Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Anyone got any success stories of meeting a partner over 36 and having children?

61 replies

namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 16:00

As the titles says really..

I'm really struggling today.. Trying to psyche myself up to permanently end an on/off 8 year relationship with the love of my life. I was married previously (not to him) so I don't say that lightly! Based on his lack of commitment and uncertainty over having children. We've broken up about this before and have had years of these sorts of breaks up and getting back together when his fear of commitment is less than his fear of losing me. I can't keep doing this..

I'm now 36 and after a chemical pregnancy last month he's not getting back on board with trying properly. (Got pregnant last month for the first time ever after trying properly- every 2-3 days). He'd be on board with just seeing what happens but he's got anxieties about commitment and with children obviously being the biggest commitment ever I can't just leave it to maybe naturally happen. I also have premature ovarian failure (seriously low number of eggs left so no idea how long I have left to try and have children... but let's assume no more than a few years) so I can't keep waiting. Possible other fertility issues but at least getting pregnant last month has reassured me a little.

Please don't suggest sperm donor as that's not for me.. so I guess my only other choice is to split up and hope I meet someone else. I do ok on dating apps (been on them over the years of breaking up with him!) but clearly have never met anyone else who's even come close to matching what I have with current partner.

I'm just terrified of ending this with no guarantees of ever meeting someone else who wants what I want with enough time left to have it still...

Success stories would really help

Thanks 😔

OP posts:
Farmhouse1234 · 25/12/2022 17:26

Yes, but I had to completely cut someone out of my life in my late 30s. Thank god I did. Met OH late 30s, kids early 40s. Now married. I would have chosen OH and no kids over possible kids with commitment phobe. You’ll end up resenting flakey guy.

speakout · 25/12/2022 17:29

Yes- I met my OH when I was 37 ( after divorce and long term relationship)
Pregnant within 6 weeks ( not planned), second baby two years later.
OH and I still happily together after 23 years

TheBirdintheCave · 25/12/2022 17:34

Yes, a friend's sister met a man at 37, married him at 38 and had a baby at 39 :)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 17:34

TheUndoing · 25/12/2022 16:30

I think I’ll get pelters for this but honestly in your shoes I’d try bloody hard to get pregnant with your current partner. I think that’s a more realistic option for you at this stage. You love him and clearly he’s on board to some extent…

This is what I've been trying to do for the last 8 months or so plus...but obviously it all depends on him as to if that happens as he's the one who has to DTD to enable it! And he's often tired/not in the mood (very stressful job) so we don't manage to DTD enough at the right time at all... and I've got irregular cycles so never know for sure the right time. I guess the last ultimatum was last month and I said we need to try every 2-3 days properly or I was done and (despite it not exactly being smooth sailing..) he stuck with it. And I did get pregnant but obv it turned out to be a chemical 😔

he said all the right things and was really wonderful and saying (how I'd always felt)that it was all about the fear of making the decision and committing to xyz and now it was happening it was meant to be, how much he loved me etc... but then obv it didn't stick and he admitted after he'd felt the familiar panic come back and therefore he's not on board with trying properly again... I didn't push it too much as I thought well it still might happen but obv it didnt with not trying properly! Now with Xmas and new year coming around it reminds me of what I'm missing out...especially after having been pregnant for the first time ever last month and feeling like it was all falling into place finally😔

OP posts:
Hermie12 · 25/12/2022 17:35

Yes! Met my DH when I was 38 and he was 37. Had DD when I was 40.

LaLuz7 · 25/12/2022 17:37

TheUndoing · 25/12/2022 16:30

I think I’ll get pelters for this but honestly in your shoes I’d try bloody hard to get pregnant with your current partner. I think that’s a more realistic option for you at this stage. You love him and clearly he’s on board to some extent…

Why are you so blaze about inflicting an enthusiastic flaky father on a poor innocent child? This not just about what OP wants.

Do the baby's best interest mean nothing at all?

Original poster
namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 17:54

LaLuz7 · 25/12/2022 17:37

Why are you so blaze about inflicting an enthusiastic flaky father on a poor innocent child? This not just about what OP wants.

Do the baby's best interest mean nothing at all?

Show quote history

I do get your point here but I guess I would counter that a) we have no idea if he'll be a rubbish father- we've had many discussions about this and both think he'd be a great father... it's just making the decision to become one and him constantly being unsure if he's "ready" or overthinking etc..b) there's no guarantee of any man who's enthusiastically on board with having a child will even be a good dad- you only have to read the hundreds of posts on here about rubbish men not pulling their weight etc despite claiming they really want them etc c) baby would always know that they were born from love, even if their father has massive commitment issues 😕

OP posts:
notfeelingChristmassy · 25/12/2022 18:02

a friend of mine just gave birth first time a week ago. Her 40th is two months away. She met her now partner when she was nearly 37, he moved during the lockdowns and they started actively trying soon after. She always wanted kids and almost gave up hope when single at 36. You just never know.

Summer2424 · 25/12/2022 18:10

Hi @namechange1238 i split up with my boyfriend of 2 years when i was 37 yrs old. I didn't actively look after him and Covid happened so i lost alot of time. When i did start looking I met my now husband when i was 40 yrs old, we dated for about 3 months, married, i got pregnant and i'm 41 yrs old now with a baby girl.

I don't want to give you any advice as only your heart and gut can tell you what to do but I just wanted to tell you about my journey x

Original poster
namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 18:16

Summer2424 · 25/12/2022 18:10

Hi @namechange1238 i split up with my boyfriend of 2 years when i was 37 yrs old. I didn't actively look after him and Covid happened so i lost alot of time. When i did start looking I met my now husband when i was 40 yrs old, we dated for about 3 months, married, i got pregnant and i'm 41 yrs old now with a baby girl.

I don't want to give you any advice as only your heart and gut can tell you what to do but I just wanted to tell you about my journey x

thanks for this (and for all the other success stories)

I'd actually split from him last time just before covid so then I feel like I basically lost almost 2 years thanks to covid...I did try and date but obviously it was really difficult with all the lockdowns/rules and I ended up going back to him unofficially if not officially until more recently. Those lost covid years make me so upset too... those prime childbearing/ finding the right man in my 30s years gone 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange1238 · 25/12/2022 18:19

Farmhouse1234 · 25/12/2022 17:26

Yes, but I had to completely cut someone out of my life in my late 30s. Thank god I did. Met OH late 30s, kids early 40s. Now married. I would have chosen OH and no kids over possible kids with commitment phobe. You’ll end up resenting flakey guy.

@Farmhouse1234 what do you mean re cutting them out of your life? do you mean an ex? that terrifies me too... more than the thought of not being in a romantic relationship with him but not having him in my life at all anymore.. we've often stayed in touch even when we've not been together.... although have managed to break communication for months at a time when I've been in different relationships..

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 25/12/2022 18:22

@namechange1238 yes me too i lost those prime years during Covid 😪 i could have been on baby number 2 by now.
Hope things work out for you, sending you bubba happy vibes xx

pottyproblems87 · 25/12/2022 18:25

The other way round, I met my husband when he was 36. He'd given up hope of having kids as he'd already been divorced and then a couple of long term relationships ended.
Fortunately it was easier for us as I am 10 years younger so we didn't have the fertility issues to consider. However we had DC1 when he was 37 and DC2 when he was 39.

We didn't hang around as he really wanted to not leave it to long and enjoy his kids being young whilst he had the energy etc. it's all worked out perfectly & were (for the most part) a very happy family.

Get rid of your partner. Love is great and all but ultimately you have to be compatible with someone which means sharing the same overall goals in life and children is pretty huge.

Could you freeze your eggs? Possible option incase you did need IVF later etc.

I think you need to have a think about what it is you want, children, or a conventional two parent family, because as harsh as it is, time isn't on your side and if you want children more than anything you may need to do it solo. Would it be any different than getting pregnant by your current partner and him walking out because he's not invested?

Littlepaws18 · 25/12/2022 18:34

I got out of a really messed up relationship at 33, by 36 met my husband who is wonderful, had a baby at 39 (wasn't easy but not impossible) and I feel like I won the lottery. It can happen! X

curvymumma79 · 25/12/2022 18:40

Yes. It's was me and DS for 8 years after I divorced his dad.

Met a man online (met several, but this is the only one that stuck) he sold his flat, we bought a house together, had a baby when I was 40 and got married at 43.

Deedippy · 25/12/2022 18:49

Yep previous marriage and a 4 year old at the time. Met via old a few days before my 36th birthday. Had done quite a bit of dating in the previous few years but was very happy just me and my dd and not really looking for anything serious. He was only 4 months out of a 15 year marriage and not looking for commitment. By the second date we both new this was something amazing. As it turned out my fertility had taken a huge dip but dd2 turned up just before I was 40 with the help of IVF. Together nearly 10 years and it's still the most amazing relationship I've ever had. There is definitely hope

AuxArmesCitoyens · 25/12/2022 19:15

I did BUT not straight out of a no-hope relationship. Get yourself 6 months if therapy first and see if you still think of an on again off again commitmentphobe as the live of your life.

RambamThankyouMam · 25/12/2022 19:21

Yep!

Met a bloke when I was 36.

Engaged at 37.

Pregnant then married at 38.

DD born when I was 39.

DS conceived when I was 41. He's due next month.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 25/12/2022 19:23

Not me but SIL. Met DB with 38, first baby with 40, second baby with 42. Fell pregnant immediately with DC1.

Keeptryingtobe · 25/12/2022 19:33

Met my partner around 36, we have been doing IVF for the past few years. Fingers crossed for the next round. I had no fertility issues originally (secondary) but with age I have developed issues. If you are serious about children stop wasting time and make it your number one priority would be my suggestion. Even if that means doing it on your own. I have friends who did it on their own and are delighted , also they are in much better positions than friends who are now seperate from their flakey ex partners

Keeptryingtobe · 25/12/2022 19:35

AuxArmesCitoyens · 25/12/2022 19:15

I did BUT not straight out of a no-hope relationship. Get yourself 6 months if therapy first and see if you still think of an on again off again commitmentphobe as the live of your life.

I agree with this too,if you break up don't just jump into another relationship. Give yourself space to recover and get to know yourself and what you want

Farmhouse1234 · 25/12/2022 22:06

How are you going to find someone else when you are in love with flakey on off ex? Everyone you meet, you’ll compare them to flakey flake.
I guess you could hope you have one of those thunderbolt experiences - where you fall immediately in love with someone new. Most people who are in happy relationships didn’t happen like that though. Besides who wants to date someone who is hung up on someone else? No one.

so yes, no contact. The only way.

Flakey flake will eventually move on to someone else and what will you be left with? No chance of having kids with someone else.

sorry to be blunt. I feel for you, I really do. But you are kidding yourself if you think this will end up in happy ever after. Please don’t cling on. You’re worth more.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 25/12/2022 22:19

I would also place a bet that if you do split FlakyBoy will have kids with someone else by the time you're forty. If YOU want kids, you have to make it your priority. Be ruthless in sorting yourself out so you are in a good place to meet someone non-flaky. How would you feel about being a stepmum BTW?

Original poster
namechange1238 · 26/12/2022 00:31

AuxArmesCitoyens · 25/12/2022 22:19

I would also place a bet that if you do split FlakyBoy will have kids with someone else by the time you're forty. If YOU want kids, you have to make it your priority. Be ruthless in sorting yourself out so you are in a good place to meet someone non-flaky. How would you feel about being a stepmum BTW?

I've always felt I'm not keen on being a step mum before as I've always thought then any children I had would have to come second to the existing children...but as time goes on I am thinking I would consider it more. I do genuinely love children and always have done so I'm someone who would want to be a mother or mother figure if it was that or no maternal role at all....
I live in big city though so there's lots of childfree people here still at ages I would date so might still not be something I'd need to consider yet..

OP posts:
suzyscat · 26/12/2022 09:16

I know 6 couples who hadn't met the person they are happily married to now at 36. 5 of those have a child/ children and the other couple are only going to start trying in the new year.

It's actually really common now IME. So much so I have to keep editing my post as I keep thinking of more. Actually there's a lovely lady in my gym who didn't start having kids till 40 and has two beautiful children.