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Original poster

To find it frustrating that plp don’t seem to understand we don’t have family support

64 replies

Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 19:18

Another invite to a birthday and another time when only one of us can go…and yet another “oh but why can’t you both come “etc
I have been a parent 11 years and I have an extremely hands off family , always been the same even when the dcs were tiny and I was struggling or sleep deprived, I’ve brought 3 small dcs into dental appointments , been ill but on my own with all three, no one goes to parks with me , no one spends any time with us, they’ve never been in a car with family , no overnights, absolutely nothing etc . I did ask a couple things of times for help when I was v stuck but it was made v v clear they don’t want to and a lot of complicated planning back and forth on the two times they were looked after in 11 years, they simply don’t want to and that’s it . On my dh’s it’s also impossible due to mental health problems and other issues which make it not possible unfortunately.
We do have babysitter and can get out for a drinks or cinema but we can’t leave them with a 16 year old overnight or for a weekend. It’s also a tenner an hour so expensive even for the odd night . I just find it frustrating and kind of embarrassing, for years we have had the same conversations with plp re weddings, birthdays , events etc etc. We make an effort one of us going and we swap over but we can’t go together and tbh it’s a bit crap but that’s the way it is. Just feel a bit upset as another invite , one of us will go and we are all uni friends from years ago and I’ve gotten the same questions; but why? Etc etc

OP posts:
Frazzled1502 · 04/12/2022 19:26

I really Truly feel for you. I’m in exactly the same position. We have no family around to help. My youngest dc has severe health needs and can’t be left with anyone that’s not trained. So we can’t even ask friends to help us out. We haven’t got a babysitter we can call on either. She’s 14 and people expect us to be able to leave her alone while we go out. And then I have to explain why we can’t.
I always feel like Cinderella !! We have friends to us instead tho, so we still get to see friends but we have to entertain. I’d love so much to go to someone’s house for dinner!

my only advice is, if people don’t understand, then they’re not your people! I only surround myself with people who don’t make me feel bad. It’s crappy enough to find yourself in this situation, without ‘friends’ making you feel worse!

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 19:39

Thanks so much for your reply and I’m
sorry to hear of the difficulties you have , that’s tough. I’m glad you have friends to come to yours. I have friends where I live know who are wonderful but I still find it hard when I hear of their weekends away etc and I can’t relate at all, we’d love a weekend away!
I actually have loads of family too which makes it extra weird but that’s the reality and nothing is going to change now. Our uni friends are all late 30’s and just starting to have kids whereas we’ve been parents to our three for 11 years plus but they’d have more help in a day or two than we have had all our parenting lives. I’ve explained a million times , our family doesn’t help , we don’t have support and they still act all surprised when we can’t go together to some weekend.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 04/12/2022 19:43

Same - it’s hard work and few people realise how much you do because you have no back up

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berksandbeyond · 04/12/2022 19:44

Yep same. I don't have anyone to help and 99% of people around me have so much help - they have no idea what it's like.

Cynderella · 04/12/2022 19:49

When my kids were little, I had no family support, and dbf, I didn't expect it. My daughter has had a lot of help from us, and it was gladly given, but I wouldn't criticise anyone who didn't want to babysit or help out with other people's children.

I think it's something you just have to suck up - in the grand scheme of things, it's only a few years before you won't need babysitters. If people don't understand, well, that's their problem, not yours.

I did find that once my kids were school age, there were offers from other parents - basically reciprocal sleepovers. But with four children, it still meant a night away was rare.

Then we moved house, and we found a neighbour who had a daughter the same age as mine. She was happy to have my whole gang for a weekend every now and again in return for a weekly sleepover so she could go to a class and drinks after.

MarmadukeSpillageEsquire · 04/12/2022 19:49

Same. Flowers for us all x

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 19:51

It’s another world tbh… I actually think some plp almost don’t believe me “like come on , im sure there’s someone who’d help “ , really? Would love to meet them… And yes , we have a babysitter but I can’t leave them for the night or weekend with her, she’s 16!! I feel almost embarrassed about it tbh but I don’t know why. It must be amazing to be able to book a weekend away .

OP posts:
Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 19:53

@Cynderella , I have lovely friends here but no babysitting swaps as they all have family help. It’s unheard of among our friends to ask for help or swap over sleepovers with dcs. It’s a pity as I think it’s such a great idea but v v much not the done thing as they all have help.

OP posts:
Cynderella · 04/12/2022 19:56

Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 19:53

@Cynderella , I have lovely friends here but no babysitting swaps as they all have family help. It’s unheard of among our friends to ask for help or swap over sleepovers with dcs. It’s a pity as I think it’s such a great idea but v v much not the done thing as they all have help.

That was my experience too when my kids were little BUT it might happen once kids are a bit older and sleepovers start.

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 19:59

@Cynderella also I do “suck it up” , I’m
well aware there’s nothing I can do about it , and v used to it at this stage! I actually helped out family pre kids with their kids as I thought it was normal and am
also helping with older family members as I think it’s good to do that as family rather than thinking no one has any obligation to help. If we all took that stance a lot of older plp would be left without help or support, I don’t want to be that person and hope I can help my kids one day if health permits etc .
I fully except after 11 years that no one will help in anyway but it’s more plps expectations that everyone must have someone who can take the kids for a while.

OP posts:
Toomuchtoolong · 04/12/2022 19:59

You need to find friends in a similar position and trade babysitting, myself and two friends were all in similar boats had family but no babysitting available to us so we decided to take it in turns and became our own babysitters- so one week I would babysit for friend 1 when she went out who would babysit for friend 2 who would babysit for me - meant we all got out every 3 weeks with our partners and our kids were happy to be left with friends who they knew well. Also felt like a night off going and sitting on my friends couch babysitting too. Is there anyone you could do this with? Even one person in a similar situation? I know it sucks. We don’t have a nighttime paid babysitter option but have a daycare option that is very expensive but sometimes needed for dentist appointments etc.

StarCourt · 04/12/2022 19:59

it's difficult isn't it, i'm a single parent and never had family support. my parents live abroad and siblings live hours away. DC used to spend an overnight at dads but went NC 2yrs ago. still only aged 13 too

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:00

My kids are 6,9, 11. It won’t happen and that’s ok , we just will swap over.

OP posts:
atsusnaiboyz · 04/12/2022 20:04

What does plp mean please?

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:05

Sorry * people

OP posts:
Izadrennan · 04/12/2022 20:07

Also the same, wasn't always like this, lost my mum 9 years ago & she was the only one that payed any attention to her grandchildren, mil liked them when they were babies (obviously they don't stay babies for long!) it's extra difficult for my children as mil has dil kids all the time, sleepovers every single week, outings all the time, but only bother to visit our children past their bedtimes the nights before birthdays, so they literally never see her as i can't keep them up late on school nights, fil has zero interest, other family used to help out when there was literally no other options but my youngest is asd so now nobody helps with anything at all, we also have to do everything solo, we just don't socialise anymore at all

Coconutcream123 · 04/12/2022 20:07

I am not in your situation really, but we only have reliable childcare from 1 family member. This means that 2 abroad weddings next year I cannot attend but DH will be going alone, because they're child free. We got the whole "oh can't you bring someone else with you" or "why can't you leave them all with x family member".... for 4 days? 3 under 4 for 4 days?
You just need to reiterate why. Also finding friends in similar position will help, I know that's not easy though.

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:09

My friends all have family , they don’t need anyone to swap with them . I love the idea but I wouldn’t dream of asking them to take my kids for a night or a weekend. They would find that extremely odd and probably an imposition. We do have a babysitter we can pay for a few hours but our friends who organise stuff live an hour or so away. And we can’t do away for any of those events together. We do accept this , it’s more their reaction and disbelief and repeated joint invitations for things we can’t go to .

OP posts:
Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:12

Sorry to heat that @Izadrennan , we go out but separately and can never go away on a weekend etc . We are used to it and no one has to help but with so much family it does look odd tbh .

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 04/12/2022 20:12

We are in the same position though slightly better of that we managed to get one night away on 5 years. Eldest has complex additional needs which makes it harder. DH family only help there favourite family members who are all females. My mum is good to the kids but not hands on. We really want to go to a close friends wedding but can't get an overnight babysitter and it's to far to not stay overnight. We pay a babysitter and paid childminders for years or go out separately. It's exhausting and people really don't get it unless they are in the same position. The plus side is our kids are very close up us and actually quite shocked when they hear of there cousins going away overnight again. DC2 age 6 actually asked me a few months as well to why his cousin is always staying at his grannies and does his mum not want to spend time with her? I was quite shocked at what he said but as a child that is how he views it. He then said "mummy I am glad you and daddy want us at home". DC1 has also told us he loves that he knows one of us is always there when he needs us and that he likes that he never had to go away overnight as he feels more comfortable and safe in his own home with us. It didn't make up for the lack of support but made me realise my children don't feel hard done by and definitely don't miss what they have never had.

Outfor150 · 04/12/2022 20:16

Having family support isn’t at all common where I am. Most people I know have parents many (hundreds) miles away, or in a different country, or their parents aren’t capable, or have died. We were all in a babysitting group -admittedly it works better in two-parent families. It worked really well. Or paid for childcare. Having family support is really rare.

BogRollBOGOF · 04/12/2022 20:25

It's over 3 years since I had a night out with DH as a couple. We only get out one at a time. DS1 has ASD so inviting a stranger into the home to supervise him is unfair on him. I'm now just counting down until the DCs don't require a babysitter, probably a couple more years.
The young people I used to have to babysit sporadically when the DCs were young now have their own families and their own support networks.

When you're isolated, it's bloody difficult to find someone to have a reciprocal friendship with when you can't get out and see them to develop the friendship to the point to ask favours!

We knew family babysitting was never on the agenda, but we didn't realise how difficult it gets to find, develop and maintain friendships with people in a similar position, and we didn't anticipate the additional logistical challenges of a child with additional needs.

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:28

@Outfor150 where I live it’s really common tbh. I will also help if my dcs have kids in the future (health permitting) and if they are exhausted or sick at times with small kids or need a weekend away the odd time as I think that’s normal and what family is about and we never had that so would love to help . We are also a really close unit @Fundays12 which is lovely and really proud of what we have achieved over the years.
Honestly we have accepted the situation completely, it’s 11 years and we’ve never had any practical etc support. It’s more the response and having to explain ourselves ro to others when we can’t both go to something.

OP posts:
JubileeTrifle · 04/12/2022 20:31

Same. I’ve never been away from teenager, she has ASD and is super attached to me.
What’s been disappointing over the years is how unhelpful so called friends have been. I had a few emergencies in the past and literally no one would help. I am someone who always had other peoples kids in my house for whatever reason. Hardly ever reciprocated (DD is actually very easy going and well behaved, she has issues about evenings/overnights).
The worst friend whose child was always in my house, has non stop complained to me about her lack of support (they do have people who takes their kids overnight) and then started hinting I could take her kids for the weekend (both difficult/hard work). Has since dropped me since I basically said no.

Frazzled1502 · 04/12/2022 20:35

Yes it’s the relentless ‘shall we book a weekend away?’ And my reply of ‘yes, if the dc come too?’ And their reply of ‘oh let’s leave it then!’

it upsets me as I can’t see an end to it. Dd isn’t getting better and her health means I can’t leave her. It’s almost a kick in the teeth