DS wants to give his Christmas money to charity

[Balaya]

My DS14 has few wants, he's not a materialistic child and has cheap hobbies. We and the rest of the family struggle to buy him presents.

Aunt has just called round with selection box plus a card with £50 in it. He opened it, said 'thank you, I'll put it in my charity jar' and did just that. I think he'll do the same with numerous other cash gifts he's likely to get.

I'm proud he's such a selfless boy, but I do feel this is quite rude. Family also nearly always ask what he bought with the money too.

He has asd and I've tried to explain that the person giving the money really wants you to buy a gift for yourself, but he doesn't get it. And it is such a nice thing to do. I'm not really too bothered, he really doesn't need anything else and has a fair amount in savings but I think the gift givers will feel put out, especially the ones who don't have much themselves.

Any thoughts? I've suggested he tell them he's added the money to his savings because he doesn't want anything right now, then gives charity gifts from his other savings. I realise it's the same thing but at least the givers will get the message their money will be saved up for something special.

Should I just warn everyone that he's giving all money to charity this year? Or ask them to make a charity donation on his behalf? I think he'd quite like one of those 'gift of a goat' things!

Or if you were the gift giver would it not bother you at all?

Excellent question. It seems to be that the options are either to spend the money on something entirely for himself with a quick thank you or spend a massive amount of additional time and effort researching how charity works and explaining this to the original giver. So spend as a consumer = help yourself and minimal thanks. Spend as a donor = a task required to justify it. An incredibly weird double standard.

I don’t think it’s rude, but I do think that he might need the money one day, even if he thinks he doesn’t need it now.

could you maybe talk to him about putting it in a saving account? If he really doesn’t need it when he buys a car / goes to uni, he could give it to charity then?

A different bank account for when he is 21, specifically telling him it's for a house deposit. Call it the House Deposit Bank Account. "Your auntie has put money in your House Deposit Bank Account for your birthday".

Your son sounds lovely though :)

I don’t see how it’s rude at all? What a generous boy, I’d be chuffed if I gave a teenager money and they told me they’d given it to charity. Better than buying something for the sale of it

I suspected instantly asd.

You need to help him understand he should always split up his money.

Maybe get him going on a spreadsheet?
He needs to learn to divide up his money into chairty, savings, spending....this is a must for life.

@Lcb123

Because he's vulnerable as well as not understandings the implications.

Admirable if it was his own earned money, however I don't think he has enough financial or time awareness in context of future needs.

There will be things he will need in the future or things he would like to do in the future plus the givers may not be around forever or be able to keep giving. Does he know eg how much driving lessons or cars or fuel cost? How would he be able to fund it in the fairly near future, short of u, the parent/s funding it all.

Charities are not all about just money, worth mentioning that he could donate his time to some local charity or activity instead, that would at least show more of a commitment.

If he chooses charity then make it something local.

I don't think I would mind if my nephew gave my cash gift to charity.

Some of the best philanthropists invested money to support good causes longer term. If he fancies the challenge, he could look at ways of making more from his gifted money, then donate / reinvest the profits eg. Buy £10 of cake ingredients and sell cakes for £20 then donate the extra £10 to charity. That way he doesn't lose his money but the charities still gain. And he gains skills.

He could do all these things and more. He could set up a spreadsheet, research long term interest rates and calculate that the ideal ratio would be to donate £12.34 each to two different charities, splitting it for tax purposes, and save the remaining £25.32 towards a house deposit for when he's 172 and houses become affordable again.

Or he could just donate it charity, 'cause you know - it's HIS money and he can do what the fuck he likes with it.

Seriously, it says a lot about peoples' attitudes and values that they get their knickers in such a twist about a simple act of somebody giving some money away. Like it's going to destroy their entire future and the international financial system with it. Ironically, nobody would be caring this much if he wanted to spend it on a playstation, a mobile phone upgrade or a million other pieces of unnecessary consumerism serving nothing more than his own superficial, short term needs. But the idea of GIVING it to some cause that might actually do some good in the world, and not expecting something towards his own personal future in return . . . NOOOOOO!

If he were spending the money on himself I would expect him to write a thank you letter which explained what he'd bought, why he wanted and how he'd use it etc so yes - it's basic good manners to explain what you've spent the money on and a bit about the decision and what it means to you. I know that good manners are often seen as old fashioned and unnecessary on here but I think it's important that children learn that when someone thinks about you and gives you a gift you spend a little time explaining to them what it means

As an autism parent too, I wold be teaching some life skills around money management. Children like ours are very vulnerable to being targeted and manipulated for money etc. it's really important that they learn how to manage money, pay bills, cover costs, anticipate costs and that it would be usual to put a percentage of what's left to charity.

Encourage him to put it in a Savings account now that interest rates have finally risen. He could save for his own future?

I don't think it's rude. They are gifting him cash and it should be without stipulations (even nice ones like get yourself a gift). Once the money is given, it's up to your son what he does with it.

I’m (obviously) not referring to writing a thank you letter- that’s hardly a rigmarole, nor is it old-fashioned.

I’m referring to the suggestion that, if he’s wants to donate the money, he should also give up his time to shop for the food bank and volunteer there as well. It seems very odd to me that you’d expect someone making a donation to do this while someone spending the money on himself wouldn’t be expected to.

Let him do it.

When you give someone a gift, you have no control over what they do with it, so the relatives will have to suck it up.

I couldn’t care less what anyone does with money I give them, it’s given without conditions.

However, I’d encourage him to keep some to pay for anything he does want in future, there will be something at some point, which you will then have to pay for unnecessarily. Spending all your money isn’t a good thing, even if that thing is charity, it’s you job to teach him that.

So some some to charity is lovely, the rest in a savings account for future...clothes, trainers, days out, McDonald’s, ubers, bus fare, a car, a house......whatever. Everyone needs money at some stage.

Maybe talk to him about how expensive being an adult is and all the things he might need money for as an adult - driving lessons, buying a car, buying a house, bills, food. It's really lovely to donate some of his money to charity, but if he doesn't think of his needs too then he could end up like someone of the people he feels bad for!

I think I'd have stepped in long ago and said no to him giving all his money to charity - it sounds more like emotional exploitation of him than anything else. Also he needs to not give charities his details or they may hound him, want him to set up ever increasing direct debits and sell his details on (not sure if that's been put a stop to now, hopefully so).

Have you spoken to him about how a lot of charities are big business now? Maybe talk to him about how much the CEO's of the big charities are being paid so he understands not all his money is probably going where he'd like it.

I'd encourage him onto something like Lendwithcare - where you lend money to people who need it, and then they slowly pay you back (you may lose some money over time but you generally get most of it back) then he could keep helping people, choose and see exactly where his money is going and then once paid back use that money to again help someone else. This is also helping people to help themselves out of poverty which avoids concerns around dependence on charity - you could talk to him about that as well.

@Choconut

"Emotional exploitation", exactly.

Eh? Rude? I'd be so moved if my kid did this. It's such a clear demonstration of being able to hold empathy with others over desires for yourself. What a fab kid.

Do consider whether he has been 'guilted' by watching too many manipulative charity adverts on daytime tv channels or the internet. There is always someone worse off than you and always some organisation willing to part you from what you legitimately need to keep to care for yourself.
I am thinking of the vulnerable pensioners signing direct debits to charities who knock at their doors.

I do Lendwithcare myself and you are right, that would be a great option but keep a limit on how 'unnecessarily guilty' he is made to feel. None of mine have defaulted yet, so you feel like you really can make a difference.