DS wants to drop out of uni (again) and join the army - help!

[ApplesAndCheese]

Ds came home from uni this weekend and said that he thinks university is not for him and he wants to join the army intelligence corps. He's 19, and this is his 2nd go-around at university as he dropped out last year after the first term unhappy with his course and living arrangements. He says that this time, the living arrangements are much better and he's generally happier in himself, but still feels that the (lack of) structure of university life really doesn't suit him, he's wasting money and just wants more job security, to earn money, and to feel like he's doing something 'worthwhile'.

I don't really disagree with his reasoning, want to be supportive, and of course he is an adult and can technically do what he likes, but I feel really worried about this. I just cannot see him even getting through basic training (sorry ds!) - he is so skinny, hasn't done any sport since school, is a quiet and gentle soul who is happiest sitting on his bed, writing songs and playing guitar. I can't see him running miles with a bergen on his back, or face down in a muddy field! I'm also worried that this might be another thing he doesn't stick at.

I don't think university is the be-all-and-end-all (even though I'm a university lecturer!) and I don't really have a moral objection to him going into the army but...I feel winded by his announcement. I'm worried that he's basing this on a couple of CCF camps he did at school which he really enjoyed, but that's not 'real' army life, is it? He's already visited the recruitment office apparently and started his application.

Don't know what I want from this thread really, a bit of reassurance that this could be a good thing? I'm just worried about him and want him to be happy but this seems so...drastic! Anyone got any wise words?

I think at this point you have to trust him. He's had the courage to tell his academic mother - twice - that uni isn't for him. He's also oriented himself to something quite different that he thinks is for him. Even if it came from your DH's activities, doesn't matter. He's not planning to drop out of uni and do nothing/game/(try to) become an influencer. He's actually got a plan.

As for him being a gentle soul (that's what I took from your description), the military is full of people and they're not a homogenous group. It's true that some areas attract different personalities, and that there are also certain characteristics you need to have to be in (many of which can be developed), but there are definitely guys who write poetry, read books and sing. It's just that's not all they do.

If does sound like looking at different military branches may be an idea though. And functions. And to think about why. He's made the wrong decision with uni twice - fair enough - but it will be easier to be in the place that's the right fit for him in the military.

And from my exes' experiences in different branches of the military, anything he can do now to get his strength and stamina up will not be wasted!

If its structure he wants, its a good idea. And very identity forming if he's struggling to find his feet. I would advise anyone going in to always have an eye on 'what comes next' as like pp says it might be a few years or a longer career, but building life skills alongside army skills is important for when you do come out through choice or redundancy or illness. Suggest he starts building fitness and see if he bothers?

Why does he want to join the army?

I only ask as my ds went though that phase. He thought it was an opt out of work. Running around shooting guns and not having to do much. Idiot.

He’s in the police now. On the degree apprenticeship and loves it.

a quiet and gentle soul who is happiest sitting on his bed, writing songs and playing guitar

Wasn’t James Blunt in the army? Used to have a guitar strapped to the outside of his tank.

Honestlyt, I don;t think that sounds drtastic at all. I think it sounds very sensible. He has a good life plan that includes training and payment and career progression.

I might suggest he sticks with uni while he applies, so that if he is not accepted, or asked to reapply in a year he can continue at uni until then and at least leave with a Certificate of Advanced Education - or whatever those halfway-degrees are called.

he sounds very sensible. Uni doesn't suit everyone.Way too many people go to uni now, when many of them have the kind of disposition that would get more from going straight into the workplace and learning on the job. I admire him for knowing himself that well.

How does it work with his uni accommodation and the course fees. One of my kids dropped out of a masters course and didn't have to pay the remaining room costs or course costs. I was surprised.
I would support his decision. If it does t work out then he is still very young. The fact he is bright and hardworking will mean that he will find something one way or another.

I really don't think university is for everyone and he's had a go at university twice he is an adult honestly he is a man and he is telling you what he wants to do.

Skinny people can get strong.

fwiw I finished up uni, pissed about in various jobs that I hated, then joined intelligence.

i always knew I didn’t want to go to uni, I went for my parents who thought it would mean I was set career wise for life. I looked at the army/raf/police but was discouraged as I was “clever”.

basically I wasted nearly 8 years (stayed on for postgrad as was offered funding and had no better ideas). I could have joined up at 18, got on the final salary pension scheme and been retired by now. Instead I’m facing another 10-15 years working.

He's in private accommodation in London, which he's tied into until August. Costs me a bloody fortune every month, so I wouldn't be sad to see that go at the end of the year

This has been really helpful, thanks to everyone who has responded so far. I do think it makes sense in many ways (job security, pay, pension, opportunities etc) - I guess I am just really struggling to see him actually doing it! But perhaps I am underestimating him.

I agree that getting fit has to be a big focus, and if he doesn't throw himself into that then I suppose we have our answer...

He’s tried at uni, twice. It’s not for him. I don’t know what you’re worried about tbh. He either joins the army and realises that isn’t for him either, in which case, now he knows, and can try something else, he joins and it’s okay so he just ticks along for a couple of years then leaves and tries something else, which would give him decent life experience and further knowledge about himself and what he wants or he joins the army, loves it and that’s his career. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He’s still so young, just support him in finding his feet.

I think if he is tied to his accommodation then he should be staying till August he /you have made a commitment till then.

I was in my mid 30’s when I found the career that was really for me.

While I do think it’s important as he gets older to try and stick things out for more than a few months before quitting (if he’s still doing this in his mid/late 20’s he’s going to appear v flakey), at this point - age 19 - I wouldn’t be too concerned. It’s such a young age to be expected to choose what you’d like to do for possibly the rest of your life, especially with such little real life experience.

Medical standards are tri-service

He needs to disclose his exact eye issues to the recruiting officer to the recruiting officer asap and see what trades are actually open to him.

The military is quite good at finding roles for existing trained staff who develop issues but can still be deployed is a reasonable range of roles. But there's no wiggle room on recruitment standards (though initial screeners can sometimes get it wrong and a proper doctor review should be requested)

"Failure to disclose" on any part of the application (medical or otherwise) is a gross misconduct (instant sacking) issue.

BTW, I agree with the other posters that he needs to joining either OTC or TA (or other reservists) asap.

DH did four years of a university course and still left without a degree- too much fun to be had, apparently. Anyway after a few warehouse and basic admin jobs he joined the army and got into the Intelligence Corps but failed their training. Apparently a good proportion do, as it’s basically the top tier of the non-commissioned jobbies. He then bounced into the Military Police and stayed for 12 years.

DH is not a “manly” man (in fact when we recently found out we’re expecting a boy he had a five minute crisis as he said “Craic, I’m just not much into, like, man stuff, am I?!”), he hated a lot of army culture and was constantly failing fitness tests. But he did the 12 years, learnt a lot about patience, forbearance and reporting to people you don’t like or respect, and when he got out he entered a profession using the quals the army paid for as he was setting up to leave. And of course he would never have met me 😀in a bar in Belfast, telling me he was a roofer (who’s afraid of heights). Now he’s been out a few years he says he doesn’t miss it, but he’s glad he did it.

I think it’s a good place for someone like your son who maybe needs some structure to get the best out of themselves when they’re still really quite young. The fitness aspect will be a good litmus test; so if I were you I would just make the right supportive noises and see how that pans out.

Exactly yes. But I think he was an officer? I used to know one guy similar (no wealthy family background or connections though) who wasn't an officer who was like that too. Nice guy. Good at his job I think and seemed respected by the others. Wasn't an aloha guy so didn't have the "respect" that often brings, but just did his thing.

Yes, James Blunt was an officer. Not sure ds would appreciate the comparison though

'supportive noises' is a good shout, @TheCraicDealer. He is still very young, it's true. Oh god, do you ever stop worrying about them?!

Never stop worrying unfortunately but you need to let them find their way.

He's in private accommodation in London, which he's tied into until August. Costs me a bloody fortune every month, so I wouldn't be sad to see that go at the end of the year

Ouch!

If he just completes one year I think he might get a Certificate of Higher Education or something similar that might give credits for any future studies? Not sure if it would be of any value to him or not but maybe something to consider.

This is all very focussed on what he wants to do this minute. Uni nor army training are forever, what does he want to do for a living? What would be do with the uni degree? Has he thoroughly researched professions available in the armed forces?

I think the AF could be a great option, but it's something he should really think through and prepare for, know his options. It feels a bit like an escape plan from uni right now rather than carefully thought out.

Maybe he needs to take some time out, get a job he can start now like retail to really give himself space to breathe and plan out what he wants to do.

My DD went to Army Selection Days last week and 3 were sent home straight away. 2 for their BMI being too low and one for it being too high.

Once you're in it doesn't matter but definitely matters before you join.

OP I assume he'd want to be an officer if he's got A levels? It's a very rigorous process before they even go to Sandhurst, why not just let him go through it all?

The army don't want to waste thousands and thousands of pounds training a soldier just for them to drop out.

Honestly, just let him go for it. He may lose interest himself.

Oh and I only served 7 years (RN not Army) but I’ve never not got a job I applied for.

The skills you develop in the services can set you up for life and make you very employable.

@Ban I think his BMI may be too low at present. He is 6ft, but a rake. But that can be changed, he just needs to put the work in, I guess.

He says he wants to go in as a regular, not via the officer route. It will be interesting to see how whether he changes his mind when / if DH goes to Sandhurst, though. He has AOSB in February next year so we shall see what comes of that.

I will support him; I've never not supported him. I suppose I'd just got my head around DH's decision to join the reserves at 40+, and now ds apparently wants in too. Having never had any contact / involvement with the forces before, now it's potentially both my husband and my son at the same time!

Sorry, DH has AOSB in Feb, not DS!

Let him.

I have 4 degrees and earn a pittance. My brother spent 4 years in the army and is now an electrical engineer on silly money.

My brother was skinny and his teachers laughed and said don’t be ridiculous when he said he was joining the army. He had a fabulous career. The army isn’t just for huge dudes. Yes there will be plenty of running around in mud for the initial training, but after that he can specialise in vehicle engineering or logistics or as he says intelligence. What the army are absolutely brilliant at is working out where a young man’s strengths lie and paying him to develop them while getting a bunch of cree qualifications.

Other option if he is interested in intelligence is to go straight into one of the British intelligence services like Security Service, SIS, or the desk jobs and Defence Intelligence. But at DI most people will be ex-army anyway.

For many people university is a waste of time, if he’s dropped out twice I’d accept that it’s over and applaud his new path.

If he does drop out of the army then I’d suggest an apprenticeship to an electrician/ plumber.