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Original poster

To find it frustrating that plp don’t seem to understand we don’t have family support

64 replies

Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 19:18

Another invite to a birthday and another time when only one of us can go…and yet another “oh but why can’t you both come “etc
I have been a parent 11 years and I have an extremely hands off family , always been the same even when the dcs were tiny and I was struggling or sleep deprived, I’ve brought 3 small dcs into dental appointments , been ill but on my own with all three, no one goes to parks with me , no one spends any time with us, they’ve never been in a car with family , no overnights, absolutely nothing etc . I did ask a couple things of times for help when I was v stuck but it was made v v clear they don’t want to and a lot of complicated planning back and forth on the two times they were looked after in 11 years, they simply don’t want to and that’s it . On my dh’s it’s also impossible due to mental health problems and other issues which make it not possible unfortunately.
We do have babysitter and can get out for a drinks or cinema but we can’t leave them with a 16 year old overnight or for a weekend. It’s also a tenner an hour so expensive even for the odd night . I just find it frustrating and kind of embarrassing, for years we have had the same conversations with plp re weddings, birthdays , events etc etc. We make an effort one of us going and we swap over but we can’t go together and tbh it’s a bit crap but that’s the way it is. Just feel a bit upset as another invite , one of us will go and we are all uni friends from years ago and I’ve gotten the same questions; but why? Etc etc

OP posts:
Frazzled1502 · 04/12/2022 20:36

Saying that..I don’t mind. I’m. Happy being with my dc. But it’s the kick from others who make me have to say it out loud ‘I can’t’.

Montague22 · 04/12/2022 20:37

Same here. I’ve built a network with friends for day things. Everyone seems to have family to babysit though.

whatatanker · 04/12/2022 20:38

Wow I could have written this exact post myself. We have no family support either.

I totally agree that one of the hardest things is trying to explain to people that we can’t come to things together. I’ve had 3DC and I’ve been BF for nearly 5 years now.

Some of my friends whose weddings I struggled to attend a few years ago now have children of their own and have had more nights out than I’ve had in 8 years of marriage. They’ve got family support, and they just don’t get it. I’ve lost two close friends over it to be honest. (Not because I’ve been rude or anything, but because I’ve not been able to make their hen do or 30th birthday)

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Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:40

@Frazzled1502 thats really tough. Yes , I’m also surprised that as they get older there’s still no offers at all. Our friend had a big 40th recently and I mentioned it to a sibling who is v close in age (they don’t have dcs but we have helped them in many ways over the years), I thought they might offer but they were all “oh it sounds like great fun , will you go “ and I said we couldn’t together and they just left it and basically “oh well, that’s life “,
Fair enough they don’t have to offer and didn’t but doesn’t feel great tbh. My dcs are actually pretty easy going and older so happy to watch movies and chill in the house. It is what it is , I just hate the constant “thanks but like we said , we don’t have anyone do mind kids so we can’t go etc etc.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 04/12/2022 20:41

That's frustrating but I imagine that most people can solve the babysitting issue either with or without family help, which is why they are asking why you can't. At least you still get invited to things.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/12/2022 20:45

I had mine during a period where a common view was that a woman working instead of spending every second with their kids for 18+ years was the absolute bare minimum and allowing a 15 year old to do it for a couple of hours whilst you went shopping, to the gym or, worst of all, to the pub, was neglectful and undoubtedly illegal. Even walking around Sainsbury's for 20 mins before pickup from the childminder was seen by some as truanting from your responsibilities. Unless you were comfortably off, where it would be 'just get the Au Pair/Nanny to do a couple of extra hours'.

My mother wasn't interested, the ex said he wasn't babysitting for my benefit, his mother said I was already harming the DC by going out to work, so she wasn't going to do it and I might as well hand the DC over if I didn't want to be a mother anymore.

I didn't go out at all.

That was shit. Fucking attachment parenting.

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:46

@MajesticWhine , we have a Bbsitter for a few hours here and there , all of them are solving their overnights and weekends with family help . I don’t know a single person on 11 years of being a parent who pays someone to mind their dcs for weekends away or nights away et.

OP posts:
Outfor150 · 04/12/2022 20:46

Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:40

@Frazzled1502 thats really tough. Yes , I’m also surprised that as they get older there’s still no offers at all. Our friend had a big 40th recently and I mentioned it to a sibling who is v close in age (they don’t have dcs but we have helped them in many ways over the years), I thought they might offer but they were all “oh it sounds like great fun , will you go “ and I said we couldn’t together and they just left it and basically “oh well, that’s life “,
Fair enough they don’t have to offer and didn’t but doesn’t feel great tbh. My dcs are actually pretty easy going and older so happy to watch movies and chill in the house. It is what it is , I just hate the constant “thanks but like we said , we don’t have anyone do mind kids so we can’t go etc etc.

But why don’t you get a sitter? That’s what everyone I know would do. That’s completely normal.

SpinningFloppa · 04/12/2022 20:49

Same here no family support what so ever and people just don’t get it, I’m also a lone parent so do it all alone never get any time away. People say swap with friends etc but I have 4 kids so that’s not happening! Alright if you have 1 or 2 Though

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:50

@Outfor150 we do get a babysitter to go out for a few hours. The events we are invited to are distances away so overnights and weekends. We are lucky we can get to go out here but we can’t leave all three kids with a 16 year old for a weekend or nights away. Again we totally accept this , we don’t expect help , we absolutely don’t and have never had it from family . It’s more the repeated surprise from others.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 04/12/2022 20:50

OP have you actually ASKED them outright to look after your children ?
Sorry if I've missed that you have.

Outfor150 · 04/12/2022 20:50

Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:46

@MajesticWhine , we have a Bbsitter for a few hours here and there , all of them are solving their overnights and weekends with family help . I don’t know a single person on 11 years of being a parent who pays someone to mind their dcs for weekends away or nights away et.

Absolutely everyone I know would pay for a sitter, or use a babysitting circle (where you pay using “tokens” of time). I really don’t know anyone who would have family to mind their children for an evening. But no one really does overnight visits or weekends away. I don’t think that’s a common thing to do.

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:56

@Outfor150 we do pay a babysitter but they are 16 so wouldn’t leave them to go on an overnight or weekend away. It’s v normal where we live for couples to go away tbh a few times a year. We are totally used and it’s been like this since we had children 11 years ago but again we just got an invite today for both of us to go to a big birthday two hours away at night , we said thanks so much ,dh would Kobe to , I can’t . Then “awww pity , why can’t you make it “? Emmmm the same reason as always there..

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 04/12/2022 20:56

It is hard OP and we were in a similar situation due to family being either 100s of miles away. It helped that most of our friends who were local to us were in a similar situation, none of us had family help. We had a baby sitting circle which helped a lot, but not for overnights (as we had 4 DC it always seemed too much for someone else to have them all overnight)
However your friends sound clueless and tactless too. I'd be tempted now to reply to invites with
'thats very kind of you, but like I have explained before, it's just not possible or us to do this'
and when they say 'but surely someone would help'
emphasise AGAIN that you have been all over this before and nothing has changed!

Happyher · 04/12/2022 20:57

Do you ever invite them round to yours? That way you both get to see them and you don’t need a babysitter. When I split from husband my 2 friends offered to come round to mine once a month instead of us going to a pub. It was cheaper, more private and we all enjoyed it.

I know this wouldn’t solve all your issues but it would give you the chance to see your friends as a couple

Pinkbananas01 · 04/12/2022 20:58

Lots of people don't understand that we all haven't got childcare on tap. My DP have looked after my DC around 10 nights almost all these were in emergencies I.e. if 1 child was in hospital! Oldest is now 18 so we are now able to leave younger with DS and enjoy a meal together. It will get easier as they get older but it's frustrating.
I did pull my DM up on couple of occasions when she offered to babysit for my cousins kids!
I changed career due to childcare issues, colleagues never understood the financial impact but out of around 80 families only 2 of us had to pay for childcare. Lots of parents don't appreciate how lucky they are to have support from wider family.

Whiskeypowers · 04/12/2022 20:58

It is hard going
just me entirely on my own with my three and nobody to take them for the night or odd weekend
it’s absolutely relentless

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:59

@catandcoffee yup, years ago when I was desperate for a minor surgery, v v difficult to organise and huge organisation and upheaval. Asked last time years ago for a big anniversary, back and forth, agreed and then pulled out last min. They 100 percent don’t want to do it , have never offered since or ever .

OP posts:
Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 21:01

We have plp around loads and it’s always lovely , we love entertaining . All the invites back are childfree occasions.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 04/12/2022 21:02

@Nuevabegin that's really sad to hear.

Outfor150 · 04/12/2022 21:03

Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 20:56

@Outfor150 we do pay a babysitter but they are 16 so wouldn’t leave them to go on an overnight or weekend away. It’s v normal where we live for couples to go away tbh a few times a year. We are totally used and it’s been like this since we had children 11 years ago but again we just got an invite today for both of us to go to a big birthday two hours away at night , we said thanks so much ,dh would Kobe to , I can’t . Then “awww pity , why can’t you make it “? Emmmm the same reason as always there..

But why can’t you go? If a babysitter is available? Even if it’s two hours away? Leave home at 6, get there at 8. Leave at 10, get home for midnight, or later if babysitter is ok with it. That’s the sort of thing we would do. My DD used to do babysitting as a teen, and that sort of scenario was quite common.

Original poster
Nuevabegin · 04/12/2022 21:04

@StillWeRise you’re totally right , I actually said it recently to a visiting couple and it was really nice to just be open and v clear as I think we felt we needed to keep up a facade of still being able to do stuff . They started with the “ but why don’t we see you “ and I basically said “we don’t have help , my family have never babysat and never will so this is just the reality” and they totally got it and stopped going on about only seeing one of us etc

OP posts:
Outfor150 · 04/12/2022 21:05

I don’t think it is particularly normal for couples to go away by themselves without their children a few times a year, though. Unless you have a paid nanny perhaps to whom you offer extra hours. I don’t know anyone who had a nanny, though.

bravefox · 04/12/2022 21:07

We are in this situation too. Friends are having child-free a wedding 300 miles away next year but were completely shocked/borderline offended when we said only one of us would be able to come

GCautist · 04/12/2022 21:09

I have no local family or friends support. Mil stays local, moved here to be nearer us but the reality seems to be she expects my OH to look after her in old age and she has no time for us, even in emergencies - last time I needed help getting medicine for my child from a hospital 40mins from me 20mins from her and she was too busy going to the cinema to help so I needed to take my just out of hospital child back to the hospital to pick up her meds. Poor kid was very unwell too and didn’t need that upheaval or car journey.

my mum lives abroad now so need to book her 6months in advance and hope she doesnt change her mind last minute.

People really don’t understand the concept of there really is no one to help. If I can’t take my kids with me then I don’t go now.