Confident people, how do you do it?

[ElfShake]

I’ve always really admired confident people, and always wanted to be like that myself.

What goes through your head if you lose at something or embarrass yourself, or if somebody tries to bully you?

I’m trying really hard to ‘fake it til you make it’ but life keeps knocking me down pretty hard. Please share your secrets!

Fake it till you make it is a pile of crap.

Lack of confidence is caused by having negative core beliefs about yourself and the world around you.

To become confident requires changing those beliefs which were probably inflicted on you as a baby/child by your parents.
Changing core beliefs can be insanely difficult.
Listen carefully to your critical inner voice to help identify your core beliefs.

I have zero embarrassment for stupid/dumb things I say or do. I laugh too much at myself to take it seriously.
I laugh a lot but.. I took a SA situation very badly (3 years ago) and it shattered everything I thought I was.
Im almost back on track now but I have an angry edge I never used to have and I don’t like it tbh.
Confidence does come from realising that nothing means that much to anyone else in the grand scheme of things, how infinitely small we are in the universe etc.. and I know how I can get through and over things from a lifetime of doing it.
When it comes to confidence in women, I think it really helps if you don’t care if people judge you on your appearance only - that way lies inner turmoil, whether it be negative or positive judgment.

I realised that at quite a young age that most people are far too preoccupied with their own difficulties or concerns to spend much time looking down on me or thinking badly of me.

Going to have to echo the comments about being blessed/cursed with the inability to care about strangers' opinions about me. If someone tried to "bully" me I would give them a very stern talking to, but then again, I'm 40.
Basically, we all deserve to take up space in the world, nobody is perfect, and as long as nobody gets hurt any massive cock up makes for a future good story.

OK this is what my coach would say: emotion is motion, let it pass through you.

Of course confident people get embarrassed - in fact, I probably get embarrassed more than a less confident person because I actively put myself out there, I try new things, I fall on my arse all the time, both literally and metaphorically. But embarrassment is just an emotion. So it passes and then I move forward.

You're prioritising fear of embarrassment over expectation of joy. Stop doing that. Tell yourself 'I might get embarrassed but I might be amazing at this. I might find it tough but I might walk out of that networking event with six new contacts. I might be the absolute worst person in the world at writing a novel, but I'm actually sitting in the writing group so I'm doing better at writing a novel than almost everyone else in the world.

JFDI

Thanks all for all the tips, I’ll be keeping them all in mind the next time something comes along that I would usually stress about.

I also don’t give a shit about what people think of me, I wear what I like, participate in activities that interest me, decorate my house how I like and also let others do the same thing. You either like me or you don’t (most do) I have a reputation for speaking my mind or some would say putting my foot in it but I can’t change that. I do embarrass myself sometimes but laugh it off and mist importantly move on. I worry about what goes at work all the shit I deal with and that keeps me awake and do reflect back on my working day as i drive home what I did that went well what didn’t but once I e done this I take the key lessons from it and but I can then let this go. I live largely alone and although I enjoy company I’m happy in my own company and I think that’s important for confidence.
But I used to participate in a sport to a high level and I used to spend hours analysing it what was good and bad and kicking myself for my incompetence (I’m actually good at it but struggled to believe this) eventually I gave it up and I feel so much better for doing this it was dragging me down and not really making me happy.

Something I have truly realised in my forties is that nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. When I was younger I expected myself to be perfect and was very hard on myself for falling short. Now I accept that I am going to mess things up - and at work I see one of my contributions is modelling to younger colleagues that you don't have to be perfect. If I make a mistake I just apologise and move on.

I heard a podcast with Dr Tanya Byron once and she recommended having two post-its with "Fuck it" and "Shit happens" written on them. I thought that was really good advice.

Im a confident person. If I lose at something, I just think, "Oh, never mind." It really doesn't bother me whether I win or lose at things. If I embarrass myself, I laugh at myself. I don't take myself too seriously as a general rule. Bullying is a different matter. P
I have had people try to bully me, usually at work. It's different to the other 2 things, because it does bother me. I genuinely don't understand why they're doing it. I tend to just knuckle down & make sure I'm doing all I need to do to get my job done.

I have never felt embarrassed, and I have no fear of making honest mistakes. I've also never been bullied, and I think that's because people know I wouldn't tolerate that nonsense or even care what their opinion is.

I am very confident, my family/relatives are all confident so I guess genetics and the way we were raised and raised our own plays a part.

I just don’t care about anyone else’s opinion unless it’s someone I care about or value their opinion. No one else’s opinion matters.

My approach to life ...

I would describe myself as confident. I think it comes from a lifetime of people responding well to me and liking me - maybe I'm good at putting people at ease. I've always Been confident at speaking out, doing presentations etc. I always sit at the front at classes! I am a teacher too (Tefl) so have practice of all these.

Re losing at things, not sure what kind of things but I'm not v competitive and wouldn't expect to win. It's not like I do anything competitive though so wouldn't really come up.

Re embarrassing myself, I just think that's life, and people are usually relieved it's not them or they don't really notice!

Re other people being unkind or bullying, bothered me v much as a teenager but now, aged 46, I know it's about them not me. I can't imagine letting someone bully me as an adult.

I’m simply ran out of fucks a long time ago.

Life kicked them all out of me and now there is very little I care about. I just don’t care enough to be embarrassed about anything, or to worry what will happen or what other people will think.

What used to help me as well was looking at photos of past times.

I’d look at a photo of a street from the 1920s. All those people walking around, you’d look at someone and think of all the problems she was carrying. The argument she had with someone that morning that was making her sad, or the worrying situation she had in her life that was keeping her up at night. Those things don’t exist anymore and neither does she.

Very little actually matters in the grand scheme of things. I find walking around graveyards and reading old stones gives me the same feeling of peace. All those people had problems. All now gone and forgotten forever.

Oh and I had a boss a few
years ago who tried to bully me. I don’t confront her, I just didn’t care. It infuriated her that it didn’t upset me.

Would love to know how people rise above being put down by somebody popular or dominant in a group setting. It's happened to me a few times, I felt confident, secure and content in the group and then one person would start blanking me or being condescending/abrupt and I'd literally wither.

so, I can't seem to carry on the same when there is just ONE person being a cow.

I wish I could be confident enough to stay confident even when one person is trying to do a wendy.

Yes I’m confident! I’m not an overthinker, I’ve never been bullied! I tend to not take myself serious at all! I can easily say no if I do t want to do something! I’m not really a people pleaser at all, people that know me would say they wish they could be a bit more like me, it’s not hard I just say what I think, I’m not a nasty person at all don’t suffer from jealousy in the slightest! And have a small group of friends who I’ve been friends with for over 20 years, I would call someone out for being unkind.don’t like nastiness of any kind towards someone, friends say my one liners are legendary 🤣🤣

I'm not confident, but people think I am until they know me properly.

I suppose I'm quite stubborn in that if I know something is the right thing to do I won't back down.

I'm not sure it's fake it until I make it, because I don't think I'll ever make it though.

I was bullied a lot as a child for being fat.

As a result of so many people's unkindness, I ended up with an unshakeable knowledge that most people are stupid, thoughtless, spineless twats.

This resulted in an internal superciliousness, (which I have enough self awareness not to display publicly!) and a confidence in myself and my abilities.

So mine came largely through adversity. As I've got older I just give less of a toss about what people think about me. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about other people ( outside of my friends and family who I truly care about) so I assume people don't think that much about me either. And that is very freeing. There's a certain self absorption in thinking that people outside of your nearest and dearest give you more than a cursory thought and if you can shake that off, you're halfway there.

Been faking it for 38 years - the inside of my head is completely different to what people see. I wish I could stop masking and just be authentically myself but it's gone on for too long now!

I definitely would not class myself as confident but I don't get embarrassed at losing at stuff and no-one has ever tried to bully me. I guess other people might see me as confident but I don't feel it inside.

I think you just have to train yourself to not give a shit. None of us are getting out of here alive so do you want to spend your short time on earth feeling worried about what people think of you or do you want to be happy and enjoy yourself. Yes I know it's easier said than done, but I think over time you gradually become more confident. I was horrendously shy to the point of being almost mute as a child, terrified of public speaking as a teen, and much more confident as an adult. A lot of it is practice.

A good book is How To Be Assertive in Any Situation.

Can you give an example?

This has literally never happened to me so I'm trying hard to imagine what it would be like but I can't?

Honestly if someone was mean to me in whatever setting I would either retaliate or refuse to spend any time with them again.

Almost everyone I'm friends with in multiple group settings are really nice so never encountered people putting other people down.

I'm not sure if it'll be helpful or not as I still feel like an imposter and get nervous in some situations but most people around me would describe me as "confident", my partner laughs when I say something such as "I'm not confident" / "get nervous" etc, and in myself I've certainly felt more confident over the years (I used to be a wreck at times!).

For me it's about realising "what matters"?

Does it matter if you "lose at something"? No, especially if just a game.

Does it matter if you lose at a debate? No, as you can never lose: if you're point if proven that's great, if you realise you were wrong then that's great, and now you've learnt something.

Does it matter if someone doesn't "like you"? No, many others will and they're reason for not liking you is likely flawed

Does it matter if you make a mistake? No, as hey it's just a mistake, everyone makes them and it says nothing about you as a person.

Does it matter if you slip / trip / snort when laughing? No, doesn't say anything about you as a person.

Does it matter if you're opinion isn't a popular opinion: no, it's just an opinion, but I get that it can at times takes bravery to go against the crowd.

If something ever starts to play over in my mind, I somethings think: Will this matter in 10 years? Will anyone even have remembered this in 10 years? Chances are not.

And where you've genuinely done something to be ashamed of (not stood up for what was right, not lived in accordance with your values, snapped when you shouldn't have etc etc), it's unlikely to matter as those around you that love you will understand and forgive (as everyone, at sometime in their life, makes mistakes - it's not the end of the world). Those that don't understand or won't forgive, it's just a sign their values aren't what they should be so it doesn't matter what they think.

If there's some activity or circumstance that you often lack confidence in (for me this was presenting, and I am in a profession where I often end up having to speak to 400+ live and / or am asked to make a speech at an awards ceremony etc), find crutches that get you through it, and just push yourself to do it over and over again knowing that like anything in life, the more you do it the easier it gets. I used to for example get incredibly sweaty (!), tongue tied, my vocabulary would shrink to 3 words but I learnt that if I just make a few bullets, go with the flow, be myself, it'll all be fine and hey, who cares if I don't choose the optimum words - at least I tried.

Which is almost a Segway into the final point of just be yourself safe in the knowledge that all anyone can everyone ask of anyone in life is that that person is trying to be their best self and will make mistakes along the way, come up short at times and that's all part of life - those that matter, will understand and for them it won't matter - they'll be cheering you on!

Hope this helps and if not, hey, I won't get upset about it :)

If this happened to me I would put it down to the other person being insecure. I’d probably catch somebody else’s eye and have a shared smile about it. I’d know that most people in the group would be internally rolling their eyes at the person, so it wouldn’t make me feel small.

I think having humility and being able to sincerely say sorry. And also laugh at yourself. And not give a fuck