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Original poster

Are your DC having a better childhood than you did?

73 replies

TheKitchenWitch · 09/01/2023 12:14

I've been thinking a lot about this recently. This time of year makes me think of my parents, both of whom passed away a few years ago. I had a lovely childhood, and I often think back and admire the way my parents did things or handled various situations.

I try my best, but I don't think I'm as good a parent as they were - I'm too worried, I think too much, I'm too controlling. Some of this is because we live in a very different world today than we did in 70s suburban england, and I am reacting to what I think are modern pressures and "dangers". But some of it is just me (and obvs DH, but this is more about my perspective. DH had a bit of a crap childhood so I think from his view our DC have a much better one iyswim).

My children are primary and high-school aged. They are not having the childhood I had, at all. They will look back and yes, there will be lots of lovely things and they know we love them more than anything, but they are not carefree and when I think back to my childhood, that is the overriding memory from that time - I was utterly carefree.
(Also do realise that there is going to be a certain amount of rose-tinted-spectacles going on here)

Anyway, all these musings made me wonder what others felt about it all.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 09/01/2023 12:16

Mine are in their 20s but had a better childhood.

AHelpfulHand · 09/01/2023 12:17

Yes, my children’s childhoods are a million miles away from mine.

they cannot believe some of the things I tell them about my childhood.

you never parent your children the same as you were parented, you always try to give them things and opportunities that you never had.

oudie · 09/01/2023 12:18

Absolutely. My childhood left me with complex PTSD. I don't think it does you well to compare yourself to anyone though OP, parenting in different times is massively different.

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Families
Chowtime · 09/01/2023 12:22

mine are in their 20's and had a better childhood. However they are now having children of their own and I don't think those children will have a better childhood than their parents due to the cost of living crisis.

ClaudiusTheGod · 09/01/2023 12:23

No. Their childhood was marred by the addiction of their other parent. I can’t go back and fix that.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 09/01/2023 12:24

My childhood was rubbish in many ways, so yes my kids are having a better time in all ways actually. Thank goodness.
I had quite a lot of physical freedom (safe to play out) which was a big plus but I had no friends too play with. Until we got the family dog who became my best pal life was grim.
I have taken what I valued from my childhood and given it to my kids (including somewhere safe to play out) but they aren't having to cope with the bad stuff (emotional neglect, poverty, gas lighting).
The bad stuff from my childhood was useful as I am pretty firm about what life in creating for them. Some of my success has been good luck, some has been deliberate sheer hard work and life lessons hard learnt.

user8912 · 09/01/2023 12:26

Hmm yes I can see what you mean, l "control" my kids' way more than my parents did. I'm more involved in getting them to do homework, stricter with outside freedoms that kind of thing. But on the whole, my kids have it better I think. I think being more hands on means they are getting more support in their education which will hopefully mean better outcomes for them later one.

But more generally as well DH and I are much more financially secure than our parents and we are also happily married whereas ours both divorced (and were pretty miserable prior to that) I've no doubt there will be things about their childhoods they will choose differently for their own kids as we all do, but I really think our happy marriage is a huge asset to a happy childhood.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/01/2023 12:26

No, I had an excellent childhood running amok on a brand new housing estate in Dublin with swarms of other free range children in the 1980s. Most of the stuff we did would never be allowed now, and perhaps rightly, but we had so much more freedom. I wouldn't say it was totally carefree, because there were certain dogs and kids (from certain families) that were genuinely dangerous, and we were always aware of that. But we had a lot of fun and great memories.

I don't know any child who has that now, because with both parents working and everyone more careful, life is just very different. I don't know how to find a better balance though.

Getinajollymood · 09/01/2023 12:29

In my personal opinion carefree is overrated and I far prefer the safety of todays children compared to the children run over and abused and so on from my own childhood but I have a slightly skewed view!

Lentilweaver · 09/01/2023 12:32

Far, far better. Though I am not sure they appreciate it..Not because my parents were bad but because my parents had several societal and cultural constraints. Which I have broken.

Lentilweaver · 09/01/2023 12:32

Also I am more well off than my parents or DH's parents. His were very poor.

Ifailed · 09/01/2023 12:33

I grew up with a violent mother who had a string of affairs, whilst living under the real threat of nuclear war, so yes my kids had a far better childhood (though the IRA where still detonating bombs at the time).

Frankensteinisamonster · 09/01/2023 12:34

Yes mine was shit and abusive, I learned from their mistakes.

upfucked · 09/01/2023 12:35

Yes and no. Most more opportunities and better parenting. But shielding during covid has been a large negative.

AliceMcK · 09/01/2023 12:36

God I hope so!

They are loved, not resented, put down, slapped, emotionally abused ignored or neglected. Hopefully they will never be made homeless. They will never be told they are not worthy and amount to noting. And most importantly I hope they are never ever scared of me.

They have a full life of activities they love, go on holidays I tell them everyday how much I love them and how amazing they are. DH & I both take an interest and care about their education and emotional well being and encourage them to be the best they can be. We don’t favour one above the others. We talk to them and respect them as individuals. We are not rich but we try to give them things they want, make sure they don’t miss out on experiences with their friends.

Janieread · 09/01/2023 12:36

Yes
A million percent better.

Circumferences · 09/01/2023 12:37

It's impossible to compare.

I had a lot of foreign holidays, went to Italy aged 4, America aged 5, Europe, etc etc. I went to a good school, had a lovely childhood with lots of friends in an idyllic part of the UK. My dad owned his own business (now retired) and recently sold our house where I grew up for over £1m to downsize for his old age. You get the picture...

Unfortunately though, I was sexually abused throughout primary school (my parents don't know, mum is passed now anyway) I live with a whole host of mental health problems because of that.

I have one child aged 8 who has never been abroad and has to put up with a mum who can't earn money and a dad who is on the spectrum.

We're a happy and loving family, we try and make things lovely, but neither of us can provide in the way our parents could so although my son isn't being abused thankfully, his childhood isn't as materially advantaged as mine was and I'm not sure I'm a good parent at all.

Ncgirlseriously · 09/01/2023 12:38

Yes, but that’s not difficult. There are several things I want to do differently than my parents. My son is only three, so I’m aware that I could make mistakes in the future, but I’d never treat my son the way I was treated.
One of my big things I will never say is that I didn’t want to or shouldn’t have had kids, nor lament the things I “gave up” to have him. He didn’t ask me to have him, that was my choice and my responsibility.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 09/01/2023 12:43

No I don't think so, I grew up in a happy middle class family home. Never had to worry about money, nice house, caring parents, good holidays etc. my mum was a stay at home mum until I was nearly 10 and I had two siblings.

My dd has grown up in a single parent home and is an only child, shes watched me struggle for money, we lived in a council flat until she was 10.

She's not had a bad childhood, she's well loved and has been given lots of opportunities but I don't think it was as care free as mine was.

PollyEsther · 09/01/2023 12:43

Oh 100%! They don't have a DM who is simultaneously controlling and disinterested. They have a parent turn up to any and every school event: assemblies, nativities etc. I don't remember anyone ever coming to a single one of mine. All the other mums did though, so then it was just me, alone, or hanging on to another kid's family at the end.

I was a sad, miserable, lonely only child. Who was repeatedly told to get over it because at least I was fed and clothed, like that isn't the bare minimum. I've been told in adulthood that both parents working full time was necessary, bu DF earned £25ph in the 90s, and there was ample cash for fags and booze, so I suspect differing priotities. I remember seeing DF hit DM, raging arguments where I hid on the phone to childline, being smacked, there not being a sober person available to drive me to hospital when I broke a wrist (it took 3 days to take me because I was just 'being dramatic...' I tend not to inflict any of those things on my children.

So, yes. My children have a much, much better childhood.

FriedEggChocolate · 09/01/2023 12:44

Yes, theirs is better. DH and I are still together. Both of us had rough unsettled childhoods, our DC have had nothing like that. Our money doesn't go as far as my mum's did in the 80s - they could afford 2 new cars over my childhood, with some second hand ones as well. We'll never be able to afford that. I remember getting home in the evening, on the days I saw my dad, and feeling the heat as I opened the front door. Our heating is on 14 degrees right now. We just can't stretch our budget as far. It sucks that they have to wear 2 cardigans or sit under blankets to keep warm. That's more the life my grandmother grew up with.

speakout · 09/01/2023 12:45

My kids have had a much better childhood than me.
I have CPTSD due to childhood trauma.

yellowhedges · 09/01/2023 12:47

Definitely, yes

minipie · 09/01/2023 12:47

Interesting question. My DC’s life looks quite similar to my own childhood in lots of ways, fairly privileged in most ways.

The big difference I see is that everyone now is so BUSY all the time. Kids do multiple activities every week. Lots of kid focused things at weekends. Adults do regular exercise, have hobbies, social life all weekend. Things booked months in advance. I don’t remember any of that as a child. Brownies and the playground and that was it. Weekends were for supermarket shop, garden and DIY. Think we spent much more time on imaginative play as a result. And more time being bored.

The other big difference is that DC now are much more aware of global issues which can cause quite grown up worries (for some, depending on personality). And social media - my DC haven’t hit it yet but I think it can cause a lot of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy in teens.

Overall I think my DC’s life is more fun, but probably also more exhausting, more anxious, and with less room for finding your own path.

HappyNewYear2023 · 09/01/2023 12:48

I had a great childhood. I think my eldest had a harder time as I was a teen mum and we both lived through poverty. Though I wouldn't say it was worse than my upbringing - I just feel guilty about it. My youngest had a similar up bringing to me.

We all grew up knowing we were loved and valued.