice.

Yes fair. However you say DP not DH and he seems to think he’s doing you a favour, so really you need to make plans to return to work. I would suggest once your dc starts school - and childcare becomes a joint expense, not just yours and drop offs /pick ups become a joint responsibility, not just yours.

ive read too many threads on here from woman who’s dp didn’t value their contribution of free labour enabling their careers to flourish, who don’t see why they should share their savings, their property, or their pension when they decide to end the relationship.

You'd only be worse off in the short-term.

In the long run, you'll be paying into a pension, working towards promotions and protecting yourself in the event of a split.

You're not married so you've made yourself incredibly vulnerable by choosing to stay at home.

My kids are adult now, but I was at home while they were little. My ex would graciously hand me just about enough for bus fares and toddler groups and that was it. Everything bills and food was paid, but I had absolutely no personal money. This was the early 2000s just as internet selling was becoming a thing, so I started ebaying. Then I divorced the twat, but kept the eBay and now, 20 years on, it's my full time job. Your way sounds much fairer.