Confident people, how do you do it?

[ElfShake]

I’ve always really admired confident people, and always wanted to be like that myself.

What goes through your head if you lose at something or embarrass yourself, or if somebody tries to bully you?

I’m trying really hard to ‘fake it til you make it’ but life keeps knocking me down pretty hard. Please share your secrets!

I guess I'm confident. If I say something daft or someone embarrassed me I say' oh pompon you dick' out loud!

If someone tries to bully me. I just say fuck you. I also compartmentalise so that I don't dwell.

I think that if you have good self esteem then you’re less likely to be picked out as a target, and you’re also much more likely to remove yourself instantly if a situation did arise.

IME I tend to put up with people even if I can tell straight away that they’re unkind, because I struggle with boundaries and don’t have the self esteem to say that no, I will not tolerate this. But then it becomes a vicious cycle because it knocks your confidence even further, so you’re targeted more often and then you start to believe that if so many people treat you this way then there must be something inherently wrong with you, so eventually you stop branching out. It’s so hard to break out of!

I didn't hit my groove of confidence until I hit 35. I had a shocking childhood with awful parents who always left me feeling out of sorts, didn't make any effort, I sailed through school with no assistance but never had the right books for class, wasn't picked up from school, was left to my own devices and was bullied horrendously in school.

Having had to leave home at 19 (my one remaining parent did a runner from the house I'd rented for us and left me with the bills) I coasted through years of awful career decisions, no money and always felt like the outsider in social groups. I then married a horrible narcissist who had multiple affairs behind my back.

Then I snapped. I realised all of a sudden that the whole world had taken me for a ride but I'd got to a good place in my career (even though my husband was keeping me stomped down so I wouldn't leave him) and I applied for a leap of faith job and got it.

6 months later I left the crappy ex despite his threats of "you'll crumble without me" and I went it alone. Bought my first property, sailed through the first couple of years in my job and now I'm 12 years later with an amazing husband, great job with an amazing employer and happy as Larry.

The confidence only kicked in when I told myself that I was a survivor and needed to prove it to myself. But I have a very strong moral code, always call out anyone I see being treated unfairly and I massively overthink things. But I'm happy and very confident although I like to think I'm liked and relatively inoffensive.

I'm very cautious about the outward display of success or confidence that some people like to put out. I'm paranoid about ever bragging anything on social media (haven't touched it for a few years) and I keep myself to myself to a degree. But Im definitely loud and proud without that nobinshness of "look at me" (I hope)

That made me smile @Dollyparton3. You sound cool!

Yeah I think it’s important to know that if someone once is a dick to someone else or is really unkind then that is them. Stay away. Find the nice people. If anyone is rude to me, it has happened here and there, I might make fun of them or their rudeness while naming it, I might be curt back ans would then treat them like an irrelevance. If the friends validates their poor behaviour they would all
be culled instantly. It is their problem not yours but becomes yours if you allow them around you.

Dollyparton - great third act:)

I have no concept of what people think of me.

My DH and I have this conversation about confidence from time to time. He is not so confident and does care what people think of him.

We work well together as a team because when something does go wrong on the lines of what OP alludes to, I'm like 'well it's not the end of the world, move on' and we have a bit of a laugh.

Even in hard times there is always something to smile about and something to be grateful for.

Confidence is not arrogance, its being comfortable with who are, not living in fear and understanding that fundamentally we are all the same.

I am also hugely empathetic so can read the room and act according to the situation. It's actually not all about me!

I was never confident until a traumatic event. Now I’m confident and happy. Life is too short to live in fear of what might happen and what others think.

I'm fairly confident. If I do something stupid or embarrassing I try to figure out how I can avoid making the same mistake again, that helps put it to bed. And I try to focus more on others than myself when with a lot of people, which makes me less self conscious.

Would love to know how people rise above being put down by somebody popular or dominant in a group setting. It's happened to me a few times, I felt confident, secure and content in the group and then one person would start blanking me or being condescending/abrupt and I'd literally wither.
so, I can't seem to carry on the same when there is just ONE person being a cow

I don't make their obvious issues my issue, I couldn't care less what their opinion is, and mostly I feel sorry for them. Imagine being so insecure and pathetic that you feel the need to belittle someone. The way they are behaving only reflects upon themselves and has nothing to do with me.

Obviously it depends on the situation but if it did happen I'd just laugh and put them down back.

Or I'd say 'that was fucking rude are you normally such a twat?'

Or simply 'hmm gross' with an eye roll.

Awww thanks!

Thanks, I got there in the end

I come across as very confident. I can chat to people and find common ground quite easily. I'm good at small talk and excellent at talking about random shit.

If I make a faux pas I own it and brazen it out with humour.

I'm also nice which helps. I don't bitch or exclude people as I've been the person on the recieving end and it sucks.

A lot of it is to do with finding your tribe.

I remember when I'd had my first child I was living in a new town and hardly knew anyone. Signed up to private antenatal classes. Went out with the group a couple of times and could instantly tell that none of them were my kind of people. I gradually made myself unavailable for other get togethers. I can see how other people may have been sucked into that.

Years later it turned out that this group of women were absolutely vile to one another, shagging each others husbands behind their backs, snorting cocaine on school nights while children present, getting thrown out of events for being physically violent to one another, etc.
I've never been so pleased that my spidey senses detected something dodgy and that I had the confidence to keep them out of my life.

The genuine friends that I have (from various walks of life) make me feel more confident. If people around you make you feel low then get rid, honestly, life's too short.

I just don't care what other people think of me other than those closest to me think & know they have by back.

I had a few yrs where a lot of tough stuff happened & I think that make be more resilient & realise that other than health & happiness very little else is worth getting bothered about.

Others have referenced it as an innate self belief: if you are secure on the inside you can make yourself effectively impenetrable on the outside. My answer to confidence: a true belief that you are valid and valuable; an inner monologue unsullied by the assumptions of what others may think of you; an unswerving belief in your values system, attitudes and behaviours. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as others understand your baseline too. The downside: I genuinely believe I am superior to most people I come across: this is clearly an undesirable state of being generally.

in reality for those afflicted with self doubt: assume the following of anybody in your life and repeat until you feel more ebullient: they are likely to be more concerned about themselves than you: stop assuming that have noticed or care; they are not likely to be an expert in the subject matter at heart; they are of no concern to you and should be humoured at best. If they are trying to get a rise out of you this reflects on them not you.

same here, one point I was quite shy, then had mental health issues, tried to rebuild my personality ect and changed the shyness, etc