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How to tell family we don’t want to do (adult) gifts?

68 replies

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 00:19

Hello

Every year, we give adult extended family members presents they probably don’t need or particularly want, and they give us the same. We don’t need extra stuff and it feels like a bit of a rigmarole for everyone.

I would like to take Martin Lewis’ advice and instigate no presents for adults in the extended family. Instead I would like to tell them - probably via the WhatsApp group I have with my cousins and grandparents - that I’d like to make a donation to charity in lieu of gifts and would be happy for them to do the same instead of getting us gifts.

How do I word this?

OP posts:
RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 00:22

I don’t want to seem mean. I’ll give a fair amount to charity - probably more than I would spend on the sum of presents.

I don’t know how to explain to my maybe not totally with it granddad either. He’s on his own and doesn’t communicate well.

But this way just feels like a better use of time and money all around.

OP posts:
RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 00:26

….should I just make an exception for elderly and bad at communicating grandpa? But is that fair on grandma?!

OP posts:
Chubbymcfatfuck · 01/12/2022 00:27

Would you do a secret santa or Something? So everyone gets 1 present. We did this last few years. Not everyone was keen, but it was a good compromise.

I think you should have said sooner though, a lot of people have made a good start on present shopping already, if not finished.

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WallaceinAnderland · 01/12/2022 00:27

We've stopped buying stuff for the sake of it just because it's a certain day of a certain month. We have all the other stuff, decorations, food, games, family, etc. just not the unwanted tat.

It might be a bit late you this year though, as organised people will be bought and wrapped by now.

LookingForInfo12 · 01/12/2022 00:30

You might have left it too late for this year - some people might have already bought presents for people.

So continue this year but be clear that this is the last year that you're giving or receiving Christmas presents, and be firm but polite.

We did this years ago and it takes so much stress out of Christmas (I'm from a big family) and means people aren't buying gifts just because they feel they should.

We do a Secret Santa with whoever is going to be there on Christmas Day - that way there's only 1 present to buy with a clearly defined price limit and it's (usually) pretty funny !!

jtaeapa · 01/12/2022 00:34

It's December tomorrow. You probably have left it too late for this year as many of them will have already bought you stuff. I would text next August and put an end to it.

Waitingfordecember · 01/12/2022 00:34

Unless you’re struggling financially, you’ve left it far too late this year. Most people are well on with their Christmas shopping by now.

For next year, why not suggest a secret Santa or a get together in lieu of gifts?

HamBone · 01/12/2022 00:35

My DH's family does a Secret Santa and even that's a pain, tbh, as we're geographically scattered. I'd far rather do away with gifts for adults altogether... I've tried hinting for several years now though and it hasn't worked. DH wants to stop as well, but he's too much of a coward to back me up.😂

If I have someone who's literally on another continent (and I have no hope of seeing in the coming months), I make a charitable donation related to their interests, e.g., one relative loves dogs so I'll give to a shelter.

Onceinnever · 01/12/2022 00:36

I think it's too late, so obviously say it if you can't afford it, but it sounds like you can, so I would probably wait until next year now.

Waitingfordecember · 01/12/2022 00:37

Sorry I somehow missed that you said you wanted to do charity donations instead. That’s a really nice idea to suggest for next year.

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 00:37

I’m not that worried about timings. My uncles and aunts are notoriously disorganised about gifts so probably won’t have bought yet. From grandad it’ll probably be cash. From grandma - I think she’ll probably just get something for DS and not for me and DH anyway.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 01/12/2022 00:49

I agree, it’s too late for this year.

Create10 · 01/12/2022 00:53

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 00:37

I’m not that worried about timings. My uncles and aunts are notoriously disorganised about gifts so probably won’t have bought yet. From grandad it’ll probably be cash. From grandma - I think she’ll probably just get something for DS and not for me and DH anyway.

Is grandma getting something back from DS, or are you saying that adults without kids should continue to but for your child but you can't be arsed to buy for them?

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 01:08

Yeah so this is where I’m worried too. I have a 18 month old DS. Next Christmas all being well I’ll have a 4 month old as well.

so not sure if that just makes me a CF as they’ll probably send stuff for the kids.

I don’t want any things. We have so many things. And no space.

OP posts:
RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 01:08

I’m not saying I’m not going to spend any money. But would you be pissed off if you got two goats sent on your behalf fo a Kenyan village, instead of a tangible gift?

OP posts:
Liorae · 01/12/2022 01:15

Create10 · 01/12/2022 00:53

Is grandma getting something back from DS, or are you saying that adults without kids should continue to but for your child but you can't be arsed to buy for them?

As a child free person, I've found that's the usual expectation. It gets old fast, but if you try to change it you are a child hating meanie.

HamBone · 01/12/2022 01:17

I've already exchanged gifts with this year's Secret Santa as I saw her recently and won't again before Christmas (she lives a plane ride away). She wanted us to open the presents immediately...some nice bits and pieces, but nothing I'd personally choose. I'm sure she felt the same about my offerings, even though we both tried!

I'd definitely prefer the goat donation.😁

HamBone · 01/12/2022 01:21

@Liorae Do you actually want presents though? I don't think many adults do, unless it's a fun experience like tickets to something or paying to do an activity together, i.e., spending time with someone really. I'll happily accept a bottle of wine or some bath bombs, but that's about it.

Floralnomad · 01/12/2022 01:26

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 01:08

I’m not saying I’m not going to spend any money. But would you be pissed off if you got two goats sent on your behalf fo a Kenyan village, instead of a tangible gift?

I would rather have no gift and no goats , if you want to give to charity that’s fine but don’t do it in someone else’s name and call it a gift . I’m very particular about what charities I support.

Create10 · 01/12/2022 01:42

RandomCatGenerator · 01/12/2022 01:08

I’m not saying I’m not going to spend any money. But would you be pissed off if you got two goats sent on your behalf fo a Kenyan village, instead of a tangible gift?

I would, personally. A friend once adopted a tiger 'for me' for my birthday. It is not a gift. I'd much rather someone spent very little and put a bit of thought in, or just got me a bottle of wine or something, than pretend a charitable donation is in any way a gift.

Create10 · 01/12/2022 01:44

Liorae · 01/12/2022 01:15

As a child free person, I've found that's the usual expectation. It gets old fast, but if you try to change it you are a child hating meanie.

Same situation here and I feel the same way.

makingmiracles · 01/12/2022 01:52

Why not ask the person which charity they would like you to donate to in lieu of a gift, people have various reasons for wanting or not wanting to pick particular charities ime.

HamBone · 01/12/2022 02:02

makingmiracles · 01/12/2022 01:52

Why not ask the person which charity they would like you to donate to in lieu of a gift, people have various reasons for wanting or not wanting to pick particular charities ime.

Yes, you should certainly ask them which charity they’d like you to donate to or at least what type of charity.

Diverseopinions · 01/12/2022 02:06

I think it's good to put a bit of time and thought into an imaginative compromise: e.g., and as others have said, the Secret Santa idea.

It may be that you still come down on the side of Martin Lewis's sensible idea, but, I think the timing and how you say it needs some consideration. I only say this, from experience, as, we had a few years of this in our family - between siblings and their partners, and I kind of thought it was a bit unsentimental, and, perhaps we all did, as we went back to giving gifts, in the end. The idea had been kind of foisted on everybody. That was years before these recent economic-gloom years, so now is largely different.

I suppose the best idea would be something inexpensive and unusual - even home made, but this would be not easy to find to suit every recipient. Young adults could be given a really cool boho purse or wallet, such as you wouldn't find everywhere, and from a market stall, but which is really desirable. An ideal would be those models, like of cars, made ingeniously out of ripped up coca cola cans - a real talking point.

Food or drink can always go down well. Something which covers all bases, can be homemade ( by someone) biscuits. Also alcohol or cordials which can be used for entertaining.

Smaller and generic presents on a budget are pretty well covered and sorted by M and S and TKMaxx, I always think. M and S have those musical box biscuit tins, some which light up, and TK Maxx had those soap in beautifully decorative boxes where the boxes is a musical one which plays carols.

Joystir59 · 01/12/2022 02:11

Dear Family
We have decided to only buy gifts for the children in the family this year