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Original poster

DS wants to give his Christmas money to charity

71 replies

Balaya · 11/12/2022 16:18

My DS14 has few wants, he's not a materialistic child and has cheap hobbies. We and the rest of the family struggle to buy him presents.

Aunt has just called round with selection box plus a card with £50 in it. He opened it, said 'thank you, I'll put it in my charity jar' and did just that. I think he'll do the same with numerous other cash gifts he's likely to get.

I'm proud he's such a selfless boy, but I do feel this is quite rude. Family also nearly always ask what he bought with the money too.

He has asd and I've tried to explain that the person giving the money really wants you to buy a gift for yourself, but he doesn't get it. And it is such a nice thing to do. I'm not really too bothered, he really doesn't need anything else and has a fair amount in savings but I think the gift givers will feel put out, especially the ones who don't have much themselves.

Any thoughts? I've suggested he tell them he's added the money to his savings because he doesn't want anything right now, then gives charity gifts from his other savings. I realise it's the same thing but at least the givers will get the message their money will be saved up for something special.

Should I just warn everyone that he's giving all money to charity this year? Or ask them to make a charity donation on his behalf? I think he'd quite like one of those 'gift of a goat' things!

Or if you were the gift giver would it not bother you at all?

OP posts:
DameHelena · 11/12/2022 17:02

I don't think I'd be offended if I gave someone cash and they told me they'd given it to a charity that means a lot to them. I would think what a good person they were.
In any case, presents are meant to be given without strings or expectations.
Having said that, if he would like those things where people buy you a goat etc for charity, maybe suggest that to people? Often with these things you get a small material token like a stuffed toy/pic of 'your' goat etc, which they could give to him so he's got a present as well as a donation.
He sounds like such a lovely kid.

Beachhutnut · 11/12/2022 17:04

Good on him. He can write them a thank you and let them know it was very generous, pre-empt the questions. You should be proud op.

RunRunRunSomeMore · 11/12/2022 17:06

I don't see that it's any kind of problem, and wouldn't feel put out if I were the giver.

When you give a cash gift to someone you do it precisely so they can spend it how they want. If their situation, personality or values are such that that means giving it to a good cause, then all the better. They get to do what they want with it and everyone gets to know that someone in need has been helped.

The last thing I'd want to do is make him more selfish.

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excelledyourself · 11/12/2022 17:07

You could suggest that he saves the money, then uses it to organise an actual charity event, therefore increasing the overall donation and getting other people involved?

Spidey66 · 11/12/2022 17:07

Aww that's so sweet of him. You've clearly brought him up to think of others.....Well done!

I'd encourage the 50/50 but if he insists, 14s old enough to understand the consequences of his decision.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2022 17:10

Allsnotwell · 11/12/2022 16:29

Tell him most of the money pays wages and doesn’t all go to the people/animals who need it. Quite shocking the small percentage that reaches the need.

I would ask people to give the money to you to save on his behalf - maybe open a savings account for him and not tell him about it. He can access it when he’s older.

Don't bloody tell him that! FFS there are loads of charities whose model is great. I can give you a list if that's actually your concern, rather than just an excuse to keep your money. Which is fine BTW, go ahead.

But people who pretend they want to give but have moral objections annoy me. And then tell other people not to.

Ponderingwindow · 11/12/2022 17:12

It’s not rude at all. The money has been gifted and graciously accepted. It isn’t even being frittered away on sweets.

I think the larger issue is that charitable giving has to be balanced with considering our own needs. If he wants to live a charitable life, then getting a good education and a good job will enable him to earn enough to keep making donations over a lifetime. He should consider saving some of this money to fund his own education and housing entry. Also impart the message that it is ok to spend on something indulgent as well. No one should be expected to be selfless all the time.

MillyMollyManky · 11/12/2022 17:16

It’s not rude at all. Let him do what he wants with his Christmas money.

Sartre · 11/12/2022 17:22

I don’t think it’s rude at all personally because you don’t gift someone money then dictate what they spend it on. Giving it to charity obviously makes him happier than spending it on materialistic things so whatever, let him!

CatSeany · 11/12/2022 17:31

It really wouldn't upset me as a gift giver. I'd probably feel quite warmed by the thoughtfulness behind it. As a parent though, I'd maybe encourage half to be donated to charity and half to go into a savings account for him to access for later in life, for driving lessons or a car or things for higher education if he goes down that route.

WinterLobelia · 11/12/2022 17:44

Runningintolife · 11/12/2022 17:00

I think in terms of life skills its as important to teach the selfless kids to keep something back for themselves as it is to teach the selfish ones the rewards of generosity and charity. As an adult he will have to think of his longer term savings, even if thats a rental deposit, a mortgage or a pension. And he should not use his money to fund other people (otherwise friends could exploit his lack of materialism). I would suggest to him that he sets a rule to limit the contribution to the charity jar to 10% (the concept of tithing). And starts a savings account for his future. Show him how that money could grow with interest. Explain what he will need for future security. This will set him up for good financial management. I have a daughter a bit like this. I think you have to strike a balance.

I was going to say something along these lines. I have a 12 year old with ASD and he is very similar. He has already been rolled by 'friends' for robux quite a few times and we have had to implement a fairly subtle financial awareness training around his pocket money and savings and the like as he is potentially totally vulnerable to exploutation in the future. TBH the robux thing is indirectly positive as he has 'only' lost around £100 and that is a cheap lesson potentially.

Prescottdanni123 · 11/12/2022 18:05

@Allsnotwell

Not true at all. As someone else said, lots of charities have good models.

Depending on the charity, a lot of the 'paid workers' are actually volunteers.

Wibbly1008 · 11/12/2022 18:08

Can you explain that he doesn’t need things now, but you can’t take care of all his needs forever and he might need the money in the future- then pay it in to his bank account. He sound lovely, but maybe a little naive about life as all children are.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 11/12/2022 18:19

Runningintolife · 11/12/2022 17:00

I think in terms of life skills its as important to teach the selfless kids to keep something back for themselves as it is to teach the selfish ones the rewards of generosity and charity. As an adult he will have to think of his longer term savings, even if thats a rental deposit, a mortgage or a pension. And he should not use his money to fund other people (otherwise friends could exploit his lack of materialism). I would suggest to him that he sets a rule to limit the contribution to the charity jar to 10% (the concept of tithing). And starts a savings account for his future. Show him how that money could grow with interest. Explain what he will need for future security. This will set him up for good financial management. I have a daughter a bit like this. I think you have to strike a balance.

All of this.
My parents taught us this with cash gifts..some to spend, some to save and some in the box.
Spend: Everyone deserves a treat, however don’t spend for spendings sake, if you don’t need or want a treat just yet, save it.
Savings Your money is safe in the bank, it’s still your money, the bank is holding it for you.
The Box (A Charity Box we kept at home) We could put in how much we wanted, 20% was the norm.
You have a lovely, thoughtful young man op.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 11/12/2022 18:35

I think it's rude, people are finding it tough this year and might have given less to someone else so your son can have a gift. If he doesn't want anything it'd be kinder to say to the people giving that he doesn't want anything and that he'd rather people saved their money. If people wanted to donate to charity instead of giving him a present they would, as it happens they wanted him to have a gift.

Sounds like he doesn't really know the value of money to me (or maybe he's just from a wealthy background?) I don't know many children who aren't from money who would do this right now, money is very tight for many.

DappledThings · 11/12/2022 18:42

I think it's rude, people are finding it tough this year and might have given less to someone else so your son can have a gift.
And the son did get a gift, a gift he is choosing to spend how he wants. It's incredibly rude to me to assume as the giver that you have any influence over where that gift is spent and would resent it being spent in one way and not another.

Judgyjudgy · 11/12/2022 18:49

Surely he's free to spend it on what he wants. I think that's really lovely and you shouldn't discourage that (I can see if the aunt would be miffed but that says more about her/society)

Reugny · 11/12/2022 18:51

Allsnotwell · 11/12/2022 16:29

Tell him most of the money pays wages and doesn’t all go to the people/animals who need it. Quite shocking the small percentage that reaches the need.

I would ask people to give the money to you to save on his behalf - maybe open a savings account for him and not tell him about it. He can access it when he’s older.

That depends on the charity.

londonmummy1966 · 11/12/2022 18:53

Perhaps take him to a supermarket with his half for charity and get him to shop for things to donate to the foodbank - a useful exercise in seeing how far he can make the money go in terms of buying what the foodbank say they need - perhaps he could have a chat with them beforehand. Then he can write to explain what he actually did and what he learnt - then at least the giver can see that it was something that he enjoyed doing. Maybe he could even do a voluntary session although given his age you or his dad would have to go with him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/12/2022 19:07

I’d suggest he starts putting 10% to charity, 20% to savings, and then divvys up the rest for things he wants - or if he really doesn’t, save it for uni or travel.

It sounds like he hasn’t understood there is a purpose to saving yet.

katseyes7 · 11/12/2022 19:17

If l had a son and he said he wanted to do that (especially at that age) l'd be bursting with pride. He's going to grow up to be an incredible adult and l really hope (I'm sure he will) he stays that way.
If l give someone (say my stepsons, who are older than your son, OP) money, it's up to them what they do with it. Fortunately my boys and my friends children (also all grown up now, but when they were younger) are, and were, thoughtful in a similar way.
I agree with half and half. Suggest he saves half (if he doesn't have one already, a savings account for his future might be a good idea) and maybe choose a small local good cause which resonates with him, where you know the money is actually used to benefit the cause, and not going on admin and 'fees'.
Congratulations, OP. Your son sounds like an amazing young man and an absolute credit to you.

MillyMollyManky · 11/12/2022 19:18

londonmummy1966 · 11/12/2022 18:53

Perhaps take him to a supermarket with his half for charity and get him to shop for things to donate to the foodbank - a useful exercise in seeing how far he can make the money go in terms of buying what the foodbank say they need - perhaps he could have a chat with them beforehand. Then he can write to explain what he actually did and what he learnt - then at least the giver can see that it was something that he enjoyed doing. Maybe he could even do a voluntary session although given his age you or his dad would have to go with him.

if he wanted to spend the money on himself, would you expect him to go through this rigmarole?

StickyCricket · 11/12/2022 19:27

I think suggesting he does some volunteer work for a charity is a great idea.

He sounds lovely and really well meaning.

An awareness of the cost of things he may need in the future such as driving lessons, uni, etc, National minimum wage, and the amount of hours someone may have worked to give him £50 is no bad thing.

familyissues12345 · 11/12/2022 19:42

Let him do what he wants, I've got a boy like that (also 14) and he's just got the biggest heart. I've never met someone who has a more kinder soul than him - I'm very proud!

SweetSakura · 11/12/2022 19:58

Runningintolife · 11/12/2022 17:00

I think in terms of life skills its as important to teach the selfless kids to keep something back for themselves as it is to teach the selfish ones the rewards of generosity and charity. As an adult he will have to think of his longer term savings, even if thats a rental deposit, a mortgage or a pension. And he should not use his money to fund other people (otherwise friends could exploit his lack of materialism). I would suggest to him that he sets a rule to limit the contribution to the charity jar to 10% (the concept of tithing). And starts a savings account for his future. Show him how that money could grow with interest. Explain what he will need for future security. This will set him up for good financial management. I have a daughter a bit like this. I think you have to strike a balance.

I think this is sensible advice. Speaking as a child who would give all I had to others. I needed to learn lines in the sand and that it was ok to prioritise myself too.