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Original poster

TW . My daughter has been assaulted

58 replies

ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:00

I can’t believe I am writing this.

NYE my DD was in a night club and raped. I know the details but don’t want to post .

WTF do I do ? We have police / SS etc and she has been referred to everywhere but nothing seems to have actually happened .

her sister is trying to help .

so what do I actually do right now ? I feel I inadequate and lost . The police keep ringing me about swabs but she is refusing . How can I change that ?

she has close older sister but she just shuts down when I mention it . I have only asked her 1 x per day as I don’t want to pressure her right now

OP posts:
AutumnIsMyFavouriteSeason · 03/01/2023 23:04

So sorry to hear this. Sounds traumatic. How old is your DD?

Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:10

She is 17. Her birthday is soon so almost 18

OP posts:
AutumnIsMyFavouriteSeason · 03/01/2023 23:11

That's really young. Is her sister encouraging her to complete the tests/swab?

dolor · 03/01/2023 23:14

Don't pressure he into swabs or anything at all, yes the evidence is important, but she won't want anyone touching her at all right now even medical staff. She needs to do that of her own accord.

Have you contacted the club for CCTV footage etc?

Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:16

Yes she is . But any suggestion oF it makes her shut down, I have asked police if they can get a professional to talk to her.

am awaiting their response

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 03/01/2023 23:16

I am raging for your daughter and for you, what an awful ordeal. I don't have any practical advice, sorry (except even when you can't eat anything, you can try jelly) - but sending love and strength.

Muddledbutwellmeaning · 03/01/2023 23:17

I am so sorry @ThePostIneverwanted. You are right not to post any details here. This is something we all live in dread of.
Your poor daughter.
I mainly just wanted to tell you how sorry I am - I’m not sure I can add anything useful other than Do the police not have specially trained officers to help her?

watchfulwishes · 03/01/2023 23:17

Encourage her to speak to a professional or charity support person with experience - anonymous calls/texts from a throwaway number might help her, buy a cheap SIM.

Tell her you support her whatever she chooses - and mean it.

Care for her physically and emotionally.

So sorry this has been done to her.

watchfulwishes · 03/01/2023 23:18

ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:16

Yes she is . But any suggestion oF it makes her shut down, I have asked police if they can get a professional to talk to her.

am awaiting their response

Don't wait for the police, call rape action or similar for advice.

Also get support for you too.

Toooldtoworry · 03/01/2023 23:20

I was 15 when I was raped. I didn't tell anyone for a couple of months. I didn't want anyone touching me or asking me questions.

My Mum made me go to the gynaecology department and get checked for HIV and STIs. The worst bit was waiting for the test results.

In all honesty the best thing to do is tell her you'll support her in whatever way she needs you to and take her lead (but she does need STI checks).

I feel for her 💐

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/01/2023 23:23

Don’t try and pressure her into swabs. It’s well meaning, but she’s been violated and had her consent for her body ignored once already. She is in charge of her body now and no-one should be pressuring her into anything. She must be given her autonomy back.

JanglyBeads · 03/01/2023 23:23

I'm so sorry for her.

If you look on rape/sexual assault charities' websites there's loads of info about what to do / how she may be feeling /how to get her the right help / how to talk about it.

Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:23

She has been referred to GUM and we went and got morning after pill.

I just feel heart broken she is going through this at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:26

So I am a victim of domestic abuse and went to court so I know how this feels.

I was never raped and my abuse was different and quite a few years ago so I am very unwilling to pressure her right now

OP posts:
Pootle22 · 03/01/2023 23:33

So sorry this has happened. You're right not to pressure her but now is probably the time to stop mentioning swabs etc altogether. She knows they need doing, she will if she can. Are the items she needs in the bathroom so she can do it if she gets the urge?

Assume the police took her clothes so fair chance there's evidence on there anyway.

Call a rape helpline and ask if she wants to speak to them. She might be too embarrassed to speak to family. If not make sure she has their number.

Just be there for her, it's good she has a sister. And keep her off social media, I can't believe how some people can behave, they have no souls but you don't want her to see anything negative.

💐

dolor · 03/01/2023 23:48

Poor little spoon. She must be absolutely terrified in every conceivable way.

Will she let you hold her at all?

caravanbuckie · 03/01/2023 23:56

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/01/2023 23:23

Don’t try and pressure her into swabs. It’s well meaning, but she’s been violated and had her consent for her body ignored once already. She is in charge of her body now and no-one should be pressuring her into anything. She must be given her autonomy back.

This. As difficult as it is for you, this is really important for her.

Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:59

I am trying to make her feel secure and loved and not pressuring her

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 04/01/2023 00:01

@dolor we have had cuddles but we need more .

I find it hard it not break down and I know she does not need to deal with my emotions

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 04/01/2023 01:11

Poor girl. I hope they catch this bloody animal. The main thing is she knows people are there if she needs them, speaking to rape crisis might help her if she wants to.

Fraaahnces · 04/01/2023 01:14

Poor girl. I was 14 and did virtually the same. Did you keep her undies and clothes? Maybe take her to a conic for STI checks. Feel so bad for her. Thank god she has you and her sister. My family wasn’t so understanding.

Thistlelass · 04/01/2023 01:18

How awful. I am so sorry. Yes hopefully you have her undies bagged up or maybe police already have. Possibly the possibility of her examination and other evidence finding this man and convicting may encourage the next step.

Summer2424 · 04/01/2023 01:21

@ThePostIneverwanted i am so sorry you're going through this, sending love and strength to you and your DD 😔
Sorry i have no advice, a cuddle from my Mum is all i would want right now, give your DD time 🙏 x

inappropriateraspberry · 04/01/2023 01:49

Your poor girl. I think the best thing you can do is make sure she knows you're there for her, but allow her the space she needs to process.
Be proud that she was able to tell you, and agree with PPs that speaking to a charity will help you to help her.

Spaghetti201 · 04/01/2023 01:55

That is absolutely awful, I’m so sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. It sounds terrible and I kind of don’t want to say it, but the conviction rate for rapes is atrocious, it’s less than 5%. The invasion of swabs may do more damage than help (I.e it is probably a waste of time). The law needs sorting.