Separating. Custody help, what will he get?

[needhelpneedadvice]

I want to leave my partner because he can't be bothered with our children.

We are not married. We live together with a joint mortgage. I am a SAHM. He works full time although home most of the time not actually working.

Our children are 3 and 7. He doesn't want to be involved in anything we do. He sleeps every morning while I feed them, get them ready pack their lunches, get myself ready. He never does a bedtime. Doesn't even know what food they will eat or not eat. Etc etc.

I told him I wanted to separate and he said he is happy to be amicable but he wants them 50-50. I was so shocked. He can't be bothered with them at all, so it must be a spite thing. I don't know.

Anyway, does anyone know legally how this would work? Does he automatically get that right?

It's not about a parents right to 50% of the children. It's about what is best for the children and that is how the courts make their decisions. It certainly isn't always in the children's best interests to be moving between two homes constantly.

@Snoken - what a low bar for courts to accept from fathers.

And it's not always in dc's best interest to shuttle between homes.

It’s amazing what some women will defend. The bar for men is set so low

It is enough that he says he wants 50/50 and that he is not abusive for the courts to most likely rule in his favour.

Thats certainly not how my local court operates - it should be what is best for the children and they ought to take into account parenting roles and relationships up to the time of separation and the child’s experiences of that parenting. 50/50 can work where parents work together, parent consistently and communicate well, but if it ends up in court it’s already looking like that isn’t there.

If your children are under school age and you don't work then it would be clear to any judge that you look after them most of the time as he works full-time.

However once the children go to school it's not that clear cut unless you separate first and live separately. Then the Court will go on who has most overnights.

I suggest OP you separate now before your youngest child goes to school.

You can tell if someone is only going for 50/50 for monetary reasons

1. They never did/do much outside of work with DC eg take them to clubs/parties/playdates
2. If they work, their schedule never allowed for school pick up/drop offs prior to separation
3. If their working contract does not allow to do pick up/drop off after separation, but other parent can.
4. Changed style of parenting (ie more active) since threat of 50/50...'hey court look at me, I'm an involved dad now'

The children are not both under school age. One is. The OP doesn’t work. There is no indication of where she might go. As a result, just walking out is a risk.

@Reugny DD is a barrister. The arrangement most commonly entered into is 5/14. For school age children, there is a strong argument for consistency and the child not being disturbed on weekdays with shuttling to and fro. Many men are happy with this and make it work. So if they work long hours and find arrangements for school and holidays difficult, they readily agree to this. Where dads live nearby, have strong parenting connections with children, and replicate what a reasonable parent would do, then of course different arrangements are made.

MN seems to think courts order 50:50 most of the time. I’m informed they don’t. They always put children first. Always. It’s not dividing a cake and pandering to the wants of parents.

On this thread we are talking about this man, who currently doesnt know what his children do or dont eat. I personally think the very very basic parenting requires one to know what to feed ones own children.

If you want to talk about men who are happy and willing to care for their children it probably needs a different thread.

I really appreciate all the posters who have read my post and understood my situation.
The advice you have all given to me is really helpful.

Those defending dads, I do understand, but this isn't my situation.

He would be happy to pay child maintenance. He is a good earner and would not have an issue with this.

I am lucky to have a really supportive family, who would be able to support me and the children financially. I also have a job I can go back too at any time.

Did you even read the OP ?

I'm sure some men "acutely" want to care for their kids half of the time. This idiot clearly doesn't.
Your post is irrelevant, unhelpful & more than a little daft

Then you are in a much better situation than I thought.

if he’s reasonable then you should discuss it, maybe suggest you start with a 60/40 split and if that goes well you can do 50/50. I think we all assumed he wanted 50/50 because he wouldn’t want to pay cms, but if that’s not the case then I think you should separate sooner rather than later. Sounds like you have housing and income sorted.

OP. Agree with him & say you'll start now. A full weekend each. And 50/50 chores/kids/routines etc whilst you look for a job. At weekends, go out with your pals, have fun.
Do this whilst your still living together.

Do NOT facilitate. Ie don't leave food made, ironing done, instructions etc.

If he ducks up ! (No coat, forgets lunches, late for nursery etc) keep a diary. Every bloody thing.

Get your ducks in a row.

He's a grade a controlling asshole and it's working. Do not allow him to do this to you.

@TizerorFizz give your head a bloody wobble.

My exH was also lazy with the kids, used to shut himself in the conservatory playing WoW every weekend yet still wanted 50/50 when we split.

We do alternate weeks and he has coped, mostly by moving in a new girlfriend 5 months later to do the childcare, but I'm the one that does everything for them still. He doesn't even top up their school lunch accounts without being reminded and they are teenagers now.

@needhelpneedadvice
As you have finance and help, you are in a better position than you originally alluded to.

If you decide to separate, move out.The court will expect that. I am not forcing anyone to stay! I’m only saying look at all the options. Don’t assume 50/60 is the norm. I’m not going back on saying Dc come first. There is always mediation,

@TizerorFizz most parents myself and DP spoke sorted out their own parenting agreement as they were warned not to go to Court by their solicitor, the social circles we are in or both. (Those with Child Arrangements Orders actually have extra things in them due to how one or both parents has behaved during proceedings.)

Their child arrangements suit them and their child(ren). Those who have more than 5 in 14 live very close to each other. In some cases either parent has deliberately moved to facilitate that.

@Reugny
Yes. I think that more than 5/14 works if you are nearby and both have suitable jobs to facilitate the care needed at a nearer to 50/50 split . Otherwise 5/14 allows for working and seeing children. It allows for continuity regarding school etc. Living further away so a longish journey to school is involved can suit WFH, but not shift working, for example, or very early starts and late finishing.,So that’s why 50/50 is not suitable for many.

The only issue with not having an order is one party altering it arbitrarily which upsets everything. Reasonable people don’t do this, but not everyone is reasonable. People do circumvent court by agreeing to arbitration and the contracts drawn up as a result. It’s expensive though but much quicker.