Feel shit after therapy session

[Therapee]

TLDR: I feel really let down by my therapist for not holding a space in which I could just talk about my sadness and anger. I'm dreading seeing her again in the new year, and seriously considering ending therapy with her. However my "logical" brain is telling me I should "work through" this with her.

Okay, so it's probably important to mention that I'm actually a therapist myself, and have been in practice for nearly a decade. I'm mentioning this as I'm feeling embarrassed and at a loss regarding my feelings of hurt after today's session.

I've been seeing my therapist for over 2.5 years, and I respect her hugely, but also find it hard be truly open with her. I put this down to a combination of my tendency to be quite repressed, and her way of working is not at all "soft and fluffy", which can make it scary to relax and open up more. However I've been building trust and taking more risks recently with expressing my feelings with her.

Something happened with my sister last week, and I felt really hurt by it. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment as it finally dawned on me that my sister just doesn't care for me as much as I do her. In addition to that, there's a long-standing pattern of my mum "refusing to take sides" even when my sister has done something shitty. In fact, I tend to be painted as making a fuss over nothing.

Just to give an example from the past: my sister booked her wedding day for the same week as my due date. I live hundreds of miles away, and made it clear that I wouldn't be able to come on that date. I was pregnant and she knew the due date before booking her wedding, btw. My mum backed up my sister, and there was a general tone of me being a pessimist/fusspot, and of course I'd make it there. Obviously I didn't (being several days overdue by that point), and I was gutted not to be there.

Anyway, I was telling therapist how hurt and angry I was with sister for the most recent incident, and how I really don't feel able to express this hurt and angry directly to sister. My experience tells me that she will deny/ignore/twist it round to me being unreasonable, and to put myself out there again would feel pointless and masochistic. I expected that she would let me vent about it, and maybe show some sympathy.

Instead she kept noting that I have a part to play in this disappointing relationship, and that I am "shutting down" possibilities by not communicating with sister. I felt even more hurt and angry about this, as it reminded me of my mum "not taking sides". I tried telling therapist this, and she went on to say that I was shutting her down. To be clear, I wasnt shouting, or talking over her, I was trying to listen and understand her take on it, but was also feeling pretty let down and tearful.

We now have a three week break, and I just feel shit. Ironically I'd previously just had a therapy session with a client who thanked me for giving her the space to talk about her feelings of hurt, and for telling her how sorry I was that she'd experienced that. That's all I did, no clever "interventions", and that's really all I wanted for myself.

Not sure what I want from this post... Sympathy? Some encouragement to persevere? Just any wise words really that'll make me feel less shit.

I'll give you sympathy. The therapist sounds lacking. Honestly, it may be time for a change. Like any form of coaching or self improvement, sometimes you need to switch to learn more from another person.

Change therapist. Your rational brain knows she's good on paper but it's horses for courses and if she's not right for you then find someone who is. Good luck!

I'm sorry you can't count on your Mum to stand up for you, your sister sounds quite entitled. Of course your therapist should have let you vent!
Seems to me she's needing to work on her countertransference, it's like she was reacting rather than listening..

How do your feel about changing therapist? Can you have a session with a few and decide which therapist suits you the best?

Your therapist made you agree because you felt she was acting the way your mother does?
Even if she was doing so, she doesn’t have your mother’s motivation for doing so, or your mother’s lack of care for you - your therapist is neutral.
So I think you need to separate the feeling that she was acting like your mother. A knowledge that it was difficult because of the similarity, but that it was coming from an entirely different person.

Do you want your therapist to listen to you vent and sympathise? Presumably not really, as you’ve stuck with her for 2.5 years when she’s not like that.

She’s right - you are shutting down possibilities. But you can tell her - yes, and I’m confident that’s the right thing for me to do, let’s move on.

I’m curious why you’re still with a therapist whose style you don’t like, and sound almost disdainful of “clever intervention” - which is surely more the role of a therapist than listening and sympathising? (I mean: they can do all 3, but if it’s only the latter 2, they’re not a therapist)

You know therapy isn’t easy… I’d stick with it.

*made you angry, not agree!

The thought of starting from scratch with someone else is hard though. Plus, there's a big part of me suspecting this is all my fault somehow. That I'm just too thick to understand what she was getting at, or that maybe I really am a "fusspot" and I should just listen/communicate better.

"So I think you need to separate the feeling that she was acting like your mother. A knowledge that it was difficult because of the similarity, but that it was coming from an entirely different person." yes, that's helpful.

And I do know therapy isn't just about venting and sympathising, but I also know that timing is everything when it comes to interventions, and this just felt so off.

I didn't realise I could "allow" myself to change therapist, but I was really glad I did! I also like my current therapist because when I felt she hadn't been sufficiently sympathetic and got upset, she apologised as she realised that that was a need I had that she'd not recognised that time (the phrase she used was "I dropped the ball there!"). My best friend is also seeing a therapist, and she sounds totally different. Mine is really sympathetic (using that term in a layman's sense) and gentle although she does question me.. My friend's is the opposite, she's a straight talker, very blunt. We always joke about how we'd really hate each other's if we swapped 😆 so I wonder if you just need one who's a better match? It is really horrible though, especially if you've worked with her for so long! Good luck xx

What sort of therapy are you having? 2.5 years is a long time to be in therapy, especially if you only just feel you can open up. Wouldn’t you be better trying a different approach? Person centered counselling?

It is objectively correct that you are shutting down possibilities by not communicating with your sister. However that seems like a harsh thing to say and I'm sorry you felt hurt, I understand why.

I know very little about therapy and have never undertaken it myself. However aren't therapists supposed to talk through objective facts with you, and discuss the hurt it might bring up? Is being sympathetic really what you pay them for? I'm not sure. As someone that has no experience in this, I think you might have been better off discussing with a friend for acknowledgement and (well deserved) sympathy. It's my understanding that therapy involves sometimes facing difficult truths head on x

@DongDing your post is making me well up. I really really wish I had a gentle and sympathetic therapist right now.

@BungleandGeorge I'm a person-centred (and psychodynamic) therapist! I definitely needed someone more person centred today...

I guess at the heart of it I was coming to the session having at last come to a fairly devastating realisation that a) my sister really doesn't care about me as I thought she did and b) I'd be a fool to keep chasing after a relationship that doesn't really exist, and for me that means there's really no point in baring my heart/explaining how hurt I feel by her actions, as sister's response is highly likely to make me feel even worse.

I expected my therapist to be more respectful of that decision, and just allow me to grieve for the relationship, but instead I felt kind of lectured.

"I was trying to listen and understand her take on it"

It doesn't sound like you were? It's OK to say that you don't want to be challenged or to try and reframe things but its sounds like you are conflicted

Honestly in my experience therapy needs to be challenging in order to make change

Seeing as you’re a therapist yourself, if someone else came on here looking for similar advice, what advice would you give?

"2.5 years is a long time to be in therapy,"

Is it? Psychoanalysis goes on for decades doesn't it? And some people who are therapists are supposed to go to therapy themselves more or less permanently from what I understand. Maybe it depends on the kind of therapy.

"Even if she was doing so, she doesn’t have your mother’s motivation for doing so, or your mother’s lack of care for you - your therapist is neutral."

Could she have been encouraging OP to transfer her feelings?

Are you both the same modality? I’d also be in the change therapist camp - I say this as a therapist who recently changed from someone of the same modality to something different

"Honestly in my experience therapy needs to be challenging in order to make change"

You can be challenged gently though.

@Countsinpotatoes I really was trying to listen/understand while also feeling really upset. I asked questions to clarify what she was meaning, and I explained that I was having trouble getting it.

I chose her precisely because I enjoy being challenged, and am often very grateful for her take on situations. I can hand on heart say that I don't want someone who just gives reassurances and platitudes, but really my "lightbulb moment" about my sister this week just needed some acceptance and kindness. I'd already come to the "hard truth" by myself!

You’re a therapist so you probably know that this is potentially a big opportunity for you to address the issues you have with your mother, in your therapist’s office.

Your therapist’s reaction sounds pretty rubbish, but as you’ve been seeing her for 2.5 years and you like and trust her, you should be able to tell her in your next session that you were upset by her response, and work through it in a way you probably wouldn’t be able to with your mother.

I think being able to voice dissatisfaction with a therapist is like advanced therapy, and a big part of the “re-parenting” aspect of therapy. Because of your family dynamics, you don’t feel able to stand up to your mother or tell her how you feel. You should be able to work through these feelings and practice speaking uncomfortable truths in the safety of your relationship with your therapist. If she’s any good, she’ll be able to hear this and work with you on this.

Obviously you need to keep yourself safe and you shouldn’t continue with this therapist if you’re not getting anything out of the relationship. But before you jump ship, I think you should give yourself the chance to practice the uncomfortable conversations your mother and sister have trained you to avoid, even if your therapist doesn’t respond adequately.

"Could she have been encouraging OP to transfer her feelings?" I actually wondered that myself and she kept talking about how something powerful was being recreated between us, but quite frankly it would be weird and manipulative to "encourage" transference in this way.

I'm person-centred as well, and would have found your therapist's approach tricky.

Whether I stuck with it would depend on a lot of things.
I would possibly try another session and talk through some of this and see what the response was, and how you felt about it all.

Most of us have had a session where we've kicked ourselves afterwards, brought it to supervision and been ready to discuss it all (an appropriate amount) with a client after a break to reflect.

I think sometimes people can have deep-seated stuff around 'family should stick together' etc that can end up being expressed in the therapy room, as well - it might end up being helpful to find a therapist who's better around people creating distance with family members, and boundaries.
But that's just a hunch - it might not be that at all.

X-posts.

::shudder::

@2022you that's a good question, and I'm not sure why I can't answer it.

@Andonebelow that's really helpful, thank you.

Thanks everyone who's replied. I feel a bit less shit having got it off my chest.

I’ve had a therapist who clearly had a ‘view’. In her case it was her view that me going back to work would solve all my problems (despite the fact I had an SEN child and no childcare). It felt very damaging. Now that I have some years of distance, am less vulnerable etc I wish I’d just got a new therapist. They should be someone who makes talking to them feel easy.
So here is your permission to abandon your ‘sink costs’ of 2.5 years and find a new therapist or even find a new, new one after the new one doesn’t click. Keep going until you find someone who feels safe.