How to help MIL with complicated grief

[complicatedgriefquestions]

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and has any advice on things which helped.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was very sudden and unexpected. He was relatively young, 63 and had just retired. MIL is the same age (now 65) and has not coped well and from looking online I think she has complicated grief i.e. she’s stuck in the grieving process and things aren’t improving at all.

Unfortunately MIL was very dependant on FIL and they did almost everything together. She only has 2-3 friends and doesn’t really have any other network as she’s retired, doesn’t go to church and doesn’t really have any hobbies except solitary ones like reading. She also doesn’t drive even though she lives in an area with few amenities (it’s at least a 45 minute walk to the shops, GP etc).

She is often on her own for days at a time and will spend that time crying and ruminating over what happened. She has not begun to sort out his clothes etc, they’re all still in the wardrobe. We’ve made gentle suggestions about starting volunteering or a class but she says it’s too soon.

To make things worse she lives three hours away and doesn’t feel confident making the journey on the train so DH has to drive her home if she comes to stay. There’s no way she’d contemplate moving closer.

It’s difficult to be around her as you don’t know what mood she will be in, she stayed for a week over Christmas and sometimes she seemed like her old self but other times she would just cry all day.

She has been to the GP but to be honest they didn’t seem very helpful, they suggested she contact Cruse which she won’t do. She did actually start private counselling but it’s one session every two months (not sure why) and I don’t think that’s having much of an impact.

Basically, it’s horrendous to see her like this and we are both out of ideas on how to help her. DH has spent hours and hours and hours listening to her cry and talk about FIL but it just seems to be making her worse not better. She has two grandchildren but doesn’t seem to take any pleasure in them, she doesn’t really find any joy in anything and I’m sure FIL wouldn’t want her to live like this but we don’t know how to help her to start taking steps to be happy again (at least some of the time).

I am back again because I realise that I am feeling angry on your MIL’s behalf that she is expected to be ‘over it’ after 18 months. Many widows say that the second year is harder than the first because people expect you to be ‘back to normal’. Give the poor woman time to grieve in her own fashion. Stop trying to fix her overnight.

Before anyone says it, yes, I am probably projecting my own feelings onto your MIL’s situation but I want to give another perspective.

No-one is saying she should be over it but does need to start doing something to help her instead of rejecting everything

I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry if you had the impression that we’re expecting her to be “over it” or back to normal by now, that definitely is not the case.

That sounds awful for you but just dreadful for her. She is going to need more time, isn't she.

First things first, can she manage financially? You've said practically she can't do the trains but is she buying food, doing other essential things?

You also said not many ammenities. Is it very rural? Is it logical for her to stay in the same location long term now she doesn't have FIL for support?

If she stayed at yours for longer and got involved a bit more, would that help her? She is probably Just incredibly lonely, especially is she was very happy and content with her life before.

My point is that she hasn’t necessarily got ‘complicated grief’, just plain old fashioned normal grief. Labelling it ‘complicated grief’ implies (even if you didn’t mean to’ that she should have got over it by now. This is a direct quote from the CRUSE website:

After the first year
It’s common to find the second year after someone dies to be just as difficult or even harder than the first. People around you may have gone back to normal and you might feel there’s less space for you to talk about your feelings.

18 months is no time — to your MIL it still feels as if he died yesterday, yet forever since she last saw him.. At 18 months I’d say this is regular for grieving.
I have always been very independent but 18 months after my DP was killed in a road accident I was still in shock. On the surface I functioned — I’d gone out and got a p/t job, performed 100% at work. But as soon as I got to my car I crumbled and sobbed all the way home. Every day. The shock didn’t wear off for 21 months.
Suggest a widows group. I believe there are several on Facebook. Your MIL can join Way-Up way-up.co.uk It’s more a social meet up group but a good way to meet others who get how you’re feeling.
I understand it’s frustrating for you but please be patient, grieving is hard work, exhausting and it invades every atom of your life.

Thank you so much for all the comments I really appreciate it. It’s given me lots of things to think about! I can’t respond to everyone but to pick up on a few points.

A dog/pet is a brilliant idea! I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this before, that could actually be really good for her.

This thread has made me realise that we need to pick our battles a bit more. The clothes really aren’t that big a deal and if she wants to keep them longer then that’s ok. However, not feeling able to get the train needs to be addressed as driving her back and forth isn’t sustainable - unless she stays for a full week at a time, it means DH taking at least one day of annual leave and it’s really draining. So perhaps that’s what we need to focus on first.

There’s just no way she’d consider moving closer to us. DH has very tentatively asked if she’d consider moving closer to the shops in her current area but she won’t even think about that. I think he is also worried that if she moves closer to us then it would take her away from her two close friends and make her 100% dependant on us as she’s unlikely to get involved with new activities and people in our area (and if he strongly persuaded her to move and it doesn’t go well he is worried she would resent him).

I think she is managing fine financially, I don’t know the details but I know she still has a decent amount coming in from their pensions and her outgoings have drastically reduced. So at least that’s not a worry.

I’m not really sure what the issue is with the GP/counselling. I agree that more regular structured support could be really helpful for her and certainly the very sporadic sessions don’t seem to be helping. I don’t know if she maybe needs to consider antidepressants although I don’t really know anything about that. DH going with her to an appointment is a really good idea, thank you.

To be clear again, neither of us are expecting her to be “over it” by this stage but it’s heartbreaking to see her literally spending day after day sitting at home and crying. I know it’s been horribly traumatic for her but if there’s a way to help her move past this stage we would like to support her with that.

Thank you and I do understand that this isn’t very long and it is a terrible experience. I’m very sorry for your loss.

We have suggested a widows group, I actually found one in her area and DH suggested it. She says she doesn’t want to.

I’m just worried that as nothing has got better in eighteen months she will just stay in this stage for the rest of her life, which is her prerogative I suppose but I think it would be very sad.

I really wish she would but she won’t go. I’ve found a couple of different options and then DH suggests them to her.

One idea I had was for DH to ask one of her friends (who he knows well) if she’ll go with her to the first meeting which I think he might try in a few weeks.

Does she do anything with her friends? Can they join a club together? Is there U3A in her area. My widowed DM (in her 80s) moved closer to us when DF died. There is a community transport group which runs a regular bus to shops for those living more rurally, trips to other towns or attractions. DM no longer drives so she has made use of this group. She lives in retirement flats and there are usually other ladies who go on these trips too so always a familiar face for her.

OP, I know that you have good intentions and it’s hard to see her like this, but please stop trying to fix her.

I didn’t want to join a widow’s group or have counselling (although I looked into both in an attempt to deal with the shock and pain) because I didn’t want to having given it some thought. Having someone suggest that I replace my husband with a dog or cat would have been downright insulting.

Ask her what she wants. Listen to her and be led by her.

I am sorry for what you went through and I know you feel really strongly about this, but I started this thread to get a variety of opinions from people who’ve been in this situation or been bereaved, and those suggestions came directly from some of them. There’s clearly no right way to do this and people respond to things very differently.

Ultimately it is DH who knows her best and he has spent hours and hours listening to her and all she wants is to have her husband back 😞 Beyond that she has no ideas. So it is helpful to have a few suggestions, it does not mean we will put them all forward to her or pressure her to take any of them up. Or suggest she replaces her husband with a cat and will therefore then be “fixed”.

This is a very good post.

OP, I know others with (very sadly 💐) direct experience of losing their partner / spouse have offered suggestions.

However, you need to be guided by the individual.

My DF died 4 years ago; although he was ill, it was unexpected & traumatic at the end. (I haven't really processed it myself).

My DM had had two other bereavements (both very close to her) in the year preceding my DF death, then had some health issues which limited her mobility for a period, then Covid ...

She is still in a terribly dark place. She would have a tendency towards depression anyway & an utter unwillingness to do anything about it. She is stuck in grief, despite having close friends & family, and a good network & various social outlets. She is in her very early 70s, so should have much more life to lead.

I have tried to listen & allow her talk; she says after she does that it doesn't help at all. Her interest in her DC & DGC lives is limited (tho she is still very generous).

I have had to put some boundaries in place in terms of what I'm able to do; in her unhappiness she has been quite cruel to me at times, and I needed to limit her opportunities to do this. I think your DH making decisions on this basis is reasonable.

How you can help her though? I don't think you can. Something might shift for her & you can be there then to help. Hopefully, like my DM, she won't be stuck at this stage forever but you really have no control over this.

Regarding dog or other pet - unless she says she'd like this please don't. It is another burden potentially, when someone is frail & lacking resilience. The other point is having to care for something & also recognising the potential for them to die. I also think a dog would be good for my DM, but she would hate us to do that.

I wish you & DH, and his DM, well. Grief is brutal. 🌹

DH has spent hours and hours and hours listening to her cry and talk about FIL but it just seems to be making her worse not better. She has two grandchildren but doesn’t seem to take any pleasure in them, she doesn’t really find any joy in anything

This part of your post really resonated with me.

This is exactly how it is with my DM. Even though I've spent hours listening to her, answering phone calls any time, it doesn't help her & seems possibly to make it worse.

As hard as it is, I've had to limit the time I do this; I'm a single parent, going through a lot & need to look after me & my DC. Especially as she seems worse after, not better.

My DM will say she finds no joy in anything. As sad as that is for her, it can also be hard for the family, as happy occasions get tarnished. All we can do is be there when we can, and hope things will change for her in the future.

With the catching the trains - is it likely to be a confidence thing? Has she ever travelled alone. If not why doesn't your DP or you travel with her on the trains a few times until she gets her bearings and confidence.
I'd also suggest getting her friends involved in helping her find things she will enjoy. Not necessarily specifically for those who have been bereaved.

If you have private counselling you should be able to have it as much as you want. I’ve had twice weekly, then weekly, then every 10 days, then fortnightly, then every 3 weeks… to now 6 monthly. If you are paying, it should be easily available and to suit your needs at that time.

Does the train journey involve connections? Could you meet her half way? There is Passenger Assist which is for elderly and disabled passengers. Don’t know whether your DM would qualify

I don't know why so many people are saying it's normal to be crying all day after 18 months.

OP is right in thinking that there should be some progress in that time. It's quite clear to me that this woman needs to be helped to get over the hump that's preventing her from moving along that grief road.

I simply couldn't have responded to my own 'too early widowhood' in this way. I had my daughter's still living with me and I had to help them with their grief too. And try to live the life their dad wanted for us as a family.

Fortunately I was offered grief counseling, which helped. And I'm not pretending that my emotions weren't bleak at times. But at 18 months? Nope, I had to function, both to bring in an income and to provide a healthy home environment for our girls.

This whole "there's no wrong way to grieve" thing that's trotted out so often, is actually quite unhelpful. It means that people's needs are ignored and they don't get the help they need when they're stuck on one of those bumps on the grief road.

You're right to be concerned, OP. Can you call Cruse yourself for advice? Or even contact her GP with your worries?

I don't know why so many people are saying it's normal to be crying all day after 18 months.

But she's not crying all day all of the time - OP says that she's sometimes like herself, and other times is crying.

This seems quite usual to me.

OP is right in thinking that there should be some progress in that time.

It would be good if there was, but there are no rules around this. I've experienced grief too, and know that it's very individual.

I had my daughter's still living with me and I had to help them with their grief too.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I do think the fact that you had to support your DDs, in an immediate way, may have helped with focusing on the practicalities in your situation

Thinking of my DM, she is like OP's MIL in that she doesn't have to specifically think of anyone else.

I think contacting MIL's GP is completely inappropriate.

I do understand your points, but it is the case that grief is multi faceted & individual. There is no right way to grieve. In my DM's case, absolutely she should be on medication (as she is very clearly depressed, I don't mean for grief alone) and there are certainly steps I wish she would take that would help her. But it is her choice, that's the point. She's an adult and while if she needs help it's there, if she clearly rejects that, there is little anyone can do.

There is no right way to grieve.

There IS a wrong/unhealthy/damaging way though. At least after the acute stage. And people ignoring that and claiming that complex grief is normal and the person should be left alone, are NOT being helpful or kind.

No, you can't force them to get help, but pretending there isn't a problem and just quoting a trite falsehood that gets you out of an uncomfortable situation, is no use at all.

Oh I completely agree with you on this Sara.

The difficulty is addressing it in any way that's helpful and / or effective for the person concerned. As I said in my earlier post, some suggestions on this thread might work for some, but definitely not for others.

I had gruel counselling as a group with the local hospice. They said two years was absolutely normal and that there was no such thigg no as complicated grief.
however I do understand why you want to address some of this. Does her local hospice offer support (mine did not require the loved one to have been under hospice care). Would she learn to drive?

Just make sure she is looking after herself. My Mum hit the bottle after her partner died suddenly in their early sixties. The increasing dependency on alcohol did not help her recovery.

But what she wants is most likely not very rational or helpful for long term healing.

She needs to start doing things on her own and getting adjusted to what life has become. Her reluctance to do anything to move forward is not great and OP from the sounds of it has a young family to also take care of.

My MIL is going though this as well, it's around 2 years since her husband died.

In my case she is relying on me quite a lot to talk about him and I have been going this but she has also refused any counselling or support from the GP.

She has daughters but one is abroad and the other grieving herself. I'm having to have some boundaries now as she would be seeing me and talking etc most days, lives quite close by.

I have managed to cut it down to meeting twice a week now. It is really hard but if it is bringing you down as well that isn't great either.

I have depression and she seems to have no empathy about that, tells me 'what have I to be depressed about' and this led to me protecting myself a little.