Neighbour overstepping

[Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink]

Can I ask for some help on how/whether to raise this with my neighbour?

She’s an elderly lady who seems to have problems with needing things to be neat and proper.

We live in semi-detached houses and our front gardens adjoin with a patch of grass. No fence/physical boundary. It’s a tiny patch of grass about 0.75x1.5m with flowerbeds around it.

My garden is messy by her standards (cut grass and trim the bushes once a month) and she’s very prim and proper (cut grass once a week, not a single weed).

She has a gardener who keeps mowing and weeding my side recently. I’m irritated as he leaves stray grass cuttings all over my steps, and I’m also irritated that she’s instructing a 3rd party to do work on my property that I haven’t asked for. I’m quite happy for her to leave my side as it is.

I’m also annoyed that she keeps putting my bin in my driveway after the bin men have come if I’m out at work. She leaves it half way up my drive in the way of my garden gate and me parking my car where I want to park it.

I appreciate she’s probably thinks she’s being nice but something inside me is irrationally angry about this (admittedly probably a childhood thing because of having a horribly invasive mother). I Just want to have my space and run my property how I want to run it, and I don’t want bossy/judgemental neighbours in my space. I want to mow my grass when I want to mow it, I want to do no-mow May when I want, and I want to sweep my steps after I mow my grass so I don’t walk grass into the house. I want my bin left where the bin men leave it, which is still on my property and not in anyone’s way so I can park my car where I want to park it. I put it away at the end of the day in my back garden.

How can I word this to her in a rational, calm way?

One day when I was home and she was brazenly walking up my driveway to put my bin where she wants it, I breezily called out of the window, ‘please leave it where it is, it’s in the way of my car there and I don’t need you to put it away thanks’, She stopped doing it for a while, but that was a year or two ago and she’s back to her bossy ways.

Cant be bothered with nuclear responses - my inner child is doing enough of that in my head! Looking for calm and measured ideas please! Thanks

Are you around when the gardener is there? I'd speak to them or try and find their contact details. Post an offical looking letter through her door too.

I think you are projecting something out of proportion here. Is the woman friendly? To me she is just taking your bin off the footpath and doing you a favour, same with the garden. I personally would be delighted, and a few stray grass clippings would be worth it for a neat garden that I didn't have to do myself!

Has she asked you for a contribution to the gardening costs?

Just chat to the woman and say thanks for taking the bin in, but would you mind leaving it at X spot as otherwise it gets in the way of the car. I don't think I'd mention the grass clippings, that is very petty, but again thank her for doing that for you.

You don't know how lucky you are, and unless this woman has a knife in her hand behind her back, you are doing fine neighbour wise if you care to read some of the awful stories here.

something inside me is irrationally angry about this

You are being irrational.

Can I have your neighbour please? A neighbour who pays to have your grass cut and moves your bin out of the street for you? Sounds awesome.

You should being buying her chocolates and wine to say thank you.

Yes I think I am projecting! That’s why I just want to think about how I handle it if I say anything at all.

I’m working from home sometimes when the gardener is there - normally I have to run round shutting the windows as the noise of the mower disturbs my calls.

She isn’t saving me any gardening - it’s only a tiny patch of grass and I still have the rest of my front garden on the other side of my path to look after anyway.

She hasn’t asked for any contribution towards gardening, and I wouldn’t pay it anyway as it’s not a service I want or need.

Just tell her ' you don't have to do all this for me am ok!! I will do my garden in the summer'. That will annoy me too bringing a stranger to my yard and the fact that I can't park my car after a long day at work!!

I will do my garden in the summer'

I know right! Who pays for their lawn to be mowed in December?! 😂

I haven’t even had time to sweep the steps since the gardener came on Monday this week because I’ve been working or all the daylight hours, and the steps are sopping wet anyway!

Put a sprinkler on your patch!
Or tell her gardener to leave your garden alone! **

The bin - leave it, that is small fry, and could be deemed 'helpful'. Pick your battles.

The gardener - tell her straight that her gardener is not to enter your property and tell the gardener the same. Explain it is your gardener and you will garden as you like.

Maybe the bin men are putting the bin back on her side or its on the pavement where she needs to walk
Thays what happens here bin men chuck them on path etc so people shove them on the drives of who they want to
The grass would prob blow across even from yours and on the grand scheme she is doing no harm.
Its probably just easier for him to mow the whole patch than try and navigate half as he isn't doing your whole garden

I’m working from home sometimes when the gardener is there - normally I have to run round shutting the windows as the noise of the mower disturbs my calls.

I do not understand why you haven't told him to get off your property. I just don;t get why you would allow this.

I seriously think you need to experience a proper awful neighbour to appreciate yours. Is it really such a big deal? If it bother you that much put a small fence around your garden area so that your mess stays on your side. She is from a generation when people took pride in their homes and gardens looking tidy from the outside. I live next door to people who let their garden turn into a swamp all year. Not my business but it is annoying that my side has to be tended to far more often because their weeds spread over into my garden.

If it's over 5 degrees grass grows.

I haven't touched mine since mid-November as it's been raining too much.

My “mess” does stay on my side! There’s nothing encroaching on her side at all, it’s just not her level of perfection. Her garden is clipped to within an inch of its life.

I haven’t had a word with the gardener as work has been so busy - I’m often on back to back calls. Maybe a chat with the gardener would be easiest - just need to catch him when he’s there and I’m not in a meeting.

Yes it is a big deal to me. It’s really important to me to not have strangers wandering over my property. It is a childhood abuse hangover, but I don’t think that’s unreasonable?? 🤔

Surely you will hear the mower whether gardener is doing neighbour's side or both anyway?

Please take a deep breath. Hold off until Winter is over and if it still rankles with you, have a quick word with neighbour BEFORE speaking with gardener. There are ways these things can be done without causing any neighbour issues. That is in both your interests.

I can understand that you feel your privacy is being invaded. However it is not the hill to die on believe me where neighbours are concerned.

Definitely pick your battles. She thinks she is helping you out as you are out at work and busy. The bin thing is her being helpful. My parent's elderly neighbour always brought everyone's bins in and everyone was very thankful to him. I get it is annoying you but I'd bite my tongue.

This would annoy me too. Not sure how to approach the bin but I would def be having a word with the gardener.

Does she have a husband or a son you can speak to?

Write her a letter and put through the door. Then you can take your time and word it well. Tell her you have been nice as you are aware she wants to help but frankly it’s annoying you and she is being invasive. If she does it again, tell her to F off from the window. She will have been warned.

Look you say yourself it’s a tiny patch of grass…what difference does it make? If she was in about your borders and weeding I’d understand it…but it makes sense for the mower man to go over your bit alongside the rest.

The bin? Meh. Just say what you said to her last time, again. “Please don’t put the bin there, I can’t get my car in. Thank you.”

If those are her only notable misdemeanours I think it’s ok.

This would annoy me too. Can you put a tiny fence up on your tiny patch of grass? Even if it looks ridiculous, it's the principle!

@starlight1011 - you might have more success if you start your own thread so you get answers about your predicament

Oops mistake sorry first time trying lol

Please take a deep breath.

Thank you, I will! I don’t want to be disproportionate and project my shit onto others. And I do get that she probably thinks she’s being nice.

At the same time, this has been going on for years and it irritates me regularly! I just can’t figure out a proportionate way to get what I want in my own space. Maybe I just need to get a rant out and then let it lie again.

Does she have a husband or a son you can speak to?

No, she divorced a long time ago (her husband had an affair) and she doesn’t have children or family. She’s maybe late 70s so not very very old, but she’s a backward-looking kind of soul, a pretty bitter, complaining kind of woman (hence why I know about her husband - she had a moan to me about how her situation was similar to mine just after my husband died by suicide years ago). She seems to have slight OCD or perfectionist issues - I’ve seen her kicking other people’s stones back into their driveways when she’s walking along the road to the village shop and obviously she’s very perfectionist about her garden.

God maybe I need to be more compassionate towards her and just let her do what she wants. It’s just every now and again my inner child has a total strop about needing my space. I did drop off a plant and a Christmas card and had her round for a cuppa last year when I found out she felt isolated over Covid - I’m not totally horrid, promise!