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Original poster

Is this a normal way to split money?

72 replies

wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 17:41

I am a SAHM, my youngest is in nursery for the mornings. DP works.

The mortgage and bills are paid, food and petrol etc allocated for.

We then split the remaining money like this

-money for kids activities
-money for savings

Then what's left we split between us. This ends up being £300 each.

I think this is normal and how most families operate. (Meaning the SAHP isn't left with nothing for themselves)

My DP seems to think I am really lucky and should be eternally grateful 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 18:17

Yes he is a bastard. Barely actually does any work, spends most time "working from home" asleep or watching tv.

The mornings my DS is in nursery I have 2 and - half hours. I food shop, clean, tidy, wash, admin. No leisure time.

He does absolutely 0 in terms of childcare and household duties.

Not even weekends.

My other child is 6.

(Poster saying I didn't mention savings, I did in original post)

I will be happy to go back to work when both children are full time in school. In school hours so I am available to do drop off and pick up.

OP posts:
Original poster
wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 18:20

Post has diverted a bit.

It was more to understand if this way of splitting things is the norm.

OP posts:
HoHoHowMuch · 10/01/2023 18:23

Who's name are the savings in? If they aren't joint or half in each name then they are not your savings. You aren't married, so have no claim to the pension he is building up, or any property or assets. Meanwhile you aren't working, so no pension or access to any workplace benefits such as discounts, share schemes, health provision. Now he thinks that £300 a month is top much for you as well. You are screwing yourself over financially here!

Interested in this thread?

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Families
UsuallySuze · 10/01/2023 18:24

We have each not worked at various times. Everything just goes in the joint account- we don’t haven’t separate allowances.

Your method seemed ok until you mentioned he has an extra £500 and that you think he’s a bastard.

UsuallySuze · 10/01/2023 18:26

Are you married? Whose name is the house in? Savings? Do you have your own pension and are you paying into it?

Original poster
wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 18:26

@HoHoHowMuch
I agree with you completely.

The savings are in my account.
It is a joint mortgage.

I know I have no claim on his pension. I am absolutely going to look into getting mine set up!

Thank you for the reply

OP posts:
Original poster
wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 18:27

@UsuallySuze I wanted a balanced view but I couldn't help myself 🤣

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 10/01/2023 18:28

It is common, if you need that perspective, yes. It's not an amazingly generous thing that he's doing.

Another common approach (the one that works for DH and I) everything is totally pooled and we don't really count what we spend individually. He probably does spend a bit more than I do on private stuff but it's nothing huge and he would be totally fine if I matched his personal spending or exceeded it, as long as we could afford it. I haven't worked for over 4 years now.

But I stand by what I said before, even if he was giving you a million a week, if he is expecting you to be grateful then he does not see you as his equal. He sees you as beneath him.

RandomPerson42 · 10/01/2023 18:28

His travel to work costs should come out as per the other bills not be a £500 given to him. This could mean you getting £500 a month not £300 a month if he only actually needs £100 for travel costs.

RunningFromInsanity · 10/01/2023 18:29

wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 18:17

Yes he is a bastard. Barely actually does any work, spends most time "working from home" asleep or watching tv.

The mornings my DS is in nursery I have 2 and - half hours. I food shop, clean, tidy, wash, admin. No leisure time.

He does absolutely 0 in terms of childcare and household duties.

Not even weekends.

My other child is 6.

(Poster saying I didn't mention savings, I did in original post)

I will be happy to go back to work when both children are full time in school. In school hours so I am available to do drop off and pick up.

If he is essentially paying you to be at home for those 2.5hours a day (which is fair) then I wouldn’t expect you to count it as ‘leisure time’ and I would expect you to be able to do all the housework in that time.

And it’s irrelevant how he spends his working hours, if he spends it asleep or watching tv, aslong as he is bringing in the money that is funding the household.

However you should both get equal leisure time outside of working hours, so he should look after the children at some point at the weekend or evening, so you can have some peace/time for your hobby, and vice versa.

ICanHideButICantRun · 10/01/2023 18:29

You're not married?

Original poster
wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 18:30

No not married, although he would like too

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/01/2023 18:32

wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 18:30

No not married, although he would like too

In your very financially vulnerable position, I would take him up on it.

StillWeRise · 10/01/2023 18:38

yes, unless he is not on the childrens BC I would marry him, for yours and the DScs financial protection.
query the travel costs, the actual cost is a reasonable expense and should come out of the same pot as shopping, utilities etc. Unless this is the cost of running a care which you have equal access to.
If his employer pays him to sleep and watch TV that's their lookout but I would be expecting him to pull his weight with any night time wakes etc if this is the case.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/01/2023 18:40

Who owns the house?

Original poster
wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 18:41

@Aquamarine1029 joint mortgage. I put the deposit down.

OP posts:
ArtyZiff · 10/01/2023 18:55

This would be fair ONLY if you would be able to earn as much as he earns should you rejoin the workforce

HarryArry · 10/01/2023 18:58

Why don’t you have a claim on his pension?

HarryArry · 10/01/2023 18:59

Sorry just noticed you are not married.
Deffo MTB (marry the b……).

Original poster
wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 19:01

HarryArry · 10/01/2023 18:59

Sorry just noticed you are not married.
Deffo MTB (marry the b……).

🤣🤣

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 10/01/2023 19:05

wakkasakka · 10/01/2023 17:58

He has an additional £500 per month for travel to work but works from home most days. So he is much better off than me.

I understand poster saying I should go back to work, but I enjoy being home with my children and feel that it is beneficial to them. I am not a high earner so it would be detrimental financially for me to go back to work by the time we paid for childcare.

So you want your cake and to eat it? YABU, get a job and start contributing .

HarryArry · 10/01/2023 19:12

So you want your cake and to eat it? YABU, get a job and start contributing
She is contributing, we need to recognise that all contributions to a household are not financial.

LuckeyBuoy · 10/01/2023 19:13

Yes he is a bastard. Barely actually does any work, spends most time "working from home" asleep or watching tv

Your problem is not to do with how you split the spare money.

LuckeyBuoy · 10/01/2023 19:15

Aquamarine1029 · 10/01/2023 18:32

In your very financially vulnerable position, I would take him up on it.

Show quote history

You're mad if you don't.

Beancounter1 · 10/01/2023 19:25

If you do get married, he will have a claim on half the house, despite the fact that you put the deposit in.
You would need to discuss if the deposit should be a joint asset, or if you want to see a solicitor to get the value of it protected in your name only.

Meanwhile, do a bit of research on local childcare costs, then present him with the findings - 'you would be liable for half these costs, or proportionally more if you were earning more than me, so you should be grateful I am staying home and saving you all this money'.
Seriously do this - he needs a reality check.

Alternatively, if you conclude he is lazy, selfish, and entitled, and there is no hope for him to change (people don't usually change their basic personality), then consider going in the opposite direction and plan to split up now instead of getting in deeper with marriage.