Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Anyone got any success stories of meeting a partner over 36 and having children?

61 replies

namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 16:00

As the titles says really..

I'm really struggling today.. Trying to psyche myself up to permanently end an on/off 8 year relationship with the love of my life. I was married previously (not to him) so I don't say that lightly! Based on his lack of commitment and uncertainty over having children. We've broken up about this before and have had years of these sorts of breaks up and getting back together when his fear of commitment is less than his fear of losing me. I can't keep doing this..

I'm now 36 and after a chemical pregnancy last month he's not getting back on board with trying properly. (Got pregnant last month for the first time ever after trying properly- every 2-3 days). He'd be on board with just seeing what happens but he's got anxieties about commitment and with children obviously being the biggest commitment ever I can't just leave it to maybe naturally happen. I also have premature ovarian failure (seriously low number of eggs left so no idea how long I have left to try and have children... but let's assume no more than a few years) so I can't keep waiting. Possible other fertility issues but at least getting pregnant last month has reassured me a little.

Please don't suggest sperm donor as that's not for me.. so I guess my only other choice is to split up and hope I meet someone else. I do ok on dating apps (been on them over the years of breaking up with him!) but clearly have never met anyone else who's even come close to matching what I have with current partner.

I'm just terrified of ending this with no guarantees of ever meeting someone else who wants what I want with enough time left to have it still...

Success stories would really help

Thanks 😔

OP posts:
CaitoftheCantii · 25/12/2022 16:04

Yes, turned 36 just after meeting my husband - married at 38, had our son at 39.

Original poster
namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 16:08

CaitoftheCantii · 25/12/2022 16:04

Yes, turned 36 just after meeting my husband - married at 38, had our son at 39.

Do you mind me asking how long you waited to try for a baby? So scary to have to think about the balancing act between waiting long enough to know the person is a good partner to have av baby with vs leaving it too long and missing the boat entirely 😢

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 25/12/2022 16:11

My mate! She hit crisis point at precisely 36. Felt like that was it, she ended her relationship for similar reasons to you and thought that she'd have to give up her dream if marriage, kids, the whole shebang. She even turned her spare room into a crafting room.

9 months later she met her man. Married at 39, first baby at 39, second at 41, happy as Larry. With absolutely the right man for her, she totally didn't settle!

Follow your instincts. Best of luck.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hadalifeonce · 25/12/2022 16:13

I met DH when I was 40, we had DS when I was 42, and DD at 45, there can always be some hope.

purpledalmation · 25/12/2022 16:18

Can you freeze some of your eggs to give you more time to meet someone. Split with the commitment phobic boyfriend. He's a waste of time

Whataretheodds · 25/12/2022 16:20

I know loads!
Me: met him when i was 38, through a hobby. Just acquaintances. Got together when i was 39, moved in together 15 months later, pregnant within 6 months after that.
My friend: met him at 35, married 37, 2 kids by 40.

Rainbowshit · 25/12/2022 16:20

Yes, my uncle's sister. Met her DH when late thirties, pregnant at 40.

WarriorN · 25/12/2022 16:22

Yes a friend, met now partner at 40, now has a new house (also camper van, and they rent out her old flats ) and almost one year old baby at 43.

Chisquared · 25/12/2022 16:23

Met DH age 35, married at 37, DS at 39 😀

MikeOxlittle · 25/12/2022 16:27

Met he OH at 35 and had child at 38

tickticksnooze · 25/12/2022 16:28

I'm just terrified of ending this with no guarantees of ever meeting someone else who wants what I want with enough time left to have it still...

I am saying this kindly not snarkily having read some of your other posts and feeling compassion for you - does continuing your current path and committing your entire future to an on-off relationship with someone who won't commit to you feel more or less terrifying than ending it and moving your life forward with new possibilities?

If children were never going to be part of your life, could you find a satisfying meaningful life with this man (given that his flaky behaviour will always be at least part of the reason for not having children) or pursuing something different? I think that would serve you better as a starting point.

Nothing is ever guaranteed but you are essentially wrestling with staying in a familiar dysfunctional situation or going through the discomfort of change to open up the possibility of something different.

Change always feels uncomfortable even when there's not this much riding on it - it might help you in making a decision to separate out the fear of change and the understandable grief at this relationship not ever being what you hoped, from the path that is right for you. (Sunk costs fallacy also springs to mind.)

You sound like fear of change, or wanting to avoid the discomfort of change, has kept you stuck in limbo. Ultimately that will probably become more uncomfortable long term than the temporary discomfort of change could ever be.

Just my observations. I hope you can find a way forward that is right for you.

snowinthesticks · 25/12/2022 16:29

I have two good friends who did this.
Met, married at 37 and had three babies very quickly.
One has just had her 25th anniversary, her DC are 24, 22 and 21.

Piffle11 · 25/12/2022 16:30

I met my now DH when I was just past 36 1/2. We had our first child when I was 38 1/2, and our second when I was a couple of months past 41. He's younger than me by 7 odd years.

Marilla1966 · 25/12/2022 16:30

Met at 36, married at 38, baby 1 at 39 and baby 2 at 41. I never thought it would happen but 12 years after meeting on a blind date, we are happy as ever.

TheUndoing · 25/12/2022 16:30

I think I’ll get pelters for this but honestly in your shoes I’d try bloody hard to get pregnant with your current partner. I think that’s a more realistic option for you at this stage. You love him and clearly he’s on board to some extent…

SnitterBug · 25/12/2022 16:33

TheUndoing · 25/12/2022 16:30

I think I’ll get pelters for this but honestly in your shoes I’d try bloody hard to get pregnant with your current partner. I think that’s a more realistic option for you at this stage. You love him and clearly he’s on board to some extent…

No you are right

PacificallyRequested · 25/12/2022 16:34

If you love him and he loves you, and he's happy to see what happens, then just see what happens. Having kids isn't the be all and end all.

CaitoftheCantii · 25/12/2022 16:35

@namechange1238 I was 38 when we decided to try… couple of months later, I fell pregnant.

It will happen for you - you deserve someone who puts you at the centre of his world! 😉

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/12/2022 16:37

PacificallyRequested · 25/12/2022 16:34

If you love him and he loves you, and he's happy to see what happens, then just see what happens. Having kids isn't the be all and end all.

It is when you want them but can’t have them.

amonsteronthehill · 25/12/2022 16:37

I met my husband just after I turned 36 ... we were married within the year. We went on to have 3 children together, all teenagers now.

TheOtherHotstepper · 25/12/2022 16:38

My SIL. Met her DH at 37, married at 39, DD born a couple of weeks before her 40th birthday. Still married 24 years later

Romeiswheretheheartis · 25/12/2022 16:50

Me - sort of. Met at 40, had dd at 42 (IVF). However we split up when dd was 10, having lived separate lives for a few years. In all honesty I'd settled for him as I'd thought I was being too picky, and tried to make it work, but he was never really 'the one'. Have been single ever since, with my dd.

Original poster
namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 17:16

purpledalmation · 25/12/2022 16:18

Can you freeze some of your eggs to give you more time to meet someone. Split with the commitment phobic boyfriend. He's a waste of time

I have managed to freeze some eggs at 35... but due to the lack of eggs etc, after multiple cycles I've only got 6 eggs.. I know that should provide some comfort but even the statistics for that aren't in my favour as you need 7 eggs at 35 for even a 50% chance of having a baby...but I know I'm very lucky and thankful I have those as a "maybe plan c"

OP posts:
Oatsamazing · 25/12/2022 17:18

I started working with my partner at 38, got together at 39, had DD at 40.

Original poster
namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 17:25

tickticksnooze · 25/12/2022 16:28

I'm just terrified of ending this with no guarantees of ever meeting someone else who wants what I want with enough time left to have it still...

I am saying this kindly not snarkily having read some of your other posts and feeling compassion for you - does continuing your current path and committing your entire future to an on-off relationship with someone who won't commit to you feel more or less terrifying than ending it and moving your life forward with new possibilities?

If children were never going to be part of your life, could you find a satisfying meaningful life with this man (given that his flaky behaviour will always be at least part of the reason for not having children) or pursuing something different? I think that would serve you better as a starting point.

Nothing is ever guaranteed but you are essentially wrestling with staying in a familiar dysfunctional situation or going through the discomfort of change to open up the possibility of something different.

Change always feels uncomfortable even when there's not this much riding on it - it might help you in making a decision to separate out the fear of change and the understandable grief at this relationship not ever being what you hoped, from the path that is right for you. (Sunk costs fallacy also springs to mind.)

You sound like fear of change, or wanting to avoid the discomfort of change, has kept you stuck in limbo. Ultimately that will probably become more uncomfortable long term than the temporary discomfort of change could ever be.

Just my observations. I hope you can find a way forward that is right for you.

Thank you, this post is really meaningful for me and something I need to re read a lot.

I could be happy with him without kids (or rather I would accept it if it wasn't meant to be) if the other commitment side of things felt resolved - if he would marry me and I felt i could relax into the relationship for good I might be able to make my peace with just seeing what happens. But that's not what he's offering me (or at least not until the next time we split up and he panics about losing me again)

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread