Feel shit after therapy session

[Therapee]

TLDR: I feel really let down by my therapist for not holding a space in which I could just talk about my sadness and anger. I'm dreading seeing her again in the new year, and seriously considering ending therapy with her. However my "logical" brain is telling me I should "work through" this with her.

Okay, so it's probably important to mention that I'm actually a therapist myself, and have been in practice for nearly a decade. I'm mentioning this as I'm feeling embarrassed and at a loss regarding my feelings of hurt after today's session.

I've been seeing my therapist for over 2.5 years, and I respect her hugely, but also find it hard be truly open with her. I put this down to a combination of my tendency to be quite repressed, and her way of working is not at all "soft and fluffy", which can make it scary to relax and open up more. However I've been building trust and taking more risks recently with expressing my feelings with her.

Something happened with my sister last week, and I felt really hurt by it. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment as it finally dawned on me that my sister just doesn't care for me as much as I do her. In addition to that, there's a long-standing pattern of my mum "refusing to take sides" even when my sister has done something shitty. In fact, I tend to be painted as making a fuss over nothing.

Just to give an example from the past: my sister booked her wedding day for the same week as my due date. I live hundreds of miles away, and made it clear that I wouldn't be able to come on that date. I was pregnant and she knew the due date before booking her wedding, btw. My mum backed up my sister, and there was a general tone of me being a pessimist/fusspot, and of course I'd make it there. Obviously I didn't (being several days overdue by that point), and I was gutted not to be there.

Anyway, I was telling therapist how hurt and angry I was with sister for the most recent incident, and how I really don't feel able to express this hurt and angry directly to sister. My experience tells me that she will deny/ignore/twist it round to me being unreasonable, and to put myself out there again would feel pointless and masochistic. I expected that she would let me vent about it, and maybe show some sympathy.

Instead she kept noting that I have a part to play in this disappointing relationship, and that I am "shutting down" possibilities by not communicating with sister. I felt even more hurt and angry about this, as it reminded me of my mum "not taking sides". I tried telling therapist this, and she went on to say that I was shutting her down. To be clear, I wasnt shouting, or talking over her, I was trying to listen and understand her take on it, but was also feeling pretty let down and tearful.

We now have a three week break, and I just feel shit. Ironically I'd previously just had a therapy session with a client who thanked me for giving her the space to talk about her feelings of hurt, and for telling her how sorry I was that she'd experienced that. That's all I did, no clever "interventions", and that's really all I wanted for myself.

Not sure what I want from this post... Sympathy? Some encouragement to persevere? Just any wise words really that'll make me feel less shit.

Another one for change your therapist. I've had four therapists on and off over a period of twelve years. The first three ended seeing me for their own reasons - first one retired, second was quite old and got ill, third one saw me through a period of severe anxiety and kind of made it clear I didn't need long term therapy with her. Naturally left me with feelings of abandonment because of a childhood with a scapegoating mother but did cure the anxiety I was experiencing.

I decided to give a male therapist a go and haven't looked back. I am completely NC with my whole family now (it happened in stages, my decision) and it's been life changing for me. My self esteem and confidence is great. I am finally able to set boundaries with people which has improved my relationships immensely. I feel that we clicked where as I always felt a bit intimidated by the other therapists, couldn't open up. I only attend monthly now as a top up and it's like meeting an old friend (whose happy to just let me talk about myself ☺️)

Would that help you?

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink I've mentioned previously that whenever I express my anger to sister and mum, I'm told I'm making a fuss about nothing. With the most recent incident I was initially annoyed with myself for not speaking up and putting myself through the wringer again, then I realised that given our history this is probably the least worst option, and I don't have to feel bad for not speaking up. I did want a space to debrief about it, and to talk about my anger and sadness.

I only started to get upset with therapist when she kept banging on about me shutting possibilities down, and that I wanted sister to "agree" with me, which I definitely didn't. I had been hoping sister would just acknowledge that she'd broken my trust and maybe express some remorse for this. She might not "agree" with my value system, but that's different.

My initial thought was that you should talk it through with your therapist before deciding whether to stick with her or to change. But the more you've explained, the more I think just get a new therapist. Sounds like you're stuck in this pattern with all the people in your life: knowing that they're not good for you but feeling like you can't walk away. Your feelings are completely valid, whether or not your therapist or family supports or understands them.

Can I ask though, do you plan to be in therapy forever? I've had a lot (a lot!) of trauma in my life and I've had a few short bouts of therapy. Each time I've had clear goals for what I wanted to get out of it, and when I've met those goals, or understood what I need to do to meet those goals, I've ended the therapy.

The idea of being in therapy for years and years sounds so depressing. Like dwelling and ruminating on problems rather than actually solving them. Maybe that's just my personality, I don't know. Or my bank balance talking!

@beastlyslumber yeah the long term therapy thing is an odd one. I have several clients who I've been seeing for 5+ years (and we're both that this is the right thing for them). I've also had many other clients who I've worked with for much shorter periods of time (and that's been great!).

When it comes to myself I thought it would be good to be in long term therapy, partly because it might help me professionally (to experience long term therapy from "the inside"), but I suppose this whole experiences had shown me that my own process is quite slow. It's taken this long to get to this point!

I'm sorry that in this session your needs at the time we not met.

Maybe the therapist thought you were at a different stage for this session and misjudged her response? Perhaps the next steps for you is to acknowledge that you have a point, your needs weren't met at the time and to say it to your therapist? Isn't part of the function of therapy to learn how to "reparent" yourself and heal those childhood wounds?

FWIW, as somebody who was also treated as a bit of a fuss pot, the realisation that the weird family dynamic is not my fault was so liberating and I hope you start to feel free soon too.

My first thought is what are you hoping to achieve through your therapy sessions? If it’s just a sounding board/place to vent then to my mind that’s what friends are for. They’ll always change your back.

This therapist sounds like she’s challenging your patterns of behaviour. It’s clear that there’s a family dynamic at play where all of you are playing your part and it sounds to me like she’s trying to show that you are also caught in your own pattern. As are most of us!!!

My family dynamic sounds similar to yours. A sibling that exhibits poor behaviour and a parent who refuses to acknowledge that and instead it somehow becomes my fault. The difference in my case is I recognise that I play my part by being very brittle and inflexible within this dynamic. I’m basically ‘done’ and my expectations of change are zero. So I wouldn’t pay anyone money to hear me moan about it as I’ve accepted IT WILL NEVER CHANGE 🤭

It sounds like a fair assumption that she won’t apologise if she has never apologised about anything in 2.5 years.

Most people don’t need prompting, they volunteer it, particularly in these sorts of low-stakes, everyday scenarios. In cases like being late for an appointment or invoicing an incorrect amount it’s nbd but you would expect just an ‘apologies!’ or something similar.

You’re taking a lot of responsibility for how she’s choosing to conduct herself (ie declining to do something normal and expected).

I think it’s laudable speaking up if it’s bothering you (honestly, most people expect a brief apology for lateness, and there’s an assumed understanding that it’s the polite thing to do) but it’s definitely not on you to prompt her.

It sounds good with your sister that you’ve recognised her crappy behaviour is to do with her and ultimately is her choosing (having maturely communicated that it upsets you and her having not endeavoured to heal the rupture or respect the boundaries you have communicated).
It can be both freeing and a cause for grief to recognise the person is as they are and not as we would like or reasonably expect them to be.

My take (and obviously take it with a pinch of salt as it’s just going on the few posts here!) is that the parallel with sister and therapist is you taking on responsibility for them declining to show normal standards of care and respect.

You’re trying to a lot of fix things and work out how you can influence the situation, while the person actually responsible doesn’t seem too bothered.

The ‘being challenging’ thing can (and should?) be done in a way that is considered and sensitive to the particulars of the situation and feels safe. If her only MO is being challenging then it sounds more like a case of ‘everything’s a nail if all you’ve got is a hammer’. Sounds like her repertoire might be a bit limited if that’s always her go-to response.

It's taken this long to get to this point!

Probably would have gone a lot faster if you had a therapist who felt safe to open up to!

I guess one question is, is this relationship a safe enough space to finally get angry and stand up for yourself, even if their response is inadequate and that means telling them that they are not good enough for you and leaving? (It might be adequate and healing) I think you might be ready to graduate therapy and this is your process not hers. See what want when it comes to the next session, do it and see where it takes you. If you have to go around the cycle a few more times to see it clearly that is ok.

'I'm not like a psychiatrist who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ever get better.'

Daphne, from Frasier

Have it out. My therapist isn't particularly soft and fluffy either, although he can be gentle when needed. I've been with him nearly 3 years and over that 3 years one thing we've both learned is how push each others buttons.

God knows we can never be accused of avoiding conflict but sometimes conflict helps. It sort of reinforces to me that conflict is OK. It doesn't have to be relationship ending and it doesn't matter who's fault it is. Nothing can be resolved if one of you isn't aware of it.

I'd try to work it through. It's possibly going to come up with any therapist anyway. They all can make mistakes and accidentally hurt you, they're human after all.

'I've been seeing my therapist for over 2.5 years, and I respect her hugely, but also find it hard be truly open with her'.

If you don't feel you can be open with her after 2.5 years, it's unlikely ever happen. You'll never be able to truly progress unless your barriers are down.

I'd change therapist.

Don't knock how this has happened. Its ingrained in you through the years. Its just untwisting it until you can break free.

If you manage it, let me know how!!!

It feels like a time for grieving. Perhaps a get and then grieving. There is so much grieving and loss to process when you have these realisations.

Much much later you may want to consider your role in the dynamic and what possibilities there are. But that can’t be done until the anger is worked through and the pain is expressed.

Also, sometimes the role one plays in these things is very little and sometimes there are no real possibilities. There is just loss.

I am sorry OP that you experienced this with your therapist. In these moments they are there to be there with you and for you. You needed to feel felt. To have a space to share your pain.

switchibg therapist might feel daunting. How long will it take to get another person up to speed etc. but what if you feel safe, can open, what is your unconscious can trust the therapist very quickly?
i can’t imagine attending for 2.5 years and not feeling totally safe, totally heard. Of course, id want to feel challenged. But the timings of interventions is key. If the alliance isn’t deep and formed in 2.5 years I would walk away. If it’s a rupture that can be healed then that is different (and essential!) but that isn’t what I think you are saying. Work through your projections, think about what is happening here in the dynamic that mirrors your pattern but if you get through all that and are still left with An unformed alliance then I would ask myself why again, I am coping (and paying) for something that doesn’t meet my needs.

Meant to say ‘perhaps anger and then grieving’ in first line
have a tiny baby in arms
hopegully you can understand the gist of what I’m saying enough!

I am a therapist and most of the people I work with are therapists too. It’s a tricky dynamic at times for various reasons.

However for me one key fundamental is the therapeutic relationship and building a trusting relationship which can be hard due to trauma and attachment issues for both the person in therapy and the therapist own history. It does sound to me and I am happy to be wrong is that you don’t feel safe enough in this relationship to be vulnerable and not judged? You are also sounding as if you are not validated or heard by this person. I think one of the the most powerful things we can do as therapists is bear witness to people stories and truths and she wasn’t hearing yours on this occasion.

Whilst it might be hard to start again if you can’t talk about this pain and not being heard, you are potentially in danger of replicating the dynamic with your mum and sister with them.

Challenge should occur in therapy but not in a manner that makes the person feel unheard or invalidated it should be empathetic.

sorry for a rambling reply 😀 I just thought I might share my perspective on how this may of made you feel

@Lightsbonaza

It feels like a time for grieving. Perhaps a get and then grieving. There is so much grieving and loss to process when you have these realisations.

Much much later you may want to consider your role in the dynamic and what possibilities there are. But that can’t be done until the anger is worked through and the pain is expressed.

Also, sometimes the role one plays in these things is very little and sometimes there are no real possibilities. There is just loss.

Spot on

I'm assuming your sister didn't have a baby before she was married. If that's the case, I think she was really trying to steal your thunder by planning a wedding day at the time you were due to give birth. She was also forcing your mother to make a choice between both of you. Would your mother attend her wedding or would she be at the hospital waiting to see the new baby? Your mother clearly chose the latter.

If one of my children planned their wedding for the day that the other child was due to give birth, I would have a very very strong word with them and tell them not to be such an attention seeker.

You are absolutely right to feel hurt by your sisters behaviour. You are also right to feel hurt. By the way your mother panders to your sister and blames you for your own feelings.

Just as a domestic violence victim often chooses another bully as their next partner, I think you have chosen badly when you chose this therapist. You can get a divorce from the therapist though and you can tell them exactly why as well.

I went to therapy for about four years, precisely because I felt heard, seen and believed, as well as the fact that I could use it as a rant space. She didn’t come across as analysing me that much, but more just asked me questions that led me to make my own observations about the patterns in my life. It absolutely felt like a safe space where I was really free to be me.

The only reason I left was just because I felt like I’d achieved all that I could. But I still think about her even though it finished a couple of years ago. Sometimes when stuff happens in my life, I imagine how I would’ve told her about it.

If I hadn’t felt like that, I wouldn’t have stayed for that long. I can’t imagine staying with someone who made me feel uncomfortable and actually trying to work through that with them. That feeling may have been enhanced by the fact that I was paying for private counselling that I considered an investment in my wellbeing.

I don’t think she’s the right therapist for you.

Sunken costs fallacy there. Yes starting from scratch would be daunting, but the current situation isn’t helping you either.