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Original poster

Separating. Custody help, what will he get?

66 replies

needhelpneedadvice · 19/12/2022 18:38

I want to leave my partner because he can't be bothered with our children.

We are not married. We live together with a joint mortgage. I am a SAHM. He works full time although home most of the time not actually working.

Our children are 3 and 7. He doesn't want to be involved in anything we do. He sleeps every morning while I feed them, get them ready pack their lunches, get myself ready. He never does a bedtime. Doesn't even know what food they will eat or not eat. Etc etc.

I told him I wanted to separate and he said he is happy to be amicable but he wants them 50-50. I was so shocked. He can't be bothered with them at all, so it must be a spite thing. I don't know.

Anyway, does anyone know legally how this would work? Does he automatically get that right?

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 19/12/2022 21:57

She might be unhappy without a home snd no money. It’s not always possible to get everything right. Dc also might be significantly worse off in all sorts of ways.

MintJulia · 20/12/2022 02:17

Living with a lazy git is probably easier than living away from a lazy git who makes arrangements and doesn’t stick to them. It messes up Dc. Evaluate which is less shit for the Dc.

When we left, my ds literally didn't notice that ex wasn't there any more, so little had ex been involved in parenting. Eleven years later, ds is still unconcerned when his dad doesn't show up.

Living separately was, for us, a much happier life and huge improvement.

Nat6999 · 20/12/2022 03:28

My ex asked for 50/50, he got EOW & one night for tea during the week. Once your kids get to around 11 they can make their own minds up on what they want to do & the courts will take their wishes in to account.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Family law Relationship problems
JustLyra · 20/12/2022 03:44

TizerorFizz · 19/12/2022 19:33

He can ask. Why would any same parent subject their Dc to this. It’s not like a cake you divide up! You do what’s going to give a stable caring life for the DC.

OP. Living with a lazy git is probably easier than living away from a lazy git who makes arrangements and doesn’t stick to them. It messes up Dc. Evaluate which is less shit for the Dc.

Couldn’t disagree more.

it’s a very common tactic men use to stop women leaving. It’s effective because women are more inclined to put their children first.

The number of men who have their children 50/50 is still absolutely tiny in comparison with the ones who have EOW or who simply don’t bother at all.

@needhelpneedadvice Make sure you also evaluate you in your thinking. And also think long term about your DC, not just the day to day now.

DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 20/12/2022 06:23

He wants them 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay child support. Legally he absolutely could get this. Practically, it might not last when he realises that childcare on his time with them would possibly cost more paying child support. Also he can’t be arsed with looking after them at all, let alone properly. Just out of interest though, do you know if he plans for his parents to raises the kids on his time help him out?

Mummieslncorporated · 20/12/2022 06:26

Definitely go for alternate weeks. You don't want some plan that means one person gets more weekend than the other.

And the reality of having a full week with the children might focus his mind somewhat.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/12/2022 06:32

It’s not just to avoid paying maintenance that ge is saying this. It’s to get you to stay. And it’s worked.

Don’t fall for it. Start making plans for your own life. You say he will farm out childcare to his mum. Does she work? If so, she wouldn’t be able to do it.

Start by finding a job and go from there. But I’d put money on him changing his mind within 2 weeks of you leaving

wildseas · 20/12/2022 06:43

i think that pp suggestion of getting him to try it out first is an excellent one. If he’s never been responsible for the kids he probably thinks it’s easy.

You don’t have to agree to 50 50 but why not suggest that you have alternate weekends for a few weeks to get some space from each other.

Book yourself into a hotel or go to a friends house from Friday night through to Monday morning. Don’t leave instructions / help/ prep things.

itll be a bit nerve wracking but it’s going to be so much cheaper, easier and less stressful than court!

knittingaddict · 20/12/2022 06:49

Treeeeeeee · 19/12/2022 19:49

He can and should get 50/50 as a minimum, potentially more than that as it sounds like he is the one who could afford to house the kids/ keep them in their current home

The courts do not look at finances nearly as much as they look at which parent can provide emotionally and provide stability. Giving children a better, nicer home has never been a primary factor, thank goodness.

knittingaddict · 20/12/2022 06:53

CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Why is it that dad's in the MN ether can only want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child maintenance? Is it incomprehensible that some men acutely want to care for their kids?

He's not caring for them now. We are talking about this man, not all men.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 20/12/2022 06:58

If you're going to go with ideas on here and give him a taster if time alone with the children, include a weekend day too. If he wants 50/50, that should include arranging childcare while he works.

emptythelitterbox · 20/12/2022 06:58

If you want to separate, make your plans and do it.
You've told him so I wouldn't mention anything more until you do.
Get some legal advice.
Ring up women's aid too.
Say nothing to him and keep your powder dry. He's be only about himself. He won't be your friend and he won't be fair.

The only reason he's saying 50/50 is to manipulate you into staying. It's just an idle threat.

Since you're not married, he'll have to take you to court to get anything.

Having the children will cramp his style and lazy life.

My DD stayed a couple extra years because of her exH's threats.
Once they got into court, the judge handed his arse to him.
He ended up with supervised visitation because of his DV and ongoing drug issues.

The visitation happened exactly twice.
It's been well over 3 years since they've heard from him. Not a peep.

Ignore anyone saying to stay with him or that he'll automatically get 50/50. There's plenty of disgruntled males on here who post nonsense to scare women.

Good luck.

closingscore · 20/12/2022 07:12

I think I will have to stay just to keep them safe

That's exactly what he wants you to think.

Witsendwilly · 20/12/2022 07:20

CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Why is it that dad's in the MN ether can only want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child maintenance? Is it incomprehensible that some men acutely want to care for their kids?

Agree, it’s awful.

All the same women who claim that men can only be asking for 50/50 due to some ulterior motive are the same ones who couldn’t bare the thought of hardly being involved in their own kids lives.

How about considering that any decent parent would want equal involvement in their kids upbringing regardless of if they area a mum or a dad.

I bet if two woman had a child and split and asked here for advice nearly every post would advocate 50/50

Snoken · 20/12/2022 07:27

I'm from a country where 50/50 is the norm and what is to be expected, and sure, in some cases life is different in the different homes but as long as the kids are not neglected the 50/50 does not change.

Do you have a plan OP for how this would work? Do you have a job lined up? Do you have money to move? If not, it might be that you end up in hostel or something until you can get a flat from the council, and in that case it might be better for the kids to live primarily with your DP, until you are more stable.

I'm not saying this so that you will be scared to leave, but you have to be realistic regarding what you have to offer your kids too. It's great that you are caring and nurturing, but if you can meet their basic needs financially that becomes irrelevant. You might have to play a long game here and build your life up to become independent first.

knittingaddict · 20/12/2022 07:36

Witsendwilly · 20/12/2022 07:20

Agree, it’s awful.

All the same women who claim that men can only be asking for 50/50 due to some ulterior motive are the same ones who couldn’t bare the thought of hardly being involved in their own kids lives.

How about considering that any decent parent would want equal involvement in their kids upbringing regardless of if they area a mum or a dad.

I bet if two woman had a child and split and asked here for advice nearly every post would advocate 50/50

Show quote history

Completely irrelevant since the op's partner is clearly not one of those decent men.

JustLyra · 20/12/2022 08:05

Witsendwilly · 20/12/2022 07:20

Agree, it’s awful.

All the same women who claim that men can only be asking for 50/50 due to some ulterior motive are the same ones who couldn’t bare the thought of hardly being involved in their own kids lives.

How about considering that any decent parent would want equal involvement in their kids upbringing regardless of if they area a mum or a dad.

I bet if two woman had a child and split and asked here for advice nearly every post would advocate 50/50

Show quote history

How about considering the OP’s actual post before going off on one?

She’s considering leaving because he’s not interested in being a father. That’s why he’s at it with the 50/50 thing.

if I left my DH he’d absolutely want 50/50 and understandably so. A man that currently gives no shits, like the one described in the op isn’t the same. He’s clearly using it to make her stay.

men who aren’t interested in their kids when the wife lives with them and is doing most of it are very unlikely to suddenly want to do 100% of it every other week.

Veryactivenymphomaniac · 20/12/2022 08:29

CornishGem1975 · 19/12/2022 20:07

Why is it that dad's in the MN ether can only want 50/50 so they don't have to pay child maintenance? Is it incomprehensible that some men acutely want to care for their kids?

A friend of mine is currently going through this.

Her DH is v wealthy, wasnt remotely interested in spending time with the DC's, did nothing for or with them but now they are 50/50. DC's are 14 & 11 and seem to spend a lot of time at his home on their own whilst he is out and about. None of us ever thought he would last a weekend.

She is convinced he is ensuring he doesn't have to pay any maintenance once the divorce is finalised. Court is coming up, she thinks he will drop them like hot potatoes once the financial settlement is done.

spare123 · 20/12/2022 08:32

Oh dear. Why on earth are you a SAHM when you're not married? What are you going to do for work when you separate? I do despair of women who make themselves so vulnerable. He is clearly saying 50:50 to keep you.

I would suggest that you stay, get a job, get yourself financially secure and then consider leaving.

NoAlexa · 20/12/2022 08:37

TizerorFizz · 19/12/2022 19:33

He can ask. Why would any same parent subject their Dc to this. It’s not like a cake you divide up! You do what’s going to give a stable caring life for the DC.

OP. Living with a lazy git is probably easier than living away from a lazy git who makes arrangements and doesn’t stick to them. It messes up Dc. Evaluate which is less shit for the Dc.

So op should stay with a lazy fucker because its less shit for the dc

Absolutely not!!! Terrible fucking advice. The best thing for the dc is a parent leading by example which does not show them allowing themselves to be treated like a fucking doormat

Op needs to get a job, and get out. If she has worries about his patenting then she needs to keep a diary and prove what he is doing

piedbeauty · 20/12/2022 08:49

Treeeeeeee · 19/12/2022 19:49

He can and should get 50/50 as a minimum, potentially more than that as it sounds like he is the one who could afford to house the kids/ keep them in their current home

And how do you think he can still go out to work? Because the op is facilitating him - she's doing all the childcare and looking after the house and chores!!! He does NONE of that, didn't you see? Why the hell should he get the dc for more than 50:50 when he's a shit 'father' who does nothing for them??! 🙄🙄🙄

Snoken · 20/12/2022 08:53

piedbeauty · 20/12/2022 08:49

And how do you think he can still go out to work? Because the op is facilitating him - she's doing all the childcare and looking after the house and chores!!! He does NONE of that, didn't you see? Why the hell should he get the dc for more than 50:50 when he's a shit 'father' who does nothing for them??! 🙄🙄🙄

Show quote history

The kids are both old enough to be out of the house (school/nursery) during the day when he works. It's exactly the same as for all of us working parents. You don't have to be a SAHM to be a good parent.

spare123 · 20/12/2022 08:53

NoAlexa · 20/12/2022 08:37

So op should stay with a lazy fucker because its less shit for the dc

Absolutely not!!! Terrible fucking advice. The best thing for the dc is a parent leading by example which does not show them allowing themselves to be treated like a fucking doormat

Op needs to get a job, and get out. If she has worries about his patenting then she needs to keep a diary and prove what he is doing

Show quote history

No. But she's been very unwise to give up work without being married. She needs to get a job, get her financial ducks in a row and then leave.

piedbeauty · 20/12/2022 09:15

@Snoken - the op's h does no parenting. He's not a good parent. Why are you defending him?!

Snoken · 20/12/2022 09:30

piedbeauty · 20/12/2022 09:15

@Snoken - the op's h does no parenting. He's not a good parent. Why are you defending him?!

I am not defending him, but the kids have the right to their father too. Sometimes even men can step up when they are left to do the job themselves. I think 50/50 should always be the aim, but if it turns out one parent is neglectful, abusive or whatever then that has to change of course. I don't think OP should go in with the expectation that only she can be the primary caregiver, because that is not how the courts are going to look at it. There is nothing that the OP's Dp has done to show he is unable to look after his own kids, even though up until now he hasn't shown much interest. It is enough that he says he wants 50/50 and that he is not abusive for the courts to most likely rule in his favour.