Should I tell my sister I think she has autism?

[Nicewarmfeet]

Or should I just not say anything? This is something I think about a lot and spending loads of time with the family for Xmas has made me think of it again today. I just think so many things she struggles with fit the ASD description for women. Maybe if she knew she'd be less angry all the time? Maybe as a family we'd find it easier to handle her meltdowns?

She is 38 and lives at home with my parents paying minimal rent. She has sensory issues that send her into a rage on a daily basis. If we do things like - leave ads on the TV unmuted, clink our cutlery too loud on plates or chew too loudly she flies off the handle and storms off. You never know what will set her off. She finds any kind of lie a personal insult (even accidental ones) e.g. if she asks 'do we have milk?' and you say 'yes' because you think there is some but actually you've run out she gets very upset/ angry. She's obsessive with her interests which currently are gardening and various films. She's obsessed with germs and has to spray down the kitchen fully before using it. If you interrupt this while she's in there again she gets very angry. There's so many other things but these are what are in my head.

We all love her. She can be lovely and generous and fun but she's such hard work. You're always on eggshells with her.

My parents get shouted at everyday in their own house. She's making no effort to move out and they'd never throw her out but I worry about her living with them as they get older.

Has anyone else had this situation? Has a diagnosis helped with the rage? If you have had someone you know get diagnosed as an adult how did they know to do it? Who suggested it to them? Did it help them? Or if you've had a diagnosis yourself I'd be interested to hear. Any advice would be appreciated.

I would not mention any particular diagnosis, as there is a chance you could be way of the mark. More like mention that you notice she struggles with certain things, or that the atmosphere in the house is tense at times.

Trouble is, unless she is unhappy with how she is (and does not blame other people for her reactions), she is unlikely to engage with any sort of assessment.

@givethistokevin you suggested that someone presenting clear autistic traits was a ‘cunt’.

“Based on what you’ve posted I wouldn’t be suggesting it (autism) to her.” I strongly disagree with that and therefore I think your guidance (because guidance is a more accurate word here than advice) was shit.

Really interesting to get input from so many perspectives including a psychologist thank you.

Yes sounds like diagnosis is just a tool to help an attitude shift rather than anything else. I'll have a look at the questionnaire. I sometimes wonder about myself!

Yes that's true saying directly to her what I think probably won't go well. Seeking help has to come from her or it wouldn't work. There's been some good suggestions on here on how to approach it. Not sure I'm brave enough. It almost needs to come from someone impartial but not sure how that would happen.

A diagnosis won't help with the rage. A diagnosis just means those around her, and she herself, can adapt life to make it work better for her. She's not suddenly going to cope better just because of having a reason for her struggles. Meltdowns aren't an anger-management problem they're a not-coping problem. She can no more help it than you can help breathing.

One thing, it would be so much easier for everyone surely if she ate alone? Once she'd adjusted to the change and also realized you aren't trying to exclude her but help her. The can't-stand-chewing thing has a name (misphonia?), it's a thing. Earplugs when she's around others might help too, if she can tolerate them.

Maybe start a conversation about mental health and see how she responds. If she's someone who doesn't believe it exists and people need to pull themselves together, for example, she's not likely to appreciate you suggesting she has a condition.

Does she want to move out? She may be totally against the idea, or have never thought about it and might not be able to imagine what it's like or be worried about the change of it all. A diagnosis will help her get the help she might need to live independently, if she does move out. She doesn't sound as though she'll cope alone without some level of support in her life.

My uncle is 48. He still lives with his mum. He is almost certainly autistic. He struggles with certain day to day things in terms of looking after himself.

His mum is in her 80s now and her health is failing. She strugling with her mobility and is liable to end up needing to go into a home.

My dad is really worried about what happens next. If he had a diagnosis, it's likely he would at least get some kind of support. But that's unlikely to happen, because his step mum (uncle's mum) has always been resistant to the idea.

My parents have talked about him moving closer to them, but I think its depends on how things play out. My Dad is 70 so not in a position to help for too long himself.

My point is that whilst your mum doesn't want to hurt your sisters feelings there is potentially a long term issue here that's not going to go away and will need facing up to at some stage. It depends on your sister's ability to live independently.

The point I was making was that there were not particularly clear traits.

I'm also not the only person who said not to say it to her, but if you think my post was shit that's fine, I don't particularly care what you or anyone else thinks. OP has lots of opinions and she can listen to and ignore whichever she chooses.

The cunt thing, let's not pretend I'm the only guy me who would have said that if OP was posting this about a man.

I’d talk to her about it.

I’m just about to get a diagnosis and so much makes sense now. I wish I’d known earlier. My sister works in the field and has always suspected. It’s a tricky position to be in but I wish she’d brought it up a lot earlier.

I think you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t in your position but personally think the earlier you know the better.

The only person that should say

I wouldn’t because I recognise the traits of ASD and the emotional turmoil that comes with it for the poor sufferer. Male or female. I would be heartbroken if someone called my son a cunt. His struggles are gut wrenching, he is not a cunt.

@Lenald

I'm really sorry that my post has come across badly I genuinely wasn't meaning to call anyone a cunt for being autistic. If it helps I am autistic myself as are my DC, which is why I get tied up in knots in the subject

I was saying a man displaying anger would be called a cunt, or whatever word you choose. You only have to look at the relationship board to see women ousting smith angry men and they get called all sorts. That's what I meant.

I really appreciate that, thank you.

You sound scared of her. One thing to remember is that she may be unwell and unable to help herself at times but that's not the same thing as saying the rest of you have to put up with it. You're entitled to go about normal life in a normal way. If she can't cope with that, adjustments have to be made for everyone's sake, but those can include adjustments from her. It's not everyone else's job to make her happy, she's not a small child but am adult and does need to take responsibility for herself as much as she's able to do so. You need to find ways round difficult things which work for all of you. It's not just a question of her getting her own way all the time to keep her quiet. Behaving like that with her won't help her in life, because the rest of the world isn't going to let her have her own way all the time and she could develop traits of controlling others, which would make her pretty unpleasant to be around and impact on her ability to make and maintain friendships, hold down a job etc. Treading on eggshells isn't the way to go. Diagnosis may or may not be wanted/needed, but you all do need to tackle this. She shares the house with you all, she doesn't rule it.

From an impartial person would probably be if she moves out, doesn't cope, things fall apart and services have to be engaged to help her. Including GP for MH help.

Absolutely agree with needing to address the issue sooner rather than later. I have an aunt (50s) in a similar position, grandmother (70s) was just burying her head in the sand. In the end we had to take control and force things along and arrange suitable accommodation, benefits & therapy as she was never going to do anything practical for fear of upsetting her daughter.

It would be much better for the OPs sister to get a diagnosis and support in place now, while her parents are still around to help support her with therapy and transition to living independently or in supported accommodation.

This is actually such a sweet post x

I hope you do get to help her with this. You sound lovely OP

How are your parents coping with her behaviour? Have they spoken to her about it?
It's sad that they are having to live with her behaviour and, if nothing is said or done then her behaviour might deteriorate as it becomes even more entrenched.

It really needs addressing as , when your parents get older, the behaviour may well become all consuming.

Very odd assumption. Why should she know this by now? It's not that crystal clear at all. 🙄 That's quite an ignorant assumption.

OP I would tell her you've found out about misphonia online. You could drop into conversation that you were researching her sensory issues and found some really good advice under autism as it can result in over stimulation from sensory input.

You can get ear defenders, or earphones that block out some sound. I'd focus on trying to help her manage the symptoms. If she doesn't like eating around people, it's not too big an ask that she can eat separately. Try to remove triggers may help in the long run.

I am scared of her sometimes. She really does properly lose it when she looses it and it can be very intimidating and I worry when the red mist descends she one day may not see the line and cross it. The incident before she moved to Canada (about 20 years ago) involved smashed windows and things. She's better at controlling herself now but still.

I think she has become controlling to a certain degree but addressing her behaviour seems to just set her off more. Being 'tough' and direct seems to be the worst thing and makes her worse for ages. My poor mum has tried it lots of times unsuccessfully.

What the fuck am I reading? At least you can be open about being so ablist. Absolutely disgusting.

What the fuck am I reading? At least you can be open about being so ablist. Absolutely disgusting.

Whatever you are reading it isn't what I intended to say.

That sounds familiar, I would get more angry about being called angry than whatever had made me snap in the first place. It’s an outburst, a flash of emotion, then it’s over. It’s different to anger. (Though I imagine it’s not nice to be on the receiving end of either. I’m learning to get better at controlling it, and when necessary apologising)

I think the ADHD diagnosis has made my husband far more patient with me and has made me far more self-aware of the impact of my ADHD on others. Not just in terms of the ‘rage’ - we had to have a massive clear up over a weekend (clutter and disorganisation can be an ADHD trait) and he left me to sort (mostly my stuff) out in my own way without trying to impose his more sensible/ structured approach which we have tried before and I end up frustrated with. Hyperfocus (another ADHD trait) meant it all got done in time and we were both happy with the result. I know him trying to get me to do it his way would have caused arguments in the past. Anyway I digress…

Yes I think self-regulation and other coping techniques can be learnt. I’m reading all I can to help myself now and I’m seeing an ADHD coach in the new year. PM me if you want to know more.

Same! Tutting, crisp packets being rustled, banging doors. So many different sounds. Absolutely anything to do with food. It reduces me to tears, just can't cope with it and will literally climb through windows to escape.

The thing is a lot of these things overlap as well. Sensory issues and misophonia are really common alongside autism. Sounds that don’t bother other people can really bother us. They can be literally painful. For example, when I was wrapping presents and cutting the wrapping paper the sound of the scissors going through the paper really caused a strong, painful physical sensation in my head. Just awful. And I often ask dh if he can hear something only for him to look at me like I’m crazy. I can hear high pitched sounds meant only for cats etc all that sort of stuff. It’s horrible really!

You're entitled to go about normal life in a normal way. If she can't cope with that, adjustments have to be made for everyone's sake, but those can include adjustments from her.

@Zodiacsigns i think it’s should be
If she can't cope with that, adjustments have to be made for everyone's sake, but those MUST include adjustments from her.

Adjustments for someone who is ND and has just discovered it are fair enough. But I dint think it’s fair to only ask her parents and the OP to adjust. The sister HAS TO play a part too (because as you rightly pointed out she is an adult. And she needs to take responsibility)

Hi Op
Your sister sounds as irritating 🙄 as a friend I have got,
I am going to make it one of my Achievable new years goals list, to fade her out as a friend forever.
Being with her is a constant emotional minefield

I have to tippy toe around her feelings like I am a doing professional ballet, ballerina for Russian Swan Lake performance,
When it comes to my feelings she shouts at me, if I dont get out of her vehicle quick enough even though I have Rumertoid Athritis,
She gets triggered by me asking if a book that would help her health condition could be put by for her in our town libarey,
she gets triggered by me telling her directions of my house, even though she asked me where I lived,
She just likes to rant about all her problems at work,but never asks anything about how I am or about my life,
There is interesting youtube Talk and book by Dr Gabor Mate, (world renowned Psychologyist) awareness support book,
on how constantly people pleasing can seriously wreck your health /give you severe health disorders such as Rumertoid Athritis etc,
I can't rember the name of that book, very interesting read,
Does anybody know the name of this enlightening book?
(Author of famous self help book called the Myth of Normal.