Do you give exact arrival times when travelling to see your parents?

[Toilin]

If your parents live around 1.5-2 hours away, and you have arranged to go and see them for the day or for the weekend…

How precise are you around your arrival time? Are you asked to give an exact time that you must stick to, do you give a window, or do you just say (for example) ‘afternoon’ and that’s ok?

You do know what will happen if you arrive exactly on the dot though, don't you? She'll spend the entire visit constantly going on about how you arrived on time, and telling you that if you can manage it on this occasion, how come you've always messed her about before.

When we travel to BIL who lives in the Hebrides. We give morning or afternoon initially as we in South west England. We then text when we get to Gretna Green (5 hours to the border on a good day).
The ferry crossings make the difference between a 10 or 12 hour journey. A longer mainland route with 2 ferries; or a shorter mainland journey with a longer ferry journey, plus a longer drive up the island.

Mine are a couple of hours away. I give a vague time as the traffic can be so unpredictable.

After one trip when I was stuck on the M23 for 3 hours not able to make a phone call, I learned never to let them know as I was leaving.

My dad’s another one who’ll say, “You’re early/late,” if you’re even one minute before/past the ETA. I tend to give an hour window and then update as necessary for accuracy, even if it means waiting round the corner ready to turn up exactly on time. Admittedly, I’m also obsessive about time, my DH’s habit of vaguely muttering, “I’ll be there around teatime,” drives me insane.

I’d give a time.
I would expect the same. I’d want to be able to plan and get on with my day not wait until they drop in during a 5 hour window of ‘morning’ or ‘afternoon’.

We live 3 hours away from all family. I tend to discuss a rough time beforehand (eg 2ish) and then I'll always message to say when we're leaving on the day. (Also let them know if we're delayed etc). I was brought up to believe it was polite to do so.

My in-laws are not like this at all and frankly it drives me nuts. They'll say a day they might come and then don't communicate or reply to any messages. So this weekend just gone we started getting the house ready early Saturday morning (had no clue whether they were even coming but needed to wash guest bedding, get sofa bed out etc just in case). Then at 10am they said they'd confirm by late morning that they were setting off. We heard nothing from them until 4:30pm saying they were just leaving. They got here bang on our kids' bedtime. I was not happy. But this is better than previous occasions when they've not said if they're definitely coming and then called to say they're nearly at ours (!)

I think to not communicate with hosts is just really rude and inconsiderate (even if it's family) as it's basically saying "My time and plans are more valuable than yours, so you just change your schedule to meet mine".

I am going to try the approach of giving a planned leaving time rather than an arrival time!

I'd tell them a time and expect to arrive 10 mins either side. If it moved more than that I'd let them know. Waiting for adult children who are out on the roads etc and late is very stressful.

My parents, when visiting, would give an eta and set off in plenty of time to the extent that they often arrived in the area quite early but would sit in the car down the road until their due time! (I found this out later).

We would give approx time (ie. Around 11) of when we hope to arrive, and then call en route to confirm, especially if delayed.

I just used to share my location on iphone with my dad who was 80, then he knew when I was going to arrive

Can't you just say 'we'll be there between 3 and 4 dependant on traffic'?

I would saw "I aim to be there at around 11. I'll let you know if it is going to be very different."

I think your DM is being extremely unfair. It's basically impossible to be that precise when travelling that distance with roads etc.

To answer your question we give the DPs/DPILs a rough idea before hand, then text when we leave with the Google Maps ETA, then update if/when we stop if the small child needs a loo break or if it radically changes due to an accident or something.

When the DPs come here we have an agreement that they message when they leave (approx 1.5hrs), and then when they pass a particular junction about 10/15 mins out (mostly so I can put the kettle on!). With the DPIL they tend to message an ETA when they're about halfway here, so about an hour or so out.

The only way to meet your DM's expectations would be to tell her a time about half an hour later than your best estimate, and then stop for a cuppa 2 mins round the corner to get the arrival time perfect - and that is a ridiculous expectation!

Feel your pain.

I live 4 hours away. Completely agree it's rude to be too vague so I'll give a rough time (maybe an hour window) and then maybe update on the way if needs be. I have traffic, kids, services etc to deal with.

For some reason they insist on trying to cook so that they're ready to serve food as I walk in the house. I have no idea why - doesn't matter what time of day it is, and I've told them to relax and we can sort food out when we get there, or they can cook when we get there (I'm talking pasta and sauce type meals here rather than anything fancy).

They then spend the rest of the time moaning about me being late - even if it's 5 mins, and the drive has been over 4 hours.

Drives me insane. I know they need to know, but feel they create an issue when there's no need for one. No idea what their thinking is.

God mine too when they could travel. Bonkers. This was when they only lived 90 mins away. Left about 6 hours early. Brought a flash and sandwiches and sat nearby.

Weirdos.

@Toilin Has she ever driven a car? You can't be early, you can't be late... she sounds like a nightmare. My own mother drives me batshit & she can't handle change, even if it's for the better, but she'd be thrilled if I turned up early (or at all!). She's 12,000 nimes away, it has advantages as well as disadvantages.

if you go by car, try getting there early and waiting in the car until your appointed time!! (Where she can see you).

Early guests can be a bit unsettling, but not your own daughter FGS.

I live on the South Coast, and used to travel up to London to see my Mum. I would give her an idea of when I was coming, and call her when I was leaving with an idea of what the traffic was like. She could ring me enroute if she was concerned.

I could be you if you like! I wouldn't mind a mystery christmas!! 😂

you say ‘mum I can’t give you an exact time as I don’t know what the traffic’s like’ the call when you leave and when you’re half way there.

it’s better than my mother in law who twice when we’ve had small children and we’ve driven 6 hrs to her house wasn’t in. (The third time it happened we were collecting her for a holiday and I left - no small children this time we were all just annoyed).
it was local though and we went to go and get her the following day.

I like to know what time people will arrive so I can go to the gym or pop to shops first. If I visit friends or family, I'll say a time and will get there within 10 mins of that. The same if my parents say 11am to me, I'd expect around 11am (they're always half an hour late but do text to let me know!)

She is BU but it sounds like it is anxiety-driven, so it may be difficult for you to set reasonable boundaries. Do you have young kids, OP? If not, I would be tempted to tell your DM that you'll arrive an hour after you actually intend to get to her area. Then, assuming I arrived early, I'd have a coffee locally, until it was time to go to her house. That way, I could guarantee my arrival time, but without feeling stressed out. But I appreciate it would be a PITA to do this with young DC.

@nevermindtherind

Oh yes, my DM is like this re food! It's lovely that she wants to have food ready of course but I spend most of the trip in a cold sweat that we'll be late (inevitably we are) & that she'll be cross ( she will). I feel instantly like a bold child & it really affects my enjoyment of the stay.

Truthfully too, I feel annoyed with myself for not being more organised re my schedule so that's also part of it.