Only children/small families and the impact on future generations extended family...

[Comedycook]

Right before I begin, please understand I'm not judging anyone's life choices...I'm just musing on life. I totally understand why, especially nowadays, lots of people have an only child or maybe just two kids max... expense, health reasons, secondary infertility etc...I get it.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently as it's coming up to Christmas. Some people have very small or no extended family and spend Christmas alone and others have absolutely hoards of people to spend time with...and throughout the year, big family parties.

No one in my family is an only child but we have had lots of bad luck, people seem to die quite young and others have moved abroad. I couldn't host an actual proper party with just family as I don't have enough people. Dh could as he has loads of brothers and sisters and more nieces and nephews than you can count.

Anyway...I do know lots of friends and acquaintances who only have one child...like I say I'm not judging. But I am wondering (as it's more common nowadays than in previous decades) if lots of people in the future will just not have a big or any extended family because of this and whether this will impact loneliness within society? Will most people just not have large family gatherings and big Christmas celebrations?

Any thoughts welcome..

So I'm an only child but have an enormous extended family of cousins and aunts and uncles, plus my DH side which is massive. Christmas is EXHAUSTING! 🤣

One of my friends, both his parents were only children and he's just got a brother, but their Christmas is filled with friends! Same with my best friend - she's an only child, her mum was a single mum and her family have all passed away now. Their Christmas is hectic as they get together with friends who are also on their own etc.

I’ve never gotten the “concern” from people who aren’t only children and don’t have only children about only children. It comes across as condescending to people who don’t want or need pity.

I’m one of six, myself. And my only child kid has seven cousins. I’m looking forward to our small Christmas. If he wants a big Christmas when he’s older he can invite friends or have an army of kids himself.

will just not have a big or any extended family because of this and whether this will impact loneliness within society

Being surrounded by 'extended family' is no guarantee to ward off loneliness. It's possible to feel lonely in a crowd. I've known loads of people who feel 'lonely' and as if they don't fit in amongst their (large or small) extended family. It's especially acute when you think that they should be warm, welcoming and accepting and ... they are not.

Just because you are related doesn't mean that you will feel understood

Lots of people don't find their 'tribe' of shared interests and values until later in life. Others are never so lucky.

Friends are the family that you get to choose.

My solution is to seek out like minded people and not to turn down friendship wherever it might present itself. Remembering to focus on being a friend rather than looking for friends and it will all come right.

@barskits why do you think I'm rubbing people's noses in it? Did you not read my post where I said how all my gps are dead and my parents? In fact my parents were both dead by the time I was 25. Did you also miss the part where I said I don't have enough relatives around to have a family party? Did you miss the part where I said we had a lot of death in our family?

DH has a large extended family but hasn't spent Christmas with them for over 40 years. Just because they exist doesn't mean to say you want to spend 25 December with them. There are plenty of other days to see the relatives you get on with.

DS's partner has a large family. She says it is a nightmare sorting out who can be in a room with whom without a row breaking out.

I have a big family and frankly it's a pain in the arse. I've 5 siblings and we never have a big Xmas together. It's a logistical nightmare. Dry difficult to co-ordinate with in-laws so we've never been together. Nobody has a mansion anyway to house us all. People are closer with others so that effects what we do together. I'm particularly close to 1 dsis but it causes so many issues if I invite them and their family and don't extend it to others.

Personally I think 2 children is enough. My dc is an only (couldn't have anymore) but my sibs have no more than 2dc each and there's big age gaps and different sex sibling groups. My dc is very close to her 2 cousins the same age. I'm hoping that they'll be a good support network to each other as they grow up.

I think about this often and I do think it will have an impact.

When we were kids we used to get dropped off at various cousins houses and all play all day, getting up to all sorts of shananigans. We used to have many parties and see each other, I knew my older cousins and aunts would be there for us. Haven't kept in touch with them for various reasons but I do think its a shame my kids don't have their aunts and uncles and cousins. I have 2 kids, my sister has none and loves far away, my brother has 1 but split from his gf so they don't see that cousin. Husbands brother has none and not social. Grandparents not very involved and personally I think this doesn't make them as street wise and outgoing in many situations. My kids cling to me and like most, are way overprotected. I also think society has changed and alot of families aren't very close now. We go to occasional gatherings where people all just sit on their phones, our older parents included! Me and husband sit there wondering what on earth happened!

@Comedycook Why do you see as me being defensive because I'm not in the slightest bit interested in Christmas? Lots of people aren't. So for me there is no concern about big family 'do's' on one day of the year.

My post wasn't specifically about Christmas....just that Christmas had made me think a lot about family size.

Threads like this do upset people, especially those who are reading it and may have been recently bereaved, or are suffering the distress of secondary infertility.

I guess I'm just tired of threads on MN about 'only' children, and how lonely they are going to be.

My parents had large families but they all had fewer dc & we have had even fewer. I think it is a shame but what can you do.

I grew up a long way from extended family so don't have particularly close ties to cousins or aunt's and uncles.

I have two children. They have no cousins and will not have any. My brother and mother live abroad on different continents, so there are never any family get togethers.

I do envy people with bigger families, or even just small families who want to keep in touch and see each other. But that is not what we have. Me and my husband are everything to my children as we are the only family they see.

Our Christmas and birthdays are just us and we have a lovely time. The big family gatherings are just not a feature of our lives and won't be going forward unless my children end up with partners from closer families, or have lots of children themselves.

My friends are my family.

I won't see either of my siblings over Christmas (unless the can be bothered to actually visit our dad if grandparents but based on previous years that seems unlikely)

We host Christmas Day for my in laws and visit my dad on boxing day but all the other Christmassy stuff with be with friends including Christmas Eve, Christmas Day night, New Year's Eve.

@barskits I don't think only children are necessarily lonely or it's a terrible thing. My thread was more about the impact on future generations. People on this thread saying there parents were one of nine and therefore they have loads of aunts and uncles and cousins are probably the last generation of people who will be in that position. If most people now have one or two then going forward their DC will have a maximum of two aunts or uncles or maybe none. Like I said, I don't have enough family to have huge get together but I know lots of people who do. I just don't think this will be the norm in the future. I didn't set out to make anyone feel shit. I think it's going to be an interesting societal change

I guess while some people's lives revolve around Sunday lunches, regular family gatherings etc with parents/siblings/cousins - other people's don't.

Neither dp nor I are only children but our social lives involve friends rather than relations, by choice.

Am sure it's lovely if you want to see your extended family all the time but would bore us to tears.

@barskits totally agree. I come from
a small dysfunctional family. My mum’s brother died when he was 30, my dad’s brother has cut all contact due to money (doesn’t even see his own children). My brother moved away and cannot understand why I don’t visit on a regular basis despite gruelling rounds of ivf to try to give our daughter a sibling which is costing us a small fortune. So the relationship has soured. I may as well be an only. My other half’s mother spent Christmas day with his father in a care home due to dementia. Our Christmas Day consisted of 5 people. That’s our lot so we just have to make the best of it.

Both my parents are onlies but we always had lots of relatives on both sides that we visited as they were both very close to their respective cousins and so my cousins are the offspring of their cousins. And I know there’s all that removed nonsense but it doesn’t work like that in our family!