Should I tell my sister I think she has autism?

[Nicewarmfeet]

Or should I just not say anything? This is something I think about a lot and spending loads of time with the family for Xmas has made me think of it again today. I just think so many things she struggles with fit the ASD description for women. Maybe if she knew she'd be less angry all the time? Maybe as a family we'd find it easier to handle her meltdowns?

She is 38 and lives at home with my parents paying minimal rent. She has sensory issues that send her into a rage on a daily basis. If we do things like - leave ads on the TV unmuted, clink our cutlery too loud on plates or chew too loudly she flies off the handle and storms off. You never know what will set her off. She finds any kind of lie a personal insult (even accidental ones) e.g. if she asks 'do we have milk?' and you say 'yes' because you think there is some but actually you've run out she gets very upset/ angry. She's obsessive with her interests which currently are gardening and various films. She's obsessed with germs and has to spray down the kitchen fully before using it. If you interrupt this while she's in there again she gets very angry. There's so many other things but these are what are in my head.

We all love her. She can be lovely and generous and fun but she's such hard work. You're always on eggshells with her.

My parents get shouted at everyday in their own house. She's making no effort to move out and they'd never throw her out but I worry about her living with them as they get older.

Has anyone else had this situation? Has a diagnosis helped with the rage? If you have had someone you know get diagnosed as an adult how did they know to do it? Who suggested it to them? Did it help them? Or if you've had a diagnosis yourself I'd be interested to hear. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sorry I thought ASD traits presented differently in women and that's why it gets under diagnosed? That's what I meant when I wrote that. Apologies if that was clumsily put.

Traits, yes, but the diagnostic criteria are not different for females, perhaps look them up?

This thread is interesting thank you for your reply. No I have no knowledge beyond reading on the internet so my amateur diagnosis could well be wrong I just noticed things I thought matched but this thread is showing me it could be any number of issues. Maybe it's not my issue to solve it's just something I wish I could help with.

You have basically said she gets angry, worries about germs and has intense interests. I'm struggling to see why that makes you jump to autism but it seems you have plenty validation here so I shall leave it at that.

All these replies are so interesting I'm so grateful to hear people's thoughts on this. @Blueroses99 its interesting to hear you say it doesn't feel like anger to you but it does to others. My sister says this a lot! Then gets upset saying everyone is always telling her she's angry. But it certainly seems like she is! How are you learning to regulate? Is that something that can be learned? What does your DH do differently that helps you? If you don't mind sharing?

I think there is a difference between being so indirect it will be misunderstood and saying "I think you're autistic."

What about picking a non-stressful time and saying something like, "I've noticed you are very sensitive to noise and it upsets you when xxx happens. I have actually been reading about sensory issues recently. Would you like me to help you make a doctor's appointment to see if there is any help available?"

There’s an analogy that’s often shared on the sen pages on Facebook etc - the fizzy pop one, it’s not perfect but basically explains that for many people and children with autism they get excited about things or manage to hold things in for a period of time (Ie at school / in the run up to Christmas) and then - like a bottle of pop that’s been shaken - everything will suddenly explode, a meltdown, when things are able to be released. I wonder if that’s what’s happened a little here. Of course I’m just speculating. But I do recognise a lot of myself in what you’ve written. I have 2 children - my Ds and an older dc aged 19 (no sen) and I worked so hard to give them a magical Christmas etc but today I’m actually feeling really low, burnt out and craving my own space, although trying to hide that as much as I can. I can manage my emotions seemingly better than your sister, no outbursts but that’s come from gaining good insight, and no two people with autism are exactly the same. It sounds like you did everything you could to be accommodating. 💐

The chewing sounds provoking rage is a thing, maybe misophonia? I know two people with that, who seemingly aren't autistic. The germ and order thing could also be OCD or something. I don't want to armchair diagnose but wouldn't just assume ASD.

That said, adult diagnosis can be so life changing. I have first hand experience of this. You just have to work out who is the best person to broach the topic and how.

This is what I wondered a diagnosis might do for her?? She might feel less frustrated / hard on herself and everyone else. Thank you for sharing.

It's pretty clear on here that me suggesting it to her will not go well. I'll try and work on what I can do to not set her off when I'm around her that seems like all I can do really. I manage fairly well mostly I just worry for my parents.

I am sitting here thinking my sister might have autism too op. My mum and l spoke about it. But she works and is a functioning adult so l also wonder what would be the point in a diagnosis. She shows so many traits but as she is late 40's, it wasn't a thing when we were young so she has slipped through the net.

This is incorrect, my child has Autism and flying into a rage at the drop of a hat is one of her most predominant Autistic traits. I'm constantly walking on eggshells, trying to reduce triggers. Do the trickiest part of putting toys together etc, to avoid her getting angry

@Nicewarmfeet I have a daughter I know is ASD. However she has been tested three times and it has come back negative. She is a psychology undergrad! Her intellect effects the results, her IQ ditto. My dds mental health was terrible, her behaviour appalling but kindness cured her. Via la difference. My daughter likes quiet (she's had 4 days of family Christmas ). She can appear rude but isn't, it is a fact based brain. I would urge you to think differently. My biggest advice would be be kind and her advocate, ASD is a disability, would you not support a wheelchair user? Of course you would. We are all God's creation (buda, mohamed or none). Read up, help her. Only 20% or so of disabled people work. It is disgusting. A nero diverse brain is not an unwanted one.

@SchnauzerEyebrows

This is incorrect, my child has Autism and flying into a rage at the drop of a hat is one of her most predominant Autistic traits

You realise not all autistic people are the same? I did t say autistic people don't get angry, I said being angry doesn't equal being autistic - which is 100% true.

Didn't say

In your situation I would say something, it may well be a massive relief to your sister and help her understand why she struggles so much.

My dd has been assessed as being borderline autistic, even knowing she's borderline really helps her understand why she finds somethings more difficult than others.

And you've totally misunderstood what I have said. I never said everyone is the same as my DD! But you were discounting rage as a symptom of ASD. I'm merely saying that it most certainly is in DD's sake.

There is no such diagnosis as 'Borderline Autistic' You're either diagnosed with ASD or you're not.

It sounds like your poor sister could have misophonia, I have it and my DMum had it and it's a bloody nightmare to live with.

The sound of people eating,cutlery against plates (that put my teeth on edge just typing it)tapping, scratching noises (different noises and sounds trigger different people in differeyways)can set of a real fight or flight instinct in the person who's suffering with it.

I've learnt my triggers now so I can remove myself from the situation before I start to feel physically ill and angry because of it.

I appreciate where you're coming from. I guess I'm saying the 'anger' is often triggered by sensory things like sounds, or changes of plans or 'lies' which as much as I understand it are associated with autism.

I don't think she's a horrible or bad person I love her very much. I just do find the meltdowns hard as I know the rest of my family do. She often seems very unhappy. I'd like to try and make things better for her really. I may well be wrong in my assumption of ASD. The discussion on this thread about other's experiences of neurodiversity is really interesting and helpful for me and the ideas people are putting in are really helpful. I apologise if I've upset you.

@SchnauzerEyebrows

I wasn't discounting anything. I was saying anger doesn't equal autism. Calm yourself down, I'm not taking anything away from you or your DD.

She definitely sounds like she could have autism to me. But I wonder if she would welcome any attempt to get her assessed. I would have thought that by her age she may have realised or at least considered the possibility

@Nicewarmfeet

No I'm not upset at all, i hope you manage to find some answers for your sister, it sounds tough going whatever the reason.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned already and I know your concerns are with your sister, but do you have concerns about your parents. They aren't getting any younger, and there doesn't seem to be any prospect of your sister moving out and living independently. Have you thought about how your parents will be able to manage in years to come, as they they become elderly. There could be the chance that your sister becomes increasingly dominant towards them, and they may no longer be able to cope.

Just to add a friend told me her mil was diagnosed at 83! Always a tricky lady, numbers mad with precived OCD. She went for a dementia assessment. A lifetime of being thought of as a cold fish. We are all different. I really do urge you to read up on this.

This is very much my worry! I really don't know what to do to help. She's not interested in moving out. She's decided the planet is going to basically be uninhabitable in 10 years so there's no point planning for the future 😳.

It's very worrying. She lived independently in Canada for a few years (we have family there and are duel citizens). My aunt offered to have her after she had a particularly bad altercation with my mom. She managed to live with my cousin for a while and then rented someone's basement so she can do it. I don't know even if she worked full time she'd manage to live on her own here. She's on minimum wage and living in a house share I don't think would last long for obvious reasons.

The ‘diagnostic criteria’ is the same for everyone but it varies incredibly widely as it is a spectrum.

Anger/Melt downs is 100% a symptom of ASD.

And yes it’s true ASD can present very differently in women, men, children.

Based on what OP has posted there is a clear possibility her sister is autistic.

@Nicewarmfeet PP has given some bad guidance here but you’ve had some brilliant guidance from other PPs. What ever happens your sister does need professional help- she’s clearly massively struggling but she could cause irreparable damage to relationships and her job if she doesn’t get the help she needs.

The ‘diagnostic criteria’ is the same for everyone but it varies incredibly widely as it is a spectrum.

The diagnostic criteria that have to be met are the same for male and female

Anger/Melt downs is 100% a symptom of ASD.

I mean sure, but I never said otherwise. Simply anger doesn't mean autism. People get angry, they are not all autistic. I guess I wrote it badly as it hasn't been very clear, but if someone had an anger issue it's not an automatic tick in the autism box, is what I meant.

And yes it’s true ASD can present very differently in women, men, children.

Yes, but I was suggesting OP looked up the criteria for diagnosis because that's the important factor, not the variable traits.

Oh and bad guidance? I literally suggested looking up the diagnostic criteria- which is actually the best guidance for anyone who suspects autism. Have a look at the actual detailed criteria.