Advice for destination wedding

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Hi all,

Sorry this might be long as I need to get in all the detail!

I rarely post on here and I'm a bit nervous as I know Mumsnet is very anti destination wedding AND anti childfree wedding but I am having one in 2024 and I would really like some helpful advice from people who would be happy to go to a childree destination wedding and which scenario would suit them best.

Just for context I don't have children (my parter has two older children who will be 16 and 18 at time of our wedding and will be attending) and the main reason we are having a childfree wedding is because of budget. Nieces, nephews and newborns are invited. Plenty of my friends have also had DW which I attended.

We have already booked our venue and we chose the first Sunday of a half term for a various reasons. However I have recently been comparing flight times for 2023 for the same dates and half term prices are a lot more expensive (we are talking around £150pp during term time and £420pp during half term). I'm now considering changing the date to a Saturday in term time as I feel terrible that flights could be that much (it's only two hours away).

I knew that they would be more expensive but didn't expect quite a hike, although baring in mind these are 2023 prices so we don't know what 2024 will bring.

So if you were were willing and wanted to travel to the wedding, what would you prefer? I was thinking the cheaper option but my cousin mentioned people might find it harder to get childcare in termtime (they would likely need to travel Fri-Sun/Mon) and also if we did half term then people might like to bring their children and make a holiday of it, getting a babysitter for the wedding day.

However a few others have said it's actually probably easier to get childcare from grandparents etc during termtime as at least the kids will be busy at school and won't need entertaining all day.

Our friends children range from around 3 - 14.

Thank you!!

I would go for term time. Most people with school aged Dcs will be wanting to do things with them when they are off school.

How long is the travel to get to your wedding?

Can I ask - why don’t you just get married near where you live or where the majority of your friends and family live?

This is a genuine question. I’m in my mid-50s and it used to be that people who got married abroad did so because they wanted to get married with very few guests - usually parents, siblings and couple of very close friends at the very most.

Why do you want to get married in a place which will cost your guests time and money to get to?

Thanks @rookiemere. It's around a two-hour flight (it's in Italy and we are UK).

It's a bit awkward as we have sent out the save the date already and most people have replied yes, but I doubt they would know flights would be that much more expensive. It's still around 16 months away though so I think plenty of notice to change the date if we choose to.

Most venues will have some time and money cost to get to, or some people will be put to effort and cost. Not everyone lives and works where they grew up and marries someone in the same position. You could easily exceed two hours of travel within the UK so what’s the big deal about abroad?

@Seeingadistance it's just always been a dream of mine to get married in this place, and my family and closest friends are all 100% coming so I know that they will be there. If my family couldn't attend then I would obviously reconsider.

I am completely understanding of people who will not be able to make it and accept that's part of having a destination wedding. I also really like the idea of it being a little holiday for everyone who can make it - I've been to plenty and have always had a fabulous time.

Sorry to be miserable, but I wouldn't go in my situation as it is now. School holidays are obviously expensive and I wouldn't take my dc out of school term time for a wedding. If I had no or adult dc, then term time would be best financially.

But guests with children won't want a little holiday without the children surely?

@KimWexlersPonyTail when I say little holiday I mean long weekend. Most of my friends who have kids have said they are happy it's childfree as they are looking forward to a fun weekend with just adults

I think a lot depends in the ages of the children that are coming. If your partners dc will be 16 and 18 at the time of the wedding will they be sitting or about to sit exams? If so term time would not be good for them. People with primary age might be able to take them out of school but will they be fined if they do so? Most guests i would think would prefer cheaper flights, but i think you need to think about what children are coming.

Any cost savings on flights and accommodation for a holiday in term time will be offset for people with children by childcare costs - if indeed they would be prepared to leave their children.

You said you didn't want any comments about the rights and wrongs of "destination weddings" and "child free weddings", so I won't give you any. You know what they'd be anyway.🙍

Do it during term time. That way it's cheaper for everyone that really wants to go, and if people want to drop out they can do so quietly and you should accept that graciously. You just don't know the true finances of lots of people so you can't assume they can all afford it.

The problem with destination weddings is that most people only see their dream destination. To guests it's not that interesting. A few might have always wanted to go there, but honestly, if they had ever wanted to go there on a holiday, they would have. The fact they picked elsewhere means that they aren't that fussed as you are about that location.

I don't holiday with family. So if you were a family member we would probably fly there the day before, do the wedding day with you then fuck off as soon as is polite the day after. If you were a friend, I'd decline citing term time and send you a card wishing you well. I won't waste my previous annual leave on holidaying with extended family as it's hell (from experience, I'll never do it again not even for a free 5* trip)

Given that you're concerned that a £270 difference in flight prices could be an issue, I'm going to make the assumption that neither you or your friends and relatives are rolling in it.

Personally, I wouldn't go in or out of term time. I'm not comfortable leaving my children like that, especially if attending your wedding overseas would impact my ability to go abroad as a family.

In your situation, I would keep the half term date and say that children are welcome. Guests who are able to arrange childcare and are happy to leave the kids likely will. People who aren't happy to leave their children have the option to incorporate your wedding into a family holiday.

You haven't mentioned in your post if you're footing the bill for accommodation and transport, will you be expecting your guests to pay for this too?

I think what you really need to consider here is what you want from your wedding. If you want a day (or two) surrounded by friends and family then book something in the UK and save Italy for your honeymoon. If you're happy to have fewer people attend and feel that the venue is more important, stick with Italy.

I would be very cross having to pay more for school holidays, and childcare if I couldn’t bring my kids.
Term time sounds like it is a fraction of the costs.

but I dislike destination weddings. It’s the people not the place that make a wedding day magical, and special.

How many people have you sent save the date invites to ?
If you do go for cheaper date, I'd let everyone know asap, maybe a whatsapp group and email rather than relying on the post.

I think term time would be better as it may be less crowded and accommodation may be cheaper as well as the flights.
I love destinations weddings and have found they work best if you have quite an affluent circle of friends and family.

I think it may depends if it affects the money left for a family holiday. Friends attended a DW but the child stayed at the hotel with grandparents and the family added one more week as a family holiday. That wouldn't work in term time.

Also, most of my annual leave is designed to cover school holidays and emergencies, there is not much left for anything else.

Do your friends have provisions to cover childcare for a weekend in term time? That would often include school runs, so the childcare needs to be locally instead of a family a bit further away.

Do check your step-children's exam and mock timetable, these can be a nightmare and missing mocks can cause havoc with predicted grades.

You may find only one of your friends may come instead of a couple.

@rookiemere we have sent everyone save the dates and around 75% have replied yes and the other 25% haven't replied yet. No-one has said no as of yet but I am definitely not expecting everyone to attend and I assume some of the yes's will change their mind nearer the time too, which I'm obviously totally fine with as we haven't sent the official invites yet.

We will definitely let them know ASAP but it's too early to book flights/accomocation for at least another six months. We are going to try to decide this week though!

Either way, people are going to not be able to go (either because of the expense) or because of childcare. Book what you want, but as it's a childfree destination wedding, you can't complain if anyone can't attend.

Have you tried asking your friends/family what works best for them, if you want them there?

Slightly agree with others - have a tiny wedding abroad at the time agreed but think about when it is versus exams for your DSS. Then a party if you can afford it for everyone else. Having said that have travelled 8 hours in the UK to get to a wedding and paid over the odds for hotel rooms and taxis.

You also have to factor in any regulations that might affect people flying and insurance. At least in my 8 hour marathon (that was both ways BTW) I could have chosen to stay at home.

@reluctantbrit so far everyone that has RSVP'd is saying they can make it work (about 75% so far) but yes I completely understand that in both situations there will be people who cannot make it. Or like you said just one of the couple comes.

I was basically just trying to gauge is one of the two situations might be a bit easier on those who do have childcare/grandparents willing to help for the weekend

@itsthefinalcountdown1 yes I'm completely understand those who won't be able to make it. We've reached out to the wedding party so far who have all basically said they will make it whatever we choose, just waiting to hear on a few more. One said it might be easier to get grandparents to help look after the children if it's term time.

What time of year are you looking at?

If you've sent out save the date notifications, stick to the date you told people to save.

Half term flights creep
up in price as the half term
gets nearer. If your guests book as soon as the dates are released the difference may not be as great as say comparing 2023 as those flights have been out a while.

I have been to three weddings overseas and turned down two. All those people lived in those countries though so to me that was very different. The reason we didn’t go to the other two was I was heavily PG at the time of one and the wedding was in Japan and with the other I just didn’t like them enough to go to the expense. That’s what my attendance has always boiled down to at any wedding or event, it’s going to cost x amount and would I want to spend that much.

The three weddings overseas were in America, my brother relocated there and two were of his daughters, three day big Chinese weddings, three outfits including full evening dress. A regular ceremony, tea ceremony, rehearsal dinner and a final family dinner post wedding. I never added up how much those two weddings cost because it was in to the thousands. The other American wedding was of the friend I made on day 1 of primary school when we were in our twenties.

Over the last 25 years I very occasionally go past where DH and I married as near my home town. I actually really like that.