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Original poster

TW . My daughter has been assaulted

58 replies

ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:00

I can’t believe I am writing this.

NYE my DD was in a night club and raped. I know the details but don’t want to post .

WTF do I do ? We have police / SS etc and she has been referred to everywhere but nothing seems to have actually happened .

her sister is trying to help .

so what do I actually do right now ? I feel I inadequate and lost . The police keep ringing me about swabs but she is refusing . How can I change that ?

she has close older sister but she just shuts down when I mention it . I have only asked her 1 x per day as I don’t want to pressure her right now

OP posts:
cakebaby · 04/01/2023 03:03

She may be able to self swab if she feels able. Might be worth asking if there is a kit available. Has she consented to her clothing being taken? So sorry this has happened.

Nat6999 · 04/01/2023 03:18

Speak to Rape Crisis, it is her decision if she goes for swabs, have you got the clothing she wore & underwear? They may be able to get DNA from those. Have the police got the CCTV from the club she was in?

I was raped by my exh when we were still married, I didn't tell anyone for nearly a month after, I was in shock. Try to get her some counselling, I was offered some from the SARC but found it was better having someone independent as the SARC one did her sessions in the room I did my interview in

pearlearringgirl · 04/01/2023 05:06

Sorry she has gone through this. I hope they catch the monster.

Self swabs might be an option?

Also don’t want to add to your worry but morning after pills are not 100% effective. They won’t work if she is already ovulating so encourage her to do a pregnancy test in a couple of weeks time just to make sure.

Autumnisclose · 04/01/2023 06:53

The police should be able to examine her clothing/underwear. Have they taken it?

itsgettingweird · 04/01/2023 07:10

ThePostIneverwanted · 03/01/2023 23:16

Yes she is . But any suggestion oF it makes her shut down, I have asked police if they can get a professional to talk to her.

am awaiting their response

She should have had a specialist officer speaking to her from the beginning.

Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 04/01/2023 09:42

She has gone to school today. She drove there with her dad ( she is learning to drive ) so am hoping she manages the day and some routine will be good for her .

the police have sent me details of the SARC but they will only see her if she agrees to the examination etc. I have asked them re counselling and they just gave me the sarc phone no. So going round in circles.
her school are referring for counselling too and will talk to her today .

I feel useless and can’t believe someone did this to her.

OP posts:
Wdib78 · 04/01/2023 09:49

Does she know what is involved in a swab? If she doesn't she may be scared that it will be more invasive than she thinks.
I've had to do them several times for ivf to check for stds, it's literally a really thin stick not that dissimilar from a covid test.
For ivf you go to the toilet and do it yourself, is there a possibility she would be able to do it herself? If you explain to police, or maybe have the nurse in the room while she does it herself. I understand that police may not allow it tho incase of planting evidence iykwim ( not that I'm saying she would).

Bepis · 04/01/2023 09:53

@ThePostIneverwanted I don't have any advice as I have never been through this but I have a 16 year old daughter and I can't even imagine what you are going through. Sending hugs your way and you sound like an amazing and loving mum.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/01/2023 10:29

Speak to Rape Crisis. Support shouldn’t be dependent on giving swabs.

Stickytoff · 04/01/2023 10:37

God I’m so sorry that is horrendous @ThePostIneverwanted. I appreciate at the moment getting the evidence seems like the most important thing but the reality is that most rape cases go nowhere even if there is overwhelming evidence they are difficult to secure a conviction.

I think you have to follow your daughter’s lead. The whole thing is just awful and so traumatic for you all but it sounds like she has great parental support and that will make all the difference for her getting though this.

Fireflygal · 04/01/2023 10:37

I'm so sorry, it made me emotional reading this. No real advice...my dc was a victim of a physical attack. I think shock takes time to leave and then the processing happens. It will take time to recover.

In their case cctv and knowledge of the offender seemed to motivate the police to prosecute. It shouldn't be the case but that seemed to be driver for their proactiveness.

LadySweetPea · 04/01/2023 10:48

As someone who has been through this at 16, I would encourage you to keep supporting your daughter quietly, to respect her decisions and confidence ie. don't share her news widely.

The main thing about rape is that it is about power and control, so that is what she needs most now. The worst thing is to be further pressured and coerced into doing things she is uncomfortable doing ie. police report, rape kit, blah blah.

Someone with a close, loving family can recover well within the family environment.

People get really carried away with the whole legal stuff but it does very little for the victim, in fact in many cases it further traumatises them.

It is great that her sister is supportive but again I wouldn't pressure the sister, it is a lot to shoulder.

It's terribly sad and distressing for you all, and I think really you just need time to come to terms with the fact that it has happened. You are allowed to have any feelings that come your way, and you would be wise to seek professional support for yourself.

Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 04/01/2023 12:21

Thank you all.

I can get counselling through my husbands work so will look into it .

I don’t know how I feel right now just heartbroken that this has happened to her .

OP posts:
WhatHaveIFound · 04/01/2023 12:29

I'm so sorry for your daughter but counselling absolutely shouldn't be dependent on swabs. You just have to be there for her and hopefully she'll open up to you eventually. It must be upsetting for all of you.

My own DD was sexually assaulted last Feb and the police were useless. Said it was her word against his and that charges wouldn't be brought. She was referred for counselling by her university and although there was quite a wait she's finding it very helpful.

Worldgonecrazy · 04/01/2023 12:31

So sorry your daughter is dealing with this. Unfortunately it is highly likely that it won’t get to court and trying to pursue that avenue may increase your daughters trauma with no actual resolution. It’s a sad indictment of the way society views women and rape that we are in a situation where the best long term outcome for your daughter is good counselling and support, rather than trying to get the evil man that carrried out the attack put in prison where he belongs. It’s every woman and mother’s nightmare. Wishing you and your daughter strength to get through this.

SandraDeee · 04/01/2023 12:35

ThePostIneverwanted · 04/01/2023 12:21

Thank you all.

I can get counselling through my husbands work so will look into it .

I don’t know how I feel right now just heartbroken that this has happened to her .

Google ISVAs in your area, you should be able to complete a referral online which is independent to any criminal investigation.

Is your daughter aware that swabs can be taken without her feeling like she has to go ahead with the police investigation? If she knows that they can be taken and preserved for a later point when she feels more able to consider her options that might take some of the pressure off her?

Officers would normally go to the SARC with her if arranged through the police, but again if you contact the SARC directly yourself then you can make arrangements for her to attend with your support purely for the gathering of evidence and nothing more at this stage.

Felix125 · 04/01/2023 12:40

From a police point of view it should have been crimed and an investigation started. So CCTV, scene analysis, witnesses etc etc should all be being done.

They will need her account/statement too - or at least offered an opportunity to provide one. This should be done via a video interview (ABE)

She is under no obligation to provide any swabs etc. Obviously it would be better for the prosecution case & evidence gathering if she does - but it will be her choice. She has 7-9 days to remain in the 'forensic window' but can not self-swab. This will need to be be done by a medical forensic professional.

The SARC will also be the best people to speak to for support agencies and counselling.

Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 04/01/2023 13:30

Yes they said they are investigating even if she won’t co operate . They are looking at cctv etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 04/01/2023 13:33

The police did say the evidence can be kept for a certain amount of years etc but think it has all been such a blur it is hard to retain all the information.

the school have been very helpful today and referred for immediate counselling then specialist counselling when she ready and if she wants it . She hasn’t asked to be picked up so I am feeling happy she must be ok at school today . She has eaten lunch at school so I am relieved about that .

OP posts:
bythebanksof · 08/01/2023 17:09

My heart goes out to your daughter, you and family.

Hopefully your daughter gets all the support she needs, and based on your posts she is very luck to have someone like you in her corner. You mention about the possibility of get counseling for yourself and your DH, I'd strongly recommend it. Read a little about "secondary survivor". I don't like the term, but I'm not aware of a better one. Please don't expect or hope for any quick solutions or turnarounds. (working in this area, legal side) it's typically a long and difficult journey. Wishing you all the best.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 08/01/2023 17:15

LadySweetPea · 04/01/2023 10:48

As someone who has been through this at 16, I would encourage you to keep supporting your daughter quietly, to respect her decisions and confidence ie. don't share her news widely.

The main thing about rape is that it is about power and control, so that is what she needs most now. The worst thing is to be further pressured and coerced into doing things she is uncomfortable doing ie. police report, rape kit, blah blah.

Someone with a close, loving family can recover well within the family environment.

People get really carried away with the whole legal stuff but it does very little for the victim, in fact in many cases it further traumatises them.

It is great that her sister is supportive but again I wouldn't pressure the sister, it is a lot to shoulder.

It's terribly sad and distressing for you all, and I think really you just need time to come to terms with the fact that it has happened. You are allowed to have any feelings that come your way, and you would be wise to seek professional support for yourself.

As someone who also experienced this at that age, I agree with the above.

I did have the police medical exam, and that wasn't particularly invasive. The examiner was female, and very caring - is this aspect what your daughter is worried about?

The invasive bit was everything else - the statements, collecting other evidence, cross examination at trial etc. It's a horrific process for victims to have to go through, and your daughter has the right to choose whether she wants to proceed. Even with physical evidence, the vast, vast majority of rape cases do not result in a conviction unfortunately. It's shit and unfair. 💐

Bard6817 · 08/01/2023 17:15

Just be her mum.

She needs to retain control of this situation, because that’s what was taken away. Whatever her choices, be her mum first and support her.

Fraaahnces · 09/01/2023 23:50

In Aus our legal system is based on yours. It’s a little different, but not much. We have had two very high-profile cases of rapes of female staff members in Parliament House and the results were predictably bad. Because I have been thinking about this and my own experience of rape at 14, I am not sure what I would counsel my daughters. I would support their choices, but would understand if they didn’t want to go through the process and risk feeling like they had been left bare again over and over again.

Here is a link about one of the most recent rape in parliament victims.Link

Original poster
ThePostIneverwanted · 10/01/2023 06:16

So she didn’t do the forensic tests and the deadline has now passed.

She is getting support from school and counselling through dh work and seems to be throwing herself into school to keep busy.

thank you for the replies on here it does really help. I am just trying to be there for her .

OP posts:
Muddledbutwellmeaning · 10/01/2023 11:12

I truly hope she overcomes this and is okay @ThePostIneverwanted. As people have said, make sure you get help too.

💐