Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I can’t handle my 13 year old daughter

56 replies

Mummytotwo33 · 05/12/2022 01:51

hi everyone

I have a 13 year old daughter and 6 year old boy.

the last 3 years have been an absolute nightmare in regards to my daughter. It was all fine until she started secondary school then it all started…. Her behaviour went down hill massively, I went in for endless meetings about her but in the end they permanently excluded her and she now attends a school for naughty children (even they are struggling with her and she’s rarely there)

she thinks she can do what she likes! It’s currently 2am in the morning and she’s sat shouting down the phone to her mates on a group call. If I turn off the internet or take her phone off her she kicks up, swears at me, spits at me, scares my little boy, trashes her room. (Currently has 2 broken tvs in her room)

she thinks she can lay in bed all day when she a supposed to be at school she doesn’t care, she’s selfish. Kicks off when she don’t get her own way. I’m called every name under the sun. I really can’t cope with her.

she was out through for a adhd assessment a year ago but it’s a waiting game.
myself and my family have tried and at our wits end.

every day and every night is the same old. Me and my son have to be up in 4 hours for work and school but she don’t care. She will just expect to stay in bed all day and if I attempt to wake her up I’ll get called fat and told to fuck off.

she moans there’s no food in the house but that’s because she eats everything as soon as I buy it. She tries to bribe me. If you buy me this I’ll go to school! No how about you go to school anyway.

it’s so bad. My little boy is scared of her he doesn’t want her here no more. I don’t know what to do 😞

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 05/12/2022 04:41

I would speak to social services. Seriously. While you should by no means threaten her I think she does need to know you are doing this because you don't want her to be removed into foster care. They will of course be concerned about the environment for your 6 year old. Are they not involved already?!

MolliciousIntent · 05/12/2022 04:43

Where's their other parent? This is a very damaging environment for you son and he needs to be protected. If that means you have to split the household, you may need to consider it.

Risslan · 05/12/2022 04:51

I am so sorry, this is a desperately sad situation.

There is no way she's going to change unless she wants to. Are there any adults from your friend and family group that she does relate to? Someone to act as a mentor outside your household situation could be a good idea if she's willing.

There's really very little you can actually do. You could be much firmer, take the phone, drag her to school each day, etc but in reality it's unlikely to help and would be detrimental to you and DS.

You do need to speak to SS, be serious with them and tell them you can not cope any longer. A residential school could be the best you can do for her at the moment.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds 6 year olds Families
Dontsparethehorses · 05/12/2022 04:51

I think you desperately need support - she’s clearly pushing back against boundaries but unless these start appearing she will only get worse. You say she has broken 2 tvs- I hope she doesn’t have a 3rd. If she spits and shouts does that mean the WiFi goes back on? I’m not saying you can do this by yourself but you do need to have boundaries to protect your son if nothing else

Elderflower14 · 05/12/2022 04:56

DEF speak to Social Services... Show them this thread if needs be... Huge hugs to you and your son....

Hoplesscynic · 05/12/2022 05:08

Sounds horrible but tbh I'd have taken the phone off her permanently a long time ago.

When she starts screaming and trashing the place you call the police. And do this everytime if you have to.

SS are useless, they do nothing to help in these situations, unless it was the other way around and you were doing this to your child. The police will have to come out though and she is over the age of criminal responsibility, so remind her that. It may be a tough lesson but you can't just let things go on as they are - she must learn that she can't abuse people as she pleases and your little boy also needs to see that you're standing up for him and yourself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2022 06:10

I don’t necessarily agree with removing the phone as I think ever increasing punishments will not work as your dd is quite happy to ruin her stuff and self sabotage. Her phone is her lifeline if she is the sort of person, who has no self control she may soon be walking out of the house at all hours, day and night.

I think you need a radical reset on how you are parenting and communicating to find a way back from this. What you’re doing isn’t working as by the sound of it you’ve got an unmedicated ND child in full puberty. This isn’t your fault or your dd’s and your little DS also needs protecting.

The first thing I would be doing is to look up ways to treat adhd in children without drugs and to get help from experienced mumsnetters with ND children. Just one example of tips to handle this. www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/can-you-treat-adhd-without-drugs One thing mentioned in the article is very small, bite sized challenges and lots of praise. To me, in some ways, that’s almost like you would parent a 6 yo.

Idk about affordability for you, but a child psychologist might be helpful. They aren’t cheap. Or perhaps a private diagnosis to speed up time between now and when you can access specialist help.

Have you been to the GP to discuss any hormone imbalances and the possibility of medicating with melatonin?

I agree with calling the police if necessary to as much to protect your dd from herself as much as anything else.

Perfect28 · 05/12/2022 06:23

I'm sorry to be 'that guy' but you need to parent your daughter. She is pushing boundaries and it sounds like you've allowed that because it's easier than upholding them. The first thing that needs to change is you (otherwise you'll have the same situation with your son soon).

FearMe · 05/12/2022 06:29

You've said nothing about what your daughter thinks about anything. What does she want, why does she think she's behaving like this? Can you pursue adhd or asd assessment urgently or privately as she sounds exactly like what my 11 year old at the time went through when hormones kicked in.
Medication has helped enormously. She's since been diagnosed autistic and ADD.
Behaviour is communication. What is your daughter telling you?
The messages on here suggesting punishment and withdrawing phones, wifi etc are unhelpful. If your child is neurodiverse then that's the equivalent of removing her lifelines. Getting to the cause of the behaviour is the key.
I speak from experience.

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 06:33

I can relate to this , I know how upsetting it is . I see you have had some good replies and I definitely agree don't take phone at the moment . She may be kicking off but she is home and not running out so that's good .
I would definitely call social services , tell them you are concerned for the mental health of your other child . They may put your children as child in need , that was good for us as other services got involved and supported both children . The older child had discussion backing up that I was in charge and not unreasonable, they also told that would not be taken into care so that was not an option ( my Dd thought being taken into care would be fun ) . I also called the police out twice , best thing I could have done under circumstances they were fantastic,
I'm here with my husband and two children and I know the heartbreak of this situation . My Dd is now 15 and we are now in a much better place . Other parents I know have sent their children to live with other parent to protect younger ones .
Don't give up on her , get help for your younger one too . Go to your go , tell them what's happening and always make it clear you want help to keep both of them safe .
It's true SS will act if they feel a child is struggling and it sounds like both of yours are x

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 06:35

That should say go to Gp .

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 06:36

Perhaps move this onto "teenagers " section of board l

Phineyj · 05/12/2022 06:43

'School for naughty children'?! A PRU?

If she has undiagnosed and untreated SEN I'm not surprised things are bad and I'm sorry.

Melatonin has been very helpful for us but the child does need to want to take it (it's a sleep hormone).

The best help would be parents in a similar position. If you go on the website of the PDA Society you should be able to find a Facebook group for your area. While you're on their site, look up PANDA strategies and start using them.

Work with school.

Entertain the possibility that your DD's in distress.

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 06:45

I was going to ask if your child has experienced a traumatic event . Mine had when younger so also had counselling .

madmumofteens · 05/12/2022 06:45

I recommend parenting mental health on FB lots of parents struggling out there who will relate and give you helpful non judgmental advice good luck OP 💐

ThatshallotBaby · 05/12/2022 06:48

I feel for you. Definitely involve social services, they will help. Especially if she’s not going to school, that seems to set off some kind of siren, school refusal.
It may not seem like it, but you will get through this, however difficult it is keep talking to her, it’s so important, just keep talking about how you both feel.

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 05/12/2022 06:50

Strip everything and I mean everything away from her. Put your foot down massively. She shouldn't have a phone if she isn't going to school she needs to win her things back

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/12/2022 06:52

Hoplesscynic · 05/12/2022 05:08

Sounds horrible but tbh I'd have taken the phone off her permanently a long time ago.

When she starts screaming and trashing the place you call the police. And do this everytime if you have to.

SS are useless, they do nothing to help in these situations, unless it was the other way around and you were doing this to your child. The police will have to come out though and she is over the age of criminal responsibility, so remind her that. It may be a tough lesson but you can't just let things go on as they are - she must learn that she can't abuse people as she pleases and your little boy also needs to see that you're standing up for him and yourself.

This is the most sensible advice.

It's tragic but you have to think about your younger child.

Muniononion · 05/12/2022 06:53

Not sure what social services can do really - have been a cp sw myself, and families like these were rarely something we could throw resource at - especially not residential school, which was offered to very few children (I saw two go to residential in these circumstances in my whole career - and the behaviour was far more extreme).

Does your local authority offer a non-violent resistance course? Do they offer any support with parenting teens? As others have said, it’s you who needs to get a grip on this, no one else can resolve this.

Can you communicate at all? Can you sit with her and talk? Can you find out what she likes to do and do it with her? Watch something with her and try to connect, make something together?

ThatshallotBaby · 05/12/2022 06:56

I think the op would get Early Help. That’s what we had. They saved us. Amazing woman, I owe her so much.

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 06:58

@Hoplesscynic
Sounds horrible but tbh I'd have taken the phone off her permanently a long time ago.

When she starts screaming and trashing the place you call the police. And do this everytime if you have to.

I did the phone removal and had a child running away . Don't do this . We now have phone restricted but it's taken time

Yes call police

ThatshallotBaby · 05/12/2022 06:59

@Mummytotwo33
Have you spoken to her school? If not I would. That’s how I got a referral to Early Help. I just broke down about DD’s behaviour. I also have 2 younger children.

ThatshallotBaby · 05/12/2022 07:00

Alai did phone removal and her friends just gave her their old ones.

mumofblu · 05/12/2022 07:03

@Muniononion

Social services open the door to other services . They put a plan together to support children in need .

I worked in social services for many years . It's my experience that they are the extra voice that s child sometimes needs to hear . And we are a two parent family with no issues apart from two distressed children .

ThatshallotBaby · 05/12/2022 07:06

I agree @mumofblu
Social services couldn’t stop her behaviour, but they did give me the tools and support to deal with it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread