DS wants to give his Christmas money to charity

[Balaya]

My DS14 has few wants, he's not a materialistic child and has cheap hobbies. We and the rest of the family struggle to buy him presents.

Aunt has just called round with selection box plus a card with £50 in it. He opened it, said 'thank you, I'll put it in my charity jar' and did just that. I think he'll do the same with numerous other cash gifts he's likely to get.

I'm proud he's such a selfless boy, but I do feel this is quite rude. Family also nearly always ask what he bought with the money too.

He has asd and I've tried to explain that the person giving the money really wants you to buy a gift for yourself, but he doesn't get it. And it is such a nice thing to do. I'm not really too bothered, he really doesn't need anything else and has a fair amount in savings but I think the gift givers will feel put out, especially the ones who don't have much themselves.

Any thoughts? I've suggested he tell them he's added the money to his savings because he doesn't want anything right now, then gives charity gifts from his other savings. I realise it's the same thing but at least the givers will get the message their money will be saved up for something special.

Should I just warn everyone that he's giving all money to charity this year? Or ask them to make a charity donation on his behalf? I think he'd quite like one of those 'gift of a goat' things!

Or if you were the gift giver would it not bother you at all?

Can you suggest he gives half to charity and treats himself with the rest?
Sounds like you've got a really lovely son I'd be ever so proud of him!

It's certainly a nice problem to have.

I need to find something he wants in the future to encourage him to save some money towards it.

I think the half and half is a nice idea :) if nothing else maybe just encourage him to save, does he want to learn to drive or similar?

Money is tight for a lot of people this year so I’d tell them DS genuinely doesn’t want any gifts. If they insist then ask them to please just buy a token gift of socks, or a £5 book voucher or a mug or something.

I already donate regularly to two charities, being totally honest, if I gave my nephew £20 and he baldly stated that he’s giving it to charity, I’d wish I’d kept the money myself.

I don't see how it's rude at all. If someone gives you cash they are the rude one of they think they have any say how it is spent. Someone choosing to spend cash I give them on charity, shoes, gin, books, a night out, PlayStation games or anything else is totally up to them.

He's 14. Let him do what he wants with his own money and continue to be honest about it.

If the money givers don't like it, they'll remember that next year and either buy him a gift or leave it.

I actually don't think it's rude to tell people he's donating the money, but people would see it as amore personal and meaningful gift if he could explain more specifically about the charity and why it's a wonderful gift to him to allow him to support the specific xharity he's chosen.

So something like "we got our beloved dog from the xyz animal rescue and so it makes me happy to be able to support the dogs who are still there" or "my friend Jamie's mum had cancer and x charity helped her so much, so it's important to me to support them, thank you so much for helping me do that".

I'll put it in my charity jar might accidentally sound flippant, but it really won't if he can say which charity and why he is happy to be able to give them a nice amount.

I think the half and half idea is a good one if he goes for it.

Tell him most of the money pays wages and doesn’t all go to the people/animals who need it. Quite shocking the small percentage that reaches the need.

I would ask people to give the money to you to save on his behalf - maybe open a savings account for him and not tell him about it. He can access it when he’s older.

The half and half is a good idea. It encourages charitable giving but also helps him to save - as they get older a good amount of saving behind his could be very useful.
can I also say- what a sweetheart. I wouldn’t worry about it appearing rude. It isn’t and he is impressive with his charity.

When my son was in year 6, him and a couple of his mates all chose to set up just giving pages for their birthdays. It was great cause my son could see the amounts go up.

Isn't gift giving about the recipient?

The gift (when it's money) is the gift of spending power - the power to choose what you do with a sum of money.

Taking that choice away because someone disapproves of him doing what gives him most satisfaction is really quite unpleasant and spiteful.

If he can rephrase why he derives pleasure or contentment or satisfaction from donating the money the way he does that should be more than enough to satisfy anyone who genuinely wants to give him a gift (rather than people for whom its actually all about them).

To be honest, I would be thrilled if one of the kids I give to did this. Agree that explaining which charity and why may go down well. But I wouldn’t expect relatives to give my DC cash they couldn’t afford - if they are, that’s a different problem that you need to deal with sternly. And if they can afford it then it’s a really nice thing for him to spend money on and it should be entirely his perogative how he spends it. Are we really in a world where buying robux is somehow seen as a better use of relatives’ money than giving to charity???

Your son understands more about the true spirit of Christmas than anyone who thinks he is ungrateful or should spend his money on himself.

What a thoughtful lad. I think splitting it 50/50 savings and charity is a great idea and I certainly wouldn't be offended if he was my nephew and he said "thanks for the money, I've put half in my savings account to spend on something I need in the future and given half to XX charity as I know there are people/animals out there who aren't as lucky as I am and I'd like to help them"

This

Agree it's a good idea for him to share which causes and why - especially if it's local or personally important

I think it sounds like a lovely thing to do. Which charity is he supporting? Maybe you could tell people exactly where the money is going if you think this would help?

Good kid.

I would suggest the half and half. But ultimately, it's his money once he's been given it. If the people who give it don't like it, they won't give again. I don't think I could be annoyed at someone giving away the money I'd given them. Especially a child.

When someone gifts you money, they've gifted you money to do with as you see fit. If that's what he wants to do with it, I'd let him.
If people want to stipulate what someone spends gifted money on, they shouldnt be giving cash and instead just gift the item they have determined is suitable. Imo it's more rude to give someone cash and then try and tell them how to spend it.

Don't assume the gift giver would be upset. I think it's wonderful.
Obviously you are better placed to judge the gift givers feelings. I would suggest giving them a heads up in advance or encourage your son just to say I'll pop it in my money box.

I think in terms of life skills its as important to teach the selfless kids to keep something back for themselves as it is to teach the selfish ones the rewards of generosity and charity. As an adult he will have to think of his longer term savings, even if thats a rental deposit, a mortgage or a pension. And he should not use his money to fund other people (otherwise friends could exploit his lack of materialism). I would suggest to him that he sets a rule to limit the contribution to the charity jar to 10% (the concept of tithing). And starts a savings account for his future. Show him how that money could grow with interest. Explain what he will need for future security. This will set him up for good financial management. I have a daughter a bit like this. I think you have to strike a balance.

If I was the giver, I’d think your son was a lovely human being. Be proud of him.

I'd be happy giving money to a kid who wanted to give it to charity. What a nice kid!

Thanks everyone.

I wholeheartedly agree that a gift given is no longer your concern, and I know that lots of my family won't see it that way.

I really like the 50:50 idea. Perhaps ask him to do that then if he hasn't found anything to spend it on by summer he could donate it if he still wants to.

Maybe I can get him to phrase it as 'thank you, I'm going to save some and give some to charity too'.

I'd like him to explain the charity, he does have some topical ones like the Ukraine and food banks but in all honesty he's a charity chugger dream, he would give his money to anyone who said they needed it. We've had to pay to turn the ads off on YouTube because the algorithm started throwing up no end of starving children and abused animal charity ads 😬