Feel shit after therapy session

[Therapee]

TLDR: I feel really let down by my therapist for not holding a space in which I could just talk about my sadness and anger. I'm dreading seeing her again in the new year, and seriously considering ending therapy with her. However my "logical" brain is telling me I should "work through" this with her.

Okay, so it's probably important to mention that I'm actually a therapist myself, and have been in practice for nearly a decade. I'm mentioning this as I'm feeling embarrassed and at a loss regarding my feelings of hurt after today's session.

I've been seeing my therapist for over 2.5 years, and I respect her hugely, but also find it hard be truly open with her. I put this down to a combination of my tendency to be quite repressed, and her way of working is not at all "soft and fluffy", which can make it scary to relax and open up more. However I've been building trust and taking more risks recently with expressing my feelings with her.

Something happened with my sister last week, and I felt really hurt by it. I had a bit of a lightbulb moment as it finally dawned on me that my sister just doesn't care for me as much as I do her. In addition to that, there's a long-standing pattern of my mum "refusing to take sides" even when my sister has done something shitty. In fact, I tend to be painted as making a fuss over nothing.

Just to give an example from the past: my sister booked her wedding day for the same week as my due date. I live hundreds of miles away, and made it clear that I wouldn't be able to come on that date. I was pregnant and she knew the due date before booking her wedding, btw. My mum backed up my sister, and there was a general tone of me being a pessimist/fusspot, and of course I'd make it there. Obviously I didn't (being several days overdue by that point), and I was gutted not to be there.

Anyway, I was telling therapist how hurt and angry I was with sister for the most recent incident, and how I really don't feel able to express this hurt and angry directly to sister. My experience tells me that she will deny/ignore/twist it round to me being unreasonable, and to put myself out there again would feel pointless and masochistic. I expected that she would let me vent about it, and maybe show some sympathy.

Instead she kept noting that I have a part to play in this disappointing relationship, and that I am "shutting down" possibilities by not communicating with sister. I felt even more hurt and angry about this, as it reminded me of my mum "not taking sides". I tried telling therapist this, and she went on to say that I was shutting her down. To be clear, I wasnt shouting, or talking over her, I was trying to listen and understand her take on it, but was also feeling pretty let down and tearful.

We now have a three week break, and I just feel shit. Ironically I'd previously just had a therapy session with a client who thanked me for giving her the space to talk about her feelings of hurt, and for telling her how sorry I was that she'd experienced that. That's all I did, no clever "interventions", and that's really all I wanted for myself.

Not sure what I want from this post... Sympathy? Some encouragement to persevere? Just any wise words really that'll make me feel less shit.

I think you should address this with your therapist. Be honest, and take it from there. The anger and disappointment you feel towards your therapist is something you could fruitfully explore with her.

You say you can't open up to her. That sounds like you don't trust her. So tell her that, too. Maybe she will work on building trust with you. Or maybe she'll agree that a different therapist would be a better match.

It does sound a bit like you're wanting someone to just listen and allow you to vent. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's not your therapist's approach. Maybe you need to have a re-set. Discuss your goals in therapy - have they changed since 2.5 years ago? Have you achieved anything you want to achieve? Maybe you've come to the end of the road with this therapist. Maybe you need a break from therapy. Maybe you'd be better finding a counsellor who will give you space to vent without intervening or challenging you.

Having had elements of the same family dynamic, I can see why this might have hit you hard.

If your sister's behaviour says you don't count, and your mother's behaviour says your feelings about that don't count, and you went to your therapist to process it and her behaviour said your need to process it didn't count.... then instead of getting the healing and perspective you wanted, you were pushed further down into the loss and hurt.

I would have been. Maybe I'm projecting . But her reacting in exactly the same dynamic would have just compounded it for me and I'd lose all trust.

@WishIWasACavewoman you've so sweetly hit the nail on the head!

That's shit and it's not your fault!! Change therapist!!

Yeah it is scary to find someone new. I need you to hear this though. It’s not your fault. You’re not being a fuss pot. She either didn’t recognise that she was repeating the dynamic with your mum/sister or she didn’t care. Neither is (in my lay person’s view!) what you need from a therapist.

Hmm. I don’t think I would have been happy about that either. It sounds very invalidating! Either see her again and see if the relationship can be repaired or start seeing a new one and 💐 for you. I am so sorry about your family 💐

I had a brilliant, experienced, very kind, psychologist (after some crap ones)
I loved that she was blunt because I had a few genuine light bulb moments. Was with her for two years due to trauma.
Then she challenged me on something that for me is a hideous notion.
I'd been absolutely explicit about my feelings on this.
I don't know why she brought it up again, I thought that topic was covered eons ago. But she wouldn't let it drop.
I never went back.

Hi op

Briefly, it sounds like some transference an extra is going on here
Your mum won't take sides or berate your sister, you have an inability
To stand up to her or explain how you feel, so not heard
Your therapist is your mum in your eyes..she's not taking sides as she shouldnt
Also she is your sister because you still cannot articulate or push back, make yourself understood or be heard
You are stewing over this which is a good thing, you need to see what part you play in this dynamic, you have the control but refuse too or can't use it.
This is a huge growth spurt for you potentially, changing your therapist isnt the answer, her being fluffy and kind isn't either.

She was right you are trying to shut her down, because she's not giving you what you want, but she's trying to give you what you need.
Work through the feelings that are uncomfortable not the ones that give you comfort, those ones haven't served you well over time .

Sorry dont know where the extra came from

The simple truth of the situation is that your mother and sister won’t change. They collude with one another.
So, yes you need to accept that and concentrate on your own family.
I gave up on my mother and sister years ago.
My sister used treat me appallingly when I visited with small children (I live abroad) and my mother never challenged her behaviour.
Today, my mother is dead and the sister is still spiteful but with very few friends and my grown up kids think she’s a jealous bully.
Change therapist.
Good luck!

I think you should change therapist and try again there doesn't seem any point going to a therapist you're not comfortable with

'Instead she kept noting that I have a part to play in this disappointing relationship, and that I am "shutting down" possibilities by not communicating with sister. I felt even more hurt and angry about this, as it reminded me of my mum '

You can't change therapists just because you don't like what they say! She's right you do have a part to play in the relationship and you are shutting down possibilities...
stick with it

Is it possible she was having an off day? Or that your response was more sensitive than usual due to the revelation you had just had? If it has been pretty much ok for 2.5 years I guess speaking about how you feel and trying to work it out is indicated. But if this is a repeating pattern, I think you need to find another therapist to work with.

There's a repetition of pattern here.

You don't want to address it directly with your sister, but instead, when conflicted feelings for a loved one arises you go to your mother to tell her your sister is being mean to you.
I'm good she's bad.

You don't want to address the difficult relationship with your therapist.
And now you are coming to us to tell us that your therapist is being mean to you.
I'm good she's bad.

Maybe every time you feel conflicted thoughts towards a loved one, this activity of finding a grown-up to tell keeps happening.

What is safely preserved when you do that?

Honestly, she doesn’t sound very good. I think the therapist’s response here was odd and am not surprised you feel shit following the session – I think most would in the same scenario. The situation you describe with your baby’s due date and sister’s wedding, for example, is objectively poor, and is not oversensitive of you at all to recognise this.

Perhaps your instincts are sound here, and you have not opened up fully with this therapist (in 2.5 years) because you correctly perceive it will not feel safe to do so.

Could it be that your professional respect for her is causing you to deprioritise your own feelings about the sessions?

Totally get the reluctance to start from scratch with someone new, but moving on doesn’t mean the time with this therapist has been a waste, you can still take value from it. Don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy, it’s fine to find someone new.

I would have been. Maybe I'm projecting . But her reacting in exactly the same dynamic would have just compounded it for me and I'd lose all trust.

In any decent long term therapy the dynamics in relationships tend to play out both for you and the therapist. It’s no surprise then that you find yourself not getting what you feel you need from her and feel aggrieved. She may well have unwittingly taken on your mums role in the relationship and left you feeling disregarded and devalued.

In this case I’d go back and speak to her about it - therapy is an ideal place to try things out that you find difficult in relationships. Being able to explain to her what you hoped for (space just to vent), what you felt and how it put you back in the place of your relationship with your mum would be a huge step forward for you to, hopefully, experience a different response to you raising unhappiness in your relationship with someone.

I very much doubt she’s trying to foster transference so much as it’s just in the room as part of the process. As a psychodynamic therapist you know the process because you facilitate it it your clients, but it’s much harder when you’re on the other side. Your first instinct, that this is something to try and work through, is a good one. I’d give it a few sessions and if you still feel the relationship is damaged start to look for someone new.

More interesting replies, thank you!

I do think some posters are missing the point though, which is that sometimes "shutting down possibilities" is the healthiest option. In this case, it's recognising that I'm flogging a dead horse with sister/mum: they behave in ways that feel devaluing, and never ever respond kindly if I complain about it. Good communication takes two, and I've tried pushing back or asking for what I need and it doesn't get heard.

When the upsetting thing happened last week, I was kicking myself a) for being a mug and trusting my sister with something (I should have known she'd let me down with it) and b) for not "making a fuss" afterwards. Then I realised that there really is no point "making a fuss" as it won't be heard. At this point I didn't need therapist to basically say "this is partly your responsibility as you're not speaking up". I'm beyond that! Repeating the same pattern with them would be masochistic.

I've had 2.5 years of being challenged, and learning from that, and sometimes finding that quite painful. In this particular situation, I didn't need "challenge". I just needed to be heard. Last night I was thinking something along the lines of "why am I choosing to stick with such a challenging therapist? I could choose someone who makes more of an effort to make me feel safe. Am I being a masochist here too?"

I've also had another realisation which is that therapist never says sorry. Over the years, she's made a few minor and completely forgivable mistakes (being late, invoicing me incorrectly etc), but she never apologises. I've had mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I admire her for being so unapologetic (I apologise too much) but on the other hand it does feel quite uncaring. I'm wondering what will happen when we reconvene. I would like her to say sorry, but I don't think it'll happen.

Just to add, I can of course see the parallels with me giving up hope on getting an apology from sister and from therapist!

When it comes to my therapists mistakes I acknowledge that I have played a part with that. I haven't spoken up and said "when you wrongly invoiced me, that felt careless". I expected her just to apologise (briefly!). So that's something I'm going to experiment with.

@FerryYaBerryLa Perhaps your instincts are sound here, and you have not opened up fully with this therapist (in 2.5 years) because you correctly perceive it will not feel safe to do so.

This is a really good point, and I'm mulling it over.

She does sound quite uncaring. Never apologising is a red flag to me, regardless of anything else. Only narcissists and sociopaths never say sorry.

You've clearly been through a traumatic and painful time over this OP which has triggered the hurt from your childhood.

Ordinarily I'd think there is value in revisiting with your therapist how you felt about the last session. However, you also say that you don't feel able to be open with her? I think this is a fundamental requirement for a therapeutic relationship like this and for that reason I would change therapists.

Your sister booked her wedding the week of your due date?? That’s mad. Unless idk it was her 3rd wedding and your 5th child or something. It’s weird that we feel this pressure to keep making the effort for people who don’t give back and aren’t worth it and to somehow “make it right”. Even when they are doing mad shit like that we still make excuses for them! I do the same. We just need to find the acceptance to let go of these relationships I think. Not necessarily no contact or anything but just stop bothering and stop letting them hurt us. Somehow.

I'm finding it strange, for want of a better word, that you've been going to this therapist for over 2 years and have just discovered your sister needs/loves/likes you less than you need/love/like her. I just think talking it through you would have realised that a long time ago. And your mums part in it all, which is really just being there but not taking part. Or rather taking the easiest option which is siding with your sister, as maybe she is more vocal when angry or annoyed and you stay silent as you've learned they don't listen to you. So there's a pattern of your sister hurting you by being frankly a total cow, your mum staying silent and refusing to acknowledge whats going on and you either speaking up and being belittled or you giving up and saying nothing . Either option suits your mum and sister but it leaves you feeling hurt and ignored. I think you just can't change people. Your mum and sister won't acknowledge your hurt. Won't understand it or do anything about it. They sound emotionally limited. So the choice is yours, either keep chipping away at a brick wall with nothing behind it or takes steps to look after yourself and walk away. Hopefully you can create a distance with them both and you can start to heal yourself. There's a saying about don't stick with a mistake just because you spent a long time making it. The mistake here is you believing your sister must be fundamentally decent and kind. She's not. Full stop.
And dump your therapist. She's had 2 and a half years of your money. Enough is enough.

@ssd yes, I've been thinking this morning about how I'm really fucking slow on the uptake when it comes to realising that people are mistreating me.

What @Guiltypleasures001 said.

Where’s your anger about your sister and mother? Shutting down possibilities could mean by not telling your sister how you feel you’re avoiding feeling your anger.

Instead the anger is growing against your therapist. Your therapist will surely help you redirect this anger to the people it actually belongs with.