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Original poster

How to tell family we don’t want to do (adult) gifts?

68 replies

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 00:19

Hello

Every year, we give adult extended family members presents they probably don’t need or particularly want, and they give us the same. We don’t need extra stuff and it feels like a bit of a rigmarole for everyone.

I would like to take Martin Lewis’ advice and instigate no presents for adults in the extended family. Instead I would like to tell them - probably via the WhatsApp group I have with my cousins and grandparents - that I’d like to make a donation to charity in lieu of gifts and would be happy for them to do the same instead of getting us gifts.

How do I word this?

OP posts:
plinkypots · 01/12/2022 08:19

I have no problem only buying for children. Unless the adults involved are particularly skilled at choosing gifts it's just one giant tat exchange. Perhaps ease them into it and tell them you really would like a donation made in your name this year and send a few links. Then next year announce the no gifts for grown-ups thing or give secret Santa a go. Buying for adults besides your partner seems ridiculous to me. We can buy whatever we want whenever we want it! It's just a silly ruse.

dancingqueen123 · 01/12/2022 08:19

One of DHs family tried this on our family whatsapp. It was a bit of a dustball response.
If you don't want anything from anyone just say op. You don't need to ruin the fun for everybody!

gogohmm · 01/12/2022 08:41

To be honest you are too late, many people will have at least started their shopping. The time for the conversation is after Christmas for next year!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General shopping
IntentionalError · 01/12/2022 08:49

Well, you have left it a bit late for this year. It would have been better to speak to people in September. Our family did something similar a few years ago, and we found the best way to persuade people was to emphasise the amount of hassle it saved everyone. Concentrate on the women, as they are generally the ones responsible for gift buying & organising Christmas. There was one ‘Queen bee’ figure in our family who was obsessed with bloody Christmas. She was the main sticking point.

LlynTegid · 01/12/2022 08:57

I'd be delighted to have a goat or goats myself.

OrigamiOwls · 01/12/2022 09:01

As others have said probably a bit late for this year (I've finished my Christmas shopping and done the wrapping so wouldn't be too impressed if this was sprung on me on the 1st of December).

Going forward If you want people to donate to charity instead of a gift for you that's fine, but it is a bit presumptuous to select a charity to donate to in their name.

Also if you are still expecting gifts for your children, do all the adults in your family have kids? As someone who is childfree I find that sometimes "we're just buying for kids this year" is code for "we're not buying you a gift but still expect one for our kids".

TheLeadbetterLife · 01/12/2022 09:32

Diverseopinions · 01/12/2022 02:06

I think it's good to put a bit of time and thought into an imaginative compromise: e.g., and as others have said, the Secret Santa idea.

It may be that you still come down on the side of Martin Lewis's sensible idea, but, I think the timing and how you say it needs some consideration. I only say this, from experience, as, we had a few years of this in our family - between siblings and their partners, and I kind of thought it was a bit unsentimental, and, perhaps we all did, as we went back to giving gifts, in the end. The idea had been kind of foisted on everybody. That was years before these recent economic-gloom years, so now is largely different.

I suppose the best idea would be something inexpensive and unusual - even home made, but this would be not easy to find to suit every recipient. Young adults could be given a really cool boho purse or wallet, such as you wouldn't find everywhere, and from a market stall, but which is really desirable. An ideal would be those models, like of cars, made ingeniously out of ripped up coca cola cans - a real talking point.

Food or drink can always go down well. Something which covers all bases, can be homemade ( by someone) biscuits. Also alcohol or cordials which can be used for entertaining.

Smaller and generic presents on a budget are pretty well covered and sorted by M and S and TKMaxx, I always think. M and S have those musical box biscuit tins, some which light up, and TK Maxx had those soap in beautifully decorative boxes where the boxes is a musical one which plays carols.

Lord no, this is the worst kind of present. A nice bar of soap or tin of biscuits is fine, but not presented in some musical tat that you feel even more guilty for chucking out, because it probably can’t even be recycled. Or you hold on to it for a couple of years because it’s so “lovely”, and it gathers dust in a cupboard before eventually making it to landfill.

just buy a fancy soap in a paper wrapper. They’re cheap for the giver but still a treat for the receiver, because no-one spends five quid on soap normally.

Floralnomad · 01/12/2022 09:40

just buy a fancy soap in a paper wrapper. They’re cheap for the giver but still a treat for the receiver, because no-one spends five quid on soap normally
Of course they do .

TheLeadbetterLife · 01/12/2022 09:43

Floralnomad · 01/12/2022 09:40

just buy a fancy soap in a paper wrapper. They’re cheap for the giver but still a treat for the receiver, because no-one spends five quid on soap normally
Of course they do .

Okay, fancy pants!

KnottyKnitting · 01/12/2022 10:07

We stopped all the big presents for anyone on the family over 18 (except DF and MiL) and give a "tree " present of around £5-7. This year I have bought stuff that's either sustainable ( reusable makeup wipes) or consumable- pack of beer, tea bag selection, nice jar of jam/ relish, handcream etc. something that I know people will like but not tut.

I agree with other posters that you might have left it a bit late as it is now December. Depends on how organised your family members usually are!

Original poster
RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 10:26

Lots of messages - thank you very much. I’ve read them all.

I sent a message to my family as follows - again, this is cousins and grandma and aunts and uncles, not immediate family:

Just wanted to let you know, this year we plan to make a donation to a selection of charities instead of doing tangible gifts. Hoping to spread the love around a bit this difficult winter.
^^
[DH] and I don’t need anything so likewise if you want to donate on our behalf instead of sending a tangible gift, that would be super - we are planning to focus on refugee and poverty charities.
^^
I hope that’s ok

It went down very well. One of my uncles and my grandma replied immediately saying how much they welcomed it and would like to do the same across the board. Although my grandma has insisted she’ll be getting gifts for her (three) great grandchildren.

I should have mentioned: they’re all quite well off and several are involved with local church activities and are quite socially minded.

Those worried about some people getting nothing - it’s different in immediate family. DH and I don’t get each other anything for Christmas usually; DS is so small he won’t know the difference. I am buying gifts for my childfree siblings and am buying gifts for the kids of my childencumbered sibling. I think that makes it fair - I definitely don’t want to be in the position of saying “child free people, pay for my sprogs, but nothing back for you”.

Unfortunately my parents won’t get this - they want Stuff and want to give Stuff. So work in progress to extend this to them for future years.

still not sure what to do about confused granddad (not married to grandma).

OP posts:
Original poster
RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 10:27

And on the lateness - as above, not an issue, my aunts and uncles are notoriously disorganised! And my grandparents tend to send money.

OP posts:
AnneButNotHathaway · 01/12/2022 10:29

The pandemic basically did it for us when we went for just smartshow 3d video cards for everyone except close family and friends, now we do Secret Santa for the adults and everyone gets and buys 1 gift. How about you suggest that, or just say it outright that because of financial reasons you've decided to do gifts for the children only? I don't think anyone would actually blame you or be offended. But as PPs had stated, it's already December, so you better communicate that asap.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 01/12/2022 10:38

I think it's bonkers that adults buy presents for other adults yet, just buy for the kids until they reach a certain age, in our family (apart from immediate) we stopped buying when the kids turned 18, everyone was happy with this.

Also if you are still expecting gifts for your children, do all the adults in your family have kids? As someone who is childfree I find that sometimes "we're just buying for kids this year" is code for "we're not buying you a gift but still expect one for our kids"

So what if a particular family member doesn't have kids, if you've agreed to buy for kids only then you buy for kids only. I think it's a bit sad that you wouldn't buy for a family member's child because you might not get anything back yourself...as a grown adult

OrigamiOwls · 01/12/2022 10:39

still not sure what to do about confused granddad

In all honesty if your granddad is elderly & confused I'd just continue with the gift giving tradition there rather than stopping and possibly causing more confusion.

ChilomenaPunk · 01/12/2022 10:39

Just send them a Whatsapp message, I wouldn't bother mentioning any charity donations.

OrigamiOwls · 01/12/2022 10:44

So what if a particular family member doesn't have kids, if you've agreed to buy for kids only then you buy for kids only. I think it's a bit sad that you wouldn't buy for a family member's child because you might not get anything back yourself...as a grown adult

And I think it's a bit rude to be presented with a list of expensive gifts I'm expected to choose from for their child when they also make it clear they won't giving even a token gift back in exchange. People have different views and clearly won't always agree on something emotive like this.

Morvena · 01/12/2022 10:50

We did this in August/Sept time for both sides of our family as there are so many kids now on both sides. We all agreed to only buy for each others kids, and everyone is happy with that. I put it in my family whatsapp group which was fine, DH family don’t have one but he just discussed it in person with them. Think everyone was relieved to be honest, kids are so much easier to buy for!

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