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Original poster

Separating. Custody help, what will he get?

66 replies

needhelpneedadvice · 19/12/2022 18:38

I want to leave my partner because he can't be bothered with our children.

We are not married. We live together with a joint mortgage. I am a SAHM. He works full time although home most of the time not actually working.

Our children are 3 and 7. He doesn't want to be involved in anything we do. He sleeps every morning while I feed them, get them ready pack their lunches, get myself ready. He never does a bedtime. Doesn't even know what food they will eat or not eat. Etc etc.

I told him I wanted to separate and he said he is happy to be amicable but he wants them 50-50. I was so shocked. He can't be bothered with them at all, so it must be a spite thing. I don't know.

Anyway, does anyone know legally how this would work? Does he automatically get that right?

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 19/12/2022 18:40

Yep, if there are no safeguarding issues, he absolutely can have 50/50.

Martialisthebestpup · 19/12/2022 18:45

Ask him what his plan is for childcare, and what kind of 50/50 split he was thinking of. Tell him he needs to start doing everything for the kids on his days ASAP so you can start interviewing for jobs. Then go away for a weekend and leave the kids with him and see if he still wants 50/50.

If you’ve been the go-to parent he would have to show a workable plan in court for how he would manage 50/50 if that’s what he wants. - This might involve proving he will be altering his hours/working more when the kids are with you and less when they are with him. Unless his job involves compulsory shift work then the expectation is that the custody pattern will be stable and predictable rather than ad hoc.

TizerorFizz · 19/12/2022 18:46

No. It’s not legally 50/50.

See a solicitor. The arrangement is often 5/14 for non resident parent. There is no formula. You state clearly that you are responsible for getting Dc to nursery and school. These Dc do not have to be divided up equally. The idea is do what’s best for the Dc, not his misguided wants.

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JustLyra · 19/12/2022 18:47

He has the right to go to court for 50/50.

The vast majority of men don’t though. It’s a very, very, very common tactic used by men attempting to stop women leaving.

Mumuser124 · 19/12/2022 18:48

Will he not help at all?!

MintJulia · 19/12/2022 19:07

OP, don't panic yet.

My ex told me he wanted 50:50. Partly to make me consider staying and partly to ensure that he didn't have to pay me a penny.

His demand for 50:50 lasted exactly one Friday night. After he'd had to cancel his Friday night in the pub with the boys, change several pooey nappies, fail to feed or comfort infant DS and fail to get any sleep, he changed his mind, rang me and told me to fetch ds. 😂

If your ex has never looked after DCs, he'll have no clue what he's doing. He'll have to get his children up to do school run, feed them, bath them, dress them, do bedtime, cook, shop, do the washing 😂😂😂

Rather than wait for court, I'd leave them with Daddy and go away for the weekend. Don't tell him where you are going, but don't go far. Keep your phone on. See how long he lasts before he calls you. With two of them, he should last even less time than mine did.

The experience may persuade him to be more realistic in his negotiations.

cptartapp · 19/12/2022 19:10

Play along with it. Seem keen. Ask him which half of every week he'd prefer.
It won't happen.

Original poster
needhelpneedadvice · 19/12/2022 19:17

Thank you all.

I feel he will peruse it and then just dish out all the childcare to his mum/ family.

He doesn't even help them brush their teeth if I ask. He just lets them do it themselves. My youngest is 3!!!!

I asked him to take my 3 year old to post a letter two days ago and he took him out in -6 degrees with no coat.

I think I will have to stay just to keep them safe

OP posts:
Laurdo · 19/12/2022 19:27

cptartapp · 19/12/2022 19:10

Play along with it. Seem keen. Ask him which half of every week he'd prefer.
It won't happen.

This. But make sure hes getting equal share of weekends and school days. He needs to experience getting the kids sorted for school but also experience having to pass up on weekend plans because he has the kids.

Go along with his 50/50 plan, it won't last long. He is very much just doing it out of spite or to make you reconsider.

CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 19:29

He of course has the right to ask for 50/50, I have 50/50 with my ex DH and my nowDH has 50/50 with his ex wife.

MadeForThis · 19/12/2022 19:31

He is just trying this to make you stay or to avoid child support.

Tell him 50/50 is a great idea.

You can have some nights out with your friends while he minds the kids.

He won't last a week.

Aquasulis · 19/12/2022 19:32

JustLyra · 19/12/2022 18:47

He has the right to go to court for 50/50.

The vast majority of men don’t though. It’s a very, very, very common tactic used by men attempting to stop women leaving.

This - give it to him 50/50 one week on and one week off. He can step up.

TizerorFizz · 19/12/2022 19:33

He can ask. Why would any same parent subject their Dc to this. It’s not like a cake you divide up! You do what’s going to give a stable caring life for the DC.

OP. Living with a lazy git is probably easier than living away from a lazy git who makes arrangements and doesn’t stick to them. It messes up Dc. Evaluate which is less shit for the Dc.

Original poster
needhelpneedadvice · 19/12/2022 19:35

@TizerorFizz I think you have summed up exactly how I'm feeling

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 19:36

Why would any same parent subject their Dc to this.

It's what our kids wanted.

megletthesecond · 19/12/2022 19:40

He only wants 50/50 to save money. With a bit of luck he won't bother and they'll be more stable with just you all or the vast majority of the time.

VivaVivaa · 19/12/2022 19:41

Either way, you are personally in quite a precarious situation now you’ve said to him you want to split. He’s earning, you are not and you are not married. Do you have a large amount of personal savings or access to financial support from your family or anything? He’d be in a stronger position if he can house the DC and you struggle.

Treeeeeeee · 19/12/2022 19:49

He can and should get 50/50 as a minimum, potentially more than that as it sounds like he is the one who could afford to house the kids/ keep them in their current home

CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Why is it that dad's in the MN ether can only want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child maintenance? Is it incomprehensible that some men acutely want to care for their kids?

Rtmhwales · 19/12/2022 20:16

CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Why is it that dad's in the MN ether can only want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child maintenance? Is it incomprehensible that some men acutely want to care for their kids?

I agree with this. I live in a country where there's still child maintenance paid on 50/50 regardless (it's by the higher earner, regardless of sex but usually men) and most still want 50/50 and do just fine.

Laurdo · 19/12/2022 20:22

CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Why is it that dad's in the MN ether can only want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child maintenance? Is it incomprehensible that some men acutely want to care for their kids?

I think in this case he's made it quite obvious that he doesn't want to care for his kids otherwise he'd be doing it currently.

I do agree though that in general dad's don't want 50/50 to just to avoid paying maintenance. My DP has 50% custody of his kids and would have them 100% of he was allowed without wanting any maintenance from his ex.

AssumingDirectControl · 19/12/2022 20:23

Treeeeeeee · 19/12/2022 19:49

He can and should get 50/50 as a minimum, potentially more than that as it sounds like he is the one who could afford to house the kids/ keep them in their current home

In no world would he get more than 50% of their time because he’s been out to work while OP has been their primary carer.

GrumpyPanda · 19/12/2022 20:25

CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Why is it that dad's in the MN ether can only want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child maintenance? Is it incomprehensible that some men acutely want to care for their kids?

Well in that case they could easily have done so before divorce one would think.

Laurdo · 19/12/2022 20:26

TizerorFizz · 19/12/2022 19:33

He can ask. Why would any same parent subject their Dc to this. It’s not like a cake you divide up! You do what’s going to give a stable caring life for the DC.

OP. Living with a lazy git is probably easier than living away from a lazy git who makes arrangements and doesn’t stick to them. It messes up Dc. Evaluate which is less shit for the Dc.

So you're suggesting that she stays in an unhappy relationship where she's taken for granted because splitting up won't be ideal either? Parents staying together just for the kids is rarely a good idea. Kids pick up on the animosity and bad vibes. She's already expressed that she wants to end the relationship so it's not like they can just carry on as normal now.

Babyroobs · 19/12/2022 20:27

MadeForThis · 19/12/2022 19:31

He is just trying this to make you stay or to avoid child support.

Tell him 50/50 is a great idea.

You can have some nights out with your friends while he minds the kids.

He won't last a week.

Yes the problem with 50:50 is that he won't necessarily have to pay child maintenance. Will you be claiming benefits? It really isn't a lot to live off and you will need to look for work.