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Original poster

I can’t handle my 13 year old daughter

56 replies

Mummytotwo33 · 05/12/2022 01:51

hi everyone

I have a 13 year old daughter and 6 year old boy.

the last 3 years have been an absolute nightmare in regards to my daughter. It was all fine until she started secondary school then it all started…. Her behaviour went down hill massively, I went in for endless meetings about her but in the end they permanently excluded her and she now attends a school for naughty children (even they are struggling with her and she’s rarely there)

she thinks she can do what she likes! It’s currently 2am in the morning and she’s sat shouting down the phone to her mates on a group call. If I turn off the internet or take her phone off her she kicks up, swears at me, spits at me, scares my little boy, trashes her room. (Currently has 2 broken tvs in her room)

she thinks she can lay in bed all day when she a supposed to be at school she doesn’t care, she’s selfish. Kicks off when she don’t get her own way. I’m called every name under the sun. I really can’t cope with her.

she was out through for a adhd assessment a year ago but it’s a waiting game.
myself and my family have tried and at our wits end.

every day and every night is the same old. Me and my son have to be up in 4 hours for work and school but she don’t care. She will just expect to stay in bed all day and if I attempt to wake her up I’ll get called fat and told to fuck off.

she moans there’s no food in the house but that’s because she eats everything as soon as I buy it. She tries to bribe me. If you buy me this I’ll go to school! No how about you go to school anyway.

it’s so bad. My little boy is scared of her he doesn’t want her here no more. I don’t know what to do 😞

OP posts:

anotheranotheranotheranother · 16/08/2023 12:12

ChaliceinWonderland · 16/08/2023 12:09

Watching

Why? OP hadn't posted since they made the thread in December, what are you watching for?

PecanButter50 · 16/08/2023 12:24

Ruth765 · 05/12/2022 08:03

But you need to be aware of that if your daughter does have some narcissistic traits, talking therapy can actually make things worse because she can learn how to emulate empathy and manipulate people better. Her behaviours are not just acting out, there is a huge huge element of control to it. Her calling you names is also control, she is the one in charge. I have seen this happen. I really don’t think it’s the parents fault that they have difficult kids, and I do think resolving it is way above your pay grade. However I still really believe that you can educate yourself on little things that you can do in terms of handling your lot. I am sure you would be a very lovely mum in real life, but you’ve just been dealt with a difficult child. That is not your fault. Now, even though I may not be unique nature you might have to really learn how to set boundaries. It’s unfair and it’s horrible, but even with the situation as it is boundaries are essential .

I'm pretty sure BPD/EUPD is linked to complex trauma such as bullying or abandonment or sexual abuse. I have been diagnosed with it and found DBT very helpful but my skills started to work better when I started addressing the fear and need to control issues which stem back from trauma for me. Dr Jessica Taylor is very good on this topic.

Yes the symptoms can come out of the blue but parents may not be aware that something traumatic had happened to their child, so this needs to be ruled out.

GreyCarpet · 16/08/2023 12:38

You've had some great advice but this jumped out at me from your op

Currently has 2 broken tvs in her room

Natural consequences mean that, if she breaks something, she doesn't have it any more.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds 6 year olds Families

Annaissleeping · 16/08/2023 16:11

Dr Jessica Taylor is very good on this topic.

She is a dangerous charlatan.

But I would agree with everything else you wrote.

RantyMcGee · 16/08/2023 17:05

There are a few options:

Social Services will know the services available in your area and can help put things in place.
There is a directory of services which run the Respect programme here: https://www.respectyps.org.uk/directory
This is a programme for young people and parents in this situation and focuses on anger management, conflict resolution, de-escalation and the like.
There are also services which provide non violent resistance training which can be helpful: https://www.partnershipprojectsuk.com/non-violent-resistance-nvr/parents/

Other than that, PEGS are a useful service and run online parent support groups: https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

In the meantime, don’t replace stuff she breaks, if she breaks someone else’s stuff take it out of her pocket money (if she gets it), give as much freedom as you can within very wide but firm boundaries. And put safety first. If you don’t feel safe or feel she isn’t safe, call the police. If she doesn’t come home on time, report her missing. Have somewhere your little boy can have as a safe space (your bedroom, his room, a hiding place under the bed with some blankets, stories, toys). Restrict access to things like knives, scissors - hide or lock them away. Keep loose objects (shoes, tv remotes - things she can easily pick up and throw) to a minimum, restrict screen time and be consistent: e.g. her access to Wi-Fi goes off at 10pm every night. And stick to it.

Sorry - long post, but hope that’s helpful.

Directory | Respect Young People's Service

National Child/Adolescent to Parent Violence and Abuse (CAPVA) Service Directory from Respect Young People's Service

https://www.respectyps.org.uk/directory

PecanButter50 · 16/08/2023 18:30