Should I tell my sister I think she has autism?

[Nicewarmfeet]

Or should I just not say anything? This is something I think about a lot and spending loads of time with the family for Xmas has made me think of it again today. I just think so many things she struggles with fit the ASD description for women. Maybe if she knew she'd be less angry all the time? Maybe as a family we'd find it easier to handle her meltdowns?

She is 38 and lives at home with my parents paying minimal rent. She has sensory issues that send her into a rage on a daily basis. If we do things like - leave ads on the TV unmuted, clink our cutlery too loud on plates or chew too loudly she flies off the handle and storms off. You never know what will set her off. She finds any kind of lie a personal insult (even accidental ones) e.g. if she asks 'do we have milk?' and you say 'yes' because you think there is some but actually you've run out she gets very upset/ angry. She's obsessive with her interests which currently are gardening and various films. She's obsessed with germs and has to spray down the kitchen fully before using it. If you interrupt this while she's in there again she gets very angry. There's so many other things but these are what are in my head.

We all love her. She can be lovely and generous and fun but she's such hard work. You're always on eggshells with her.

My parents get shouted at everyday in their own house. She's making no effort to move out and they'd never throw her out but I worry about her living with them as they get older.

Has anyone else had this situation? Has a diagnosis helped with the rage? If you have had someone you know get diagnosed as an adult how did they know to do it? Who suggested it to them? Did it help them? Or if you've had a diagnosis yourself I'd be interested to hear. Any advice would be appreciated.

I think she has become controlling to a certain degree but addressing her behaviour seems to just set her off more. Being 'tough' and direct seems to be the worst thing and makes her worse for ages. My poor mum has tried it unsuccessfully

That approach won't work because she's not being controling deliberately for the purpose of controlling others because she enjoys having power over them. She doing it to get her basic needs met (which are greater than the average person's basic needs). Her/family/professionals need to work together to find other ways to get her needs met that don't involve trampling all over the rights of the other occupants of the house. She needs to start to realise that even if she can't see a solution (other than having her own way) that doesn't mean there isn't one, and that just because she is having a problem with something it doesn't mean the other person is being unreasonable, it's a clash between what two people want/need and neither is wrong. That's the kind of realisation that will lead to a change in her behaviour as she starts to seek solutions to a clash of interests, instead of shutting other people down believing them to be in the wrong. Tolerating things until she can't any more and reaches explosion point isn't the best way to go through life.

It depends on the individual circumstance. It's no use thinking she has to make some or other change, if in a particular circumstance she's totally unable to do so. It's a variable thing not a blanket rule IMO. I'm sure there will be some areas/tasks/situations where she can make changes to help herself, just maybe not in every single case. All a person can do is try. I don't believe anyone should feel lesser-than if they're unable to succeed at something

Can't lie here, if you had ousted this about your brother I would tell you he was a cunt.

What's the difference between a male cunt and a female cunt in this situation?

Oh, just realised you attempted an explanation.

L.o.l 😀😂 I totally agree with what you both say @DuplicateUserName @givethistokevin
I really like your take,vey insightful on Op Thread, I feel the exactly the same way,
I am starting to develop to have a low intolerance for people pleasing after doing people pleasing for almost lifetime,
It's wake up and smell the coffee,
I am no longer going to act like performing Trapeze Artist extraordinaire/for people like my friend who I want to do a houndi dispearing Act ,as she is seriously irritatingly annoying as hell

I think if she knows she has autism or some neurodiversity she can read up on it and learn to follow self care in order to avoid some of the melt downs and difficult situations. Eradicating then completely will be unlikely. Autism is a disability.Spectrum Women and Aspergirls are both great books. Maybe you could read them too OP. It will give you a clearer picture of what life is like for her.

Thank you for the replies overnight. I'll definitely give those books a look.

Maybe if we all know what we're dealing with we can find smarter ways to address it? She does live in her bedroom and I know that makes my parents really sad. They think she's wasting her life but then I think that's where she's happiest.

Still not sure if I'll ever speak to her about it but my mum has already said it's been useful for her and my dad to realise there might be something else there. My dad in particular felt she was wasting her life hiding in her room.

You sound like a great sister, my sister has been a godsend. Knowing my children have autism too has helped us hugely with their difficulties. It’s not classed as a disability without reason. If she gets a diagnosis she might get PIP.

Depending on your parents ages/ capabilities I wonder whether it might be worth starting to make noises to social services and see whether they might get involved if it is tipping into elder abuse. They might be able to suppprt the whole family to work towards a solution.

Does she understand that her behaviour is causing issues, both for herself and other people?
Sounds like she needs to work with a psychologist to understand her issues better, with a view to making her life easier. That may involve going for an assessment for autism, or ADHD, or OCD, or BPD…
But regardless of diagnosis (or not), she needs to understand her behaviours and thinking better, and needs a psychologist or similar for that. If she doesn’t see that there are issues, then there’s not much you can do. The only option then would maybe be for your parents to seek therapy to learn strategies to deal with her

I'd definitely bring it up but do some groundwork first. My children are autistic and before we got the diagnosis we started discussing 'differences' in how people think and experience the world. So difference becomes normal. Then we discussing various traits and how they related to conditions such as ADHD and autism. We talked about people needing time/ways to destress. It wasn't done negatively but just in a matter of fact way. Then we raised the possibility they might be autistic (which they had naturally realised by this point). It's only received badly if you have been conditioned to see at as negative so I'd start working on that.
Having a diagnosis doesn't necessarily come with 'help' but it helps understanding immensely which is so helpful. If you know it she should.

You have my sympathy, it sounds difficult for everyone. It sounds like it would benefit her to know why she is like that.
It had benefited all the people I support immensely as they now have a "why". It's so difficult for the people around who get blamed for everything.

I know this thread kind of went off the boil so sorry for resurrecting it again. Can I ask was it your sister @FlynG1n76 who brought this up to you? How did she go about it?

Get her loops earplugs. They take the edge off. Sound can be quite painful!
when a build up over time of sensory input happens, yes, it is possible for someone to become completely unable to cope- that doesn’t make them a “c-nt” (as a pp said 🙄) it is a disability.

geez some people, I swear.

Hi

Thanks for this thread. It's something I've been wondering about a lot. I did suggest to my sister that she is autistic. She is a lot older than your sister. I regretted it afterwards. She looked it up and was quite upset about the definition she read which didn't frame autism in a positive way. I'm hoping with more and more being out there about autism she'll start to see it as a difference rather than an insult. I was hoping that it would bring her some relief by helping her to understand why she experiences the challenges she does.
One thing I noticed in your post, that also reflected my experience was, that there can be challenges to having a sibling who is autistic and who has got to adulthood without a diagnosis. It's hard to grow up being careful how loud you chew or having to answer for a unintended 'lie' or breach of their rules. In adulthood it's hard not to be resentful when you've worked hard to be independent, to watch them get away with continuing to be supported by parents way into adulthood.I wonder now if me telling her she was autistic was not only to help her but was actually me wanting to vent my frustration with her and to let her know that she is the difficult one and not me!
I regretted upsetting her because I do love her dearly but she seems less upset now. I've been pointing out all her achievements and great qualities, of which there are many. She seems to have put it to the back of her mind for now.
I hope you found your answer and would love to hear what you decided.

@Ittakeslonger I haven't said anything. I'm too chicken. I did read the book spectrum women though which someone recommended on this thread and it was fantastic. Really gave me an insight into how women with autism experience the world. It's allowed me to challenge her on things gently e.g. having zero tolerance of imperfection in others.

I think you're right to some extent it maybe is me wanting to vent my frustration which isn't helpful really.

I don't think suggesting will go well. Discussing it with my parents has helped them feel less frustrated with her. Her special interest is gardening and she has an allotment now so in summer she's a different person to winter. She's much calmer and less snappy.

I've also learned from spectrum women book that doing a special interest sort of clears the brain of pent up rage which is probably why she's so much harder to live with in winter. This thread has been brilliant for me so thanks for all the replies. Again sorry to post on it 6 months later but I just noticed the new comment and wanted to reply.