Confident people, how do you do it?

[ElfShake]

I’ve always really admired confident people, and always wanted to be like that myself.

What goes through your head if you lose at something or embarrass yourself, or if somebody tries to bully you?

I’m trying really hard to ‘fake it til you make it’ but life keeps knocking me down pretty hard. Please share your secrets!

Ok so I am very confident and here is my trick. If I feel embarrassed or that I said or did something stupid every time I think of it I silently say to myself (didn't happen didn't happen didn't happen) and it gets deleted from my memory.

I laugh it out and think everyone else will just be glad it didn’t happen to them.

I’m very confident but not sure if I can answer your question really. The truth is, I don’t worry about things socially I suppose and don’t overthink. I just know that I’m a big character, some people love me and others don’t and that’s absolutely fine. Why worry about it? I don’t embarrass easily at all and will laugh things off. I’ve never had anyone try to bully me, or at least not that I’ve noticed. Plenty of people have said unkind things at one point or another over the years and I can honestly say I couldn’t give two hoots and will easily giggle things off - my opinion is much more important to me. You can’t be the main character in everyone’s story but you should at least be in your own. I worry about what I want and let others worry about what they like.

I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever felt embarrassed. It’s just not an emotion I’m familiar with. I’ve felt sad and angry and disappointed of course if I’m rejected or fail at something but most of the time I know these things aren’t a reflection on me. I also don’t really care if people like me or what they think of me. I was bullied at school and desperately wanted to be liked as a teenager until I had the epiphany in my twenties of thinking those people sucked anyway so why was I trying to please them?

Yep, can relate to all of this. Even when I wasn’t popular in school I still had a certain level of confidence e.g. to voice my opinions and wear what I wanted, so I think to a degree it must just be innate because I’ve like this as long as I can remember

Embarrassment is a difficult one to compare. I’m not madly confident but I also don’t recognise a lot of what you say, about being embarrassed or bullied or losing at things. Is that because a situation you’d find embarrassing, other people just… don’t? So it’s not about getting over the embarrassment, because there’s not really any there to begin with, iyswim?

Broadly, I only care what others think of me in the sense that I care that the people I like and respect don’t think I’m an asshole, and I care to think that most people who meet me find me a decent enough sort. I therefore regulate my behaviour in accordance with that. I don’t care at all what strangers or the world at large think about my lifestyle, my possessions, my dress sense or my choices. I’m not afraid of looking stupid doing something or of people laughing at me for what I’m doing.

And that’s ultimately where my confidence comes from. I don’t share the collective insanity that pervades human cultures throughout the world: an irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people think of me. And the great thing about this? Turns out most people actually respect this and like you better for it.

(And besides. The reality is that no one really cares that much about what you’re doing. People are highly self-absorbed. They’re mostly thinking about themselves. You really should just dance as if nobody is watching you. Because they generally aren’t.)

This is a long but good read about confidence and developing your sense of self so that you care less about outsiders’ opinions:

waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.htm

I once did a leadership course which talked about confidence as an emotion rather than something we innately are or aren't. We don't feel it all the time, but we can dial it up or fake it if we need to.

I am a big overthinker and worrier and find parties/new people cause me a lot of anxiety, but I am fine when public speaking to a group. I think I come across as far more confident than I feel inside, so I try to tell myself that other seemingly confident people feel the same.

I hit 32 and stopped giving a shit what people thought of me, and drew healthy boundaries, learned to say no.

If I do something embarrassing , eg trip up the stairs in front of people, just announce 'wow, that was embarrassing!' or give a silly bow. Meh, people do embarrassing things all the time, me included. If I tell a joke and it bombs, I'll make tumble weed and lonely bell noises 😆like on Shooting Stars (middle-aged person alert).

Honestly, I'm still riddled with self doubt and suffer from imposter syndrome, but you wouldn't know it. I'm also weird and socially inept, but come across as confident.

I don't overthink stuff like that. I'm confident in my abilities and understand everyone makes mistakes.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if I lost at something, and I've never really been embarrassed - and if I do something embarrassing I tend to laugh about it.

I've never been bullied so can't comment. Had a few ex-colleagues try but they got shut down pretty damn quick so never really got to that stage. I tend to grey rock anyone with those tendencies.

Me I just say I'm strange anyway in a kinda Adams family strange way, and for confidence in general, sometimes someone has to lead and help guide others, so I try to help and assist when I can.

I think everyone is “star of their own show” and it is realising that what ever you think people will notice or judge you for. 99.9% of people don’t notice or judge you as they have too much shit going on in their own show/lives to take notice of what you do or how you present yourself and the other .1% can be ignored as they are a**holes who have so little going on in their own lives that they have to make you star of their show and direct attention onto your show to cover up the fact that their life is a bargain bucket Betamax video.

When you have a negative thought, try adding a phrase like "and that's fine' or "and I can handle it' to the end of it. E.g. 'DS-i-L clearly doesn't like me and that's fine' or 'I completely messed up that presentation and I can handle that' (as in, get over it, learn from it, not dwell on it.)

This is exactly the type of personality that I admire so much! I definitely do care way too much about what people I don’t even like very much think. It’s been really helpful hearing that it’s as simple as that.

@LimeSupper I suppose bullies don’t bother if it’s obvious that you won’t take their crap. Do you think you’d respond if anyone ever did try, or do you think that you’re confident enough that it just honestly wouldn’t bother you?

This is brilliant advice, I love the idea of a little bow! I’m almost 30 and I think I’ve just hit that same point in life, but unfortunately it turns out I’ve been people-pleasing some entitled sods who have turned nasty and started vandalising my home because they don’t like the new boundaries I’ve set🙄

Well done for putting the work in, I think part of true confidence is getting on with it even when you doubt yourself a little!

I’m not sure how someone could bully me?! I mean, they could say unkind things to me but I’d have to be affected by them to be bullied I suppose. If someone says something unkind, I tend to think it reflects badly on them and I judge them as being unkind. I care about MY opinions on others, it’s for others to worry about their opinions. Not my problem. Having said that, I’m a big character and will absolutely call someone out for being rude in the moment.

I absolutely love this way of thinking about things, thank you! Are you sure it’s just 1% though? If so I think I must be involved with the wrong people, something I should probably look at.

Age. Couldn't give a shit anymore!! I think there's also an element of faking it to make it

Fake it till you make it! I am naturally shy but have practised and practised (mostly at work) and I'm pretty confident now in most situations. It does get easier (in my experience)

It depends really.

If I hurt someone in an embarrassing way I feel a great deal of shame. Like saying something that made them feel bad etc.

If I embarrass myself by doing something like crap drunk karaoke, falling over, my pants rip open and other generally harmless mishaps then I just don't give a shit. It's just not within me to care what someone things of my harmless human failings.

People don't try to bully me as an adult tbh. Any jibes or boundry pushing at the beginning doesn't work because I tell them to pack it in and back off. Or I give it back harder. So it never goes farther. Learned that lesson at school after many months of awful bullying. Said experience also makes me feel great sympathy for anyone who is so if I see someone bullying I let my derision for them be known.

I have my own issues as we all do - body image, hang ups over major past fuck ups that caused harm. But day to day confidence isn't an issue because honestly I just do not care. Fuck anyone who tries to make me feel bad for no meaningful reason.

Oh and have compassion for yourself. Nobody's perfect. The world will keep turning if you do something embarrassing.

I just don't feel embarrassment regularly and don't feel unsure of myself

The only thing that would be embarrassing would be doing something horrid and getting caught. Everything else is just life. I can trip or get something wrong and the world won’t stop - everyone will have this happen sometime so style it out. I can never believe the thing ga people worry about. One day you are dead and it’s all gone so get stuck in and be useful and have fun. Don’t sweat the small shit.

That’s such a healthy way to view the world, I love how you just see them as unkind and leave it at that, not letting it affect you further. Thanks for the insight, especially the part about being the main character in your own story!

I rely on God.

The Bible is full of what to do when something good or bad happens.

I meant to mention to passion but see that Isontwanttobeapie did - really important to have a kind inner voice and to not save it for others