How to help MIL with complicated grief

[complicatedgriefquestions]

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and has any advice on things which helped.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was very sudden and unexpected. He was relatively young, 63 and had just retired. MIL is the same age (now 65) and has not coped well and from looking online I think she has complicated grief i.e. she’s stuck in the grieving process and things aren’t improving at all.

Unfortunately MIL was very dependant on FIL and they did almost everything together. She only has 2-3 friends and doesn’t really have any other network as she’s retired, doesn’t go to church and doesn’t really have any hobbies except solitary ones like reading. She also doesn’t drive even though she lives in an area with few amenities (it’s at least a 45 minute walk to the shops, GP etc).

She is often on her own for days at a time and will spend that time crying and ruminating over what happened. She has not begun to sort out his clothes etc, they’re all still in the wardrobe. We’ve made gentle suggestions about starting volunteering or a class but she says it’s too soon.

To make things worse she lives three hours away and doesn’t feel confident making the journey on the train so DH has to drive her home if she comes to stay. There’s no way she’d contemplate moving closer.

It’s difficult to be around her as you don’t know what mood she will be in, she stayed for a week over Christmas and sometimes she seemed like her old self but other times she would just cry all day.

She has been to the GP but to be honest they didn’t seem very helpful, they suggested she contact Cruse which she won’t do. She did actually start private counselling but it’s one session every two months (not sure why) and I don’t think that’s having much of an impact.

Basically, it’s horrendous to see her like this and we are both out of ideas on how to help her. DH has spent hours and hours and hours listening to her cry and talk about FIL but it just seems to be making her worse not better. She has two grandchildren but doesn’t seem to take any pleasure in them, she doesn’t really find any joy in anything and I’m sure FIL wouldn’t want her to live like this but we don’t know how to help her to start taking steps to be happy again (at least some of the time).

Oh and also she has no other family, only DH.

Bump

Sorry, I can see from you bumping that you're desperate for advice, & I've been in the same situation but still don't know what to say.. my husband died at 48 yrs, I lived in a rural area & don't drive.. the only difference being I still had young children to look after. It was brutal but it meant I HAD to cope.
I would probably say don't pander to MIL, show her how to use trains etc, she's grieving, not helpless..
Does she have a pet to look after? That might help.. Is she online? I found the american widows' sites much more user friendly than British ones.

hmm
I wouldn't mention clothes at this point

I would say it was about 3 years before mum started looking to give away some of dad's things and we know other widows who still have them

my cousin was similar after her mum died, for about two years. She went to work, parented her teen and that was as much as she could do. No seeing friends or anything.

me and my sister had to tell mum to stop using us as a counsellor, at which point she pushed herself to have normal conversations. She didn't go out with friends for about a year. She did spend a lot of time alone at home recovering. She needed it.

I would say to your DH that it's fine to ask her to please talk about something else. A hobby sounds like an idea. She also needs to learn to use the trains.

My mum struggled a lot after my dad died, I did everything, drover her everywhere.

She didn't really improve, what changed was that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I got counselling for myself. I laid out what I was happy doing.
I set her up for online food shopping, prescriptions, taxis etc.
I guess I kind of forced her into moving along a bit. I doubt she'd have thanked me for it but things can't stay stuck.

Tough love may be required. She is still young.

Well I guess it takes as long as it takes. So long as she is eating, sleeping, and maybe getting out now and again even if it's for a walk around the block. I don't know what you can do other than give her time.

She can take as long as she needs I suppose, I don't think you can speed it up or take away her sorrow. I'm sure it must be awful to see.

Sounds like a really tough situation for you all. Could your DH have an open conversation with her about all this? Be frank, tell her everything that has been said here. She won't move closer, but why not? She doesn't seem to have much of a life where she lives. Sounds like she needs some more effective counselling - is it a financial thing why she's having it so infrequently? This may sound harsh, but as a pp has stated, she needs to start helping herself and taking some control - antidepressants and counselling may ne a good step forward.
My own mum died in her earlier 50s and it was so difficult for my dad, but sometimes we did need to give him some hard truths when he was being completely negative - yes, my mum died and it was devastating for us all, but that didn't mean that his or our lives had to be miserable forever. With regards to clothes etc, my sisters and I just went round and sorted them - he didn't have a choice - he was grateful afterwards and it does give him joy if he sees one of us wearing some of her old jewellery etc.

How old were you when your partner died?🙄

Lumpy "With regards to clothes etc, my sisters and I just went round and sorted them - he didn't have a choice"

why though? I can't imagine going to mum's house and removing dad's things.

Like mamabear, I have also been there. My husband died when he was 43. Having to function to keep the show on the road for small children forces you to get on with things and face fears - driving etc - but I took many years to deal with my husband's clothes. So whilst I would say you can't hurry her feelings or judge her for still being 'in grief', I wonder if you can also help her by a tiny bit of tough love re trains etc? In the long run she needs to be able to manage in the world without him, but it is hard forcing someone out of their comfort zone, and so hard on you all when you are also grieving.

It really is early days and you don't get to set the timeline for your MIL's grieving (even though your intentions are clearly good).

You say the GP wasn't helpful but what can they do? Bereavement is a normal but awful part of life and your MIL needs to find her way through it, painful though it is for you and her son to watch. You can't get her to engage in hobbies or mastering the train timetables or sorting out her husband's clothes until she is ready.

I think DH just has to say " Mum, its time to use the train". and refuse to collect her

She's not a helpless baby; and she has to make a start somewhere.

@kitcat15 she is obviously not coping but not doing anything to help and so is stuck in the grieving process. She needs help to move along the grieving process. It’s not healthy for her to be just sat there crying and not being to do anything or go anywhere. It’s awful that she has lost her husband and so young, but her life can’t continue as it is

My mum lost my sibling, a very close family member then my dad within 2 years. Sibling was an accident and dad was very late diagnosed cancer (5 weeks from diagnosis until he died). She'd been with my dad since they were 19 so didn't know how to be an adult without him. She was early 70s.

Oh, then we had Covid!

She still has my dads coat on the stair post. She's just now started to get rid of some of his other clothes - she does it in batches.

Her GP referred her to a course of grief counselling which seemed to help a lot. We live close and see her weekly but do have some boundaries (I have teens who love her but are teens).

What has helped her most is pushing her limits. She's visited my siblings friends and her old university friends who all live abroad. She goes to fitness classes and U3A events. She's considering joining the woman's bit of the Rotary (no idea why).

Most importantly she connected with a couple of old workmates and one has become a really close friend. She's also kept close to my aunt (her sil who is also a widow). After years of her and my dad being a tight unit she's got to know people more.

Don't get me wrong, she still finds it very tough and can get very down. But the counselling encouraged her to continue for her own sake.

My mum had a complete nervous breakdown around 18 months after my dad died, and ended up in a psychicatric ward for 6 weeks.

Might I suggest that your DH accompanies her to a doctor's appointment? She needs an advocate, and far more support from her GP than she is currently getting.

She needs to stop the counselling sessions . They are complicating her grief ... the huge gap between sessions is leading to her re traumatising herself as she is not processing her grief week on week and being left in her grief .

She needs to access a service like Cruse ... there is a waiting list ... encourage her to make the initial call to get on the list . The service will allocate her to somebody who is an expert in complicated grief.

CRUSE will help her through the process ( support with feelings these bring ) of sorting through clothing, expanding social circles as they will scaffold her feelings around this.

Until she does this , it's unlikely she will begin to accept the grief is a part of her .

Good luck .

I agree with tough love and I was 45. Unfortunately she was massively reliant on her husband for many aspects of her life. She will need a fair bit of nudging into taking responsibility for herself.

I would be strongly recommending she tries the grief therapy.

My heart hurts for her, please don't be harsh nor impatient.

We thought Dad would be like this when Mum died in May. He also gave up driving at the same time. He's 81 but has lived in the same town all.his.life.

These are things he has done if any are suitable as suggestions.

Goes to a weekly community meal.
Has a short walk every day that it's not icy, freezing cold or tipping it down.
Goes to the local town shopping on a community bus (doorstep collection/return) Once every two weeks. This bus also does weekly trips out and a group meeting with talks but he doesn't do that yet.
Returned to watch local football when they play at home on a Saturday. He finds this.out from Facebook which he joined.
He has BT sport and a laptop so he can watch sport as much as he wants.
A friend has offered to take him to a local village monthly coffee morning when she's allowed to drive again but that hasn't started yet.
He walks to the shop and buys a few bits.
He stays with us for 3 weeks at a time and we arrange the next visit when he goes back so he has something to look forward to.
He goes to a fortnightly local history group.
He walks to the GP for his vaccines/check ups
He pops around a neighbours house (he was her late husbands friend and she mum's friend)

It's so hard as it's a new way of living and she might just not be ready. Dad hasn't sorted Mum's clothes yet either - apart from.the coats etc that were staring at him.each time he opened the cupboard.

Can you see if you can find out what's available locally in terms of provision? Not to make her go but as ideas.

Obviously you need to explore the complicated grief too. Dad's had some bad days this Christmas whilst with us but I'd describe it more like.waves (albeit up to a day in length sometimes) and occasional nightmares rather than constantly being down.

Good luck. It must be an awful experience to have to live with.

18 months is not that long for someone who’s world has been suddenly ripped apart, especially at a stage of life when they probably had hopes and dreams for their retirement together. I am speaking as a widow here who lost my DH suddenly at a younger age than your MIL.

You say “sometimes she seemed like her old self” so maybe she’s not completely stuck, and that in terms of taking up new activities she says that it’s “too soon”. Have you tried asking her if she thinks she’s stuck in grief and it’s not getting any better or are you assuming this? Maybe she does simply need more time. It’s difficult and inconvenient for you and your DH, but that’s no reason to rush her unless she feels she’s not adjusting at all.

In terms of practicalities, could you try accompanying her on the train but standing back and letting her do it herself. Or at least book cabs for her to and from the station.

To the people suggesting CRUSE, I couldn’t even get anyone to answer the phone despite repeated attempts.

@EmmaAgain22 she was my dad's wife but she was our mum and we wanted to sort her things - reminis about when she wore them, keep some for ourselves, donate some. Each family has a different dynamic and my sisters and I were all very close to mum - when she was alive it wasn't unusual for us to go round to her house and look through her wardrobe to borrow clothes, make up, shoes etc. So maybe that's why it felt so easy for us to just get on with it. Maybe my wording sounded aggressive, if my dad didn't want us to do it, we wouldn't have, but we knew that he didn't want to do it, and he didn't object when we suggested it. He was pleased afterwards that we all manged to keep a lot of her things, and still wear them to this day.

Are there any bereavement groups she could attend?

Oh I see
I didn't think your wording said that at all - you said "With regards to clothes etc, my sisters and I just went round and sorted them - he didn't have a choice"

I wear dad's watch and took some other things for me, with mum's permission.