Only children/small families and the impact on future generations extended family...

[Comedycook]

Right before I begin, please understand I'm not judging anyone's life choices...I'm just musing on life. I totally understand why, especially nowadays, lots of people have an only child or maybe just two kids max... expense, health reasons, secondary infertility etc...I get it.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently as it's coming up to Christmas. Some people have very small or no extended family and spend Christmas alone and others have absolutely hoards of people to spend time with...and throughout the year, big family parties.

No one in my family is an only child but we have had lots of bad luck, people seem to die quite young and others have moved abroad. I couldn't host an actual proper party with just family as I don't have enough people. Dh could as he has loads of brothers and sisters and more nieces and nephews than you can count.

Anyway...I do know lots of friends and acquaintances who only have one child...like I say I'm not judging. But I am wondering (as it's more common nowadays than in previous decades) if lots of people in the future will just not have a big or any extended family because of this and whether this will impact loneliness within society? Will most people just not have large family gatherings and big Christmas celebrations?

Any thoughts welcome..

I think you are assuming the perfect family Christmas is what is seen on tv adverts or films.

People are different and so their idea of Christmas will be different too.

As families get smaller, I think expectations will change. Maybe in 20 years time the Asda Xmas advert will just show everyone hologramming themselves to have a virtual family gathering.

oh and think of the rows and heartbreak and tribulations that will avoided. No worries how to cook a giant turkey, enough chairs, beds for everyone. No obnoxious nieces and nephews and drunk, rude BIL’s. Less people, so roads less congested, less presents to buy , so cheaper. I can’t wait.

Our generations of descendants may thank us for having smaller families when climate change is affecting us more than it is now.

But the point is the change has already, happened, people are finding ways to enjoy Christmas with the gatherings they have, it's fine.

When it comes to extended family it's quality over quantity.

The last few years have been brilliant. We've spent Christmas day with friends and had a blast. Morning was us time, then either we did food alone or with friends, then afternoon was with people we actually wanted to spend time with.

This year feels miserable cos we've all got through the ritual of difficult family which is hard work...

So in terms of loneliness, I think it's rather more complex than thinking family = better.

I hate Christmas for this reason- it’s not even like I want 17 cousins, just an extended family to visit and catch up with to the make the time different to every other meal with my immediate loved ones . I’ve learnt over the years that actually family is more important than any friendship.

I have a large family (dad is one of 8). We have never been close and I rarely see many of them.

I love 300 miles away with my husband. I am childfree by choice and have the most wonderful friends who I consider my chosen family. I don't feel I'm missing out on anything.

It's already been happening for decades too. My family would have last had a 'big family Christmas' with loads of relatives in 1930 or 1940 something (only I bet they didn't as had no money and WWII). So at least eighty years ago. That's two generations ago at least.

Christmases and parties will change but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing! Big family gatherings are often stressful and overwhelming for many people within a family. Smaller, more intimate gatherings will become more normal (although very normal already in a lot of families) and friend groups may become more important. Different but not necessarily worse :)

I'm surprised so many people see their friends so much and say they fill that gap. I find most people to be utterly consumed with their families and put them before friends.

I really don't understand why this matters. Generally, fewer people = less stress. Families can just be so difficult and we are naive if we truly believe that all large family gatherings are joyful and fun. Presumably, those who are massively sociable will have larger numbers of friends to spend time with.

We have an only child and a big extended family. Lots of aunts/uncles/cousins/nieces/nephews/great aunts and uncles/a few grandparents and great grandparents. Our only won’t want for company!

Depending on how the cousins maintain those relationships is whether that network will continue further down the line or not.

There does seem to be a narrative on here that families only bring problems. I don't think it's necessarily true. Having a family can bring you support and a feeling of roots.

But you future grandchildren will not have cousins on your side and may or may not have cousins depending on their other parents side.

Thing is, you tend to consider the family you have pretty standard. So people who’ve got very little in the way of extended families grow up with the norms for family events being different to families with generations of large families.

And there’s variation in how much social interaction is standard within families. You could come from a very small family that live in each others pockets, or a huge family where people basically only ever meet at weddings and funerals (or the other way around).

I had a boyfriend through university who was an only child, of only children, of only children. His family gatherings were extremely small scale and sedate (more because of his parents’ personalities than anything else). But that’s what he associated with family.

Just me and DD. I hate Christmas so I'm not in the slightest bit bothered about having a 'big do'. Hope that helps.

In my case, a much smaller, mentally healthy family is better than a huge, toxic, addiction addled family.

You couldn’t pay me enough to take my daughters to spend Christmas with them.

As for future generations - it would be bold of me to assume any of my daughters will have children.

True, but like many family setups, there isn’t a set pattern.

Due to age differences between me and my cousins, my DD although technically their second cousin, is very close to them. If they go onto have children, it’s likely they’ll all be close in age. So my grandchildren may not have direct cousins, no, but there will be family links there that due to our relationships now could endure.

When I think about it though, that should come to a natural end. As they go on to marry and more families are involved, the network we have now becomes more vast and dissolves in a way. I don’t consider that a sad thing, just grateful for the dynamic we have now.

A couple of generations back, families tended to live closer together so big family Christmases were more of a thing . There would be 15 of us for Xmas Dinner, aunts uncles cousins etc.
Now most of those cousins have moved away, have their own children, do their own thing.
Since my kids grew up it's only me and dp and one son and partner for Xmas lunch. Grandchildren visit I the morning for gift exchange etc.
Nice quiet lunch with four of us

My experience of only children (of various generations) in my family/close friends is:

• They may have closer relationships with family members of different generations, e.g. cousins, 2nd cousins
• They may have particularly close relationships with their parents/spouse as a small family unit
• They may have closer relationships with their "chosen" or "found" family - i.e. close friends who take the role of blood relationships

If there was a big expansion in the number of only children I would expect that the concept of the found family would become much more mainstream and big genetic family celebrations (particularly ones where the only bond was blood obligation rather than love or friendship) would start to feel a bit old fashioned and anachronistic.

I grew up with a large family Christmas. GP, aunts, uncles, cousins, extended family. Loved it. My parents died young and GP are deceased now too. I don't see my DB as he was a bully, or my many aunts, uncles and cousins as they're over the country. In fact I never see any of my family anymore actually. At any time of year.
Christmas now is DH, two teen DC, SIL and the in laws. They're very kind but not a barrel of laughs. And tight. All very stilted.
It's hard not to feel sad and a bit bitter.

Well I'm not having more children to satisfy your concern for society

But the converse is also true. The assumption that family is better just doesn't work for many. The idea that smaller extended family means more more loneliness does work either. Nor is the assumption you will spend time with the extended family you've got (my family growing up a generation ago rarely got together and when they did it was NEVER for Christmas).

Its not an either or.

Friends can work a lot better for many either out of an absence of family or an active choice.

Or not.

Depends on your family and friends. And your own personality.

Meh, I have a huge extended family (nine aunts and uncles and cousins + cousins' children into the triple digits). I don't like big gatherings and spend Christmas with just my mum and brother. The idea of a Home Alone style Christmas with 50 relatives running around the house is hell to me.

I think there are factors other than family size at play.
I remember 22 squeezing round the Xmas dinner tables when I was younger.

Death, divorce, estrangement - all of these have taken their toll but also distance - we used to have 2 branches of family on the same street, 3 in the next couple of streets and another 2 within 15 minutes walk. Now we have 1 within 3 miles, then no more for 60 miles.
The nature of the gifts - where it's easy to take a scooter or a doll to grandma's for dinner, a games console doesn't commute so well when grandma's internet is prehistoric.
And slso, in the same way as pubs, more and more people want to be in their own environment where they can do as they please - whether that's smoke cigars, drink themselves senseless or not feel pressured to drink at all, eat what they want, do what they want be it telly or board games or Call of Duty.

Well this is hard work isn't it.
I don't actually care how many children you have. How societies evolve is quite interesting don't you think?

It when the answer is for people who don't want to to have more babies. Nope not interested